Topic : Step-Parenting

I dont know why I am even here. I guess I am hoping that someone out there can relate and offer some hope or maybe practical advice.

Funny thing is, I was browsing the forums before registering (pondering if I really wanted to do this or not) and found that I could easily post in more than one area. How is this funny? Well, I've pretty much been asking myself, "am I that screwed up or is this normal?" I see from all the areas and posting that I'm not alone. I laughed when I had that realization. Truth of the matter, I received 2 seperate "be on the show" phone calls from the producers of Dr. Phil. Totally seperate topics. That scares me on so many levels.

I can only ask how I got to where I am in my life to know the answer is simply, I don't know.

I have had bad relationships all my life and finally found the one man I truly adore 5 years ago. After 5 failed marriages. Trust me, one was only 2 weeks long. Am I ashamed of my past? yes. I deal with it daily and try to remind myself that I overcame it. I like to think I have evolved a great deal. The reality of that? I feel like I am in a vicious circle that I have no control over.

The man in my life is my common law husband. We started that when we decided to file our taxes jointly. It was a better financial decision. I've always wanted that wedding that we, as little girls, dream of but even now, it eludes me.  Regardless, my partner has 3 children. I have 3 children. Mine are older but have become distant due to the fact that I left Texas to move to Rhode Island. They are welcomed here anytime and have lived with me up here off and on only to return to Texas. I miss them horribly. I am going to be a grandmother in August for the first time and find that is the only excitement I have in my life at the moment.

To make a long post short..the issues we face personally both individually and as a couple are simply overwhelming.

We invested and worked for a startup company that has failed to pay us or the loans they owe us. We are both unemployed at the moment.

I am physically injured and awaiting surgery. I have been waiting for nearly 6 months now thanks to the state of the Health care in this country. As a middle class single woman (he has his insurance under his ex-wife's policy), I could not afford health insurance and the company did not offer it. I was injured in an accident and had to deplete my assets in order to qualify for a state operated health plan for hospital only. I have been told I have to wait until the surgeons have time to "fit me in" after they see their regular patients. I endure pain on a 24/7 basis for nearly a year now. I am not functioning very well and to even sit here and type this will end up with me in bed for the rest of the afternoon.

He is behind on child support. We just gave her all his backpay to help catch up. We also have paid for braces (unneeded), class rings, extracurricular activities,..etc.. The one thing I fell in love with him for was his dedication to his children. Did I mention that I do not like his older 2 girls? I used to. I came up here with delusions of becoming a "friend" to his daughters. I had all boys so this was a novel idea for me! His dedication to his children is typical divorced father syndrome. They come first at all costs. Even when its wrong. I am not saying I am perfect parent. I have made my share of mistakes. His children are the reason his past relationship ended. They have a history of manipulative and arrogant behavior. Their mother has turned a blind eye in her ongoing effort to be the "good parent". It just makes me sick.

On Sunday, his middle child, a 15 year old girl treated her father with such disrespect that I am glad I was not there to witness it. She has become sullen and angry and distant to her father. She's hated me for awhile so I am used to it She's learned it from her elder sister I believe. I don't know. I do know that they hold me totally responsible for the financial situation and stress that their father is enduring. I can appreciate that and I can deal with it for only a limited time.  This young lady not only acted inappropriate with her father, she then used her youngest brother to avoid dealing with her behavior. My partner made the correct decision and tried to implement it only to be met with "we hate her, its her fault" screaming match (with me in the car) while their mother stood there grinning like a Cheshire cat. Not once was it stated that her behavior was wrong. It all was my fault. Why? Because after she had created this whole situation, her younger brother (age 12) was complaining to me about how he had to be responsible for her stuff when she didnt want to deal with it. I told him yes, I agree, let's go talk with your father. We did just that. He made his own decisions about how to deal with it and I am to blame.

He cried all the way home last night and we ended up screaming at each horrible things and I see the end of our relationship in site now.

His struggle to "fix" this is now forcing me into a family meeting on Thursday night. I've tried telling him that I am not comfortable with that. I am not their mother, step-mother or friend. I am the person that they see at their father's house maybe 10 days out of the month. He says I am too "pushy" when it comes to his kids. I think he is wrong on that. I avoid them and try to give them as much time with their father without me around, including a weekday getaway trip to Georgia this year. Nothing I do or say is ever right. I am always the scapegoat. While I sit here missing my boys and family back home, I can't help but wonder if its even really worth it anymore.

Last night, he turned on me. I became the one to blame. He justified his kids feelings and statements by accusing me of wrongdoing. I completely lost it with him. How could he negate what he had done earlier by blaming me? How could he justify his daughters bad behavior by blaming me? He says that they have seen us fight alot lately. Yes, we're fighting. He's depressed and his world is falling apart. He's lost his job, his money, his pride and most tragically, lost his brother who was his best friend. He's improving though, I see it. But we do fight. I get frustrated with him sitting around moping and of course, with my own personal issues, it just makes it worse. I have been isolating myself in the bedroom when the kids are here so we don't fight and I don't have to deal with their attitudes. I just don't have the energy anymore.

Still, he turned on me. His kids come first regardless of whether its right or wrong.

How does he expect me to have a meeting with his eldest daughter who had the audacity to refuse to acknowledge the presence of guests in our home that we introduce her to. She literally sat there reading her book and never even looked up. Why? I can only assume because they were considered "my  eq game friends". Long story..another topic I am sure.

I realize I might be bitter and angry now. I hate that about myself. I am tired of dealing with it all and have decided that it might be best to walk away. The only thing keeping me here is my  total love for this man.

So, am I insane? How do i deal with all this? His kids were the last straw for me last night and I'm supposed to sit and deal with a family meeting that will be nothing but a blame session. How do i do that? I guess more importantly, do I even want to?

I know posting this is probably wrong. I don't really have a specific question. If I did, I guess it would be...Do I leave or Do I stay? and that is something I am having a hard time answering myself.

We've overcome so many hurdles..his drinking...his ex....my family...my issues....

i just dont know what to do or say anymore...

thanks for letting me vent.

We have tried the time outs, a 5 minute time out once took 4 hours. she REFUSES to stay put, and putting her back only makes her more angry. She sometimes even refuses to stand, and will scream, and yell the whole time shes there.One day she picked the paint off the walls. and threw them around the room. She'll look at my husband and say "is my time out over" and he will say YES, letting HER chose when time outs end.and than I yell at him for letting HER decide when punishment ends, and he gets mad at me.

We had a reward system set up, and she would be good long enough to get the reward, and than she was a holy terror again. We first tried the star system, and she looked right at me and said," thats stupid I dont care about your stupid stars" (she was 4 at the time)  When i took some stars away for misbehaving, she said "I dont care, take them all." buying her things are out of the question. The few times I did she  immediatly broke what she got,  and rewards to her are excuses to misbehave. When we do take her someplace special for behaving, she is once again out of control. one day we took her to the movies, and she was loud, and wouldent sit in her seat. she was very distractindg, and it was VERY embarressing.  As far as she was concerned, we took her to the movies, now she dident have to behave anymore.  One day she looked at me and even said " i was good , wheres my suprise?"  She thinks people should just buy her things because she wants them. I know this is normal for all children, but we were at a birthday party for a family member and she wanted to know where HER gifts were. It dient help that at her cousins birthday about a year later, her grandmother DID bring her gifts too.now she expects it. At Christmas she was opening her cousins gifts, and telling grandma SHE wanted it. Than Grandma GAVE IT TO HER. At one of her birthday parties, she opened some gifts and said very loudly " I DONT WANT THIS" making the family member that gave it to her feel awfull. when I explained to her how rude that was, she got mouthy with me too.

We dont have college degrees  on child rearing here in the States, but I really think we should. She recently said to her mother that she misbehaves because "the voices tell her to"  She has said this to me too. this worrys me a LOT. She wont tell me exactly WHAt the voices are saying, but right now, i'm not her favorite person in the world, because i'm constantly trying to correct her behavior and dicipline her.  She may be afraid to tell me.  Her mother is bi polor, and her father ( my husband)  has a depression problem. I'm afraid theres more wrong than just not having and dicipline. But noone will listen to me. I'm afraid of whats going to happen to her when she gets older, if she continues on this path of distruction she has started. I am sick of being the "evil step mother" all the time. I want to be able to hug her and tell her how much of a joy she is, and how much I love her, but all I want to do is Run when she's here. I want people to enjoy having her around, and stop telling me she's not allowed places because she refuses to behave, and I dont blame them at all, i would say the same thing if i were them. I have everyone telling me its not my place to diciplin her,  Thats her fathers job, Well he doesent to it. But I'm the one who has to deal with this mouthy 6 year old, comming into my house and disrespecting me and my family. Even the School (she's in kindergarden) said if we dident get her under control, she would be expelled and made to start kindergarden next year.( this THEY did not follow through on either) 

Its like evereyone makes threats, but noone follows up on them, but when I do, I'm told I'm mean and abusive to her. That I should let her be. Am I supposed to let a 6 year old come into my home, destroy what ever she can get her hand on, tell ME what shes going to eat, and when she's going to bed? One day I asked her what she wanted for breakfast, and she said "your going to take me to burger king" When I said "no, im not" she said "Get off you ass and take me to burger king" But when I told her mother she said this I was told " no she dident , i dont beleave that," she told me I was lying, and my husband wasent even there to witness it.  

its so frustrating that she really DOSENT care about other people or other peoples things. she could care less when shes punished or put in a time out. I have friends with kids her age and they flat out refuse to let them play with her because she's mean and bossy.  Its not fair to her, and its not fair to us.

It's almost summer break and the 16 year old step daughter is coming over very soon.  Unfortenately, our relationship, if any, didn't start off on the right foot since we met.  She was very jealous and possessive of my husband, and became worst when she found out I was pregnant.  She didn't speak nor did she visit until after the baby was born.  Her lifestyle and matters are different from ours.  We live a very simple life as compare to her more above average life.  Bluntly she is stuck up, very inmature (acts like a twelve year old) and speaks like a five year old.  I worried and feel I can't trust her around the baby and especially around my daughter (her step-sister) because she will say very rude things to her.  Of course she does this while her father is not present.  The first time she came over last summer made it very difficult and created a wedge between my husband and me.  She made remarks of about how I dressed in short skirts made me look like a hotchie or that I was too old to wear certain things (I'm 29 years old and my husband is 40 years old).  I feel that I dress appropriately for my age.  She, along with my husband, make fun of how I sit up and walk straight and that I dress up to go to the mall.  He puts her in a pedalstall and everything stops.  It sometimes seems as if she becomes the head women of the household and what she wants goes.  I try to be understanding of what they both went through- a negative relationship in which she was not wanted and him being on the defensive side.  Through time this has change and he has attempted to give my place.  His daugher is somewhat attempting but I feel that she is being a two face about it.  Also, I feel that our daughters are left out, especially my daughter (not his biological child).  She has been difficult due to the drastic changes in our life-we went from being the two of us to the five!  But he seems not to understand that she has the problem of not having her father around and feels left out. 

Overall, I guess what worries me is that I will not be able to enjoy being at home during the summer (we both don't work the summer) that there will be problems between my husband, daughters, and his daughter.  His behavior changes and causes my daughers and I to feel uncomfortable and hard to even attempt to get along with his daughter with the behavior and him supporting that behavior.  He thinks of her as being a "good girl"  who never gave him problems like my daugher.  He seems to over look thinks like for instance when we have guest she doesn't have the matters to shake their hands and introduce herself unlike my daugher who's five and does but it is overlooked.  So as you can see we have much to do in order to make a true family in which we can say our daughters not his or her daughter and my is good and his is not and so on.  Please any advise is welcome!

I want everyone to know that I love my step-daughter very much, but sometimes I just don't like her.  I know how selfish and childish this sounds, but I am near the end of my rope.  I have been in this child's life since she was two.  When I began dating her father, and just fell in love with both of them.  In the beginning she lived with her mother and visited us every other weekend.  Then her father and I became aware that there were some emotional/psychological problems with her mother.  This was not a surprise as this was a major issue in the break up of my husband and his ex.  Since my husband never really knew his father, and had a pretty unadjusted childhood he swore that he would never leave his daughter.  We fought it out in court to get custody, and after 3 years of back and forth, my step daughter is now living with us.  She and I have had problems for the past two years.  The older she gets the more jealous she becomes of her father and I.  He does not difuse this situation very well.  She wants her mom and dad to get back together, and although we have told her this won't happen, she still tries to get her dad and I in arguments, and continues to push my buttons.  I have tried every approach, but now that I have two children under the age of 2, I am affraid that her outbursts, and my reaction to them are going to effect them.  Please give any advice you can.

the four hour thing is normal when you just start the time out with a kid that behaves like this. but if you husband won't help, they don't work. she's punished, but he let's her in control. if i were you i would set a boundary to your husband. either he will start helping to discipline his six year old, or she isn't allowed anymore into your houise, because this is not a good example for you kid, and she will start copying it. if both the parents have problems, maybe it would be better for her to be put in foster care, or someone else taking care of her. and i would advise you to take her to a childrens counselor for 'the voices'. if you are the only one disciplining her, it just won't work. but right now, you've reached your max. you can't do anything more, if you aren't getting help from your husband. it might be sad, that you can't do anything, but that's the reality.

this is not a bad kid, her parents just didn't raise her well. if she doesn't find boundaries, she can't stay within them.

srry i can't help you

I have very serious problems with my 6 yo step daughter. Somedays I want to pack my things take my baby and go.  I have even been told by friends and family that i should/ have to do that. I dont think its the answer. The problem is what IS the answer? Somedays I just sit and cry. Most days, I just take it out on my husband, and thats not fair to him. but I dont know what else to do.

I thought I was alone, but after reading this board its important to know YOU ARE NOT ALONE.