Topic : Step-Parenting

I am looking for some helpful advise.  I have a 10 year old stepson who is a brat!  The problem is both of his parents.  His mother is too ignorant to see/do anything and his father has custody but he has always worked too many hours to be a very active parent. (same as my ex) His father and I have been living together now for a year and many things have improved but we have so far to go I am not sure that I can handle it.  My children are grown and somewhat dependant on me and thier father for financial support but are great kids!  They have been told since they were in their early teens that they are not adults until they pay all of their own bills no matter if they can vote or not.  Both were scolar athletes in high school and have tons of friends and are just super people.  They are both in college and soon will be productuct happy healthy adults, God willing!  I worked full time with a great career showing my kids that hard work is rewarded and you always need to stand up for what you believe in and you are always truthful, we had a few sleepless nights getting through that one but we did.  Always try to spare feeling and treat all people with dignety and respect!  I think that I have learned a lot as a parent. My kids probibly taught me as much as I taught them.  I made many mistakes, and owned up to them, but I think I did a darn good job as I was the primary caregiver for 20 years as their father was at the home but worked odd shifts and was very uninvolved but basically supportive.  They love and respect both of us.  They handled the dicorice very well and it has been hard on them but they are smart and dealt with it pretty well. 

The problem is this boy has not ever had any direction,  consiquenses,  cares,  rules,  punishments, nothing, except what everhe wants!  He chooses what is for dinner, what to watch on TV, what movie, where to go,  etc.  The kid ruled the house.  He was over weight and inactive.  I have been working on that for a year and he is now wearing regular size cloths instead of husky.  He eats regualr healthy meals with us. No candy cubboard that was full of crap that he had access to 24/7. His dad said he wasn't aware of it and his mom was sending crap home with him from his visits to stock it.  He now showers daily.   No more rides to the bus, he walks a short 1/4 mile there and back down the drive way to the bus stop.  He is a complete slob though!  I gave up on his room (picking my battles) but told him he must be respectful of me and my space becasue this is my house and a reflection of me and he is not going to disrespect me.  He seems good with it but he still wipes his hands on the chair and eats like a 4 year old. He says please and thank you now, but there are still so many simple things that he has not been taught and I am so frustrated with his parents I could screem!  He was 9 years old and did not know how to properly wipe himself.  He still has some hygen issues that we address regularly, trying to be respectfully but I am beside myself. 

Last week-end he stuffed himself at dinner.  I told him that he would make himself sick eating so much and he said no I am really hungry.  He got up after everyone else was sleeping and threw up all over everything.  His room, the hall way, the bath room, and even into the kitchen.  He did not say anything or wake me or his dad, he left it and went back to bed.  I found this horrible mess 6 hours later.  This is the second time!  Last time I told him "use your garbage can by your bed.  Don't just go back to sleep, wake me up. I told him just call out to me I will wakeup."  His father was upset with me for ruining his fathers day by shampooing carpets. All he said to his son was "son you really should have used your garbage instead of making this mess." Two days later, the boy is visiting his mother and Dad admits that he is big enough that the overeating and vomiting thing should not have happened and apologized.  I appreciated the apology but I need cooperation and support!!  It is always such a struggle and it is sooo late that the oportunity to teach the boy something meaningful has passed.  

The boy still has not figured out that all the people around him were not put on this earth to serve him.  He will come into the kitchen and sit down and say I want some juice.  His dad will get it for him!  I am at the point that I am ready to get the juice myself and dump it over both of them!  I stop his dad and look at him and say "are your legs broke?  Get it yourself!" 

He has rules and responsiblities but he does not follow them or do them.  I expect him to contribute to the household according to his age. Currently he is suppose to clean up water, dirty clothes and hang up towel after his shower, clear his plates, etc after meals, put away toys, back pack, shoes, etc.  No scrubbing toilets or stripping the deck here just picking up after himself.  He and his dad think that I expect too much.  Is this true?  Should he have every toy, game, cell phone, and convenience and sit in his room all day and stuff his face with junk food expecting everyone to do everything for him? 

He tells little lies all the time and I catch him and comfront him and he just tries to laugh and joke his way out.  I have tried rewarding good behavior and taking things away for bad behavoir, but his dad wants to reward everything and punish nothing.  His dad acts like he is a preschooler when it comes to responsibilty or punishment, but a teenager when it comes to priveledges.  I think they all need to be apropriate for the age of the child one with extra priveledge come extra resposibility and discipline.

He has a cell phone and is on the plan with my older children.  I got the bill today and he has downloaded over $500 in games last month, I called the company and he has $100 so far this month.  We discussed all of this when he got the phone that he is only to call these people and numbers, txt only these and no games or downloads no matter what!  He is on a visit with his mom again and his dad of course makes an excuse and says it must be a mistake, I prove it is not, he says well he must not have kown it would be that much.  I them reminded him of the talks and the cost was huge but was not really the issue as he WAS TOLD NO!  I showed him on my phone that it shows you how much and you must push ok to accept.

How can I get them both on board and actively be a happy, productive family unit? I know that this boy has a very sweet soul.  He wants to be good and do good, I can see it.  I blame the love of my live for being such and inactive, passive parent.  He is such a smart and wonderful man I just do not see how this parenting thing escapes him. 

My older kids come home and can't believe what this boy gets away with. My husband says "yes dear, I know your kids are perfect and we don't fit into your perfect mold." I know he would never say anything like that in fron tof my kids he loves them and is very proud of them.  He brags about them to friends and family, and he offers to help them with anything but still I am ready to give up and move into my office, but I know when this kid turns 16 and tells his dad where to go and how to get there...I'll be the one picking up the pieces. 

I do advise you to talk to your husband, explain to him that you are concerned, for the boy, and if he comes with the your kids are perfect thing, explain to him, that they weren't born that way. establish some clear rules with your husband, about when and when not serving him, and what he has to do, or make them yourself if you are the one most at home. his father has to understand that he is supposed to raisehim to become a responsible adult, and not to please him, and serve him.

i'd say, take that cellphone away, or make it a prepaid. give him ten or twenty dollars a month, or whatever he needs to text and call the people he is supposed to, and if he wants more, he has to buy it himself. i do agree to the other reaction, you have to put your foot down. you have come a lon way with that boy, but if you want to make further progress, you will have to get his father on board. if he says he wants juice, just say, ok, or nice for you, so that he'll know you heard it, and gets the message that you won't fetch it for him, if he wants it he will have to get it himself.

something you might forget, is rewarding him. even though things as picking up his toys and stuff is normal to you, if he hasn't learned it, it isn't normal for him, so if he picks them up, without you having to say it, you can say, i really like it when you pick up your toys without me saying, and give him a hug or something. so that he is not only disciplined, but also rewarded. if you do this already, you can ignore the previous sentence:P

good luck, and remember, it's not his fault, but his parents, (which doesn't mean he can't change it.)

My (common-law) husband and I each have child from our previous marriage and one together.  Unfortunately, his 16 year old daughter is staying with us over the summer and it hasn't been an unpleasant experience as any visit she has come .  I have sat down with them and my daughter, age 5,  (our baby is too young) and discussed my feeling with them.  I explained or tried to explained that his daughter when he is around she is good, but when he is not she is really mean especially towards my daughter because she is very jealous of her.  She says mean things and "plays" roughly with her.  I feel that she is intentionally being forceful with my daughter when she is playing with her.  However, my daughter is a very loving child and doesn't see it has her being mean.  He thinks that it's just me trying to find something wrong with her, but I see it and feel it that she is not being nice.  My gut feeling says not to trust her with any of the girls because she has shown to be overly jealous and possessive to the point that she has even pushed me around but I don't even bother telling my husband because he thinks she is just playing around and I don't know how to have fun.  I absolutely avoid leaving my daughters by themselves with her and though it sounds very mean I don''t allow her to have much interaction with the baby for much fear that she will do something to her.  She tends to do things when her father or I aren't around but since I'm always hovering over my daughters she trys to wait until I'm not  looking or have my back to them.  For instance, she got very jealous that her dad was hugging and playing with my daughter so when he left and I turned (or so she thought) I saw her kicking my daughter with her foot underneath the table.  For father's day he asked where she wanted to go out to eat and was excited to be spending time with his "daughter".  At the restaurant he made a sarcastic or big deal as to why the waiter was asking  me first  for my order if it was father's day, then he turned around and asked his daughter to be the first one to order.  During our family discussion, he openly stated that his daughter came first just like my came first and that just because we had a child together it wasn't going to change.  As a matter of fact, he made it clear that if I didn't want them to do anything with the newborn that to let him know and they leave.  He refuses to believe that his daughter has any evil in her.  I'm very uncomfortable at home and we (my daughters and I) spend as much time away from home.  I'm very unhappy and offended.  Any advice?  Should I take his offer and end the relationship and they go their way and we go ours? 

This situation sounds dysfunctional, toxic and just plain sick!

Your husband telling you that if you don't like it to leave is like a slap in the face. It would be different if he could at least listen to your thoughts and feelings, acknowledge that they are valid, and then tell you how he feels- but that isn't what he is doing. He is being full-on disrespectful of you, and by ignoring his daughter's actions, he is teaching her that it is fine by him if she is disrespectful of you, too.

If you stay, this is what you have to live with for the rest of your life- it doesn't get better. One of your children could get seriously hurt-  "accidentally" of course. My advice to you is to begin to make a plan to leave, so that you and your precious children can live a safe, peaceful life. It is so sad that their own father isn't protective of them.

I have a 22 year old stepson who was 18 when I married his dad.  He attended college for 2 years and flunked out.  He was not required to work during that time (dad paid his expenses).  Since college he has held numerous jobs & has been "laid off" from all of them.  He works no longer than 6 months before being out of work.

He lives with his mom (who also does not work) in another state.  There is a 18 year old step-daughter who lived in the home, as well.  She was kicked out at 18 by the mom since child support ended at that time.  Her father & I begged her to move in with us, but she did not want to leave friends.  She is self supporting (we help her out financially in emergencies) & lives with friends. 

The 22 year old son called his dad this week to inform him that he is moving in with us.  He has no job.  He states he wants to move in with us to get a job in our state.  He has done this once before (found a job the first day & decided not to accept it & moved back in with mom).  His dad told him that was fine, but he had two weeks to find a job & get an apt. and move out.  Very easy to find a job in our area.  He was very upset by that.  I have a 20 year old son who lives with us.  He works two part-time jobs & goes to college.  The 22 year old step son does not understand why MY son can live here while attending college, but he has to get his own place once finding a job.

He is very upset with his dad & me over this situation & the ex-wife has even gotten on the phone to my husband & cussed him & told him what a bad dad he is for not allowing his son to live with us, while MY son is.  He tried to explain to her the difference between a 20 year old in college & an unemployed 22 year old who needs to be on his own.  All this from a mom who kicked her own daughter out at 18???  The stepson has even brought up that he feels his dad is putting ME ahead of him. 

A big issue here is that his dad did not remarry for 10 years after divorcing the mom.  The stepson had his dad all to himself & probably figured he & his dad would live together the rest of their lives.  Mom does not date & has never remarried.  The stepson has never dated & shows no interest in it.  He also has an alcohol issue that I feel has not been addressed by either parent.  Probably why he cannot hold a job.  The alcohol will not be allowed in our home since there appears to be a problem.

Bottom line:  are we being too harsh?  I don't want to be a step parent that it not sympathetic to his needs, but how long should we support an adult?

Thanks for your response....

Kids can be ver manipulative my sons at first did not like there step father because he would always sao no for any little tiny reason. We made a PLAN. We would sit down and talk about what was ok and what was not ok. When the issues would come he would have the same answer I had. They ran to there rooms cried and forget until they understood that we were both on the same page. They would have a day with him to do fun stuf I would be at work or doing grocery shopping. They would go out to the park or something. It made them understand that he was there not only to say no but that he was there because he loved them and enjoyed being with them.

It is very very hard at first, but things will get better. GOD BLESS!!!

  I know how you feel 100 % our lifes are alike in so many ways i married my husband 6 yrs ago i had 3 kids from another relationship my youngest and my stap daughter are only 2 months apart we got custody of her when she was 3yrs old at that time she was living with her grandmother her mom was in and out of her life and the same for my kid's father so my husband was the only dad my kids knew and i was really the only mom my stepdaughter had  and it wasn't but about 6 mnths after she moved in with us she was calling me mom. i potty trained her took care of her when she was sick got her threw pre-school i was the one that put the money under her pillow when she loss her first tooth i did the parent teacher meetings made sure she had food in her belly and clothes on her back my husband went into rehad for drinking a couple of months after we got her he was gone for almost a yr she still seen him weekly. she was my best kid never gave me any trouble then when her dad came home that sweet little was gone she was acting out lie saying myself and my other three kids was mean to her she would tell her teachers i would make her do her homework then i would throw it away all kinds of stuff so the fighting got so bad between me and my husband my three kids moved in with my parents in till things calmed down well it didn't it got worse she was loving the control of us fighting and she getting her daddy all to herself so she said and did anything should could i walked on eggshells around her i would never be alone with her not even in the same room i didn't talk to her and tried not to even look her way because if i would she would run to my husband and say i was saying mean things to her and hear my husband was stuck in the middle he knew i wasn't doing the things she say i did but couldn't understand why she would say the things should would about me. one day i came home from work all of there stuff was packed up my husband told me he loved me very much but couldn't take it anymore he wanted to live in seprate house but not to divorce that killed me and my step daughter loved every min of it need to say things got even worse my husband started drinking again real heavy end up having to do 2 yrs in prision for dui that is where he is now my step daughter is with my sister in law and getting worse day by day now at the age of ten if myself or my three kids  try to talk to my husband durning a visit she jumps right in and makes it all about her if i try to get close or touch my husband she will get in between us and give me the evilest looks but what has changed is my husband now can see what she was and still is trying to do brake us up and any cost and he is no longer taken it he told her no more lie this is my wife and my three other kids and nothing you can say or do that will seprate us again and she is hating that so i say just stick in there