Topic : Step-Parenting

I THINK YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, MY DAD WAS AN ALCHOHOLIC AND MY MOM WAS A DRUG ADDICT. THIS IS A VERY DANGEROUS SITUATION. THE VERY MOST IMPORTANT THING IS THE CHILDS' SAFETY. HER MOM NEEDS TO EARN THE RIGHT TO SEE HER DUAGHTER AFTER PUTTING HER THROUGH A DANGEROUS SITUATION LIKE THAT. AND YOUR HYUSBAND NEEDS TO THINK WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF SHE IS DRINKNIG AND DRIVING AND FLIPS THE CAR OF GOES OFF A BRIDGE WITH HIS DAUGHTER IN THE CAR. HE NEEDS TO THINK ABOUT THE WORST THING THAT CAN POSSIBLY HAPPEN TO HIS CHILD AND MABE THAT WILL OPEN HIS EYES TO WHY HE NEEDS TO PROTECT HER AND NOT GIVE INTO THE EX. WHAT IS MORE IMPOTANT KEEPING THE PEACE WITH THE EX OR HIS DAUGHTERS LIFE?

I totally agree with you! I have a 15 yr old step daughter who's mother is a crack addict, and an alcoholic. I was dealling with the same dilema as you about calling the authorities. About 3 days after I posted my message on here asking someones opinion, her school called the authorities!! It took the decision right out of my hands, which was the best thing, cuz I dont think that my step daughter would have forgivin me if I had called!

Any way, her mom was forced to go to rehab, which she refused to do at first, and once she finally did, she was there for a whole 3 days, and now she's suppose to be rehabilitated! Ha ha! Thats a laugh! But the good that came out of the entire situation was wonderful!

My step daughter finally realized that her mothers actions were not her fault, and there was no way to help her if she didnt want the help. Now that the school, and child services are involved though, it has been so much easier to deal with the whole situation. my step daughter has stopped cutting, she is a  more stable confident person, and she has goals for the first time in her life!

 If you can find a way to get some authorities involved in your situation, my advice is do it! It was scary at first, but the safety of your step child is the most improtant thing, whether it causes a fight or not! 

Is there anyway that you could go to court and have a judge decide on a custody agreement? If you go to your lawyer, he will be able to help you to sort it out. No court in Canada or the U.S. will allow this situation, esspecially if you have police reports ect!

There are other ways to go about it with out getting child services involved, and with out making you the bad guy. My advice is that you seek legal council on this one, and find out what your options are. I know in Canada you can have an order saying that the parent in question can see the child, but under supervision.

 We have special places here that you can drop your step daughter off to spend time with her mom, that is totally supervised by court officials. You pay $35 per visit, and they have it all set up like a huge toy room, so that the parent can learn the skills they need to play and relate to the child. I dont know if you have this option in the U.S. but it sounds like it might be worth checking out!

I really hope that things work out for the best for you and your family! God Bless!

WOW!!!! Thats really incredible! I dont have any experience with that sort of situation, but if I were you, I'd be having a very serious discussion with your husband, and your mother in law! They are teaching austin that you are nothing, that you dont even have the skills to pick him up from school, or look after him for an hour in the morning while he sleeps!  Also it is instilling in him that he is some how special, as all of his other brother and sisters dont get the special treatment that Austin is getting. I really think that if you leave this situation any longer, your going to end up with nothing but problems with Austin and your other  childern with jealousy and authority issues.

You are very right that she is just his grandmother, and your husband needs to take control of his, and his sons life, for the sake of his son and his family. It might cause bad blood between him and his mother, but if she wants to see her grandson, then she will come around!!

Hang in there, I know it must be so frusterating for you, and somedays you probably feel like sobbing, and others you feel like ripping your hair out! Just try to find a way to keep your cool, and be the mature adult at all times! If they see that you are 'loosing it" its not gonna help your situation any, because they will think that your to emotional to be logical!

I hope this helps you in some way, God bless, and hang in there!

i think you should talk with your husband. she is his grandma. she does have a right to see her grandson, but it shouldn't have to be on a daily or even weekly basis. and it doesn't always have to be in her house. you can spend time with the three of you, or the four, or the seven. and i find it a bit strange that she throws a fit like a three year old, and that your husband gives in to that. you can agree to have grandma come over once a week, or you going over to her once a week if that works, or less if once a week is too much. but i think that you are a bigger family now, with four kids instead of one. so if she wants to pick him up from school, fine, but let her pick up all the kids, and not just him, or you will pick up all four. i think it is rather ridiculous to have you both standing there, for different kids of the same family. so i think you should talk to your husband, and work something out, and then talk to his mother.

 My step-daughter has been living with me and my husband from the age of 2.  When I first met her, her mother was in and out of her life and living in a different city 3 hours away.  When Brooke turned four and started preschool she began calling me "Mom" and referring to her real mother by her first and last names.  It wasn't a title that I tried to push on her, but I didn't tell her to stop either.  Over the last few years Brooke has heard from her real mother every once in a while: the occassional phone call, maybe a daily visit once or twice a year, and then piles of presents through the mail for her birthday and Christmas.  After Brooke turned six, her mother became really involved with her (phone calls nearly every day, a visit every month, etc.) so her father and I took her to her mother's for a weekend while we stayed with relatives.  On the second day Brooke's mother showed up where we were staying with a crying Brooke who kept saying she was "Missing her Mom."  While I was in the house washing the tears off Brooke's face, her mother got in her car and left.  Brooke talked to her twice in the following week on the phone and then her mother literally disappeared.  She quit her job, broke up with her fiancee and moved to a different city.  Even her own mother (who Brooke has a very close relationship with) has no idea exactly where Brooke's mother is.  Brooke's mother does have a history of drug and alcohol abuse and manic-depressive behavior, though she refuses to take medication.  She also lies pathologically about everything from the weather to the color of the car she bought a few years back.  My problem is that Brooke is worried sick about her mother.  She cries herself to sleep at least once a week because she, "misses her K.C. Mom."  I understand how much this must hurt her and have tried to give Brooke different outlets for expressing her feelings.  She has journals to write in, a tape recorder to record messages for her mother and we have a collection of schoolwork and crafts she is saving in a box to show her mother when she visits again.  Brooke is also intuitive enough to have come up with the conclusion that her "K.C. Mom is probably just jealous of me."  We have also tried to explain to Brooke that her mother probably is just having some confusing times right now and is keeping her distance until she gets them figured out, because sometimes when adults have problems they accidentaly make problems for their kids also.  I suppose my ultimate question is this:  Do my husband and I try everything we can to find her mother and bring her back into Brooke's life or do we keep waiting?  I would also appreciate any feedback or suggestions to helping Brooke deal with this absence.

i'm not sure if it would be right for brooke to have her bio mom in her life. because if she walked away a couple of times already she will do it more often. so i'd say, keep her out of her life, or at least not to close. hse just isn't a stable factor in brookes life, and if she keeps walking out on brooke, it might be best for brooke not to get too close. with her history she also doesn't seem a positive influence. you don't want brooke to learn how to lie, because of her. so i think: it might not be a nice coice, but i think it is best for brooke, to keep her mothre on a distance. at least until she really changed, or made a turnaround.

My husband has 2 sons (15 & 13) from a previous marriage and we have 1 daughter (10).

He divorced his wife 12 years ago. She is STILL angry, bitter, mean, unable to get over it.

Her vengence is to turn the boys against their father and she has done a very good job of it. It is really sick how far she has gone to alienate him from their lives - even went so far as to have them circumcised at 4 & 6, just so they wouldn't "be like him".

She moved to another state after the custody evaluator (4th evaluation, every one at the mother's request) said it would ease the high-conflict situation (mother rewarded for causing all conflict!). In all, he has spent over $100,000.00 on attorney fees, court fees, psychologist fees, etc. - just so he could be a part of his children's lives/they could have a father in thier life.

They "visit" for 6 weeks every summer, Spring Break, Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc., but I am to the point where I no longer want them in my house.

All they want to do is sit on their butts, playing video games or watching television (because they are allowed to at their mother's).

They snoop in my drawers and steal my things.

They complain that there is "never any food in the house", but it is just that there is no "junk food" in the house (like at their mother's). One of them is obese and the other ADHD - neither of them should eat junk.

We sign them up for "camps" (fun, expensive enrichment programs like winsurfing, rock climbing, sea-kayaking, etc.) but the are so ungrateful and complain about that, too.

I have asked my husband to deal with them, but he doesn't want to be the "bad guy", because he wants them to love him and want to spend time with him. He doesn' realize or is in denial that it is too late. They have been poisoned for too long. Their mother will never change and they are beyond help. So, I have to be the disciplinarian.

They have no rules or limits in their mother's home (she NEEDS them to love her, she has nothing else). If they are punished in our home, they run back to their mother and lie about it, saying they "got in trouble for no reason".

What have I gotten myself into?

I am after help for my beautiful 10 year old step daughter. She is angry and sad most of the time.  Her real mum died when she was a baby, so she has only other people's memories of her mum. Her dad is just fantastic with her. We became a family about 2 years ago. Her grandparents from her mums side have not welcomed me. Their reaction to our marriage was to goto lawyers and ask about seeking custody of their grand daughter. There have been many angry words between the adults. Our poor girl is stuck in the middle of a situation she didn't create and is surrounded by adults who don't know what to do for her best interests.  She hasn't seen any of the fighting, but is all too aware of the tension. She is hurting. We are all hurting. Does anyone out there have any ideas?

My husband and I have been married for 3 years, together for 6.  Between us, we have two kids -- I have a son who is almost 12 and lives with us.  He sees his father regularly every other weekend and sometimes during the week when his dad's work schedule allows.  My ex and I have a very good, healthy relationship.  My husband has a daughter who is 8 years old.  She lives with her mother and we have her every other weekend, once during the week, and for 4 weeks of vacation time in the summer.  The kids love each other dearly and there are no problems between them.

The problem is my husband.  He treats my son like a servant -- ordering him around to do things and screaming at him when he doesn't do them to his satisfaction.  My husband has a touch of OCD and is very picky about how things are done -- which is fine.  I have no problem with my son doing his fair share of household chores, as I think he should contribute to the work around the house.  But my husband has NO idea how to teach children anything and has very little to no patience.  He hollers at my son when he doesn't do something his way.  He doesn't know how to encourage him when he does something right, never says anything nice to him when he does well in school, etc., but is always quick to discipline him when he does something wrong.   He has him do outside chores, and yells at him the whole time -- it is very demoralizing to my son who is at a "weird" age anyway with puberty and all, and my husbnd does this in front of anyone -- he doesn't care who's around.

The other problem is his daughter - -who I love dearly and have a great relationship with -- does absolutely nothing.  She's the "princess" of the house when she comes here and when she is here, our whole time revolves around her and whatever she wants.  She does no chores unless I ask her to do something - -her father doesn't ask her to do anything.  He rarely disciplines her -- for the same things he yells at my son for.  He talks so sweet and kind to her -- I wish he would treat my son that way! 

I do my best to be equal and fair to both kids, but I'm concerned that my son is really starting to resent his stepfather.  What's more, the more my husband acts like this towards my son, it affects my feelings for him.  When he treats my son this way, it feels like I don't "like" him at that moment and I'm concerned that it's affecting our relatinship.  I really don't know what to do.  I have had thoughts of just taking my son and leaving, but I'm not sure that's the right answer.  As I have said, there are times when I fully agree with his disciplining of my son, if the discipline was equal between the children, but it is so clearly not.  Everyone sees this -- including people in my husband's family.  But whenever I try to talk to him about it, he thinks I'm  just sticking up for my son and over-reacting.  I'm really at a crossroads and don't know what to do.  I love my husband very much and our relationship as husband-wife is very good, but my son is my son, and how do you get through this and make sure that he doesn't end up angry and resentful towards not only my husband, but also me for feeling that I "put" him in this situation.  There is absolutely no physical abuse at all, but I feel like this might be mentally abusive to my son and as  parent I want to protect him.  I'm just not sure what to do.

i know exactly how you are feeling. my husbands ex is the same she just wont get over the fact they are not together.

i have been with my husband for five years now, thats a long time when you constantly have to deal with the exs complaints and manipulation games and step kids who are incredibly selfish.

sometimes i feel like i should just leave to get away from all the games but i love himand we have a 3yr old together, so its really complicated.

his kids tell him they want me to leave or they wont visit him, they tell him that they are sooooo scared of me and that i dont like them

all i have ever done is be nice and treat them with respect and put up with all of their crap.

im now at a loss as what to do anymore.

the worst part is that their dad doesnt want to be the bad guy and doesnt want to lose them.

the way i see it he never really had them they have had him on strings running around after their wants et.

he doesnt seem to understand how much this is affecting our realationship and destoying our family.

so believe me you are not alone.

i wish i could give you some advice but i have no idea what to do about these sort of people.

hope things get better for you. : )