Topic : Step-Parenting

Good morning to all!
After a blow out weekend I am starting to wonder exactly how do you get people to understand? I have 2 daughters of my own (11 & 15) and the s.o. has 3 daughters (13,16,&17). The oldest stopped coming over a year ago because she claims her father doesn't love her and he is at fault for all that has gone wrong in her life. She refuses to talk to him but will happily text msg every few months and tell him she's going to kill herself, at which time we contact their local sheriff to find her.(The last time was Aug and their mother had left on tuesday for some type of festival and had left the oldest home alone was unable to be contacted by us or the sheriff) The middle daughter hasn't been her since September and won't come back since we have put our foot down to spending all wknd on her cell phone, in her bedroom, instead of being involved while she is her. She told my oldest that she won't come back if she can't have her phone. We tried almost a year ago to explain to her that spending all wknd on her phone wasn't spending time with her father or anyone else here. My kids also have cell phones but know the rules. They live with them everyday. No phone at school, homework and chores first, and then phone. Phones off by 9 for youngest 10 for oldest and 11 on weekend for both. Phones not allowed during family time or functions. Does this sound out of line? She has gone through my oldest daughters phone to get the number to my daughter's boyfriend so that she could text him too. Broke my daughters trust.
The youngest has increasingly become more and more angery. She has on numerous occassions called my youngest a f'in 'B' as well as myself. When she gets to our house she goes in her room or hides outside until she leaves. She claims her grandparents hates all of them because they say something when they don't like their behavior. Isn't that what parents/grandparents do? Well this weekend the only one that came was his youngest. My kids went to their grandparents because they dont want to be here when his kids are here. They have had enough of being treated like dirt. Anyways, we took his youngest out for supper Sat night. She was telling us about her babysitting nd how her sister told her she couldn't babysit these kids because they are her kids to watch. I asked if she had taken a babysitting class and she said no her mom was suppose to sign her up this past summer but didn't. I told her my youngest was taking a class the next time she came and if she wanted to take the class we would happily sign her up and she could go with her. Nope she didn't want to do that. Thats when her dad unloaded. He called her on all the lies she had been telling, on her attitude, on her unwillingness to be approached, the whole mess flew everywhere. She got up and stormed into the womens bathroom. I gave her a minute and went in after her. I tried to explain to her that we do love them, we don't like their attitudes, but to them there is not difference. I told her I can't stand watching her treat her dad like dirt, herself like dirt, nor me and my kids. I reminded her that actions speak louder than words and she was the one that called us all f'in B's. I told her to getto the table and when we got there she said she wanted to go home. When we got back to the house her dad called her BM and gave her her the phone. She then tried to give him back the phone cuz her 'Mama' wanted to talk to him and he told her no you tell her why she's comin home. She told her mom that I called her a F'in B. I didn't, I had told her she was actin like a snot. She was by now screamin at me and I yelled back. Her mother claims she has this all recorded. My s.o. also had a few more rounds with her after she hung up with her mom and before thay left. Again revisiting the name calling, the attitudes, the lies, and the in general disrespect for all involved. I spoke with her before she left, she had clamed down a bit. I reminded her that I do love her, and want her here but I don't like the attitude. On sunday the bm called to tell us thay wouldn't be coming back because they are not accustomed to being talked to in the manner of which I had spoken to them. I'm a no nonsense person. I get right to the point and make no bones about it. If I see something I thin is wrong i don't usually hesitate to say something. I give it to you straight and expect the same in return. I hold you accountable for you actions. They however live with someone who does not do that. There bm is living with one man while still married to another, this has been going on for 4 years. Has told her children that she has the papers but she has neglected to tell them they are not filed. She has told her kids lie after lie and when they repeat them to us we show them the proof that what she is saying is a lie but that only backfires to us being the liars. What do you do? I have said i will move out or will not be here on the weekends that they are here. My s.o. is not okay with this and says he will move out and then noone will have him. Not us and not them. He will just move away. This is not what I want for any of us. Do we call a family meeting and lay t all on the line? The last time this happened his kids had to eat crow for all the lies thay had told their mom. I feel like i'm standing in the middle of the abyss wth no way out. Anyone have any ideas? Has anyone else dealt with a similar situation and if so what do you do?

I have been raising my stepdaughter who is 11, for 2 years. She lives with me and her father full time. She has visited her mom sometimes but they cannot get along with each other.Her mom favors her youngest son more and gives him allot more attention..For example for Christmas last  year the mom bought her son a lot of gifts rather pricey and he is only 6..and gave her daughter a couple of things all under 10 bucks.the mother bribed her daughter to come to her house that Christmas with fantastic gifts waiting for her.When the real reason is that the daughter could watch her brother open all the gifts he had been given.and to make the daughter feel even less important..She always is getting hurt and put down by her birth mother.This thanksgiving she is going out of state with her mother to visit her boyfriends family and i am afraid it is going to be horrible for her.now my stepdaughter has started to talk bad about her dad and me..she says we don't buy her things she needs and she has nothing and it is really hurt full to me.i am trying to understand her side of he situation.but am having difficulty..she refers to me by my first name and calls her birth mom her REAL mom. even on some paperwork she brings home from school she list her REAL mom instead of me. why does she still want to be hurt by her birth mom and treat me bad when i am the one doing everything for her. taking care of her her birth mom does not care for her at all. she just wants my daughter around so she will have a babysitter for her new son or a house keeper for the weekend. I just can't understand why she continues to be used and hurt by her birth mom. And treats me bad before she leaves. Anybody have the same things going on at your home? How do you deal with the hurt full things being said to you? Will my stepdaughter realize how horrible her birth mom really is.And that she only uses her daughter and talks about how rude and disrespectful he is and how her younger brother is perfect and a complete angel.And my stepdaughter is not any of those things.Her birth mom just talks bad about her daughter in front of her boyfriends family and that is horrible thing to do to a person.Please help.

I would like some sound advice. My 16 y/o stepson lives with my husband and me, and has been for 1 1/2 years now, after years of wanting him to live with us. He's going through the rebellious stage that teens go through, some moments worse than others. The problem is, his mom doesn't agree with us on much of anything, and vice versa, and this sends major mixed signals. She tells him all she expects from him is to not do drugs and don't get anyone pregnant. She has supplied him with condoms, pornography magazines and a sex toy. We have 3 other kids in our home, ages 10, 5, and 2. This really upsets me to think a parent would supply this type of thing to their child. I'm close with my stepson (he's always called me mom) and we have always been able to talk, but I feel his birth mother is making the attempt to be "cool."  I'd like to hear all your opinions!!

 I posted this message quite a while ago and received a few responses with the majority of them saying that it was best to leave Brooke's bio-mom out of the picture until she was able to be a strong role model for our little girl.  For those of you who cared enough to respond I just thought I would give you an update.  Brooke's bio-mom committed "accidental" suicide last week.  She took  aspirin, washed them down with vodka and then asked her roommates to call an ambulance because of what she did.  After they disposed of their drug paraphenalia and stash they did, but it was too late.  And as hard as what everything is to deal with now, I know that your advice was right.  I can't imagine what Brooke would be going through right now had her K.C. mom been more involved in her life.  As it is Brooke is handling everything very well with the help of a supportive family and friend network.  She started her greiving process over a year ago when her mom disappeared and this seems to be the closure (for lack of a better word) that she needed.  Brooke's explanation is this:  "I think when God made my mom He just didn't put her together like us and He kept trying and trying to fix her and finally said 'That's it, I'm done trying, it's time for you to come Home.'"  So once again, thank you to those who offered words of personal wisdom and encouragement.  And for those of you new to the boards, hang around, because the people here have good advice to give.

My heart goes out to you. I started dating a single father three years ago...his daughter was 5..but he'd not been able to locate her for almos a year since the mother's family kept moving her around the state as soon as he got close to locating her. The red tape of the court system was insane. Anyway...her mother also had a history of drug and alcohol abuse as well as depression. We got a phone call 18 months ago from her aunt telling us that the mother had died of a drug overdose and that Shelby was crying for her father. We've had her full time ever since though we've had to fight her maternal family tooth and nail along the way. She is 8 now and such an amazing kid. My heart does not know that I did not give birth to her. We are extremely close and she's made comments about how much a better mom I am than her other mom was.  I searched high and low for help in being the stepmother to a child who lost her mother with little to no results. There is one book called "The Forever Loss" which was great; it gives you great insight into how children remember the loss from the adult perspective. The best thing we ever did was put her into a children's art bereavement group - it was amazing for her. She sees a therapist weekly and you almost would not know that she had suffered such a terrible loss so recently.  She still misses her mom and it's ok...she's always going to but it is in no way a reflection on her relationship with me. She has an earth mother and a heaven mother - there is always someone watching over her. We have pictures of her mom up in the house...we talk about her whenever she brings it up...she has some of her things that she can hold and curl up with when she feels the need...she writes letters to her sometimes and we send them up in a balloon...we keep her mother alive in her memory through stories of when she was small and by making sure that she knows what positive traits she got from her so that connection is reinforced...mostly, we have made it ok to miss her even though they were divorced and there was alot of bitterness and anger on the side of the adults.  She knows I love her because I fell in love with her not because I had to and I never stumble whether she introduces me as her mother or her stepmother.  Your daughter will get through it as well but I encourage you to get her into counseling - there is much they cannot articulate at such a young age...much they bury because of the fear that they will be abandoned yet again if they upset you....my heart aches for any child who has to deal with that fear and hurt.  Warm thoughts and wishes to you all.

Never forget that she is part her mother as well; saying negative things about her mother is indirectly saying negative things about her as well. No one wants to believe they are unwanted or unloved by their own parent....can you imagine what that must feel like?

i have two stepsons and two biological sons.  i am close to one stepson and the other hates my guts.  my advice to you would be open with the stepson.  discuss your concerns with him.  i'm not suggesting you talk down about his mother or her choices.  just that you discuss your concerns about sex.  discuss your concerns about the negative influence that these pornographic items would have on your younger children.  tell him that you respect him enough and trust him enough to know that he will protect his younger siblings by not allowing them access to those items.  as for condoms, i don't believe them to be a bad thing.  discuss sex with him.  discuss relationships and sexually transmitted disease.  get his opions and ideas on the subjects.  go from there.  this will make your relationship with him that much stronger.  this is a great bonding expereince for you both.

try to work out some one on one time with you and the stepdaughter.  do something you know she likes.  make it a regular part of the visits at your home.  also carve out some special one on one time for her and her dad.  this is very important to her.  things are difficult for children in divorce situations.  they really don't understand all the emotions they go through and often need help processing.  i suggest therapy also.  not just for her but for you all as a family.  definitely though you need to have a one on one heart to heart with your spouse.  he has to put out or get out.  otherwise things will go from bad to worse as she grows up.  it will be difficult for him to do i'm certain as i have children and step children myself.  but he wouldn't allow his kids to play with electricity while standing in a puddle.  discuss with him what you are feeling keeping in mind that this is his child.  think about how he must be feeling.  and make sure he knows you love him and that given time an dthe right circumstances you will love her too.

i think it is fantastic that you have a loving relationship with a stepfamily.  its too often that we hear all the bad stuff.  good for you for posting.  my son has a step mother and step father.  thankfully my ex and ia are doing a fantastic job coparenting our eleven year old.  i love my sons other mother.  she does a great job with him as well as her two bio children.  i think j has benefited from this arrangement in many ways.  i hope that when he is older he has the ability to look back on his situation and see it in such a wonderful light.