Topic : Step-Parenting
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April 20, 2008, 5:19 pm PDT
 Quote From: marisavb When I met my husband a few years ago he was trying his best to be a single father to 7 year old twin girls. Their mom had left when they were 5 years old and 2 years on had only spoken to her children 4 times on the phone. She never called on their birthday or Christmas and the times they did talk to her on the phone were times my husband had tracked her down and called her. She was in the grips of a heroin addiction which culminated in her prostituting herself to finance her habit. After my husband and I had moved in together, I called her one day to fill her in on her children's progress because I knew that they needed their mom in their lives. She started calling more often and then eventually last year we sent the girls to her during their schoool holiday. She KEPT them! She just didn't send them back to us. At that stage in South Africa the new laws giving unmarried fathers as much rights as the unmarried mothers had only just been promolgated but it was still a very grey area, so the authorities would not help us get them back. We fought a lengthy, very costly legal battle and after 5 months the courts temporarily gave the children back to us pending a full investigation by the state. We have since been awarded full physical custody of the girls (who are now 11 years old) and their mom has reasonable rights of access to them. The 5 months the girls spent with her were traumatic to say the least. They came back to us with the most horrific stories of neglect and manipulation. During this time she continued to use heroin and as a result was not the present and able mother they had imagined her to be. We've had them seeing a psychologist since they've been back and it seems that they're very resilient and are just happy to be back home where they feel a sense of security and of course back with their daddy who they absolutely idolise! My husband and I have added another little girl to the family in the meantime, Trinity is 14 months old and the girls love her to distraction. They take their roles as big sisters very seriously and everyday they write in their gratitude journals that they're grateful to have her in their lives. Their Therapist has also said that they don't feel threatened by her at all and speak of her only with love and adoration. My husband and I have worked very hard to ensure that the girls never feel that the little one is a threat to them. The girls also call me Mom, this started years ago after I had first come into their lives, they desperately needed a mothers touch and when I offered it they took hold and won't let go! I love them as my own children and in fact I believe that the only way they're not mine is biologically! Having said that though, I know that my role in their lives is a supportive one and that I need to allow their mom to parent them too, which I do at times! It is becoming increasingly difficult to do this though because firstly they live with me and I am their primary care-giver, their mother lives 1000 kilometers away and only has telephone contact with them and when she does call it's to moan and shout at them for the stupidist little things! How do I deal with this woman who clearly has no idea on what it takes to be a parent? She just wants to be in control and uses the girls as leverage - when they lived with her for those 5 months, they barely saw her as she locked herself away in the room most of the day, but she felt in control because she had them. She doesn't teach them anything, has no morals or principles herself and therefore has no idea how to walk the talk or even talk the talk for that matter. She is self-absorbed, manipulative (as every drug addict out there is) and always, always plays the victim! The girls are losing respect for her and refuse to visit her during school holidays as there are still serious trust issues following her actions last year when she didn't send them back after their visit. She doesn't understand this though and won't accept that her actions are responsible for the way they feel - she only blames ME for putting these things into their heads! It's ridiculous as I'm the one who always initiates contact with her and I never speak ill of her to the children at all! It would be so easy for me to turn them against her - but that's not my agenda - I don't want to scar my children or cause them any pain later, so I would never do that to them - she doesn't see this though and tells them all the time that I'm an f*%&% bitch, etc. etc. HELP me help myself please - all I seem to be doing lately is thinking of her and I don't want her to preoccupy my thoughts like this. I want to be thinking positively again and get back my zest for life! If their bio-mom doesn't call, don't encourage the girls to call her. From what you've described, it is more toxic and dysfunctional to have a relationship then to not have one with this woman. You are technically their step mother, but you live our life as a real mother to them; they will always respect you for that. It is wonderful that you and your husband have helped to heal these precious girls and that they have a happy, healthy environment to flourish in. The biological mother doesn't deserve an ounce of respect, and in fact, it could be dangerous to allow the children to visit her, given her past actions. My advice to you is to not encourage a relationship with her; it will only bring the girls heartache and pain. |
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April 23, 2008, 9:13 am PDT
First of all, I've been married for 1 and a half year. Me and my husband both have kids he has 6 and I have 2. Only one of his kids live with us and he is 6years old. My daugher is six and my son five. It seems as if the kids are dividing us. He lets his son get away with lots of things, he don't discipline him at all. When you mention it to him he says that he go do things the way he do. But his son is doing the same thing over and over again. For example, he starts spats with the kids, he always hits my older son and his father never says anything. His son and my son always argue. It's like a divided home bc he feels that i defend my child, ( i do sometimes bc my husband isnt fair with my children) He cater to his son, damn anybody else's feeling around him ( including mines). Don't get me wrong I love my husband and stepson, but it seems as if my husband takes his son side even if he is wrong. I tell him constantly that his child isn't the only child in the house, but his decisions on punnishment for my kid is harsh especially my son. But stepson can be bad at school and still get rewards, that isn't fair. My son has all A's in school and he is treated like his behavior is bad and school while stepson is treated like he has all A's. Just yesterday, my stepson hit my son and he does this often, he gets away with it. But anyways, my son finally got fed up and hit him in the eye . I feel that they shouldn't fight but if you hvae someone constantly hitting you just bc he knows that he is going to get away with it, sometimes you have to take matters in you own hands. My husband didn't like that so he put my son in a head lock and hit him. I don't think that was right bc his son constantly starts stuff and when my son tells him its like he put a brick wall up bc he does nothing. What should I do bc my son has had so many things happen to him by stepson and his dad will not listen to my son at all. It's not fair. My son said he wish that it could be just me, him and his sister again, and I agreed in my mind. My stepson don't have way listen to him so you know that I feel disrespected. He acts like a baby alot ,he has his dad wrapped around his little finger. I always tell his dad that every bad thing deserve consequences, instead he rewards for bad things as it may seems. I want to walk away from this relationship for other reasons more serious than this. My stepson is a piece of work. Every where that i take him is is rotten, I don't want to take him anywhere recreational anymore bc of it. don't get me wrong my kids can be a pain too but I discipline for wrong doing, they respect me and take me serious., stepson dont?What should I do, I am ready to leave this divided home bc I am tired of my husband doing my son wrong. |
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April 23, 2008, 9:14 am PDT
First of all, I've been married for 1 and a half year. Me and my husband both have kids he has 6 and I have 2. Only one of his kids live with us and he is 6years old. My daugher is six and my son nine. It seems as if the kids are dividing us. He lets his son get away with lots of things, he don't discipline him at all. When you mention it to him he says that he go do things the way he do. But his son is doing the same thing over and over again. For example, he starts spats with the kids, he always hits my older son and his father never says anything. His son and my son always argue. It's like a divided home bc he feels that i defend my child, ( i do sometimes bc my husband isnt fair with my children) He cater to his son, damn anybody else's feeling around him ( including mines). Don't get me wrong I love my husband and stepson, but it seems as if my husband takes his son side even if he is wrong. I tell him constantly that his child isn't the only child in the house, but his decisions on punnishment for my kid is harsh especially my son. But stepson can be bad at school and still get rewards, that isn't fair. My son has all A's in school and he is treated like his behavior is bad and school while stepson is treated like he has all A's. Just yesterday, my stepson hit my son and he does this often, he gets away with it. But anyways, my son finally got fed up and hit him in the eye . I feel that they shouldn't fight but if you hvae someone constantly hitting you just bc he knows that he is going to get away with it, sometimes you have to take matters in you own hands. My husband didn't like that so he put my son in a head lock and hit him. I don't think that was right bc his son constantly starts stuff and when my son tells him its like he put a brick wall up bc he does nothing. What should I do bc my son has had so many things happen to him by stepson and his dad will not listen to my son at all. It's not fair. My son said he wish that it could be just me, him and his sister again, and I agreed in my mind. My stepson don't have way listen to him so you know that I feel disrespected. He acts like a baby alot ,he has his dad wrapped around his little finger. I always tell his dad that every bad thing deserve consequences, instead he rewards for bad things as it may seems. I want to walk away from this relationship for other reasons more serious than this. My stepson is a piece of work. Every where that i take him is is rotten, I don't want to take him anywhere recreational anymore bc of it. don't get me wrong my kids can be a pain too but I discipline for wrong doing, they respect me and take me serious., stepson dont?What should I do, I am ready to leave this divided home bc I am tired of my husband doing my son wrong. |
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April 24, 2008, 3:41 pm PDT
Quote From: keya30 First of all, I've been married for 1 and a half year. Me and my husband both have kids he has 6 and I have 2. Only one of his kids live with us and he is 6years old. My daugher is six and my son nine. It seems as if the kids are dividing us. He lets his son get away with lots of things, he don't discipline him at all. When you mention it to him he says that he go do things the way he do. But his son is doing the same thing over and over again. For example, he starts spats with the kids, he always hits my older son and his father never says anything. His son and my son always argue. It's like a divided home bc he feels that i defend my child, ( i do sometimes bc my husband isnt fair with my children) He cater to his son, damn anybody else's feeling around him ( including mines). Don't get me wrong I love my husband and stepson, but it seems as if my husband takes his son side even if he is wrong. I tell him constantly that his child isn't the only child in the house, but his decisions on punnishment for my kid is harsh especially my son. But stepson can be bad at school and still get rewards, that isn't fair. My son has all A's in school and he is treated like his behavior is bad and school while stepson is treated like he has all A's. Just yesterday, my stepson hit my son and he does this often, he gets away with it. But anyways, my son finally got fed up and hit him in the eye . I feel that they shouldn't fight but if you hvae someone constantly hitting you just bc he knows that he is going to get away with it, sometimes you have to take matters in you own hands. My husband didn't like that so he put my son in a head lock and hit him. I don't think that was right bc his son constantly starts stuff and when my son tells him its like he put a brick wall up bc he does nothing. What should I do bc my son has had so many things happen to him by stepson and his dad will not listen to my son at all. It's not fair. My son said he wish that it could be just me, him and his sister again, and I agreed in my mind. My stepson don't have way listen to him so you know that I feel disrespected. He acts like a baby alot ,he has his dad wrapped around his little finger. I always tell his dad that every bad thing deserve consequences, instead he rewards for bad things as it may seems. I want to walk away from this relationship for other reasons more serious than this. My stepson is a piece of work. Every where that i take him is is rotten, I don't want to take him anywhere recreational anymore bc of it. don't get me wrong my kids can be a pain too but I discipline for wrong doing, they respect me and take me serious., stepson dont?What should I do, I am ready to leave this divided home bc I am tired of my husband doing my son wrong. Your son won’t be able to continue taking verbal, emotional and psychological abuse forever; this is going to effect him and it will change who he is as a person- and I know that you don’t want that to happen. The change won’t be positive. As a parent, I know that you want your children to have better then you’ve had in life. You want to raise happy, healthy and confident children so they go out into the world and become productive citizens. To make that happen, you have to provide a safe, happy and healthy home. You said that you love your husband and step child, but this relationship is extremely unhealthy. It would be very sad if you have to leave because of your husband’s parenting; but this is a very serious issue and if you left, you have valid reasons for doing so. Your husband probably doesn’t discipline his son because of his own issues, such as guilt or something; but by not disciplining, he is creating a monster. My advice to you is to give it one more try; approach your husband at a time when there hasn’t been an incident in regards to disciplining and try to discuss it. Ask him to make a ‘deal’ with you, that you both will discipline the children 100% exactly the same, at least for one week, and see how it goes. If he won’t even try that, you must consider your options seriously; for the well-being of your children. Best wishes to you. |
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April 29, 2008, 7:22 am PDT
Hi everyone. My husband's ex-wife just moved back to our area last Friday and is already started causing problems as of yesterday.
She had moved away just over three years ago to Ontario (3400 miles away)with her first child she had with a different man, to live with the man she left her then husband (now mine) for.
In the years my husband and her were apart she chose NOT to have any contact with their child in fact just after one week of giving her husband the boot she informed him that their child(who at the time was six years of age) was causing problems in her new relationship with her lover and gave the child to her husband to raise. In the years which were six at the time she chose no contact other then perhaps on Christmas and the child's birthday to call him and that was even rare (they lived in the same small town) even though my husband tried to keep her involved in the child's life she chose not too.
Now...that I came into the picture just over one year ago she has now been phoning and chatting on-line with the child (which is fine) in one way. My husband and I became aware of her inappropriate conversations and under-minding our parenting...(such as) it is better to ask forgiveness then to ask for permission (is just one example) there are many more we learned of via instant message the child was keeping along with several others in a shared folder on his PC she even told the child she can't wait to come to our home (and excuse the expression) Piss on my leg!!
On her own accord she gave up Custody and Guardianship to my husband in their divorce...she has No legal stand. I should also mention we have NO Problem of the two of them having visits and staying in communication...but she has to go through my husband to make arrangements for access...she just can't up and go about making plans without speaking with him first as it should be.
We had learned she and the child made plans for this Monday past for her to come to his school and pull him out of class to visit with each other...my husband objected to this and told the child she is not to pull you out of class but she may take you out to lunch instead and said also she is to contact me to make arrangements to see you.
Well...yesterday my husband asked me to phone the school and to inform them that the child's mother was going to come by and pick the child up for lunch for that day only and she has his permission for this day only to remove the child from the school. Of course they asked what the custody order is so I formed them that my husband has Full Custody and all Guardianship over the child that the mother gave up all her legal rights in their divorce...(I will be dropping off a copy of the divorce decree for the school to have on file).
When the child came home from school the child waited just before supper to inform his father that he didn't have lunch that day because...his dear mother told him that I informed her (which I haven't spoken to her in sometime)nor has this conversation ever taken place between her and I. That she said she could 't take him out for lunch that she told him that I said there was a problem with the custody papers.
I was stunned I couldn't believe my ears on what I was hearing from him...I told both my husband and the child I said NO SUCH THING and my husband was home when I made the call to the school it was his day off from work... My husband was calm and I tried not to pop my cork(he told his child there is No problem with the papers) of course the child defended his mother which aerated me. I reminded my husband that I would Not put with her antics and that she is NOT welcome to come to our home she and the child can see each other but if she shows up here I will call the police to have her removed ...and I mean it!!! (My husband works weekends and I am here with the child)...of course the child didn't like this and again defended her by saying she hasn't done anything wrong...but I calmly said she is unwelcome and if she comes here I will phone and have the police remove her!!
I have told my husband since early last year that the woman would move back here but he wouldn't listen to me(of course we have NO say where she lives that is her choice). But even 3400 miles away she was doing her darnedest in trying to cause tension in our home and planting miss trust in the child's mind. All from a woman who made it very clear that the child was a mistake and should have never of been born and has admitted it!!
I have a strong sense she is just getting started and there is a lot more to come our way. She was happy I feel during those years to know there wasn't anyone else in her ex's life and their child's but now it seems she resents knowing someone else has a say over raising the child she gave up and is trying to reestablish herself in other words and using her expression Pissing ...by marking her territory and I for one won't tolerate it. I am reaching my boiling point with this drama that has come into my life via husband and his ex...and with her so close actually just minutes away from our home is a bit much.
Has anyone of us Step-Parents out there had similar problems and HOW did you find a positive way of keeping your sanity and to keep this drama and insane woman out of your HOME?!
Take Care...Sunstone
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April 30, 2008, 10:21 am PDT
Quote From: morningdove Hi everyone. My husband's ex-wife just moved back to our area last Friday and is already started causing problems as of yesterday.
She had moved away just over three years ago to Ontario (3400 miles away)with her first child she had with a different man, to live with the man she left her then husband (now mine) for.
In the years my husband and her were apart she chose NOT to have any contact with their child in fact just after one week of giving her husband the boot she informed him that their child(who at the time was six years of age) was causing problems in her new relationship with her lover and gave the child to her husband to raise. In the years which were six at the time she chose no contact other then perhaps on Christmas and the child's birthday to call him and that was even rare (they lived in the same small town) even though my husband tried to keep her involved in the child's life she chose not too.
Now...that I came into the picture just over one year ago she has now been phoning and chatting on-line with the child (which is fine) in one way. My husband and I became aware of her inappropriate conversations and under-minding our parenting...(such as) it is better to ask forgiveness then to ask for permission (is just one example) there are many more we learned of via instant message the child was keeping along with several others in a shared folder on his PC she even told the child she can't wait to come to our home (and excuse the expression) Piss on my leg!!
On her own accord she gave up Custody and Guardianship to my husband in their divorce...she has No legal stand. I should also mention we have NO Problem of the two of them having visits and staying in communication...but she has to go through my husband to make arrangements for access...she just can't up and go about making plans without speaking with him first as it should be.
We had learned she and the child made plans for this Monday past for her to come to his school and pull him out of class to visit with each other...my husband objected to this and told the child she is not to pull you out of class but she may take you out to lunch instead and said also she is to contact me to make arrangements to see you.
Well...yesterday my husband asked me to phone the school and to inform them that the child's mother was going to come by and pick the child up for lunch for that day only and she has his permission for this day only to remove the child from the school. Of course they asked what the custody order is so I formed them that my husband has Full Custody and all Guardianship over the child that the mother gave up all her legal rights in their divorce...(I will be dropping off a copy of the divorce decree for the school to have on file).
When the child came home from school the child waited just before supper to inform his father that he didn't have lunch that day because...his dear mother told him that I informed her (which I haven't spoken to her in sometime)nor has this conversation ever taken place between her and I. That she said she could 't take him out for lunch that she told him that I said there was a problem with the custody papers.
I was stunned I couldn't believe my ears on what I was hearing from him...I told both my husband and the child I said NO SUCH THING and my husband was home when I made the call to the school it was his day off from work... My husband was calm and I tried not to pop my cork(he told his child there is No problem with the papers) of course the child defended his mother which aerated me. I reminded my husband that I would Not put with her antics and that she is NOT welcome to come to our home she and the child can see each other but if she shows up here I will call the police to have her removed ...and I mean it!!! (My husband works weekends and I am here with the child)...of course the child didn't like this and again defended her by saying she hasn't done anything wrong...but I calmly said she is unwelcome and if she comes here I will phone and have the police remove her!!
I have told my husband since early last year that the woman would move back here but he wouldn't listen to me(of course we have NO say where she lives that is her choice). But even 3400 miles away she was doing her darnedest in trying to cause tension in our home and planting miss trust in the child's mind. All from a woman who made it very clear that the child was a mistake and should have never of been born and has admitted it!!
I have a strong sense she is just getting started and there is a lot more to come our way. She was happy I feel during those years to know there wasn't anyone else in her ex's life and their child's but now it seems she resents knowing someone else has a say over raising the child she gave up and is trying to reestablish herself in other words and using her expression Pissing ...by marking her territory and I for one won't tolerate it. I am reaching my boiling point with this drama that has come into my life via husband and his ex...and with her so close actually just minutes away from our home is a bit much.
Has anyone of us Step-Parents out there had similar problems and HOW did you find a positive way of keeping your sanity and to keep this drama and insane woman out of your HOME?!
Take Care...Sunstone
You and your husband need to set up an arrangement whereby your stepson is collected and returned to a third party's house or he needs to WRITE to the school stating that he gives permission for his son to have lunch with his mother on Mondays or whatever.
You can't expect a school to take notice of a 'phone call from a step parent under the custody circumstances described and it's too much to expect a 12 year old to arrange visits to see his mother when he can't drive and you won't let her pick up and collect him unless there is a reliable bus service to a suitable meeting point.
At the moment you are playing right into her hands presuming she has a disruptive agenda because your husband hasn't accepted the necessity to react to her presence nearby and PROVIDE his son with the time and opportunity to see his mother. The child sneaks around with her because he knows whenever his mother's name is mentioned you and your husband will not see his point of view and are likely to over react. |
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April 30, 2008, 3:08 pm PDT
Quote From: a_n_other You and your husband need to set up an arrangement whereby your stepson is collected and returned to a third party's house or he needs to WRITE to the school stating that he gives permission for his son to have lunch with his mother on Mondays or whatever.
You can't expect a school to take notice of a 'phone call from a step parent under the custody circumstances described and it's too much to expect a 12 year old to arrange visits to see his mother when he can't drive and you won't let her pick up and collect him unless there is a reliable bus service to a suitable meeting point.
At the moment you are playing right into her hands presuming she has a disruptive agenda because your husband hasn't accepted the necessity to react to her presence nearby and PROVIDE his son with the time and opportunity to see his mother. The child sneaks around with her because he knows whenever his mother's name is mentioned you and your husband will not see his point of view and are likely to over react. You seem to of missed the point. Yes there is no doubt she has an agenda. As to the child sneaking off to meet with her he knows this is not an issue of him seeing his mother with us. He knows he can see her when they want to spend time together and arrangements can easily be made to get him to their visits...but because of past experience with her she is not welcome in our home period!
She is setting up meeting with the child without first speaking with the custodial parent period and wanting to remove the child from his classroom during classes is unacceptable that is why my husband suggested that she take him out for lunch instead. The parent who has custody of their child'/children will agree is not acceptably. Neither my husband nor I are in anyway trying to come between the child and his mother...
As I said in my first letter there is more to this situation with the child's mother which one could write a book on what I will say has taken place within the last year. She is the one who chose to throw the child away like yesterdays newspaper and now wants back in his life "obviously she has realized her mistake after all of these years and wants a relationship with the child. Fine and good." But she has tried on different times to under-mind our parenting of the child and this is quoting her "you don't have to listen to your dad or her...it is better to ask forgiveness then ask for permission." This is just one of many things that have arisen with her in the past year.
Thank-you again...but it wasn't helpful...Take Care Sunstone |
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May 1, 2008, 1:50 am PDT
Quote From: morningdove You seem to of missed the point. Yes there is no doubt she has an agenda. As to the child sneaking off to meet with her he knows this is not an issue of him seeing his mother with us. He knows he can see her when they want to spend time together and arrangements can easily be made to get him to their visits...but because of past experience with her she is not welcome in our home period!
She is setting up meeting with the child without first speaking with the custodial parent period and wanting to remove the child from his classroom during classes is unacceptable that is why my husband suggested that she take him out for lunch instead. The parent who has custody of their child'/children will agree is not acceptably. Neither my husband nor I are in anyway trying to come between the child and his mother...
As I said in my first letter there is more to this situation with the child's mother which one could write a book on what I will say has taken place within the last year. She is the one who chose to throw the child away like yesterdays newspaper and now wants back in his life "obviously she has realized her mistake after all of these years and wants a relationship with the child. Fine and good." But she has tried on different times to under-mind our parenting of the child and this is quoting her "you don't have to listen to your dad or her...it is better to ask forgiveness then ask for permission." This is just one of many things that have arisen with her in the past year.
Thank-you again...but it wasn't helpful...Take Care Sunstone Your stepson went into school expecting to be able to see his mother. He didn't because your husband left you to make a 'phone call instead of sending in a SIGNED letter. Then your stepson's version of whatever was said by the school employee who refused him permission to leave was dismissed out of hand.
You don't want the ex at your house, she doesn't want to go through you to get to organise things with your husband. Your stepson at 12 doesn't see the need to report all details of his 'phone and computer conversations with his mother to you and your husband. If your husband doesn't set things up and facilitate their meetings this will continue. |
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May 1, 2008, 6:24 am PDT
Quote From: a_n_other Your stepson went into school expecting to be able to see his mother. He didn't because your husband left you to make a 'phone call instead of sending in a SIGNED letter. Then your stepson's version of whatever was said by the school employee who refused him permission to leave was dismissed out of hand.
You don't want the ex at your house, she doesn't want to go through you to get to organise things with your husband. Your stepson at 12 doesn't see the need to report all details of his 'phone and computer conversations with his mother to you and your husband. If your husband doesn't set things up and facilitate their meetings this will continue. I did in fact suggest that very same thing to my husband about him setting up specific times for the child and his mother to come together but alas he said NO that she will lose interest in the child just as she did over the last several years and wanted nothing to do with him. I myself don't believe this to be true as to my husband's idea she'll lose interest in wanting to see the child as she has in the past.
NO...you are mistaken the mother doesn't have to go through me to see her child all she has to do is phone my husband to make arrangements with him "not me" I don't want any contact with her. I don't care how often the child and his mother want to see each other...I to am a mom of grown children from my previous marriage and understand the need of parent and child bonding. And if this is truly genuine on her part that her feelings and needs in building a relationship with the child then Great; it's about damn time she decided to allow the child in her life after all these years after choosing her lover over her child.
She was young at the time and hopefully has finally grown up?! But only time will tell actions... as they say speak louder then words!!
And about phone and PC conversations... I have never inquired on what is said between them just as I don't question the child of his conversations with his friends.
I just don't want the woman coming to My home period. She can see the child as often as the two of them want to spend time together ...that was never the issue I have. What I don't want is not to go through the same drama or any new drama with this woman as we've had to deal with her in just over the one year of us being married. Issues the two of them have with one another...is unreal and I for one don't and never did want it in my life and was unaware the extent until after we were married. No normal person would want this in their lives and I for certain don't want it anymore... for this not to filter into my home life is by avoiding contact occurring between us that it is best the drop off and pick up occur elsewhere but NOT AT MY HOME!
So ...for us to drop him off in town for the two of them to spend whatever length of time they want and the mother and my husband have agreed upon that's fine that's between them...I just don't want her at my home coming and going as she feels.
Thank-you. You suggested one thing that I know would work and that is for times and days to be setup and I have suggested it already but otherwise you're off the mark as to what has been going on. One could write a book on what has occurred in just the past year alone...trust me if you had to endure what I have of your marriage...you would feel exactly the same way I do!!!
Take Care ....Sunstone |
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May 2, 2008, 1:41 pm PDT
My husband and I have been married for 2 months now, but been together for 3 years. He has 2 children from a previous marriage, 6 year old son and 3 year old daughter. The problem is their biological mother has been causing alot of problems. When they first divorced, of course, she fought for custody of them (we later figured out was to prove herself, not because she really wanted them). She won primary custody, which most mothers do unless you can prove that they are an unfit parent. A year went by and my husband swore he would take her back to court. Around the time that he was beginning to look for anothing lawyer, she told him she would give him custody of the kids, because her other 4 children went to visit their father for the summer and he and his wife slapped her in the face with a restraining order because her brother had molested the 2 oldest daughters when they were younger. So, she could not afford to go back to court, and instead handed them over to us. About a month went by, and then, she and her 3rd husband moved to another state because she did not want to be around anyone here at all. She stayed there for 6 months, and then sent my husband a letter stating how she knew what she did was wrong and she was going to come back here and never leave the kids again. (She was coming back because her marriage was on the rocks and was going to leave her alcoholic husband.) My stepson was having a very hard time coping with her being gone. So, she came back and moved in with her friend so she could look for a job. She came here to visit with the kids a couple of times, introducing herself back into their lives. A few weeks ago, she informed my husband that she was going to go back to "end" things with her husband. She promised she would be back for the kids. A week went by, she said she was coming back she just needed money for gas. Supposedly, she was going to be getting money for it 2 weeks ago. Haven't heard anything since. It has been very hard on the kids. Surprisingly they don't ask about her much because they are used to her being absent from their lives. I just know this is going to be something they will have to cope with forever. My husband sent her an email (her phone is shut off) letting her know that he should have known that she did not come back here to be with them, only to get away from her husband. It has just been a very drama filled experience, and we are so angry with her for being so selfish. It is so hard for my stepson especially because he understands more what is going on. What is he supposed to think now when we tell him she has moved back up there? Before he would say, "If she says she loves me, why doesn't she come be with me?" I just don't understand how a mother can do this. |
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