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Topic : 07/24 Teen Dating and Abuse

Number of Replies: 570
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Created on : Thursday, April 13, 2006, 01:16:29 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 04/19/06) It's every parent's worst fear – his or her teen daughter hooking up with a “bad boy.” But what do you do when your worries come true, and your daughter comes home with a black eye? Melody feared for the safety of her 17-year-old daughter, Coryn, so she filed a restraining order against her boyfriend, Brian. Coryn says her mom has it all wrong, and Brian treats her well. What does Brian have to say? And will Coryn learn to see her mom's point of view? Then, Jack and Wendy brought their 20-year-old daughter, Katie, to the show because she has broken up with her boyfriend over 20 times. She keeps getting back together with him even though they say he has called her names, thrown her to the floor, choked her and hit her. Will Katie continue the cycle after her talk with Dr. Phil? Share your stories and talk about the show here.

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April 17, 2006, 1:44 pm CDT

Let's talk

Quote From: lemondrop

Isn't 15 too young to start dating?

 

 

It is to young to date at 15. I was going to allow her to see boys only with a group of friends. I thought that would be a good start. Maybe I'm wrong. She is such a loner I thought if she started to date within a group of friends she would become more friendlier, and less grouchy. Like I said before she has major attuide, so I'm trying to get her to be a  happier person.

 

 

                                                                                            Mary

 
April 17, 2006, 8:28 pm CDT

grouchy 15 yo

Quote From: hmeow29

It is to young to date at 15. I was going to allow her to see boys only with a group of friends. I thought that would be a good start. Maybe I'm wrong. She is such a loner I thought if she started to date within a group of friends she would become more friendlier, and less grouchy. Like I said before she has major attuide, so I'm trying to get her to be a  happier person.

 

 

                                                                                            Mary

Unfortunately, you cannot get her to be a happier person.  It's her choice.  Is she depressed?  I was moody and a loner and generally unpleasant in high school and that is what it turned out to be. (Too bad I did not find out until way later.)  If it isn't biochemical it could be situational.  Then you just need to let her know you will neither judge her nor ignore her. Tell her this! She may roll her eyes or pretend to ignore you but she will hear it.  If she is just choosing to be grumpy, let her know it is affecting people around her and you don't want to hear it.  Dating won't solve the problem.  If she cannot be learn to be happy on her own right now then you don't want her to feel she must depend on others to be happy.  Maybe she just needs a new hobby or activity that she can get involved in. (Yes, I know she is 15 but it is still important!! Clearly I missed out on the being "cool" part of my teen years.)
 
April 18, 2006, 9:00 am CDT

3 phase cycle in abusive relationships

Councils on family and dating violence recognize a 3 phase cycle in abusive relationships.

 

  Although the cycle affords the woman brief periods of relief from the abuse...a loving "honeymoon" if you will....stage....where there are promises and attention...calm... an appearance of "hope."    This non abusive stage, this non violent stage is the "glue" that makes it harder  for her to break up the couple.  

 

THE CORE OF THE RELATIONSHIP IS DENIAL.

 

The abusive, battering male  denies to himself and to his partner that he is abusive , unkind, irrational, unfair, or anything less than the perfect partner.     The abused gal protects herself and the relationship by denying that she is abused or that anything is wrong in their "perfect" couple together.

 

The 1st PHASE 0r STAGE of the battering cycle takes up most of their mutual time together.  During this time, tension mounts and brief abusive incidents may or may not take place.   Both the abuser and the

 

victim know that an incident will take place.   He grows more angry and irrational.      She will become more submissive and  acquiescent.   She will do anything possible to please him,

 

thinking that she will avoid his wrath..."walking on eggshells" thinking she is calming his rage and the brewing storm.  No matter what she does.....nothing will calm him.....no matter what she does not do.....nothing will stop his choices.   An incident will happen.

 

 

In the 2nd STAGE....there is acute abuse, battering which will begin and progress with increased violence.   It can last an hour, two hours, days, several days or as long as it takes for the guy's uncontrollable rage inside himself to subside.    It can be interrupted when he leaves the gal for a period of time....for school....work....his activities....until he returns to abuse her further or repeatedly.

 

 

The 3rd STAGE...the "honeymoon" phase....the "honeymoon" portion

 of the abuse cycle  ...the abuser reverts to his charming self, showing what may be seen as remorse or "I'm sorry"....he promises to change, swears it will never happen again, swears he will never do it again....showers her with attention, affection, love and gifts.     He seems genuinely remorseful and apologetic.

 

 

SHE down deep knows that this is NOT true, she desperately wants to believe his promises (which are empty)  because she loves the Jekyll aspect of her partner's Jekyll and Hyde personality.   She is emotionally drained and physically tortured, has few inner resources left and is in terrible pain.   She falls into his arms with relief and comfort to be comforted and assured of his love and protectiveness.

 

IN HER DEPLETED STATE, THIS BINDS HER MORE CLOSELY TO HIM AND FIRMLY ESTABLISHES HER NEED TO DENY HIS ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR .  

 

Where else would she get support?   During this stage she will usually deny the battering on some level....to herself.....and most especially to others.

 

 

SHE WILL MINIMIZE HER INJURIES.....SHE MAY NOT SEEK MEDICAL ATTENTION...she is in a state of shock and disbelief about what has happened to her.   SHE BLOCKS OUT THE FACTS, THAT FACT THAT SHE HAS BEEN CRIMINALLY ASSAULTED......this by the very guy that is loving her.

 

ONCE THIS CYCLE STARTS AND IS ESTABLISHED...IT REPEATS ITSELF WITH ALARMING FORCE ON A REGULAR BASIS....

 

IT BECOMES THE HABIT OF LIFE, AND INSTINCT REPLACES RATIONALITY.

 

She DOES NOT leave because her thinking processes are geared only to moment to moment survival.

 

The batterer , abuser is in CONTROL AND IN POWER OVER HER AND HER LIFE.

 

 

 

 

 
April 18, 2006, 10:02 am CDT

Abusive teens use the same strategies in teen relationships as are used in adult situations

early warning signals....

 

you see her partner put her down or call her names in front of other people....use just kidding as an attempt at covering up. 

 

 

she apologizes for his behavior...makes excuses for him.

 

she frequently cancels plans at the last minute with reasons that sound untrue.

 

she seems worried about upsetting him or making him mad, even though you see it as a thing that is not something that would make anyone upset.

 

she's giving up things that make her happy or that she's interested in....her activities....her friends, she is becoming isolated....spends more and more time with him.

 

her weight, appearances, or grades have changed.

 

you see injuries she can't explain...or explain well.

 

ABUSE IS NEVER THE VICTIMS FAULT.

 

IT IS A CHOICE ON THE PART OF THE ABUSER......IT IS A WILLFUL CHOICE......LEARNED BEHAVIOR.

 

DON'T BLAME THE VICTIM.......Ask why he batters NOT why she stays.

 

No one deserves to be abused.

 

Stress her attributes and her strengths.

 

Take Teen Abuse and Violence seriously.

 
April 18, 2006, 10:10 am CDT

What is abuse and battering

What is abuse and battering?

 

Battering is a pattern of behavior used by one person to gain, establish and maintain power and control over another person.

 

Battering is never an isolated incident.

 

Abusers use a series of tactics to hold the power and control over their victims.

 

Some forms of abuse include.....

 

Emotional abuse.

 

Intimidation

 

Coercion and sexual violence....sexual abuse.

 

Physical abuse.

 

 

 
April 18, 2006, 10:22 am CDT

verbal abuse

Verbal Abuse.....does not just consist of verbal altercations.  

   

   

Generally, in a verbally abusive relationship the abuser denies the abuse.  

   

Verbal abuse most often takes place behind the scenes, behind closed doors or away from others.  

   

Physical abuse is always preceded by verbal abuse.  

   

Always.!!!!  

 
April 18, 2006, 10:32 am CDT

Immature love

Immature love:  

   

   

You are tired most of the time.  

   

Love seems more like a burden than a joy.  

   

Violence is part of the relationship.  

   

You keep having thoughts like "Maybe things will get better."  

   

Your partner frequently makes promises that aren't kept.  

   

   

You feel.....................................................MISERABLE  

   

   

   

 
April 18, 2006, 10:37 am CDT

Signs of Mature love

Signs of Mature Love:  

   

You have lots of energy.  

   

You have a sense of humor  

   

You really appreciate each other's ideas.  

   

Neither of you frequently asks..."Are you sure that you love me?"  "Do you really care about me?"  

   

When you are together, you spend most of your time enjoyably and creatively.  

   

You can talk about each other's likes and dislikes.  

   

You are a person, not a sex object.  

   

You can spend a day alone with your partner (without TV) and find it............................  

.........................................................FANTASTIC.  

 
April 18, 2006, 10:43 am CDT

Jealousy.........in immature relationships

Jealousy...........People in immature relationships often think that jealousy is a sign of love. 

  

We think its a sign and a signal to "STOP!" 

  

Not talking about once- in- a while jealousy.....That happens to most people. 

  

The kind of jealousy that's harmful is when it's the main worry......or constant......or a big issue. 

  

All that jealousy measures is how unsure a person is. 

  

Most of the energy that jealous people have goes into trying to gain control over their partner. 

  

How exhausting. 

 
April 18, 2006, 10:48 am CDT

Promises, Promises

Promises, promises, promises.  

   

Immature love affairs are heavy with promises.  

   

Bad situations just get worse.  

   

When immature people marry, they pay more attention to their work, sports, cars, or alcohol than they do to their partner.  

   

   

This doesn't mean that mature partners spend all their time together or avoid friends or their work.  Its simply that their feelings for each other are more important than their jobs or their hobbies.  

   

   

   

   

 
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