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Topic : 07/24 Teen Dating and Abuse

Number of Replies: 570
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Created on : Thursday, April 13, 2006, 01:16:29 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 04/19/06) It's every parent's worst fear – his or her teen daughter hooking up with a “bad boy.” But what do you do when your worries come true, and your daughter comes home with a black eye? Melody feared for the safety of her 17-year-old daughter, Coryn, so she filed a restraining order against her boyfriend, Brian. Coryn says her mom has it all wrong, and Brian treats her well. What does Brian have to say? And will Coryn learn to see her mom's point of view? Then, Jack and Wendy brought their 20-year-old daughter, Katie, to the show because she has broken up with her boyfriend over 20 times. She keeps getting back together with him even though they say he has called her names, thrown her to the floor, choked her and hit her. Will Katie continue the cycle after her talk with Dr. Phil? Share your stories and talk about the show here.

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April 19, 2006, 7:00 am CDT

The Power Within

After watching the entire show it really hurts to see other teens going through what I went through at 18 years old. I actually volunteered at a women's shelter at 20 years old. After that experience I thank God every day I am out of that relationship. My parents to this day still do not know the entire story or the horror of abuse I endured. At times I wonder how I survived. These girls need to know that the guys are trying to bring them down even more to their level for control purposes. The abuse only gets worse it doesn't get better or easier to deal with at any time. The fact that the parents have stepped in is a wonderful support to these girls, however, it takes so much more. These teen girls must have the esteem to walk out of the relationship and cut off all ties once they walk. I have a four year degree in counseling due to my experiences and wanting to help others. I see girls and women today in this type of situation and all you can do is tell them "I know". I only hope these girls realize how serious abuse is and learn skills to get out of the situation and stay away from situations such as abuse in the future.
 
April 19, 2006, 7:02 am CDT

Been there... learned the hard way

These young ladies really need to wake up.  What they need to know is that even if the guy keeps his promise to never hit them again, they will end up lost and alone... even in their marriage.  These are angry people whose abuse will cut them to the bone... even if they never lay a finger on their girlfriends.  My husband (yes, I married him) wasn't abusive in the beginning... and when the abuse began, it was only yelling... then pushing & shoving & then it got to where I was hiding bruises & lying to family & friends.  He kept being sorry & I kept taking him back & making excuses for him.  I ended up having no friends and being far away from my family.  We had two children who have been forever scarred by his abuse of me.  He never hit them, but there are far worse ways to hurt children.  They ended up hating him and having no respect for me.  Still, I kept making excuses for him...  After all, he was only bad after he drank.  The last time I left him (for 2 years), he promised he would change & he would never hit me again.  He never did hit me again, but his rages are still there & he is still drinking.  Now, it's too late for me.  I got really sick and am totally disabled.  Now I can't leave, as my disability is only $500 / month & you sure can't support yourself on that.  

41 Years is a very long time to be sad.  

 
April 19, 2006, 7:18 am CDT

Exclusive dating narrows your choices...

I should mention that the abusive guy I married and stayed with for 41 years was the ONLY guy I ever dated.  My father had a strict rule that I couldn't date until I was 16 and I graduated at 15, so no high school dates.  Then he wouldn't let me date anyone until he checked them out... name, rank & serial #, & two weeks notice...  Guys laughed at me when I told them that & my husband was the first guy to allow the check.  Of course, he came back clean as he'd never had a girlfriend before either.  So, I married him... because I wanted to be away from home & I didn't want to be alone.  

   

Life with an abuser is hard too.  There's more to abuse than yelling & hitting. In 41 years, I've only had 2 professional haircuts... NEVER had a manicure. or a facial.  My wardrobe comes from KMart & I've never had a pair of shoes that cost over $30 or a handbag.    

   

When he found out I was dying, he stopped the yelling, but he still gets mad at me when I'm sad... & that hurts.  

 
April 19, 2006, 7:21 am CDT

Dreamland by Sarah Dessen

To all young women everywhere, "Dreamland" by Sarah Dessen is an amazing book about a teen in an abusive relationship and I think it would be inspiring for all teenagers to read.  I read it all in one day!  It is a very powerful book that could help all of the teens on the show today, and I recommend it to everyone!
 
April 19, 2006, 7:23 am CDT

I was sexually and emotionally abused by my boyfriend

I was 13 when I met a "bad boy". He was 17. Growing up, my mother never talked to me about anything important. My father was an alcoholic and didn't talk much. I learned from my peers,movies,and teen magazines which I later found out was not the real world.    

   

  I fell in "love" with this guy and he had been around so he new about sex. I started drinking alcohol with him and it wasn't long before we had sex. Then I belonged to him. He made me stop seeing my friends, skipping school, and pretty much told me how to act. If we came across a guy he knew, I was not allowed to look at him or talk to him. If it was a couple I could talk to the girl. I did everything he wanted me to do because I thought that was how to prove your love.   

   

  He told me that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. If I got pregnant, maybe my parents would let me marry him and we would live happily ever after. At 14 I did get pregnant and my parents signed for us to get married. That very night, he told me I had to stay home or go to my parents house to visit them but I was not allowed to go anywhere else unless he was with me.   

   

  Life was hell after that. I was always nervous, weighed only 95 lbs, didn't know anything about raising a child. My son spent most of the first 4 years with his grandparents. Thats only a drop in the bucket. I stayed with this man for 22 years. I learned how to please him to keep peace in the family. I had another son at 19.   

   

  When I got into my 30's, I started to figure it all out. I have never been myself. I didn't know who "myself" even was. He was controlling,angry, I was his possesion. I finally got the courage to leave him.   

   

  Now at age 55, I am dealing with alcoholism and anxiety disorders and depression. that I have always had from my childhood. I am currently on antabuse, prozac,xanax,go to AA and read a lot of self help books. Thanks,Dr. Phil for "Self Matters". It has changed my life.    

   

It's been a long road for me but Iam getting better. If only the young people would  listen and take our advice.    

   

  Please talk to your children about these things when they are younger. Don't wait till they are teenagers. They will not listen to you at that age.   

   

     

 
April 19, 2006, 7:27 am CDT

what should i do?

I'm 21 years old and I have been in 3, what I call, serious relationships-all of which have had some kind of abuse in them.  The first guy I dated pushed me down stairs, slapped me, threw beer bottles at me, used every kind of emotional/verbal abuse/black mail possible and so much more.  The next guy never hit me, but in this one the emotional/verbal abuse/black mail was enough to do more than physical abuse.  The guy I'm with now has hit me, pushed me, lied to me, broke up with me for his ex girlfriend more than once, had his family lie to me, calls me names all the time, gets mad at me when were by ourselves-but is charming as can be when others are around.  There are times when I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend.  I spend all my time with him and make all my decisions based on him and what he wants to do.  I know in my heart things shouldn't be like this, but this is where the classic line comes into place-I love him.  All I want is to be happy and I think now I am at the point where me being with guys like this is part of a "normal" life.  The show doesn't come on in my area until this afternoon, but I can already see I'm going to be able to relate to it perfectly.  PLEASE guide me in the right direction and give me advice that will help me make the right choice.  

 
April 19, 2006, 7:40 am CDT

FINISH MESSAGE

 HAD SENT A MESSAGE EARLIER, BUT MESSAGE BOARD KEEPS MOVING AROUND WHEN I TYPE.  

IN MY RELATIONSHIP, IT DID NOT MATTER WHAT I DID RIGHT OR WRONG IN HIS EYES, NOTHING WAS RIGHT.  I HAD 2 CHILDREN AT THE TIME FROM PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIP WHICH AT ONE TIME, HE SAT THEM DOWN AND PROCEEDED TO THROW ME AGAINST THE WALL AND HIT ME IN THE FACE.  HE TOLD MY BOYS THAT THIS IS HOW WOMEN SHOULD BE TREATED, THIS IS SOMETHING THAT THEY DO NOT FORGET. THANK GOD FOR MY MOM, SHE MOVED ME TO THE STATE WHERE MY FAMILY LIVES, I LIVE IN A DIFFERENT STATE WHERE I DID NOT HAVE FAMILY SUPPORT.  MY MOTHER WAS AFRAID FOR MY AND MY KIDS LIVES. I HAD A CHILD WITH THIS MAN WHO SINCE HE MOVED DO NOT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIM, HE HAS NO CLUE AS TO WHAT HE HAS MISSED OUT ON.   

I WAS VERY FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO HAVE MET A MAN WHO TREATS ME WITH SO MUCH LOVE AND RESPECT, THE WAY WOMEN SHOULD BE TREATED. HE ALSO TEREATS MY SON JUST LIKE HIS OWN, WE ARE SO BLESSED TO HAVE HIM IN OUR LIVES, AND HE HAS REALLY TAUGHT US WHAT LOVE REALLY MEANS.  PLEASE TELL THESE BEATIFUL YOU NG GIRLS THAT THERE IS SO MUCH MORE HAPPINESS IN LIFE AND JUST BE PATIENT, ENJOY LIFE AND THEY WILL FIND THEIR ONE TRUE LOVE.  THEY ARE DEFINITELLY IN MY PRAYERS,.  I WAS IN THE RELATIONSHIP THAT WAS BOTH ABUSIVE PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY.  HE HAD BEAT DOWN MY SELF ESTEEM SO MUCH THAT I FELT FOR SOME REASON THAT I DESERVED THE WAY HE TREATED ME.. NO ONE EVER DESERVES TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT.  I NOW HAVE TO TAKE MEDICINES EVERYDAY BECAUSE I HAVE HEADACHES AND NECK PAIN THAT NEVER GOES AWAY. THE PAIN THE DOCTORS SAY IS FROM THE ABUSE I RECEIVED FOR ALMOST 6 YEARS.  AND THEY BELIEVE I WILL HAVE IT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.  THE PHYSICAL ABUSE WAS ALWAYS TO MY HEAD AND NECK.  I THOUGHT IF I MARRIED HIM THAT I COULD LOVE HIM ENOUGH TO MAKE HIM CHANGE, BUT NOTHING WILL MAKE THEM CHANGE UNLESS THEY WANT TO CHANGE, IT ONLY GOT WORSE AFTER THE MARRIAGE.  PLEASE THINK ABOUT YOUR FUTURE, DO YOU REALLY WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES, THIS IS NOT CALLED LIVING OR BEING LOVED.  PLEASE LISTEN TO YOUR PARENTS, THEY ONLY WANT WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU AND TO TRULY FIND SOMEONE WHO LOVES AND RESPECTS YOU. AGAIN, LIKE I SAID, THANK GOD FOR MY MOM,  NOW SHE WATCHES ME FROM ABOVE, AND TOLD ME BEFORE SHE PASSED, THAT THE MAN I AM WITH NOW AND HAVE BEEN FOR 10 YEARS, WAS THE RIGHT MAN, AND SHE WOULD NOT BE LEAVING ME IF SHE SHOULD DID NOT KNOW FOR SURE THAT THIS MAN WOULD TREAT ME THE WAY I DESERVED TO BE TREATED.  THESE GIRLS WILL ALWAYS BE IN MY PRAYERS, AND OTHERS LIKE THEM.  THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME SHARE MY STORY 

 
April 19, 2006, 7:42 am CDT

Dear Jack

Quote From: jackinsc

Our daughter is now 20 and we are still trying to figure out where we went wrong.

   

  

From the time she turned 17 is when the problems started.  We have tried everything and I mean everything tough love, restriction, rewards, trying to get her involved in different hobbies, counseling, doing things as a family and church. I truly believe most of the problem was peer pressure and wanting to be part of a group. So and so does it, so why can't I? Sound familiar?

   

  

 As a parent we have always been up front with Katie, telling her she can come to us about anything and if we cannot answer her question then we would find someone that could. It didn't matter if it was drugs, sex anything. Of course it is hard for young people to come to their parents with these questions so they turn to their peers. You have to become their friend as well as their parent. One thing these young people do not want to hear is "when I was your age" and I am sure we can all relate to that.

   

  

We have never given up even with the latest issue of the abuse. Now that she has been away from this guy form some time she is seeing more and more of his bad side. Counseling is starting to make her see things in a different light but it is still early days. Katie is now working towards getting her High School diploma, a job and make a better life for herself and her son. She like so many other young people has so much to be thankful for.

   

  

Although it has been a long hard road, there is some light at the end of the tunnel.

   

  

Thank you Dr. Phil and staff,

   

  

Jack

   

  

 

   

  

   

I am so glad that your family stepped forward to help shed light on this subject.  I am cheering for Katie.  There are so many nice men that will treat her with dignity and love.  I am also cheering for you and your family.
 
April 19, 2006, 7:48 am CDT

Stupid People!

Here is a little advice to those who enjoy abusing their mates... No good can possibly come from abuse. While you are doing this, it may be wise to consider that it wouldn't take much for someone else to come along and replace you.   

   

 
April 19, 2006, 7:53 am CDT

04/19 Teen Dating and Abuse

I am 24 years old and the exact same thing happened to me at her age. He is the same as the boy I dated all through high school. He through me up against the lockers at school and was expelled are senior year, but that didn't stop me from getting back with me. The best thing you as a mother can do is be her mom not her friend. I despised my mother until he almost killed me one night and she was the one by my side at court. I never fully appreciated what my parents had done for me until I had a daughter of my own. Hang in there, stay strong with her and there is a light at the end! God bless you for caring and being involved in your daughters life.  

  

  

 
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