Topic : 07/06 Baby Wars

I think that you are right. I got pregnant when i was 16 and we ended up married happily but I didnt get pregnant to accomplish that. Lumping all women into a lairs and trappers catagory is unfair. Just as lumping all fathers into dead  beats would be unfair. There are evils on either side but the good should be heard and given credit too. too.  

Off subject a little, How do you feel about the money going into a trust fund? Did you agree to that with the father? I ask because My husband has a daughter that we pay $340 a month child support for and her mother is about 15 years older than my husband, has only the one child and makes alot of money  and my step daughter has clothes that are to small, Walmart shoes and is just not receiving the care we think she should considering the money we pay. The mother goes on trips and bought a new car and other things that we dont agree with. we were thinking about trying to get the money put into a trust fund instead ofsending it to the mother so that my daughter at least has money for a vehicle or college or just to start her adultlife with instead of her mother just spending it.  

I agree with child support and i dont problem with supporting our daughter but i want to insure it going to the right cause. 

Having a baby out of wedlock was looked down upon.  Somehow today we accept it as a given right.  I am to a point where I am thinking the old days were better in some respects.  I don't think unmarried people should have the same benefits given if you are in a marriage and the dad bails.  You aren't making a real commitment to begin with.  I truly believe we'd see a huge decline in welfare receipients because I know alot of women who have had more babies to get more money.  I realized that not all of us are that way...but there are a small percentage using up a large percent of the help available.  I just think if we got back to morals and ethics and didn't make it so easy to have a baby out of marriage and get money we'd find some more well planned children.  Some people will never learn...they just don't get the real world but I know I'd have given alot more thought to my choices (for the record my son's dad pays $100 a month and I've forgiven 1000's of dollars because I didn't always think what he had to pay was fair in his situation).  We need licenses to drive cars, take tests to graduate but something as important as a child is just an accident and a check written by an unwilling father.  It doesnt work for me.... 

    I feel sorry for the man who doesn't want to be a father,,and for the child and the girl,,,he is hurting  so cruelly...But  I feel sorriest of all,  for his Mom,,who probably would love to grab and hug,  and cuddle that gorgeous grandchild...   Perhaps if she would make the support payments,  

that might conclude the problem for now,,,and she would have access to the baby.  

I do think men should have more rights,,and that many women whose timeclock is ticking,,,go ahead  and get pregnant   without the man's agreement.   Some do it to become independent,  

get welfare funds,,and be able to live away from their  mothers.   I saw alot of that when I was working  in Assistance programs for a County Agency.          givergirl  

Please let us know where you get your information that the "majority of women who get pregnant "accidentally" do so to trap the men for 1 of 2 reasons:  1) a steady income for 18 years; 2) to get the man to possibly marry her or at least be under her control for 18 years." 

I'd like to read the sources that have investigated actual numbers of women who got pregnant "accidentally" with the intention of trapping men.  

We all know of people who have done really rotten things. But taking individual cases and generalizing those events to slam an entire gender is not helpful. It certainly is not presumptively accurate to say that because Female X does something, then that must mean that all females behave that way. 

There are some men who just use all the women that they can possibly get for their own sexual satisfaction, and then discard each and everyone of those women once the thrill of the chase is over. That does not mean that all men are like that.  

I also have a son who is 18. I tell him to rely 100% on himself for protection against STDs and pregnancy. I tell him this so that he will protect his future. I don't think that I would be helping my son's growth and development if I were to infuse him with the belief of "what liars women are." 

Why would I want to jeopardize my son's opportunities for truly meaningful relationships with women, and ultimately with a wife, by poisoning his mind that way?  

I tell my son that he's awesome looking, a "great catch" and that I couldn't blame any girl for dreaming of white picket fences when she looks at him. But that doesn't necessarily mean that a girl is deliberately out to trap him with the intentions that you have described.  

My son needs to protect themselves from pregnancy and STDs because that is his personal responsibility. It is, and has been, our job as parents to fully convey to him that sexual intercourse comes with tremendous responsibility because of the possibility of creating life. We have conveyed to our son, and daughters, that the responsibility for creating a life means that caring for that life matters more than your own needs or wants. 

We have also worked hard to convey to our son that the act alone of engaging in sexual intercourse means that, at some level, he will have been emotionally intimate with his partner. We wanted him to understand that the emotional intimacy that his partner feels towards him could mean something entirely different to her than it does to him. Bottom line: His father and I will not sanction casual sexual encounters.  

My husband and I have a total of 5 children.  They are all his biological daughters and only the youngest is my biological daughter.  My husbands first wife passed at a young age and had to leave behind the oldest three girls. They were 5, 4 and 1 at that time.  We were married a few years later.  After about 2 years of marriage, my husband started to have some very serious problems with depression and began thinking and acting in very bizarre and unreasonable ways.  He needed help and treatment and wasn't getting it.  I was unable to help him when he wasn't ready to be helped.  We separated at that time for about a year.  A woman in our community who had "her eyes" on him, starting chasing him around and telling him everything he needed to hear (she did these things specifically to gain financial resources and a place for her and her kids to live, by her own admission) and the TWO of them became pregnant.  My husband was told by her that she was using birth control and he made it clear he wanted no children with her.  She already had three kids with two other men. At that time they had only known each other for about 3 months.  The whole time that they were together, he and I were attempting reconciliation and she refused to give him (and our home) up and leave.  She drank and smoked during the entire pregnancy even as my husband begged her not to.  From the beginning, she did not want another child, she viewed this child as an insurance plan for economic gain.  She came out and flat told him that if he didn't divorce me (which he never did) and marry her, she would take him for everything he had.  To this date, over 6 years later, she pretty much has and there is nothing we can do about it.  She neglected and abused the oldest three girls and the baby, and did a whole lot more than I have space to list, all to try to hurt him.  I am sharing my story to point out that a man should have the same rights as a woman in the situation of pregnancy.  Every race and sex in this country has equal rights, why not this one too.  I am sure there should be guidelines.  This pregnancy that I write of proves that.  My husband and I are raising their child and now we have one together (that makes 5).  While we try to make the best of things, these are the choices we are faced with:  1)  Raise a child that has Fetal Alcohol Exposure and extreme behavioral problems due to neglect and lack of bonding with her biological mother (due to her treatment of this poor child).  She has physical and emotional problems I'm not sure will ever get better, or 2)  Let the biological mother raise this child and pay immense amounts of child support while she continues to neglect her (she has more kids now with more fathers).  The situation extends far past the two who created this child.  What about the three daughters my husband had before she came along???  They now have a half-sister who has a nutsy biological mother in their lives too.  Our biological child is constantly abused by this child because of the "problems" the situation caused by this mother who never wanted this child, but only wanted a paycheck.  I said 6 years ago, men should have a choice and to this day, I agree.  A long time ago, in a different situation in my life I gave up being a mother because that potential father was not ready.  I knew I couldn't be a single mother and wouldn't force anyone to be a father who didn't want to be.  We all have choices and everyone needs to be able to exercise them in this country of ours.  Isn't that the way that we all want to live our lives?  We want those freedoms, but yet on this issue, we want to change the rules.  Why would anyone want to force someone to be a parent.  This is not the best thing for anyone.  When someone is forced to do anything, there is resentment, hurt, anger and there are people affected who didn't ask for it.  We are now married 10 years and make the best of things, but I really think most marriages would have fallen apart and all 5 kids would have suffered pretty severely.  If there had been a choice, I believe things would have been better for many.  

Firstly let me start by saying kjhamilton there were medical reasons why I was no longer taking the oral contraceptive pill, which my husband was FULLY aware of.  Why do I subject myself to this type of person  - Because I married him for better or for worse.  I take those vows very seriously.   

dustmop - it wasnt just him who said "we'll talk about it later" it was a mutal converstation in which we both agreed.  I didnt CHOOSE to get pregnant, if you know anything about the reproductive system it takes two, its not something I did on my own.  He was asked to wear a condom or face the consequences.  I am not angry with him, I'm hurt for this child.  And why would I expect him to be different - BECAUSE HE SHOULD BE. 

As for emily_2003, shippest03, tydtyd, gloriaas, nanpaumel, lorieann THANKYOU for your support and well wishes,  its so nice to know that there are people out there who care.  A couple of you asked about my family.  No one except my husband and I know that I am pregnant because we know the reaction we will get.  Last year when we were thinking about another child all we were met with was " You have a boy and a girl, why would you want another one?"  We have chosen to not tell them until I am around 30 weeks, Fortunantly I dont seem to show until around then.  I dont know why as I am only 55kgs and 165cm tall.  Fortunantly my husband is starting to come around to the idea.  He is currently trying to get time off work so he can come to the ultrasound next week.  He is realising that it wasnt something I did on my own - he had a big part in it.  He also told me that he thinks that "were" having a girl.  I guess I will just have to wait until December.  Thankyo uonce again for your support,  Keep in touch.