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Topic : 07/06 Baby Wars

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Created on : Thursday, April 13, 2006, 01:22:17 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 04/21/06) Being a parent is hard enough, but what happens when Mom and Dad can't agree on how many kids to have, how to raise 'em and how to get ‘em to sleep?  Sometimes, it can lead to an all-out baby war! Matt's baby battle ended up in front of a judge and made headlines. He was ordered to pay child support for the baby he had with his ex-girlfriend, but he says he shouldn't have to cough up the money because she told him she wasn't able to get pregnant, and he told her he didn't want to be a father. He, his attorney, and the director of the National Center for Men discuss the lawsuit they filed, known as “Roe v. Wade for Men,” arguing that men should have a constitutional right to avoid fatherhood. Next, Dan says even though he and his wife, Lisa, already have four children, he wants just one more. Lisa has been pregnant on and off for 11 years and says she's closed for baby business. Will Dr. Phil help Dan see Lisa's point that four is enough? Then, a frustrated husband is camping out on the roof of his house and living in a tent. He refuses to go back to his bedroom until his wife moves their kids out of their bed and starts paying more attention to him. Can Dr. Phil get him to come down the ladder? Plus, a sleep expert has a simple method for getting your child to sleep through the night. See the plan in action! Share advice and talk about the show here.

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April 21, 2006, 9:39 am PDT

YOU ARE SO RIGHT!

Quote From: bwisdom

Why do women get all of the chocies? Yes we ALL know what causes pregnacy and we all know how to prevent it. But WHY IN THE WORLD DO WOMEN GET ALL THE CHOCIES? Yeah, I know... It's your body. Well it's his life also. And no it's not the baby's fault, it's the man and woman's fault. Yet the woman has a choice to have or not have the baby. (Either way the child will be effected. By not having a father or having one who dosen't want him/her.) What if we start thinking about the tables being turned? What if the man wants the baby but the woman wants to have an abortion? What then? If women have choices, men should have choices. We as women want to be equals. We have faught for so long, and are still fighting, for our rights to be considered equals. Yet, we want to have the rules one way when it's in our favor and the other way when it's not??!! We can't have it both ways. We either consider the child a child and treat this child as if it were out of the womb OR we decide it's a choice and it's not a child until post-womb. We can't have both. We can't be selfish just because it's our bodies, just because we're the womb. Either it's a choice or it's not! After that is decided, then if it's a choice the man should have his choice, if it's not a choice and it's a child, then a father he should be able to refuse or use his parential rights! Brandy W, KS

I could not have said it better myself.  We as women have fought long and hard for our reproductive rights.  I don't agree that women should be able to hold all the cards and make all the decisions where bringing an unplanned and often unwelcomed baby into this world.  I feel that if a "sperm donor" does not want to become a father and the woman decides to keep the baby, the "sperm donor" should be able to sign away his rights and not be obligated to pay child support.  Let the woman raise the baby on her own.  No man should be forced into paying for a child he doesn't want.   In the end the child will ultimately pay the price.  

 

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April 21, 2006, 9:39 am PDT

Equality

Quote From: armondolo

You said that "she should have been a little more selective or carefull." Actually, the man should have been a little more selective or careful. Why is it that it is okay for a man to have sex with whom every he wants and then he is able to brush his hands clean of everything? I dont understand. If he did not want a child...he should not have sex. Honestly I think only mature individuals that understand the consequences should engage in sex. Obviously he is not mature....like a lot of men who dont want to take responsibility....also I think he is very selfish....only looking out for himself.
 Why is it ok for a woman to have sex with whomever she wants and then brush her hands clean (abortion, adoption, safe-haven abandonment laws) of everything?

The shoe fits on both feet.
 
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April 21, 2006, 9:39 am PDT

04/21 Baby Wars

Quote From: jai149

I have just recently just found out that I am pregnant with my third child.  My husband and I had discussed the possibility of a third but had said we'd talk about it "later".  My husband knew that I wasnt on any form of contraception, but was happy for us to have sex whenever he wanted to.  Now that I am pregnant he is saying that it is my fault and that this baby is going to be my responability in full.  Not to ask him to do a thing.  Since we had our two gorgeous kids his life hasnt changed a bit.  I do all the nappy changing, feeding, bathing - the list is endless.  He hasnt even gotten up once during the night and our kids are 3 and 2.  He still gets to go out with his friends, socialises and I am always left at home.  I dont mind this, but is it too much to ask for the occasionally hand.  I have an ultrasound next week and he wont even come to it with me.  it really hurts me that he is rejecting this child.  i have told him to get used to the idea or he knows where the door is.  I love my husband very much, but to me his behavior is a deal breaker.  Am I right in my thinking?  What I should I be doing to make this work out for the best?  And to make it easier for my other two children - My 3 year old is already picking up on what his father is saying and keeps telling me he doesnt want  a baby.  I just know what to do. 

hey, i don't know who you are, but just hang in there. I am a single mom, and it's so hard for me to take the responsiblity all by myself- so in that part i understand how hard it is. And it's not your fault in any way, and the responsibilities of this child should be between the both of you!! He should help you out atleast with the other kids- you are pregnant and really shouldn't be doing too much you know? You got married, "until death to us part" he should be supporting you and helping you out! i have no idea why he wouldn't want to be a part of this baby's life- you don't want your kids to treat women the way he does do you? your kids will pick up everything he does and says- he should be a better role model for them.  

 
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April 21, 2006, 9:40 am PDT

04/21 Baby Wars

Quote From: brainz1980

It is a natural human instinct to want, need and require sex!  What are you to say to them? I bet you would call them sick and say they need help.  Why do we have sex at all? Its called INSTINCT! Get over it!   Humans like sex for pleasure. Men and women don't have sex for the fun of making a child. That would never get you off. Its about pleasure! Yes, morals are missing more and more in amaerica and that will continue. Majority of morals came from Church. Church and State are seperate and we can even say the pledge of allegiance.  But there is a fine line between a couple in love having a child by accident and 2 people having sex for pleasure that one doesn't want a child and the other wanted one all along and didnt care who the father was.
Can you honestly defend him not using a condom. No its not full proof but at least he made an effort. He did not she got pregant. regarless of weather she lied or got pregant on purpose. Where is his responiblity in this. If you want to have sex be safe about it. There is more out there then having babys. There is aids and STD's. If you are having sex outside a loving long term relationship. And merely having sex for pleasure with different people with out a condom concider your self lucky if all you got was some pregant and not losing your life. Thats where my problem comes in. He could have protected his self just as well as she. You are responble for your life your body your mind. When you hand that off to some one else you are taking a big leap of faith. If something goes wrong regardless of what it is and you did nothing. Then have no one to blame but your self.
 
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April 21, 2006, 9:40 am PDT

Just my simple opinion

Quote From: kimike

The only thing I have to say on this is when 2 ppl get together they know the risks involved and should a woman become pregnant and choose not to keep the child then she should've been more responsible. I don't agree with abortion unless it's rape related or family related.  

 As I said in many of my replies to avoid these situations just choose 1 partner for life.........God didn't want us to sleep with many different ppl he wants marriage and children.......thats the way it should be PERIOD  

I agree that God intends for us to have one partner only, and I know that IS the perfect way. Now about aborting children, how can we say it's okay if it was rape or incest? A completely innocent baby should be killed because a man did a horrible thing? In this case two wrongs make a right? What about a woman who finds her husband is molesting her daughter, should she kill the daughter? After all it is his genetics, the girl may be tainted in some way. Or maybe the little girl is innocent of her father's crimes, and so is an unborn baby. But any girl or woman who has been raped should get counseling to help her see the baby as completely innocent. Or we should all start to kill our children when we see their father has done something aweful.
 
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April 21, 2006, 9:40 am PDT

04/21 Baby Wars

Quote From: tabisco

 I feel Matt has a right to fight this matter in court, by the sounds of it he was lied to by this girl, I think she trapped him.  Yes he could have used a condom, but he trusted her on her word.  He should not be punished because of her irresponsible behavior and lies.  Yes there is a child involved but if he is opposed to being in her life I think she would be better off if he wasn't.
Why is it we want to assume he was lied to by the girl. What if she was telling the truth as related by the doctor who told her and he/she (the doctor) was wrong as sometimes they are. Then maybe Matt and the girl should sue the doctor for child support. But I don't see that case making it very far in court either. Maybe they could sue the birth control pill maker for child support but the court will probably tell them you knew that birth control pills are not 100% effective so you must take responsibility for your actions. HEY WHAT A NOVEL IDEA TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT ONE.
 
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April 21, 2006, 9:42 am PDT

i agree

Quote From: kimike

Hi there to answer your question for me would be the same as many others.......If they chose to have intercourse and he poked holes in the condom then she should be willing to accept the pregnancy. The reason I say this is because I firmly belive in having just 1 partner as God wanted us to have (your soul mate) and if they get pregnant then accept it. The only way I agree with abortion is if its rape or family rape.........Other then that if God chose that this is it you're having a child then be ready for the conseqence of having intercourse in the 1st place.....

I agree. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to carry a child of rape or incest. 

You know, morals are in place for us human being for a reason. You think God said wait until your married just because he had some kind of sick twisted humor? 

I think not! He said wait until you find someone you love and trust to share yourself with. Look at the mess you could have avoided Matt if would have though about morals. 

I speak from experience too. I'm not perfect, but I try to use my common sense regularly. 

 

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April 21, 2006, 9:42 am PDT

04/21 Baby Wars

Quote From: scriptr

It seems to me that Matt opened his mouth and lost his case.  Matt said to Dr. Phil that a condom also isn't always reliable.  True.  Since he knew when he had sex with his girlfriend that a condom wasn't 100% effective and he absolutely did not want to be a father at that time, perhaps he shouldn't have had sex with his girlfriend.  Her claim that she was on birth control and also could not get pregnant has little relevance if you believe him when he says that he was clear about not wanting to have a child.  They both assumed the risk of pregnancy when they had consentual sex.
 They both assumed the risk, but only SHE has options (abortion, adoption, safe-haven drop off laws) to mitigate that risk.  He has no options, only responsibilities.  Fair?.
 
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April 21, 2006, 9:43 am PDT

People need to think

If you can't suffer the consequences, then don't take the actions that lead to consequences.  It amazes me the lax thinking on the importance of having a child.  I agree that Matt made statements that clearly defined his position, however, if it ends up in pregnancy anyway, then he is responsible regardless of how unprepared he is.  That's just life.  Matt needs to learn that not everything in life is fair.  Is it fair that women have periods every month for 40 + years (along with the cramps and headaches etc).  That wasn't our choice.  Is it fair that women have to carry the child by herself for 9 months and experience the physical pain?  Not that the end result isn't worth it.  We have become a spoiled society, and Matt needs to learn that not everything is going to go his way.  Believe me, when you are a single woman facing pregnancy, none of the choices are easy.  I would not get involved with a guy who didn't take responsibility for a child, wanted or not. It says a lot about that guy as a whole and it's not the type of person I would want to be involved with.  I could not trust him.
 
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April 21, 2006, 9:46 am PDT

Thank you!

Quote From: trashley

Better stop the dumb bus. It looks like one of the passengers has escaped.   

   

Sir. I am fairly certain that most people on this message board believe that there is a burden on both mom and dad once a child is conceived (with the exception of dead beat dads). People who enter into parenthood obviously have shared, as well as unique, responsibilties to deal with.  

   

However, you just seem totally angry and irrational in your posts and to be so completely thick as to think that your argument derailed because you failed to add the several months of nursing onto the woman's responsibility time chart...  

   

Your argument derailed because it isn't even rational. Equality is something that is achieved on professional, intellectual, academic levels. This is not even about equality.  

   

There are places and situations that call not for equality, but for fairness, and this topic is a great example. There cannot be equality here, because the very nature of reproduction is not equal. Nature has determined that without the female womb (or a closely simulated environment, in rare circumstances), there is no new life in the animal kingdom.   

   

A man cannot ever understand the physical aspect of going through a pregnancy. You cannot even comment on this, because you have no knowledge or experience. You have never been pregnant and you never will be pregnant. So for you to spout about the equality of a man's and women's responsibilities is meaningless because it is based on nothing other than your opinion. A woman can base it on her experiences. And there is nothing that a man has experienced as a parent, that a woman hasn't also experienced, unless it be an emotional experience (daddy-daughter bonding, father-son bonding). I know many single moms that went back to work after having a child to "bring home the bacon" and provide for their child's needs - without the assistance of any man, or the government.  

   

The bottom line is that there are people in both gender pools who will take advantage and play the victim in this situation. Fairness is what we should all seek. Ultimately, the only behavior that you are responsible for is your own.  

   

So in closing, keep in mind that our bodies are not equal - the same reason that women and men play in different athletic competitions.   

   

My suggestion to  you if you want equal reproductive rights to women: Get a womb implant.   

I was rather dumb-founded when I read his reply to me. How considerate of him to look out for my poor under appreciated husband! I do have the world's greatest husband, but the truth is, while I was home up all night nursing a colicky baby, my hubby was traveling the country being wined and dined by clients! I have NO complaints about my marriage, and yet this guy is so angry he wants to assume some disharmony to further his insane arguments.  

  

You really hit the nail on the head here. There can be no true equality because the whole deal is inherently  unequal. Anyone who has a huge problem with that needs to take it up with our CREATOR.  

  

Yes, women have more post-conception choices.....but none of them are GOOD choices. It's not like deciding on a flavor of ice cream. She can deal with the physical and emotional trauma of an abortion, she can carry a child for 9+months and then give it up, or she can be a single mother (most likely in some degree of poverty). Lucky girls!!!  

  

I am not defending the idea of intentionally getting pregnant against a partner's wishes, but these guys are just spinning an argument to rationalize irresponsibility. They are trying to find legal and moral justification for sex without consequences. He will lose this battle and rightly so. 

 
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