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Topic : Your Family Legacy

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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:48:14 pm

Author : dataimport

Your parents have shaped who you are. The challenge is to identify what values, beliefs, characteristics, traits and behaviors have been passed on to you as a function of your experiences with your parents. What is your family legacy?

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sparkywita

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September 13, 2006, 3:31 pm PDT

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Quote From: ccmanuel6

Hello all, I just thought this was quite the place to start writing. Why? I guess it really hit home with me and made me realize my own legacy. I grew up in a large family of 5 brothers and 4 sisters. My legacy of course begins with my mother who was raised by her grandmother. She is very caring but doesn't always show it. My mother was and still is a determined, strong woman. She always provided for her family. She worked as long as I can remember. She was determined to get her driver's license in her early forties and got it. She worked as a Community Health Representative for over 30 years and spent a great deal of her time away at workshops. Believe me she has been a great role model in regards to determination, strength and independance. All my sisters are the same and so can you imagine? So am I. I have two daughters of my own, and one step daughter.

I think what I am worried about is all that was provided for me, I am providing the same for my children.

I have either worked or attended school and finally achieved a Bachelor of Education, and this has been since my children were in pre-school. This is my first year to stay at home to be a mom and wife. My daughters are now 18 and 16 and I see the results of the legacy. Ouch, my daughter whom is 16 is a reflection I see of me when I was her age. She is struggling big time finding her place. I can remember doing that. I never had a relationship with my mom until about 8 years ago. I vowed that it would not be the same with my own daughters, however, what I learned from my mom even though I never knew I was learning these things from her, I am doing the same things to my own daughters. I want to keep the determination, strength, and independance, but I want to give my daughters more. I am working on communicating with them but find it difficult to deal with confrontations, and end up making like nothing happened and sweep it under the carpet; Now my youngest daughter does the same and we don't know what we can do to make changes to it. Can you give me some adivice? What is the next step? We acknowledged it but now how do we make the changes? HELP!

Hi there

I empathise with your problem and you are a very strong woman to want to give your daughters more than what you received from you own parents. I know that confrontations are difficult and they need to be addressed with the greatest of respect for your daughters feelings and her privacy. I feel that the only way to confront your daughter is to tell her how you are feeling ie if you are worried about her behaviour or worried that she may be drinking etc (just an example)... tell her exactly how you feel in a calm reassuring way ie. sweetheart I need you to know that i feel worried about you at the moment and am wondering if you wouldn't mind putting my mind at rest about a few things....and wait for her to say ok or I don't want to talk about it or whatever she says. And accept exactly what she says without probing her or forcing her to explain herself etc. Trust me if you leave her alone she will feel safe in coming to you with her concerns than if you confront her guns blazing and force her to speak when she is not ready. I would love to know how it goes and if you think what I have said is helpful.

God bless xx

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sparkywita

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September 13, 2006, 3:56 pm PDT

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Quote From: unclemike

hello i am desperately seeking advice. I am the oldest male of two children - my sister and i have always been at odds and she has dictated the direction of my family ever since she got pregnant in high school.She has always been a screamer and bi-polar - she has carried that thru 3 fatherless children (intentionally and selfishly) for the last 20 years - putting 99.9 percent of the responsibility and duty onto the shoulders of my very giving and tired parents. Her first two boys dont know their fathers and have taken on her angry manic ways in dealing with my parents and any family authority. I have always been the fun loving "uncle" video game buddy visiting from college and out of state up until the last few years. Already surviving the first teenage boy rebelling against me as the only male authority and man he could shout"YOUR NOT MY FATHER I DONT HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOU" to with angst and resentment when reminded of a wrong doing or rude behavior....there is now the 14 year old who has so much anger and withdrawn behavior to the entire family. Resentful and combative. Especially to his always giving grandparents. I try to stay out of it but my sister uses this family and my aging parents to the point of exhaustion. She is bi polar and allows the boys to run wild - most of the time passing the teenagers off on any school friends parents that will take them (weeks at a time sleepovers) as she primps and spoils her latest fatherless baby girl. This boy has changed more than just puberty. his anger and withdrawal from the family (enabled by his selfish mother) has turned him into a loveless and hollow shell of a great little boy i just recently knew. He is out all nite even on school nites and lives in the biggest trash bin of a garbage filled to the ceiling condo when he is home. The toll it is taking on this family is devastating and to make it worse - my sister fights all attempts to try and bring about positive change. I assume out of the estrangement of her own illness. I am asking??? How do i deal with this little monster of a teenage boy who actually has his very unstable mother siding with him and openly fighting against any disciplinary correction while in our home. It wouldnt be so bad if she didnt dump it all in our laps. Its double jeopardy because she sticks the family with her kids yet does not support the authority that we should have. I have been staying with my family since i returned home both to save money and help out- full knowing the situation. I am pretty much the head of the household
as my father is ill and my mother is simply under thumb. My manic sister and her angry family show up nearly every nite torturing this family and setting this home on its side. My father allows it and tolerates it as he has always enabled her wicked ways yet it is taking its toll...they have changed this entire family into nothing but a painful existence. How does an uncle put in the awkward place of trying to maintain discipline in a family where it is usurped by a woman and her wild children that have no love or respect for the only people in their lives that love them enough to care? They are all destroying this family and the boys are getting worse every day...no respect for themselves or others...no love and no desire for the nurturing my parents willingly offer -every time i try to bring about a little peace or at least rational debate it gets so ugly and stressful on all. They know they have the upper hand as their mother has showed them the way to achieve anything thru screaming and thoughtless behavior. Help i have no experience and i am loosing my family.

HI there

I have just read your message and you are in a bit of a pickle there to say the least - just want to acknowlede that you sound like a really caring man so more power to you.

Heres a few questions to ask your sister.

What do you want for your children?

How do you see your children's lives progressing?

Do you feel your children are happy and nurtured?

Do you know what your children want to be when the grow up?

Do you feel your children are equipped to go into the world?

Do you feel your children are secure?

How do you rate yourself as a mother and mentor to your children

That's just a few and maybe you could add a few more if you can think of anything. It is important to get your SISTER thinking about her children and see how she responds and even if she gives some smart assed answers or tries to turn it around to put the spot light on YOU - DON'T say anything don't rile her or try to change her mind - just LEAVE those questions with her because trust me - they will stay with her - and let her think about them when you are making efforts to give your nephews feed back on their behaviour.

In relation to your nephew saying YOU ARE NOT MY FATHER AND I DONT' HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOU!!! hate to say it but he is right!!! ALWAYS acknowledge this to him - say to him "John (just using that name as don't know his name) YOU ARE RIGHT (important to say this and not I KNOW IM NOT YOUR FATHER) I am NOT your father but would you consider regarding me as a friend who is interested in your life and gives a damn about teaching you about how you are coming across to people! ALWAYS give him space to make up his mind and don't try to get him to answer you straight away. Say to him - John I am here when you want to talk. ALWAYS acknowledge his feelings and his situation and spell it out to him.!! Spell out his good points and his great characteristics too ie say to him John you are a smart good looking young man you have a sharp mind and a good brain ! (say this even if you don't believe it yourself - but just say it anyway) ask him is this the way he wants to be and if not what does he want and you will be there to help him get it.

I would love to know what you think of this advice and hopefully it will be of some help toyou.

God bless

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worriedmom3018

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October 24, 2006, 10:11 am PDT

scared to death

I raised 2 children. A boy and a Girl. When my children were 4 & 5 I got clean and sober. I had so many demons of my own to work through. Issue after issue. I can see now how many mistakes I have made. At this time my daugter is in college. She is so very angry. She keeps having emotional breakdowns. I know medication has been has been suggested to her. She feels medication is never an option. At this point she has so many emotional outburst and constantly says she cannot handle life any more. She has been in counseling for over a year. Unfortunatly I am not sure the counselor is aware of her behavior. The one time my daughter allowed me to be part of a session , my daughter stayed cool. I just spent the last hour and half on the phone with my daughter screaming, yelling, saying she hates me and everyone. I try to get her to use some breathing techniques to calm herself down. She refuses. She wants to feel her feelings. I understand that but this type of behavior is so out of control it is more like an emotional blackout than feeling her feelings and processing them. Nothing I suggest is she interested in. I am at the point I just react in anyway possible so that I know she is safe for another day. I am sure this is wrong but I have no idea what to do. I know I made many mistakes when she was growing up, but I did my best, worked really hard to give my kids the best opportunities I could afford. The worst I did was not have the time each day to give them the love and support they needed. I worked 80 hours a week to keep a roof over our heads, clothes, food etc. We never had a lot but we did have what we needed. It was appartenlty to much of a cost for my daugher.

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mykids38

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February 5, 2007, 3:09 am PST

Divorce after 20 years due to child abuse

Heres my life in brief. My mother divorced my alcoholic father when I was less than a year. She married an abusive pychopath shortly after and the next 17 years were pure hell in our house. I quickly married nearly the same type of man for some ungodly reason and spent 20 years of my life being dominated, abused, accused of adultery at every step, made to feel stupid, useless, and inadequate as a mother and wife every day. Heres the irony, while my perfect husband was doing all of this to me he was also sexually molesting our two daughters from an early age. I found out 5 months ago. We are divorced now and he has no contact with us but we are left with a devastated family and 3 boys who are unsure how to treat their sisters. It seems like we spend alot of time not talking about it even though its right there in the room like a white elephant. I feel completely tongue tied about this. It makes me sick to know what he did to them and what they have suffered breaks my heart but whenever I broach the subject they just clam up and wont say a word. We dont talk anymore. The house is livelier and more relaxed since the divorce. we have fun and seem to be happier then I can remember in such a long time but it all seems so surface like. There was a monster living with us and nobody wants to talk about it. What can I do to get my daughters to open up? They are 19 and 13. I want them to talk about whatever they are feeling but at the same time I dont want to know any details...u know what I mean? I try not to think about it at all but its impossible. I know Im making a huge mistake with showing them how to deal with this but I dont know how to deal with it myself. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. thanx

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bkauto

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February 10, 2007, 6:53 pm PST

Your Family Legacy

Quote From: sparkywita

Hi there

About eight years ago I met a man and had a brief affair with him - I was married to my ex husband at the time (something I'm not proud of) but the marraige was over anyway. I became pregnant by the man I had an affair with and had my son. I told my ex husband when my son was 2 that he was not his father - he accepted it and considers my son his own son. I am in a terrible dilemma as I do not know whether to tell my son about his biological parentage and it has caused me to put up barriers between myself and him. I love him so much and could not bear to hurt him but at the same time I feel tremendous pressure in holding the lie. Can somebody please throw some light on this and advise me what to do....

Thank you so much and God Bless you.

I had a child at 17 years old and at 18 married another guy when my daughter was 5 months old. He adopted her and never wanted her told. I felt to not tell her was a lie. We argued about that for all of our 8 years of marriage. Eventually we each told her in our own way-but our timing was terrible and selfish. It was during the early years of the divorce. She is now 36 years old and has always told me she needed to hear the truth. She says she always knew anyway. She didn't look like either of her siblings. The sad part was our timing in telling her. I so wish that part could have been different. Keep that in mind-the truth needs to be told but the timing is so very important. Hope you and your ex-husband can come to an agreement on that, for your son's sake ,especially.

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sarahcash37

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April 1, 2007, 3:55 am PDT

Maybe I can help you

Quote From: mykids38

Heres my life in brief. My mother divorced my alcoholic father when I was less than a year. She married an abusive pychopath shortly after and the next 17 years were pure hell in our house. I quickly married nearly the same type of man for some ungodly reason and spent 20 years of my life being dominated, abused, accused of adultery at every step, made to feel stupid, useless, and inadequate as a mother and wife every day. Heres the irony, while my perfect husband was doing all of this to me he was also sexually molesting our two daughters from an early age. I found out 5 months ago. We are divorced now and he has no contact with us but we are left with a devastated family and 3 boys who are unsure how to treat their sisters. It seems like we spend alot of time not talking about it even though its right there in the room like a white elephant. I feel completely tongue tied about this. It makes me sick to know what he did to them and what they have suffered breaks my heart but whenever I broach the subject they just clam up and wont say a word. We dont talk anymore. The house is livelier and more relaxed since the divorce. we have fun and seem to be happier then I can remember in such a long time but it all seems so surface like. There was a monster living with us and nobody wants to talk about it. What can I do to get my daughters to open up? They are 19 and 13. I want them to talk about whatever they are feeling but at the same time I dont want to know any details...u know what I mean? I try not to think about it at all but its impossible. I know Im making a huge mistake with showing them how to deal with this but I dont know how to deal with it myself. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. thanx

I have been married 17 years to a wonderful man. The point is that his father is a child molester. A sick pervert. In 1994 he was arrested on 12 counts of sexual assault and abuse and rape of his then 11 and 12 year old daughters. My hubby and I lived about 50 feet behind them and he was not married to the girls mother. For three years or better they lived in pure hell. All the while my husbands father was physically abusive to all of us. He tried to hurt my husband several times he had a temper that would not quit. When in 1994 he got his self arrested my husband and I did not know how to cope with this, it was like a mack truck had ran over us. We could not even breathe. We were told by the courts that we could not go anywhere near those girls and we were threatened by law that we would be arrested. In 95 we sold everything that we could and tried to move away but it did not help with the rage and pain that we felt because our then 2 year old son was around this man all the ti,me. We were scared to death that something had happened to our precious son also. My husband started drinking heavily to cope with the pain and got lost in it. He kept saying that he wanted to die because he could not take the shame that he felt because of what his father had done. Everyone around town including my family judged us by what his dad had done. What they didn't understand was that IF WE HAD KNOWN WHAT HE WAS DOING HE WOULD NEVER HAVE WENT TO TRIAL. He WOULD HAVE BEEN KILLED. that IS ALL THERE IS TO IT. people LIKE THAT DO NOT DESERVE TO LIVE. SINCE THAT TIME WE HAVE LOST EVERYTHING MY HUSBAND LOST THE ABILITY TO GO OUT OF THE HOUSE FOR YEARS. He POINTED GUNS AT HIS HEAD BECAUSE OF THE PAIN. finally HE STARTED WRITING TO HIS FATHER R AND MOTHER ABOUT ALL THE THINGS THAT THEY HAD DONE TO HIM AND HIS SIBLINGS. He WROTE LETTER UPON LETTER SCREAMING OUT AT HIS PARENTS. He HAS NO CONTACT WITH ANY OF HIS SIBLINGS BECAUSE THEY ARE SUFFERING THE SAME THING HE DID AND DO NOT HAVE ANYONE TO HELP. and THEY WONT EXCEPT ANY HELP FROM THEIR BROTHER BECAUSE HE LOOKS LIKE HIS FATHER. IT IS NOT HIS FAULT THAT HIS FATHER DID THESE HORRIBLE THINGS AND THAT IS WHAT YOUR KIDS NEED TO HEAR. if YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW DETAILS HAVE THEM WRITE THEM DOWN ON PAPER. THEY HAVE TO DO THIS TO GET ALL THE RAGE AND ANGER AND HURT OUT. YOU HAVE TO SUPPORT YOUR KIDS IN THIS AND I KNOW THAT IT IS HARD BUT YOU HAVE TO LET THEM KNOW THAT YOU LOVE THEM AND WILL HELP THEM OUT IN ANYWAY YOU CAN . I SUGGEST THAT YOU GO TO COUNSELING IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY WITH THEM AND EACH OF YOU GO ALONE TO. IT HAS TO BE A JOINT THING FOR YOU ALL TO GET PAST THIS. BELIEVE ME IT IS HARD BUT YOU CANT GIVE UP. BUT THEY HAVE TO COME TO YOU. MAYBE YOU COULD SUGGEST THE WRITING. TELL THEM TO KEEP A JOURNAL OR DIARY OF WHAT THEIR FEARS AND FEELINGS ARE AND WERE AT THOSE TIMES. IF THEY HOLD IT IN IT WILL ONLY MAKE THEM WORSE. I FEEL FOR ALL OF YOU. MY HEART BROKE AS I READ THIS STORY. FOR A MINUTE I WAS BACK THERE IN 1994 WHEN OUR LIFE REALLY CHANGED. I KNOW THAT YOU DON'T KNOW ME BUT IF YOU NEED TO TALK JUST E-MAIL ME I WILL TRY TO HELP YOU. HAVE YOU CONFRONTED THIS SICKO YET? YOU SHOULD TELL HIM ALL YOUR FEELINGS TOO IT WILL HELP I WATCHED MY HUSBAND GO THROUGH HELL TRYING TO COPE DAY TO DAY. I DON'T KNOW THAT IT EVER GOES AWAY BUT IT DOES GET WEAKER AFTER YOU CONFRONT THE PERVERT. WE HAVE SAID SOME BAD THINGS TO MY HUSBANDS FATHER AND WE HAVE NO CONTACT WITH ANY OF OUR FAMILIES. PLEASE FOR YOUR CHILDREN'S AND YOUR SAKE CONFRONT THIS THING IT WILL EAT YOU UP INSIDE AND CONSUME YOUR LIFE IF YOU DON'T. YOU CAN ALSO KEEP UP WITH THIS FREAK TOO ON THE NET HE SHOULD HAVE HIS OWN WEBSITE NOW. JUST LIKE MY FATHER IN LAW. LIKE I SAID IF YOU NEED TO TALK PLEASE WRITE ME I WILL BE HERE FOR YOU I CAN SYMPATHIZE WITH YOU

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notajudge

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September 8, 2007, 6:11 pm PDT

Loosing my family

My family is falling apart, my children seem to hate me because they say I'm constantly nagging, talk too much, and don't do anything for them. My children are 15 and 17-1/2. I don't know where I went wrong, I gave up having a career to raise my children, my husband and I planned this before we had children. I was very involed in school, did the PTA president position for 4 years having my children help with many functions. It was my thought that I was teaching and modeling great behaviors for them. Well about 3 years ago my husband decided it was time for me to go back to work, "get a real job" holding benefits since he put his time in. (even though I did his bookkeeping since we married) I reluctantly went to work full time as he decided not take on jobs and our income fell considerably. I had a decent oppournity for employment and took the job, I was cleaning a couple accounts as a parttime job and taking my daughter to horseback ride which has always been her hobbie. My husband would do soccer with my son as this was his hobbie. At this point my children went wild, my daughter started cutting classes, became very trash mouthed and rude, ran away twice, and ended up with 10 credits for her sophmore year. My husband was constantly flipping out and verbally abusive to my daughter and son. I was accused of having several affairs in front of the children. This ultimately shut me down and I know it. My childred constantly curse, they are rude to my side of the family. My husband signed my daughter out of highschool last yeas as a counselor had told him that the school could take us to court and fine us for her skipping school, even though we drove her to school and wached her walk in every day. I have now re-enrolled her, I try to keep peace but there is definite friction in my home. It seems that he picks apart everything our daughter does and pitts her brother against her. I know that neither of our childred are saints.I know my husband has shared alot with my children and constantly bad mouth's me calling me a pig and that I do nothing. When he decided to be "Mr. Mom" after 16 years of marriage he started doing laundry, cleaning the house, and gardening however he seemed to forget the priority of the Children. I can set no rules in my house nor can I do anything without being questioned. I am afraid because I know I have no controll and don't know what to do. I have stayed because I don't want to loose my children I know they are torn.

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razaltm200

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Peaceful

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November 25, 2007, 9:09 am PST

My Son

Iam divoced since 2005.My son chose to stay with his dad.

Now my son tells me why...He said because Dad doesn't care about where I go What I do,And besides that He (dad) is never home.My son is now 19 as of October.All his growing up years he never had friends.He was always quiet and very nice and polite.He now hangs around kids I don't like at all.

He is now on probation ,he was caught with pot in his car.His Father is a heavy user and leaves it all around the house.My son talks to me saying that when he was nice nobody gave him a second thought.That's why he does the things he does.He swore to me he will never do anything bad again.He learned his lesson.I'm still worried.He does not have a job,I think it has alot to do with how he feels about himself.He made though HS by the skin of his teeth,I' sur he is afraid,Altough I tell him eveyone is afraid when they first get a job,But it doesn't seem to do anygood.What else can I do?He won't talk to a therapist about his issues.He really is a good Kid It breaks my heart to see him like he is now.

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yesblessed

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Happy

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January 28, 2008, 6:07 pm PST

If I were a young man

Quote From: razaltm200

Iam divoced since 2005.My son chose to stay with his dad.

Now my son tells me why...He said because Dad doesn't care about where I go What I do,And besides that He (dad) is never home.My son is now 19 as of October.All his growing up years he never had friends.He was always quiet and very nice and polite.He now hangs around kids I don't like at all.

He is now on probation ,he was caught with pot in his car.His Father is a heavy user and leaves it all around the house.My son talks to me saying that when he was nice nobody gave him a second thought.That's why he does the things he does.He swore to me he will never do anything bad again.He learned his lesson.I'm still worried.He does not have a job,I think it has alot to do with how he feels about himself.He made though HS by the skin of his teeth,I' sur he is afraid,Altough I tell him eveyone is afraid when they first get a job,But it doesn't seem to do anygood.What else can I do?He won't talk to a therapist about his issues.He really is a good Kid It breaks my heart to see him like he is now.

Feeling love for each of my parents, but without a plan for myself, other than to please iether one or both without excluding myself, I might feel a bit confused. My love for my own parents was the absolute foundation of my life from the very beginning. As well as their love for me, which had to be shared with siblings of my own, and extended family that lived far away, but was clearly a comfort from a distance. Still I was right there, feeling that there must be something more to all of this. Both parents having jobs, careers, and we were fortunate in what was concidered at the time to be an upper middle class social environment. Older brother growing a pot plant on the patio roof, thinking he was hiding it. Geez were my parents so happy to know that, pot was the only thing big brother was experimenting with! They actually sat and smoked some with him, had some bonding, and not yet a regret. None are pot smokers today, still we know that no one is perfect in the world.

Dad's are terrific , and one day, with a blessing at hand, your son will become a fantastic dad too!

Mom's are pretty terrific too!!!!!!!!! Love

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rgrantham

Message Emote

June 14, 2008, 8:30 am PDT

Children after the death of their father

I am worried about my 2 natural children and a step child that I love dearly. This is a long and complicated saga so I'll try to shorten it. I married my first husband when I got out of college at the early age of 22. He was 17 years older than I. My father whom I was extremely close to had passed away when I was 16, I was looking for a father figure I suppose. He had a step daughter from a previous marriage that he essentially had adopted for all intents and purposes. Her mother and he had married when she was a mere 2 years old and she never really met or knew her biological father. After we married, she became a vital part of our lives and when we had our 2 children, a boy and 14 months later a girl, we now had 3 children to love and adore, which we did. We had many many happy years together. All three children were very close, all recognizing that they had 2 siblings.
My first husband and I divorced when the natural children were 10 and 11 years old and the step daughter was 27 and married with her own children. That seemed to work out as well as a divorce situation could, my ex-husband and I remained focused on the children's best interest and did a good job, according to those closest to the family and the step daughter who always admired our ability to keep the children's best interest 1st and foremost.
The children grew up so close in age, they were always together, my daughter even went to summer school to graduate early from High School so she wouldn't be there without her brother. They graduated the same year. She married the following year and after living with me and my current husband off and on for about a year, they moved into a mobile home on her husband's family's land near here. My son had moved into his grandfathers very small house near his father's house and both children were working and attending the local technical college pursuing relative career degrees for their respective fields. Life was good, or so I thought.
Their father was diagnosed with cancer and died about a year and a half later. He had a will with everything covered ....he thought. He had put the house in a "Life Estate" in all 3 children's name. Complications arose with who was going to get the house, as our son was living there at the time, going through the process of purchasing his first home in a nearby big city. He completed the purchase of his house just after his father's death. There was a small amount of money left, but my natural daughter had taken her father during his illness while on chemo and radiation treatments (a little disoriented) and had an investment rep move what monies were left to an account that she was the only benficiary. The transfer was not complete according to this rep as he never got the other 2 names and social security numbers for the other 2 children.
At his death, my daughter wanted to sell the house, she was the one having it appraised a week later, and denied having any money left in their fathers account. To this day, she has not admitted that there was any money disbursed from this account and we have confirmed through final statements sent to his house after his death that there was a small amont of money sent to my daughter. This is the worst, but there are alot of little things that have happened to destroy my children's relationship. I can't say that I blame my son and step daughter for not associating with my daughter, but I sure need help for me as well as them in how to get past this. Any suggestions? How do you forgive and go on in this situation?

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