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Topic : Your Parenting Style

Number of Replies: 142
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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:48:44 pm
Author : dataimport
What is your parenting style, and is it meshing with your child's personality? Are you an authoritarian or a permissive parent? And is your child rebellious or passive? There's no magic formula, so use this message board as a tool to define your styles, problem-solve, find support and share ideas.

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September 11, 2006, 3:05 pm CDT

Your Parenting Style

Quote From: lmccune

This is my first time doing this, hope I am doing it correctly. 

 

I just read your email here on how you are parenting and raising your children.  I have to agree in so many ways, however, when they get older.... it isn't all about following your heart in the way you described. 

 

I believe you are an awesome mother and I commend you on your stance.  I do not have parents to follow after or to turn to when things get tough.  I raised my boys by myself until they were 8 and 10.  I made my mistakes, the boys had to "grow up" with me, but, like you, I followed my heart and I did what I felt was right.  My boys were in bed by 7:30 until they were in school and then they were in bed by 8:00.  Everyone was amazed at how I could get them down and bless their hearts, WHEN I did let them stay at a friends house, they couldn't stay awake much past 8:00. 

 

I raised my children with what I felt was right in my heart.  I took them where I went and didn't leave them with other people, I was too afraid to.  I am very close to my children and very proud of their accomplishments.

 

My middle child is 16 and has been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome (Autism spectrum).  Before his diagnosis, he was very angry, hurt, and depressed to the point of wanting to commit suicide.  He was lashing out mainly because he was realizing that not every body was like his mom and he was bullied for years by school classmates.  We had to put him in hospitals throughout 3 or 4 years until the last time which lasted a year. 

 

Today, he is in the 10th grade and loves himself and school!  The school is so impressed with his behavior and maturity.  I never thought he would mature.  He now has goals and is even taking steps to be in regular classes, participates in class discussions to the point the teacher is asking other classmates to respond instead of just him!  He is in Driver's Ed and the other day he brought home an awesome 1 page letter asked to write from a teacher.  (This is the kid that HATES writing and would NOT write before).... his letter made me cry!  He wants to graduate! (while still in school, he wants to take auto mechanics) and then Devry College to make his own game videos, then onto his love of being a monster truck driver (wants to meet the owner of Bigfoot) and then he wants to be a (get this) motivational speaker (!!!  Proud mom) and then wants to write books!!..... there is no stopping him!! 

 

Due to my consistent "staying by his side" even when everyone quit, he has come around by leaps and bounds and I am extatic!

 

I said all of this for this, I had to make many choices along the way that went AWAY from my heart.... I was so emotionally involved with helping that I became an emotional wreck.  They would ask if I thought I could forgive him and all I thought was "forgive him for what?"  I felt sorry for him and I wanted so bad to help him and to have someone help me help him, no answers, I was a wreck, my relationship wasn't a relationship... thank God he stayed and was my rock, but, we at that time, nourished no real couple relationship.  I had to finally use "tough love" on him and that often goes against what the heart tells the mother to do.  But, in the end.... look where he is today!!  Upward and onward!!

 

Now, I have a son who is 18, moved out the day before his 18th birthday, was rude and disrespectful before finally making his move.  This son I have always been very proud of, he does well in school... awesome even... He has a great head on his shoulders.... I can't say enough of how blessed I was that God sent him to me.  I could go on and on.....

 

But, when he decided to move out, he also knew as does my 16 year old and 6 year old; when you decide to move back home, you will have to pay rent.....well, 2 hours after he threw his fit and was so in our face about going and doing even when he was grounded the week before due to his behavior.... he moved out and wanted to come home, I gave him time to think and to stew on his actions.  LONG story short..... he can tell me all that I need to do and how messed up I am and on and on..... but, he won't take responsibility for his actions and he is appalled that I expect $25.00 a week for rent!

 

I learned with my 16 year old that I was too nice and I was allowing him to abuse me, with ALL the counseling and continued therapy (even today) and the friends as well as fiance' I have had along the way, I have learned that sometimes we have to make choices that our hearts don't like, but, that these choices are all about "tough love".  I have to make him accountable and I have to stick to what I have told him for years before he did what he did.

 

I am heart broken and worried to death.  BUT, I can't let him come home without paying rent and without a contract of what the rules are and what will and what will NOT be tolerated!  I will teach him nothing and he will never respect me!

 

In closing, what I am saying is just be careful, sometimes our heart can make us weak when it comes to our children and that weakness can and often will come back and BITE us in the dairyaire!!  Love your child unconditionally, I always tell him I love him no matter what he says or does and I don't belittle him in any way.  I pray for him and I know he will come around.  I can't give in and my heart wants him to be home where he is safe.  However, he is 18 and I will have to let go some day, I would rather he learn now, while he is still young and still close to mom and home than to have to learn it when he is much older and I may not be around....

 

Just concerned for those of us who follow our hearts and often allow our sympathy and empathy to cloud our judgement.  Yours is young, do what you feel is right, teach them what is right and to always be honest!  Just a mother to a mother....

I just read your profile and I too was raised in foster care in Ohio which is where I live now. 
 
November 19, 2006, 8:11 pm CST

Your Parenting Style

I am a 30 year old mother of 2 children with one on the way.  My oldest is 12 years old.  She has always been a great, respectful kid.  She has always done great in school.  This year is her first year in middle school (7th grade).  My husband is very protective and strict.  We just have certain expectations from her.  I dont expect for my daughter to be perfect and realize that she will make mistakes.  I am a bit more understanding than my husband and usually try to talk to my daughter about issues.   I was once her age and I try to understand her.  I know that she will soon have crushes on boys, but she is very aware that having a boyfriend will not be tolerated anytime soon.  She says she doesn't want one and understands that, but that we are too strict because she fears talking to boys just as friends.  I don't want to be too strict but I refuse to lower my expections.  I just want her to respect herself and to always act like a young lady.  At what age should I let her talk to male friends on the phone?  At what age should I let her go to the movies alone with her friends?  I believe that as she gets older, I will give her more privliges as long as she has maintained our trust.  
 
November 19, 2006, 8:43 pm CST

Your Parenting Style

Quote From: mother0fpt

I am a 30 year old mother of 2 children with one on the way.  My oldest is 12 years old.  She has always been a great, respectful kid.  She has always done great in school.  This year is her first year in middle school (7th grade).  My husband is very protective and strict.  We just have certain expectations from her.  I dont expect for my daughter to be perfect and realize that she will make mistakes.  I am a bit more understanding than my husband and usually try to talk to my daughter about issues.   I was once her age and I try to understand her.  I know that she will soon have crushes on boys, but she is very aware that having a boyfriend will not be tolerated anytime soon.  She says she doesn't want one and understands that, but that we are too strict because she fears talking to boys just as friends.  I don't want to be too strict but I refuse to lower my expections.  I just want her to respect herself and to always act like a young lady.  At what age should I let her talk to male friends on the phone?  At what age should I let her go to the movies alone with her friends?  I believe that as she gets older, I will give her more privliges as long as she has maintained our trust.  
I wouldn't have a problem allowing my daughter to talk to boys on the phone as long as she was hearing distance. I think if we teach our children to love and to respect themselves, set the boundaries and stick with them, communicate with them and make sure they understand our thinking and decissions, as well as show themt hat we trust them then I think for the most part they will turn out ok. Yes, they are gonna make mistakes but if they have a safe place to fall, like home then they will hold on to those teachings and be comfortable in coming to you as a their parent.

I Personally believe 12 years old is too young to be going out with friends to movies and such, of course I do not havea  daughter that age yet but seriously, iw ould find it hard to do that, She is still a very young kid and I would suggest that she invite a group of friends over for a movie and a special snack, you don't have to stay in the room with them, give them their time and at the same time let them know you are in the house, that if they need you, to call for you. I do like the idea of kids going places as a group and given guidelines, they need check in times as well as a curfew, for afterall, it is we paretnt who are responsible for our kids until they are at least 18, but the group thing, I think even witht hat, 12 year olds should not be out with a group of friends, especially if they are riding with teen age drivers, With a responsible adult chaperone, I can deal with that but not alone with all minors.

Trust and maturity has a big part in presenting priveleges to our kids and I believe if we start while they are young,t hey will catch on to that and of course that comes with communciation and consistency ont he parents part.
 
December 26, 2006, 10:11 pm CST

123 magic

Quote From: heather_79

I have found an effective way of discplining my children, they are ages 6, 2 and 6 months. I reallize a child likes to have an impact on the world, whether it be throwing a rock into the creek, or throwing cheerios on the floor, or even getting on your last nerve with endless questions and  demands!!! I have started applying a program called 1-2-3 magic and it has been a lifesaver. When a child is getting into things like my 2 year old loves to do, I just simply say,  "That's 1", and if they continue I say, "That's 2" and if they make it to 3 then I say "take five", and then I send them to their room for 5 minutes. I don't say anything at all just start counting. The key is consistency, and showing no emotion. The program states that parents talk to children too much and to emotionally, they can't comprehend on an adult level, so why talk to them the way you would an adult? It has worked for me, and my 6 yr old now looks at me and rolls her eyes by the time I say "That's 1", You have to make sure you explain to your child that things are changing around your household, and be honest and tell them how you are going to handle things now (by counting). Another thing, when they come out of their room after 5 minutes, don't bring up what happened, it's over, they have a clean slate!!! It works for me, and my stress level has decreased tremendously!!! If you want a copy of the program, I can send it to you via e-mail: heathergatlin@hotmail.com
It's been forever since this discussion but I was wondering if you still had the program.  I tried to email you and got a return email.  I could really use any help I can get Thanks.
 
February 7, 2007, 2:55 pm CST

advice? anyone??

greetings! ok..here is my schtick....

 

  I have an 8 yr. old Daughter and she has been living with my parents since she was 6 mnths. old..(long story)..she and I have been hanging out alot and lately I have missed my child. I have a room for her at my house and she has been staying with my husband and I on the weekends. Now, I am a health nut. Not in a bad way by all means! I come from a family of overweight folks and i am very fit and take care of myself. I am 120 lbs at 5'6..I believe STRONGLY about my health. My family on the other hand teases me about it..now, I can let this slide right off my back..but, when it comes to my child living with my folks..well, thats where I go bonkers...Example: the other day I was dropping my Daughter (madison) off after her staying with me for the weekend..she had just ate breakfast at my house...it wasn't even 10 am and my dad is heating up an old happy meal cheeseburger from mcdonalds for her after i just told him she already ate breakfast..things like this happen ALL the time..when my daughter is with me she eats VERY well.. and healthy..I am so frustrated with my folks..my mom tried to tell me I don't know what I am talking about cause the cheeseburger is good for my child cause she is going through a growth spurt!!She said the meat was good for her and the cheese..I am at my wits end because they always feed her foods like this..ALL the time..i notice my child gaining weight..and I am scared...I feel although she does not live with me YET, I should still have a say when it comes to her and her health..my parents have really bad eating habits and i do not want my child to end up like that...I have tried to talk to my mom but, she gets mad at me..any suggestions?

 
February 10, 2007, 2:57 pm CST

Your Parenting Style

I have a smart talented college graduate who is 24, been out of school for a year now and living at home.  He has always been a great kid, no problems whatsoever, has never drank did drugs or anthing remotely like that.  Has been been having a problem finding a job in our small area, has a girlfriend who is still in college.  Problem is all of a sudden he thinks we own him a living, has spent $1500 out of his savings in the past year on video games and computer games.  He will not do anything around the house, sleeps all day, stays up all night, spends about 15 hours a day on the computer.  He has a car to drive, which is a second car that we have, thinks we should keep putting gas in it for him to use, pay his insurance, supply him with the food he likes.  He has been going out with the same girl now for about 6 months, we are not suppose to talk to her when she is here, she is rather rude also.  Spends the weekend here, but is not friendly towards us at all.  My son has been looking for a job but could do much better.  I am at my writs end,  he is rude, lazy and not the son I raised.
 
February 11, 2007, 5:46 am CST

Missinlink

Quote From: missinlink

I have a smart talented college graduate who is 24, been out of school for a year now and living at home.  He has always been a great kid, no problems whatsoever, has never drank did drugs or anthing remotely like that.  Has been been having a problem finding a job in our small area, has a girlfriend who is still in college.  Problem is all of a sudden he thinks we own him a living, has spent $1500 out of his savings in the past year on video games and computer games.  He will not do anything around the house, sleeps all day, stays up all night, spends about 15 hours a day on the computer.  He has a car to drive, which is a second car that we have, thinks we should keep putting gas in it for him to use, pay his insurance, supply him with the food he likes.  He has been going out with the same girl now for about 6 months, we are not suppose to talk to her when she is here, she is rather rude also.  Spends the weekend here, but is not friendly towards us at all.  My son has been looking for a job but could do much better.  I am at my writs end,  he is rude, lazy and not the son I raised.
Just a suggestion, for more replies you might want to try posting this same message in our "Adult Children Living at Home" message board located in Relationships/Sex > Family Relationships.
 
February 12, 2007, 11:11 am CST

I may need to also post this on another board...

Quote From: DrPhilBoard1

Just a suggestion, for more replies you might want to try posting this same message in our "Adult Children Living at Home" message board located in Relationships/Sex > Family Relationships.
Hello, for anyone that is reading this...I'm trying to find a proper board for this issue...so, meanwhile I post it here..hopefully, someone could help me...I've given advice to my b/f, about his oldest daughter, that's 24, married, with one child..Now, she was living in a different state, and moved to where her dad lives..leaving her husband...(but, then the husband came back and they tried to work things out)...anyway, she right away showed signs of disrespecting, I learned she has done this all of her life...her dad felt he needed to take her in for a while, till she got on her feet...well, once she left...and her and her husband was working things out...she would call my b/f several times a day...for no reason...it got so bad, that she has said FU to him...call him up at his job, and left a message...'p/u your f....phone'....she would come over, if he didn't answer the phone...once, coming over around 10 pm, just as he was ready for bed..she came around to his bedroom window, and knocked...she's also banged on the door, and saying mean things...He once let her use his truck, and he called her early in the morning, saying he needed to switch and use his truck...she could use the car...but, for her to have it clean (she's very messy) by that evening...when, we got there, she didn't even clean it...so, she made us wait out in the cold, while she cleaned it...I even gave up at a store, and it end up closing on me..because, we had to go pick the truck up...she told me that I don't come before her...that her dad help bringing her into this world, so she will ALWAYS come first...this went on for months...till I finally told him, that he needs to do 'tough love' with her...NO CONTACT...but, making sure he tells her he loves her...I feel they can also use counseling...but, this daughter has always been this way...she is determine to ruin his (our) relationship on numerous occasions, and almost won...My question is, can anyone tell me what they would advise him to do...because, I don't want to tell him something wrong...What would you tell this dad? and/or what IF you had a child that acted like this...thanks for your response...Dee
 
February 26, 2007, 8:14 am CST

YES, I think you should be concerned

Quote From: psmomsp

Has any had experience with high "matching" fundraisers?   The kids fill out a questionaire related to personal preferences and dating attitudes.  Then they send the information - including each child's name and birthdate in to the company.  The company matches the kids in several areas and sends a report for each child. Then the school sells it to the student.  Basically the school sells your childs name to other students, and all without parental consent.  At least at our school parental consent was not required, and the parent were not informed.  How would it feel if the drug dealer in your hgh school ended up with your child's name on their list?  You have no control of who gets your name on their list.  Then they post a top ten in your school. Top ten in your grade at the school.   Also there is a corresponding eflurtz where a student can go to get the next 50 matches.  Then the organization has your child' name, his birthdate, and email.  Does anyone else think as a parent I have reason for concern?

In my opinion, any parent of a school age child in the public school system, should be wary of the information given out on them. Your particular "fundraiser" sounds very intrusive on a personal level. And yes, all that information could perhaps get into the wrong hands. How about a pedophile getting ahold of that information., think about it!  Also the corporations of America prey on our school children, for example; having them sell their 'crap' to your friends and family over and over again all in the name of a "fundraiser", selling nutritionally void fast food in the lunchroom to our children, sending them credit cards, ect. I would say be very careful of how our children are being 'used'. Identity theft is also becoming a grim reality for all too many people today. You should be concerned and so should all the other parents in your community. I know the monetary rewards aren't as great, but school fundraisers are probably most effective when they are kept local and at the community level. I think most schools/PTO's 'sell out'  looking for the highest return for the least amount of effort. Unfortunately at times, it ends up being at the expense of the very students they are trying to help. Its past time for us parents to make sure that our children will be protected. And it starts with each one of us getting involved and making it happen.

 
February 26, 2007, 8:52 am CST

Thanks for sharing

Quote From: jb7ctx

I just wanted to share with you what I found that works with my kids in order to get them to clean up their room and do their homework, practice on good manners, eat all of their dinner, brush their teeth, and help out around the house. This is working great with my 4 and 6 y/o. Not sure about teenagers though. I made up a sheet of all the things I want them to do each day. Each time they do one of the things listed, they earn points/ fake money. When they get enough money saved by doing these things each day, they then get to buy a reward out of our reward box. each night. I ordered alot of small surprises from Oriental Trading Company and put them in the box. (they are not costly either). I am glad I did this because I get what I want (from them) and they get what surprise they want. Each prize is labeled at different cost, so they have to complete everything in order to get the bigger surprises out of the box. When they act bad or argue, they lose a penny each time out of their savings for the day. By doing this it makes them want to do the things I ask of them so they can earn the money to get a surprise.  Each time they say "thank you" or "please" they earn 5 cent. That is really adding up for them! Their manners have improved alot! Their behavior as well. Just wanted to share the idea with others.

It sounds like a good idea, I am going to try it!  I hope it works!

I have an 8 yr. old that I have a terrible time getting motivated to do anything! (I should say anything except watch TV.) I am at my wits end. Thanks for sharing.

 
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