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Topic : Your Parenting Style

Number of Replies: 142
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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:48:44 pm
Author : dataimport
What is your parenting style, and is it meshing with your child's personality? Are you an authoritarian or a permissive parent? And is your child rebellious or passive? There's no magic formula, so use this message board as a tool to define your styles, problem-solve, find support and share ideas.

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March 6, 2007, 9:09 am CST

My experience with your style with a twist of my own

Quote From: jb7ctx

I just wanted to share with you what I found that works with my kids in order to get them to clean up their room and do their homework, practice on good manners, eat all of their dinner, brush their teeth, and help out around the house. This is working great with my 4 and 6 y/o. Not sure about teenagers though. I made up a sheet of all the things I want them to do each day. Each time they do one of the things listed, they earn points/ fake money. When they get enough money saved by doing these things each day, they then get to buy a reward out of our reward box. each night. I ordered alot of small surprises from Oriental Trading Company and put them in the box. (they are not costly either). I am glad I did this because I get what I want (from them) and they get what surprise they want. Each prize is labeled at different cost, so they have to complete everything in order to get the bigger surprises out of the box. When they act bad or argue, they lose a penny each time out of their savings for the day. By doing this it makes them want to do the things I ask of them so they can earn the money to get a surprise.  Each time they say "thank you" or "please" they earn 5 cent. That is really adding up for them! Their manners have improved alot! Their behavior as well. Just wanted to share the idea with others.

I tried it!  We have always had a chore chart and morning routine chart with an allowance reward, and it didn't seem to work. But your twist of getting rewarded for being polite and money taken away for bad behavior has been a great motivator. We also have added losing money for having to tell our child more than once to do something. This has worked like a charm.

Additionally, my 8 year old has had a hard time getting motivated in the morning and has been late to school a lot. This has been a big source of frustration for me. It has been my child's responsibility to get up, get dressed, make it to breakfast, pack her backpack, and make it to school on time. The task  was always met with groans, complaints, dragging of the feet, and almost always ended in a big fight and a race to get her to school on time.

 I was at my wits end until I came up with this little motivator!  The first day I did this, was all it took. I put on my bath robe and slippers, no makeup, bare legs, have a few curlers hanging in my hair and zit cream dotted all over my face. As soon as my daughter saw me she said, 'Mom, aren't you going to look nice today?' I calmly told my child if she is not on time I will be escorting her into the school and to the front office dressed like this, and if  she chooses to continue to be late, I will add walking her to class (in front of all her friends) to the deal. As I explained this to her she started crying, and tried to no avail to negotiate her way out of the situation. As she quickly realized I mean't business, she started throwing things into her backpack at a frantic pace. She made it out the door and to the school with a mere 30 seconds to spare. She knew she had dodged a bullet, and incredibly she has been a model child ever since. I am hopeful that this is lasting and has taken care of the problem. But I am sure there will be many opportunities for creative parenting in the future, for which I hope and pray I am prepared.  

 
March 8, 2007, 10:13 am CST

To ground or not to ground.

I have a 11 yr old boy.  The school thinks he has ADD or ADHD.  I myself am starting to wonder that too.  Because it really shows in his work.  Even in just completing simple tasks like chores.  I figured that was just him being a boy who didn't want to do chores.  But now its to the point where if you teach him how to do something.. He forgets part of it 10 min. later.  I am not the only one seeing this.. His school has a teacher that works with him.  She is dealing with the same thing I am. 

Before when he would not do his homework he would get grounded.  Usually for a day or 2.  Then it went for a week.  But i have been letting him off the hook early because he would listen to what I was telling him.. In every aspect.. homework , chores etc.( even though I still had to repeat myself a million times)  it seems as if when I ground him.  it still don't "fix" the problem with retaining what he has learned in school.. And applying it to his homework.  Or simply listening.. even though hes looking at you in the face.

Now I am at the point where we have made a  Dr. appt to get him tested.  And I am struggling with the fact of ground him still or not.  because hes still making the same mistakes. 

Part of me thinks.. He's conning me.  He just don't want to do it.  And I need to step up  the punishment.  To be honest I want to give him the belt.  But I only have busted his ass a few times in his life.. Now hes to old to do that.  And I don't even think that is the answer. 

Am I  punishing him for something he cant help?  Or
Does he know exactly how to work me, to get what he wants.. to be able to coast through school.. homework, chores.. etc?  LOL Yes he does.. i know this.. I did it to my mother.

I just cant help to feel like maybe I am over looking a bigger problem.  because I am not the only person who notices how he can read something and not know what the heck he just read.. or even teach him a math problem.. 5 min later go back to check on him.. and its like he hit delete in his brain.. lol Of course he says.. oh yeah.. after I go over it again..

So ground him.. or not..?
 
March 8, 2007, 10:42 am CST

Your Parenting Style

Quote From: deanna2112001

I have a 11 yr old boy.  The school thinks he has ADD or ADHD.  I myself am starting to wonder that too.  Because it really shows in his work.  Even in just completing simple tasks like chores.  I figured that was just him being a boy who didn't want to do chores.  But now its to the point where if you teach him how to do something.. He forgets part of it 10 min. later.  I am not the only one seeing this.. His school has a teacher that works with him.  She is dealing with the same thing I am. 

Before when he would not do his homework he would get grounded.  Usually for a day or 2.  Then it went for a week.  But i have been letting him off the hook early because he would listen to what I was telling him.. In every aspect.. homework , chores etc.( even though I still had to repeat myself a million times)  it seems as if when I ground him.  it still don't "fix" the problem with retaining what he has learned in school.. And applying it to his homework.  Or simply listening.. even though hes looking at you in the face.

Now I am at the point where we have made a  Dr. appt to get him tested.  And I am struggling with the fact of ground him still or not.  because hes still making the same mistakes. 

Part of me thinks.. He's conning me.  He just don't want to do it.  And I need to step up  the punishment.  To be honest I want to give him the belt.  But I only have busted his ass a few times in his life.. Now hes to old to do that.  And I don't even think that is the answer. 

Am I  punishing him for something he cant help?  Or
Does he know exactly how to work me, to get what he wants.. to be able to coast through school.. homework, chores.. etc?  LOL Yes he does.. i know this.. I did it to my mother.

I just cant help to feel like maybe I am over looking a bigger problem.  because I am not the only person who notices how he can read something and not know what the heck he just read.. or even teach him a math problem.. 5 min later go back to check on him.. and its like he hit delete in his brain.. lol Of course he says.. oh yeah.. after I go over it again..

So ground him.. or not..?
Maybe instead of grounding him, think of a new technique, maybe start rewarding him for the good things that he does do. maybe have a list of things posted that he is suppose to do and as he gets them done, he gets a some sort of a reward, maybe 50 cents or whatever it is  that he likes, and when he gets so much money, tell him, you will take him shopping. Yea, this could be considered bribing to some people, but hey, we, as adults, if we want money,t henw e work for it, no paycheck if we don't work. School and the chores around th ehome is a child's worka nd there is nothing wrong with rewarding fora good job done. Withthe list posted, you wonlt have to pressure him in to doing these things, it will basically be a choice and if he chooses not to do them, then ther eis no money (whateever you are doing)

As far as the school work and all, it does sound like he is having some sort of problem and it's good that you are getting him tested, it's better to be safe then sorry. Work with and encourage him right along side of his teachers. Maybe you can get him a tutor, and also maybe just have him to do about 10 minutes at a time. And what does he eat? I believe diet can have a lot to do with how we function and how well we do things.  but you need to be patient and consistent here, Encourage him to do his best and be there for him. Parenting sometimes can be a hard task, but our kids are depending on us.
 
March 9, 2007, 7:32 am CST

Your Parenting Style

well i am the type of mother that as long as my kids are being quiet and in there room, not getting on my nerves, i'm ok. but i know there is a better way to deal with this situation,instead i just keep pushing them away. i always holler at them. i feel as if i'm a bad parent. i cut them off. is this b/c of the way my mother and father cut me off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
March 9, 2007, 8:32 am CST

helpfull advice

Quote From: sugarbear341

well i am the type of mother that as long as my kids are being quiet and in there room, not getting on my nerves, i'm ok. but i know there is a better way to deal with this situation,instead i just keep pushing them away. i always holler at them. i feel as if i'm a bad parent. i cut them off. is this b/c of the way my mother and father cut me off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You didn't say how old your chidren are so I will try to be general.I have three children ages 10,14 and 18 so I have been through all the stages of child rearing.Try not to focus on how you were parented  because you cant change the past and to many people continue to display bad parenting towards their children while blaming that on their childhood.Instead ask yourself if you are meeting the needs of your children on a regular basis.This includes love,discipline,education,stimulaion,physical affection and acceptance.None of these things are fullfilled by simply expecting our children to stay out of our way and unheard.Children left to their own devices for to long will be bored,get into trouble,and feel unwanted.Combine that with hollering and cutting your children off and you are setting them up for a dysfuntional life.

 

You need to interact with your children everyday.Play games with them this shows them that you are interested in them and gives you the chance to teach them about winning,losing,playing fair,and sharing.Participate in role playing with them act out stories,play with dolls or cars,pretend, this boosts creativity and self confidence and allows you view them as their individual selves.Educational activities such as workbooks,reading aloud,listening to music are activities that enrich and keep them busy.Outdoor time gives your children the chance to release energy and exercise at the same time.Theres nothing wrong with t.v. time but I usually sat with my children during this time even if I couldn't stand their cartoons.If you have children that are preteens or teens you still need to be involved with them  just adjust the activities.This stuff needs to be done every day allow twenty to thirty minutes for each thing .You may find that it helps you because some of this stuff allows us to get back in touch with our inner child.My kids loved when I colored or did art with them and kids think it's funny to see mom silly.

 

On a personal note if you find that you are yelling all the time and pushing your kids away you may be depressed, stressed or have some unhappiness within youself that you are taking out on them.If this is the case seek help from a docter or support group.Remember our chidren shouldnt have to make exceptions for us we should be doing that for them.

 

Your not a bad parent your just overwhelmed and need to try new behaviour.Hope this helped!

 
March 14, 2007, 10:18 am CDT

It starts with us

Quote From: sugarbear341

well i am the type of mother that as long as my kids are being quiet and in there room, not getting on my nerves, i'm ok. but i know there is a better way to deal with this situation,instead i just keep pushing them away. i always holler at them. i feel as if i'm a bad parent. i cut them off. is this b/c of the way my mother and father cut me off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That used to be me too, but there is a better way of dealing with this and it starts with you. I am not a trained professional but from what you shared, it sounds like you are totally stressed out and possibly have some anger or frustration issues. You need to get in touch with your feelings. You have to figure out what your issues are and then take responsibility for your actions instead of 'checking out'. You are most likely 'checking out' cause you can't cope with the situation at hand. If you are indeed stressed out, figure out what is stressing you and take action. If the kids are screaming, fighting, or just running around, you unfortunately don't have control. Thus you have to take control by scheduling their time, and/or scheduling an activity with them. By all means SHUT OFF THE TV! You may need to ask for help from your spouse, relative or a friend so you can get on top of things. If they are old enough, give the kids a list of things to do or that can be done, remember kids love structure. Another thing, work with your spouse, relative, or friend to try to schedule some time for yourself.

If you have anger issues please identify where those are coming from so you can make a conscious effort not to take it out on your kids. I feel that when we yell at our kids we are essentially asking them to pay for our feelings. Kind of a 'I feel bad so I am going to make you feel bad' thing.

I too have done all the things you have said you do, and have felt like a bad parent. We aren't necessarily bad parents, we have just picked a bad parenting style. Further more, the guilt you feel, for pushing them away and yelling, just compounds and makes you feel even more angry at yourself, so then it becomes a cycle. Our first clue that we haven't been dealing with the situation the right manner is when it creates bad/guilty feelings for us. When we feel them, that is our cue to step back, take a moment to destress and tackle the situation in a different manner. I have to remind myself, I am the adult and should act like it, and not regress into immature, thus ineffective behavior (and that is what pushing away and yelling is). Choosing the 'easy way out ' in the heat of the moment may seem good at the time, but as we have found, it creates more problems for us than if we were to put in the effort to resolve the true issues, and relate in a more respectful manner everytime. As a result of my change and efforts our house has been less stressful for all.

 
March 22, 2007, 7:02 am CDT

renting your child your rental property

I have a 21 yr. old daughter that has never paid her own rent.  She dropped out of college and has had limited employment.  She also completed an out-patient eating disorder program last year after dropping out of an in-patient program 9 months prior to that.  She is currently living with her fiance and taking care of their one month old son.  Their wedding date is July of this year.

 

I moved out of state last year and have been renting out my house in their area for slightly more than they are paying for rent in their apartment.  My future son-in-law has offered to do repair that is needed at the house without expectations ( in my opinion ) of moving in.  He is a very hard worker and capable.   

 

I am wondering if I should rent the house (the house my daughter grew up in) to the two of them for what I am renting it for now or if at all.  I can see benefits in that, especially making available a safe environment  to raise their son.  I am wondering if I just continue to give my daughter a soft place to land and if this is good for her.  I plan on holding them financially liable just as I would any renter, but I realize that I may have an impaired view of a successful outcome.

 

Part of the reason that this has come up at this time is knowing that I will be losing my current renter soon.  Again, I see some benefits for all of us, but I am primarily thinking of their family.

 

Please give me feedback.

 

Larry

jetman@sonic.net

 
March 28, 2007, 5:52 am CDT

WHAT CAN I DO ?

MY GIRLFRIEND HAS 2 KIDS, BOY(9) AND A GIRL(6). THEY ARE YOUR AVERAGE KIDS, THEY PLAY AND FIGHT AND DO ALL THE THINGS LITTLE KIDS DO. INCLUDING WHATEVER THEY FEEL LIKE AS LONG AS THEY THINK THEY CAN GET AWAY WITH IT. the childrens mom and dad are in the middle of a divorce, the children dont really know  what is going on they just know that thier dad doesnt live here  and now Im here. the children like me fine and i like toi think they love me. Certainly not like they do their real dad, but i dont expect them to. The kids were basically raised by their dad because their mom was the breadwinner in the family. Their father didnt really dicipline them and apparently didnt teach them how to properly behave. Their not bad kids, they just dont have any self dicipline, or any intrest in being taught any it seems. I grew up in a fairly strict household.one might say that alot of the punishment that i received could border on and sometimes far cross the boundry of child abuse.I dont feel scarred or hate my parents for what they did when i was a child.Im sure i deserved every thing i got. BUT i dont want

to do the same things my parents did. basically what id like to know is how can i teach my new step kids that they have to follow the rules andthey need to learn how to bahave, without being the BAD GUY. Im trying to be nice and diplomatic and take into account their lack of training and dicipline but most every task the children undertake is like brand new ground everytime.Even though its the same routine averytime. Ive been with the kids for 1.5 years and some days it seems im the new guy thats just hangin around for a little while. How can i instill proper values and teach them  right and wrong, and dicipline them without them resenting me and rebelling against me and their mother?

 
March 30, 2007, 9:33 pm CDT

renting to family

Quote From: jetman888

I have a 21 yr. old daughter that has never paid her own rent.  She dropped out of college and has had limited employment.  She also completed an out-patient eating disorder program last year after dropping out of an in-patient program 9 months prior to that.  She is currently living with her fiance and taking care of their one month old son.  Their wedding date is July of this year.

 

I moved out of state last year and have been renting out my house in their area for slightly more than they are paying for rent in their apartment.  My future son-in-law has offered to do repair that is needed at the house without expectations ( in my opinion ) of moving in.  He is a very hard worker and capable.   

 

I am wondering if I should rent the house (the house my daughter grew up in) to the two of them for what I am renting it for now or if at all.  I can see benefits in that, especially making available a safe environment  to raise their son.  I am wondering if I just continue to give my daughter a soft place to land and if this is good for her.  I plan on holding them financially liable just as I would any renter, but I realize that I may have an impaired view of a successful outcome.

 

Part of the reason that this has come up at this time is knowing that I will be losing my current renter soon.  Again, I see some benefits for all of us, but I am primarily thinking of their family.

 

Please give me feedback.

 

Larry

jetman@sonic.net

I think the main thing to think about is the level of responsibility you are entrusting them with. If you can treat them like tenants and make sure that they fully understand what this means, any guidlines you have as the leasor, paying their rent, etc. What it comes down to is how do you and your family communicate and will this cause any role strain. (mother/daughter resentment or conflict)
 
March 30, 2007, 9:58 pm CDT

time for me, short and sweet

Quote From: hi2day

That used to be me too, but there is a better way of dealing with this and it starts with you. I am not a trained professional but from what you shared, it sounds like you are totally stressed out and possibly have some anger or frustration issues. You need to get in touch with your feelings. You have to figure out what your issues are and then take responsibility for your actions instead of 'checking out'. You are most likely 'checking out' cause you can't cope with the situation at hand. If you are indeed stressed out, figure out what is stressing you and take action. If the kids are screaming, fighting, or just running around, you unfortunately don't have control. Thus you have to take control by scheduling their time, and/or scheduling an activity with them. By all means SHUT OFF THE TV! You may need to ask for help from your spouse, relative or a friend so you can get on top of things. If they are old enough, give the kids a list of things to do or that can be done, remember kids love structure. Another thing, work with your spouse, relative, or friend to try to schedule some time for yourself.

If you have anger issues please identify where those are coming from so you can make a conscious effort not to take it out on your kids. I feel that when we yell at our kids we are essentially asking them to pay for our feelings. Kind of a 'I feel bad so I am going to make you feel bad' thing.

I too have done all the things you have said you do, and have felt like a bad parent. We aren't necessarily bad parents, we have just picked a bad parenting style. Further more, the guilt you feel, for pushing them away and yelling, just compounds and makes you feel even more angry at yourself, so then it becomes a cycle. Our first clue that we haven't been dealing with the situation the right manner is when it creates bad/guilty feelings for us. When we feel them, that is our cue to step back, take a moment to destress and tackle the situation in a different manner. I have to remind myself, I am the adult and should act like it, and not regress into immature, thus ineffective behavior (and that is what pushing away and yelling is). Choosing the 'easy way out ' in the heat of the moment may seem good at the time, but as we have found, it creates more problems for us than if we were to put in the effort to resolve the true issues, and relate in a more respectful manner everytime. As a result of my change and efforts our house has been less stressful for all.

It sounds to me like you need some (you time.) you are enveloped with suffication. your role as mom, your role as wife, sister, daughter, etc. is not enough. you need a little selfish time.

(concious time you allow yourself to have) PLAN IT. dont wait until you feel like pulling your hair out. ten minutes a day you say;.... it's my time; ...to everyone around you. if you have little ones they may give you hell for a while but soon everyone will get it.they will also admire you for making a step toward becoming whole. during this time meditate a little. go outside, breath in the air, or go anywhere away from distraction.you will come back with a clearer mind. it's like a shower, like exercise, like eating what's good for you, you may not feel like it but you make yourself do it because its good for you and what's good for you is good for everyone around you. writing your letter is one step toward peace. good job, good luck. i'm there too

 

 
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