Message Boards

Topic : Your Parenting Style

Number of Replies: 142
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:48:44 pm
Author : dataimport
What is your parenting style, and is it meshing with your child's personality? Are you an authoritarian or a permissive parent? And is your child rebellious or passive? There's no magic formula, so use this message board as a tool to define your styles, problem-solve, find support and share ideas.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

April 10, 2007, 7:31 am CDT

10 year old sons agressive behavior

 I am at my wits end.  My 10 year old son has no, and I mean no respect for my authority.  It has come to the point where he will use foul language and be physically agressive with me.  I am always crying, he does not see me though.   We have a counsellor coming to see us twice a month but to be honest I wonder when the results will show.  I feel like I am a failure as a Mother and my self esteem is nil,.....  I am a single mom and my sons father has never been in the picture. 

Is there anyone out there going through the same thing or have already gone through is with results?  I would love to hear from you.  It would sure give me a glimmer of Hope.

Thanks in advance, Angie
 
April 10, 2007, 8:38 am CDT

I UNDERSTAND YOU

Quote From: darla3336

You sound exausted...I think one strategy would be to take better care of yourself, regain your inner strength....then deal with the kids...with a more hopeful attitude.  I feel if you approch this problem from where you are now, you'll only be defeated.  You have to be strong inside and out to deal with this kind of overwhelming problem...Good Luck  

Hi there,

 

I'm a single mom of a 10 year old and am going thru the same situation as you.  At school my son is an Angel,  he respects his teachers etc...,  The minute he comes thru the door havoc starts.  It will begin in the morning waking up for school.  Any reason to raise his voice towards me will do.  I am also drained.  Physically, mentally, morally.....I love my son so much and I remember when he was so sweet.  I know I am not consistent with punishment cause he will resort to yelling at the top of his lungs (i live in an apartment complex)  which bothers my neighboors and makes me very embarrased.  Or he will physically his me.  I am 5"2 107 pounds and he weights about 100 pounds and is approx. 5 ft. 

 

I try to deal with it day by day,  there are some good and I find if you get the right resources we will finally find a solution.  GOOD LUCK... KEEP IN TOUCH

 
April 16, 2007, 12:58 pm CDT

my ex has my 5 year old on ritalin and concerta

 Well my 5 year old son acts realy well away from his mother, where not together and havent been sence he was a year old. He acts realy crazy with her I think its because she dont demand respect from him and lets him do what every keeps him quiet. Im so angry with her that she has him on meds he dont need.She has had to poor boy in therapy for this, and again i think its unnesasary for him to recieve therapy she is in therapy and on meds so she believes he needs them. I dont know what to do Doctor Phil she wont listen to me.I dont think having him on  ritalin and concerta are worth the risks, like serious heart problems. She seems to think its worth it and credits that hes starting to read to the meds his preschool she said wanted him on it too and her theapist said he needs it and who am i to disagree with them. My son lives with her and takes him to preshool every day I think if he respected her and her athority he would repect the  schools as well. I refuse to give him these pills and to my knowlege he has to be winged off them because there addicting so I cant see him right now because i would have to give him  the pills. Im hoping she will give in to my protesting and see reason. Help Help please............
 
April 19, 2007, 6:58 am CDT

Two loving parents two different styles when dealing with newborn

I have no idea what to do! I recently gave birth to a beautiful newborn girl ( and also recently married) and me and my husband have been arguing over the fact that I am very overprotective with my daughter even when it comes to him.

When I gave birth, i had the luxury of having my mother came and stay with us for a month to help me adjust with having a newborn in the house. I took a maternity leave of three months to take of the baby especially since I was breastfeeding. My mom assisted with the chores aroudn the house i.e cooking, some cleaning,etc. My husband also assisted but for the most part he was working the third shift ( 11pm-7am) leaving him very tired because he has never worked this shift before, so his time at home was left getting some sleep. Nevertheless, since I was breastfeeding, I was for the most part taking care of the baby because she was getting her nourishment from me and I obviously was the one with more time on my hands. My mom left after a month and reality set in for the both of us. I for the most part do not leave the house because my husband says its not safe to take the baby out blah, blah, blah. [Side note: I had also spent a large part of my pregnancy working full-time/finishing off my master's full time from sept to dec, i gave birth  in february]

Anyways, sorry for jumping around, I have grown accoustomed to the way I have handled my daughter since she was born. I have learned that she is a very good baby and only cries when she needs something, so for the most part when she cries, I pick her up to see if she is hungry or wet and attempt to calm her down any chance I can get because there is no reason to let her crying get out of hand if I believe that I have solved her want i.e food , wet diaper. I feel like over the months I have learned what my daughter wants and needs and even figured out what her different  cries me. i feel like at this point in her development i know her best. i feel she takes to me at times more than her father. My husband feels like i am too overprotective of her, especially when she is with him.There may be some truth to this statement only because my husband believes by me pampering her, calming her down when she cries, always wanting to see how she is doing or the reason behind why she is crying is making her a spoiled baby. He believes by not rocking her when she cries, not calming her down when she cries to be changed or for whatever reason is creating a STRONG-MINDED baby, who wil nto throw tantrums, learn to stop crying on their own with out being rocked or talked to. He even wants to give her a lil tap on the bum if she cries a little bit. He says as long as he picks her up, the baby should know to stop crying because I am not ignoring her. I don't believe in that.  I believe that my version of parenting, in soothing her talking with her calms her down quicker than just standing there and wait for her to calm down on her own. I often walk in as he changes her diaper to find that her crying s at an ultimate peak to the point that her noise is running. When I deal with her and I am home with her by myself she cries but not to the point that her noise is running and she's ready to have a panic attack. In addition, I guess I often make a comment  like " Well she never does that with me". My husband has mentioned that he does not like that comment because it makes he pissed off , but I feel like sometimes the manner in which he handles her is not appropriate because I see her reaction to him. It is not always the case, but for instance he has this thing he does where he gives me and our daughter sniffs instead kisses. That is his way of showing love. It often annoys me but he says he does it for his own satisfaction. often times it is pretty rough and rubs his beard on our daughter and she immediately cries. I know my daughter doesn't like it because she starts to cry or even puts her hands up and does not lean on him for support as he holds her.

I dont think at this age in particular she needs to be disciplined. It is understandable if she is crawling or walking and is getting into a lil trouble,but I don't believe in disciplining a child this early ( especially not at two months). I believe at such an early age the baby is learning trust and by me soothing her and trying to calm her down is helping her build that trust.  please help..am i doing something wrong....our marriage is on the rocks...b/c this is a  constant argument

 
April 20, 2007, 2:06 pm CDT

Your Parenting Style

Quote From: aasare01

I have no idea what to do! I recently gave birth to a beautiful newborn girl ( and also recently married) and me and my husband have been arguing over the fact that I am very overprotective with my daughter even when it comes to him.

When I gave birth, i had the luxury of having my mother came and stay with us for a month to help me adjust with having a newborn in the house. I took a maternity leave of three months to take of the baby especially since I was breastfeeding. My mom assisted with the chores aroudn the house i.e cooking, some cleaning,etc. My husband also assisted but for the most part he was working the third shift ( 11pm-7am) leaving him very tired because he has never worked this shift before, so his time at home was left getting some sleep. Nevertheless, since I was breastfeeding, I was for the most part taking care of the baby because she was getting her nourishment from me and I obviously was the one with more time on my hands. My mom left after a month and reality set in for the both of us. I for the most part do not leave the house because my husband says its not safe to take the baby out blah, blah, blah. [Side note: I had also spent a large part of my pregnancy working full-time/finishing off my master's full time from sept to dec, i gave birth  in february

Anyways, sorry for jumping around, I have grown accoustomed to the way I have handled my daughter since she was born. I have learned that she is a very good baby and only cries when she needs something, so for the most part when she cries, I pick her up to see if she is hungry or wet and attempt to calm her down any chance I can get because there is no reason to let her crying get out of hand if I believe that I have solved her want i.e food , wet diaper. I feel like over the months I have learned what my daughter wants and needs and even figured out what her different  cries me. i feel like at this point in her development i know her best. i feel she takes to me at times more than her father. My husband feels like i am too overprotective of her, especially when she is with him.There may be some truth to this statement only because my husband believes by me pampering her, calming her down when she cries, always wanting to see how she is doing or the reason behind why she is crying is making her a spoiled baby. He believes by not rocking her when she cries, not calming her down when she cries to be changed or for whatever reason is creating a STRONG-MINDED baby, who wil nto throw tantrums, learn to stop crying on their own with out being rocked or talked to. He even wants to give her a lil tap on the bum if she cries a little bit. He says as long as he picks her up, the baby should know to stop crying because I am not ignoring her. I don't believe in that.  I believe that my version of parenting, in soothing her talking with her calms her down quicker than just standing there and wait for her to calm down on her own. I often walk in as he changes her diaper to find that her crying s at an ultimate peak to the point that her noise is running. When I deal with her and I am home with her by myself she cries but not to the point that her noise is running and she's ready to have a panic attack. In addition, I guess I often make a comment  like " Well she never does that with me". My husband has mentioned that he does not like that comment because it makes he pissed off , but I feel like sometimes the manner in which he handles her is not appropriate because I see her reaction to him. It is not always the case, but for instance he has this thing he does where he gives me and our daughter sniffs instead kisses. That is his way of showing love. It often annoys me but he says he does it for his own satisfaction. often times it is pretty rough and rubs his beard on our daughter and she immediately cries. I know my daughter doesn't like it because she starts to cry or even puts her hands up and does not lean on him for support as he holds her.

I dont think at this age in particular she needs to be disciplined. It is understandable if she is crawling or walking and is getting into a lil trouble,but I don't believe in disciplining a child this early ( especially not at two months). I believe at such an early age the baby is learning trust and by me soothing her and trying to calm her down is helping her build that trust.  please help..am i doing something wrong....our marriage is on the rocks...b/c this is a  constant argument

i think you should certainly pick your daughter up to comfort her when she cries, or to take care of her. you can not pamper a baby too much untill they are 6 months old. i don't know what is the real line, but that is way under it. babys can't make the link i'm crying, so mommy picks me up yet. they cannot be disciplined yet. if you don't pick her up, she'll think i'm hungry!!!! or whatever. and she is left alone. my advice, always pick your baby up, and take care of her, but make sure that you don't do it anymore, if she get's the fact that if she cries, she gets picked up. you should let your husband have is own things with your baby, and she won't die if she has to wait  minute, but make sure he isn't letting her wait half an hour. about him rubbing his beard in her face, of course she doesn't like it, it hurts!! baby skin, is very thin and soft, so they are way more sensitive. try getting him to rub his beard over a soft place of his own skin, and he'll know it isn't nice.

 
April 26, 2007, 1:26 pm CDT

I can relate

Quote From: anniecea

My son is 13 months old and is full of personality. Compared to my sisters baby who is 17 days older than chancey (my son) he is a really good baby but when he doesn't get his way he shows out and I mean bad! kicking, screaming, and crying. He throws his body backwards onto the hard floor hitting his head, or if I'm holding him he'll throw his upper body side to side almost fallin himself out of my arms. When I go to change his diaper he kicks me and tries to turn over on his stomach. I have to fource him to be still just so I can put a diaper on him. I've tried popping him on the butt, ignoring him while he screams ,and I've even put him in his room to let him cry it out so he want upset other people in the house who are tring to watch t.v. or eat dinner. His temper is so bad I hate to take him to friends houses because I'm not sure how to deciplin him. Got any advice? 

    My son is almost 8 months old and he to has started acting out with tantrums.  He also throws his head or upper body backwards when you are not expecting it which has led to his head hitting the floor.  Changing the diaper and doing the ole "flip over" deal in which in order to change that diaper you need the help of a second person.  I have witnessed him getting mad and doing what could be seen as angry/frustrated behavior, for example he will give out a scream which sounds angry, and his arms will move about as if hes frustrated or mad, I was putting it off as maybe hes teething but I should probably consider the probability that he is expressing himself,  and if this is the case,  he needs to learn now while he is still little that this is not an appropriate way of expressing oneself.  So after reading a reply from one reader they suggested ignoring the behavior completely and this would show that basically acting this way will get no response from anyone so they will stop.  I am going to give it a try

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
April 28, 2007, 6:49 am CDT

Could someone give me their opinion..

Here's the situation...I'm in a long-distance relationship, 400 mi..for 8 mos. now..My b/f has a daughter, that's 24, married, with 1 child..His daughter left her husband, and moved back with her dad..(in a different state)...this was about the time I first met him...He was allowing her to live there, till she got back on her feet...He and I went to Stateline...My b/f has ALWAYS gotten phone calls, from ALL his family..and usually, he just talks and talks..while, I just sit there..or IF we're shopping, he'll just talk there too..leaving me to shop alone..now, IF I lived there maybe it wouldn't be bad..but, I live so far away..that it's impossible, to see one another very long...Anyway, I ask him if he could turn his phone off for at least part of the time..so, he did..while we were out in the casino, eating dinner, listening to music, etc. etc..when we got back to our room, I said if he wanted to check his messages..(as he also has a 11 yr old daughter as well)...when he did, he received several calls, that was balling him out..for turning his phone off...she even left a message on the hotel's phone...I hadn't even met her yet, and she said she wanted to ball me out as well...and for NO reason...she even had her g/f call, and do the same..the daughter said, 'she didn't care IF I were there'...the g/f said, "she'd like to ball me out too"...so, this is the first thing that happen...then, I spent 6 wks. with him....his daughter calls several times a day...(she's on her own by then) and HER husband came, to work things out with her...they were living out of hotels..they BOTH can't seem to hold down a job..goes from one to another..the daughter and her husband both said FU to my b/f...the daughter calls her dad at work, leaving a message "answer your f....phone"...he let her use his truck, and called in the morning to say he's going to switch and give her his car for awhile..to get the truck cleaned up..(she's very messy)...he said we'd be there that evening....we even had to leave this shop, so we can be there when he said we would...all to have her, not even cleaned it out..so, we had to stand out in the freezing weather, for her to clean it..and I was even sick!  then once, she wanted to wash clothes at his house..(he was working, and I was alone there)...trying to relax from all that she does...at first I wanted her to just go to the laundry mat...but, changed my mind..and drove to her work, to give her the keys so she can wash them...well, she never came..and never said thank-you...she would come over uninvited, banging on the door...even coming to the bedroom window, pounding on it..at 10 pm...the list goes on and on...He finally decided he had to do 'tough love' with her...no contact...he tells her he loves her ALL THE TIME...and when she calls, it's only for money...Do you think this is the way to handle this situation?  Because, HIS ex (whom is NOT the mother of this child) said she didn't like how we handled things...she buts into EVERYTHING...and my b/f says, 'well I did tell her to but out'..what does one do, IF the ex doesn't want to but out..?  What can be done about that?  His ex even told him that OUR relationshp is NOT appropriate..because, we're not married...and that he focusing way too much on me, and not God...Can anyone give me some advice..  thanks  Dee
 
June 1, 2007, 2:16 pm CDT

Having a relationship with my older children

HI, I am currently trying to get a happier life with my children, unfortunately I have the head knowledge but my heart is not working with knowledge.   I have 3 children from my first marriage which was very disfunctional, I did abandon my children for their lives for a period of years from doing drugs with their father to living on my own and letting their father raise them for a while.  This created alot of scares on the children and guilt on me.  I have tried and believe I have dealt witth the guilt but I keep going backwards when the children ask me for  money.  I want to help but everytime I do it gets worse and is never appreciated.  My oldest daughter who works for me as my husband and I own a business.  Serena runs it and both my husband and I work at full time jobs. She does a great job and has made the business what it is today.  In saying that she lives with a man that is from Grenada does not work as we can see but I have tried to ignore it.  He is not a legal immigrant and we tried to say something and were told it is none of our business and he has applied that is over 6 years this has been going on.  Serena told me last year she married him so I could not deport him which I was not going to do anyway.  Some say I should report him to the authorities other say stay out of it she will only hate you.  She is in a lot of debt all in her name he has nothing in his name.  She has no money saved I pay her a very good wage and she is always broke.  She now wants me to co-sign for a loan for a new car to help her and when I said I had to speak to my husband her step dad she got angyr and said this should be just me saying yes.  I know she is just wanting the car and is not looking at the real picture. I had told her we would talk about it and she said fine but do not tell us how to run our lifes or spend money etc.  We suggested that we would give her an older car with no payments and then she could pay off her debts and when she can afford it she can get her own loan to buy this car.  She said I am being unfair and should help her but she is not surprised as I have not helped her ever.  I just need to know what to say at this point so she can try to understand that it is not the right thing for us to co-sign a loan when she is already in fiancial trouble and this car would be a 37,000.00 loan and even though she is paying for it, it is still on our credit profile until she can afford to take us of.  WE do have alot of other issues in our family but this one I need help on right now.

 

Maggi

 
June 1, 2007, 4:31 pm CDT

Thank you

Quote From: jaimie1974

I understand the weight of guilt. But, you cant allow your guilt to control your life. You are doing the right thing to stop and think about this.

My advice to you is to have a conversation with your daughter- not an argument/fight- but a conversation, as one adult to another. Start off telling her that you are proud of all the hard work she has done, she has made the business what it is today, and that you appreciate her so much. (everyone loves to hear that they are appreciated; we dont hear it enough in our daily lives!) Then, without telling her what she should do, simply tell her that you have thought about co-signing the loan for her, and youve decided that you just cant do it, however, your previous offer is still open. (to buy her a used vehicle, etc.) If she says mean things, dont let her see you cry- she believes that being mean to you is how she can get you to do what she wants. You cant allow her to have that power over you anymore. Although you might go home and cry your eyes out, she doesnt have to know that. You need to make the decision that from this day forward you wont allow your life to be run by guilt. Youve made mistakes but you are a good person; dont let anyone make you believe differently. I understand wanting to help your child; but geez, $37,000 loan?? That is a lot to ask. If it was reasonable, she might have a chance, but she is really asking too much; it sounds like greed to me. Keep your chin up, no matter how much crap she shovels your way, put on a smile and say, sorry you feel that way. Fake it till you make it!

I appreciate your feed back I will do this and see what happens.

My biggest problem is I do show my feelings right away. She called me just after I wrote for help and told me everybody told her they can't believe I will not help her.

'

Maggi

 
June 23, 2007, 7:02 pm CDT

Your Parenting Style

Ok, Here's the scoop. I am a 32 yr. old mother of three. I have a 9 yr old boy. and two girls, 7 and 6 yr olds.I had a very late start at the ""parenting thing"" because I wasn't ready to grow up. I wasn't ready to accept that having a child ment I had to grow up.

I am realizing that your children are the most important thing in your life. That thier future depends, no not depends, has a big part to do with how they are raised and I don't want to screw it up.

Since there was a big part of thier life where i didn't make the best choices , now, My children are wild. I don't know how to get that under control.

Just the other day, (for example, )My 6 yr old poured a whole bottle of conditioner out on the bathroom floor. When i asked her why she did this, She said, " she wanted to go ice skating"

I explained to her that this is not how "big" girls act. these are problems that 3 and 4 yr olds have. Why is my 6 yr old doing this?

We have tryed grounding, spanking, not spanking, talking, counting, time-out, corners, takin toys away,.

I have read almost every parent book out there. but it's like my kids were the 1% of the kids that all of these books didn't work on.

I am open to any and all ideas. Give em to me..............

 

Thank you.

 
First | Prev | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | Next | Last