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Topic : Your Parenting Style

Number of Replies: 142
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:48:44 pm
Author : dataimport
What is your parenting style, and is it meshing with your child's personality? Are you an authoritarian or a permissive parent? And is your child rebellious or passive? There's no magic formula, so use this message board as a tool to define your styles, problem-solve, find support and share ideas.

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August 20, 2007, 3:27 pm CDT

babies bein onrey

Quote From: onemomsfears

    My son is almost 8 months old and he to has started acting out with tantrums.  He also throws his head or upper body backwards when you are not expecting it which has led to his head hitting the floor.  Changing the diaper and doing the ole "flip over" deal in which in order to change that diaper you need the help of a second person.  I have witnessed him getting mad and doing what could be seen as angry/frustrated behavior, for example he will give out a scream which sounds angry, and his arms will move about as if hes frustrated or mad, I was putting it off as maybe hes teething but I should probably consider the probability that he is expressing himself,  and if this is the case,  he needs to learn now while he is still little that this is not an appropriate way of expressing oneself.  So after reading a reply from one reader they suggested ignoring the behavior completely and this would show that basically acting this way will get no response from anyone so they will stop.  I am going to give it a try

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i have twin boys they are three years old and they do the screamin and kickin and just actin onrey. what i have done (by the way the are 3 years old .) anyway what i have taught them is to not act out in public by walkin out of the store and leaving yes they get upset but if u are consistant they will learn. also when we are at home at least once a week they have an all out tantrum. so they have done this since they were little like 1 yr . but i have done this since then i stick them in there room and leave the door creacked u know were if they really wanted the could get out witch from time to time they do. but now its to the point were they know there frustrated and they need alone time so they will start to act out and i tell them okay its alone time and they go in there room on there own now( remember i started this from babies)  they will have there fit and when they are done they will come out.

 

heres step by step what i do

 

1. put screamin child in room/ on floor so as not to damage one self

 

2. shut door till nice size creack

 

3. walk into hallway

 

4. watch were child cant see u

 

5. when child stops ask if he/she is finished

 

6.continue until the fit stops

if starts in public then leave were u are immediatly and explain to child that it is unexeptable to act this way in public. ( if at a friend or family members house repeat  1-5)

 

give this a try i know it sounds crazy but if u keep it up it will work

 

 

 

 

 
August 28, 2007, 10:58 am CDT

Losing my mind

I am a 33 year old mother of 2 teenagers. my daughter is 14, going to be 15 in less than a month. my son just turned 13. My husband is truck driver so he is unable to be here in the home nightly. The kids act great when he is here, but the moment he is gone, all hell breaks loose and havok is upon my household daily.  My daughter is, how can i put this. she constantly tells me to shut up, and that i am constantly acting stupid. she speaks to me as if i was a thug on the street. she has no respect for me whatsoever and no respect for my authority as a parent. she will physically, emotionally and mentally  hurt her brother because he looks at her wrong. my son has ADHD and believe me, my hands are very much full. my son acts like a 2 year old and my daughter thinks she rules everyone. the abuse that i have been dealing with between the two kids fighting all the time and the way my daughter treats me and talks to me on a daily basis has lead me to feel that i am a horrible mother, and where did i go wrong. I am emotionally, mentally and physically drained because of the constant tension and fighting that is in my house.  the raising of my children have not been the way that I see fit, but the way that an outside influence has seen fit. this outside influence has threatened to call CPS as well as the cops if i were to even remotely lay one hand on my kids to discipline them in anyway shape or form. I am not a thug on the street, i am not one of my daughters buddies she hangs out with, but she will continually talk to me as if i was one. When speaking to her, she will begin the attitude with me, tell me that its non of my business, to get out of her room, to leave her alone etc. BUT the moment she wants money or wants something, i am the best mother in the world.  When i do go to discipline her, telling her she is grounded is a joke to her. when i tell her she is grounded, she replies no I'm not, and this is my body and you cant tell me what to do. i get so angry and upset with her as well as my son that i cry on a daily basis, and frankly, i do not want my daughter here no more. i cannot take her abuse on me or my son any more. am i wrong to feel that way? i am beyond my wits end with them, and i have no where else to turn to, i just don't know what to do anymore to make them both see that I am the boss not them, i make the rules, not them, and they have to listen to me and face their consequences when they disobey me and that they cannot continue to run to the outside source that i lay 85% of the blame for the way they are today.  I just don't know what to do anymore, i really don't. i feel so helpless and such a horrible parent. any suggestions on what i might do? Frankly i wish we could just go back to the good ole fashioned spankings and switches off the trees i think our kids today would be a whole lot better than they are now. we had that done, and we are ok..  i am in desperate need of advice. thank you
 
September 2, 2007, 2:45 am CDT

Keep The Faith, I Totally Understand What You're Going Through.

Quote From: mskalia

I am a 33 year old mother of 2 teenagers. my daughter is 14, going to be 15 in less than a month. my son just turned 13. My husband is truck driver so he is unable to be here in the home nightly. The kids act great when he is here, but the moment he is gone, all hell breaks loose and havok is upon my household daily.  My daughter is, how can i put this. she constantly tells me to shut up, and that i am constantly acting stupid. she speaks to me as if i was a thug on the street. she has no respect for me whatsoever and no respect for my authority as a parent. she will physically, emotionally and mentally  hurt her brother because he looks at her wrong. my son has ADHD and believe me, my hands are very much full. my son acts like a 2 year old and my daughter thinks she rules everyone. the abuse that i have been dealing with between the two kids fighting all the time and the way my daughter treats me and talks to me on a daily basis has lead me to feel that i am a horrible mother, and where did i go wrong. I am emotionally, mentally and physically drained because of the constant tension and fighting that is in my house.  the raising of my children have not been the way that I see fit, but the way that an outside influence has seen fit. this outside influence has threatened to call CPS as well as the cops if i were to even remotely lay one hand on my kids to discipline them in anyway shape or form. I am not a thug on the street, i am not one of my daughters buddies she hangs out with, but she will continually talk to me as if i was one. When speaking to her, she will begin the attitude with me, tell me that its non of my business, to get out of her room, to leave her alone etc. BUT the moment she wants money or wants something, i am the best mother in the world.  When i do go to discipline her, telling her she is grounded is a joke to her. when i tell her she is grounded, she replies no I'm not, and this is my body and you cant tell me what to do. i get so angry and upset with her as well as my son that i cry on a daily basis, and frankly, i do not want my daughter here no more. i cannot take her abuse on me or my son any more. am i wrong to feel that way? i am beyond my wits end with them, and i have no where else to turn to, i just don't know what to do anymore to make them both see that I am the boss not them, i make the rules, not them, and they have to listen to me and face their consequences when they disobey me and that they cannot continue to run to the outside source that i lay 85% of the blame for the way they are today.  I just don't know what to do anymore, i really don't. i feel so helpless and such a horrible parent. any suggestions on what i might do? Frankly i wish we could just go back to the good ole fashioned spankings and switches off the trees i think our kids today would be a whole lot better than they are now. we had that done, and we are ok..  i am in desperate need of advice. thank you

Don't beat yourself up over what you're going through, it's not your fault. If you have to cry, try to do your best not to cry in front of them and if you can, Eliminate that outside influence that you mentioned that has been causing you 85% of the blame. You aren't a bad parent, you are just over whelmed and nothing more. You need to do your best to assert yourself with both of your kids but in small steps. I know it sounds like it can't be done but believe me it CAN be done!

 

I'm 42 years old and a step parent to a 17 year old daughter who has been molested, been to Juvenile Prison in Texas and thinks she knows it all but she hasn't a clue as to what is involved in being an adult. There were many times when she lorded over me and once, even physically attacked me too. I changed my way of parenting by being strict in the sense that when I said NO I meant NO and there were no if's and's or but's. I made sure that I was consistent and that I didn't slip and give in to her whims and manipulations. I also made sure that she knew that no matter what, what I say goes and that she was just going to have to live with it because I'm the adult, the mom and the one who feeds and nurtures her and if she didn't like it, she'd have to get a job and pay her own way or just live with what we, her father and I chose to do. I'm not saying that I don't have any problems with her now but now she knows that she can't and that she better not ever try and raise another hand to me ever again. STAY STRONG AND BE FIRM WITH THEM. Don't let them intimidate you and even if you do feel imtimidated, don't let it show. Ask your family general practioner and/or your pediatrician, if there's some other alternative medical and or medicine treatment therapy that you can get for your sons ADHD. If the pediatrician can't help, then try going to parents anonymous and seeking out others who are looking for help with their children too. Another thing you can try to do, is to phone your local WIC Office- Women Infants And Children, ask them if they can give you any advice as to where you could go for help. I agree with you on the old taking a switch from a tree and a good old fashioned spanking too, it did me wonders when I was a kid and it kept me out of a lot of trouble. So hopefully, maybe some of the things I mentioned will be of some help to you, I really and truly hope so because I know you need it and deserve it too. Oh and a few other things....

 

1.Don't let them make you raise your voice in anger and go into a power struggle with them.

2.Don't let them make you angry, no matter what is said to you.

3.Don't let them manipulate you.

4.Don't let them get anything they haven't worked to deserve to get from you.

5.Don't let them use tears to make you cave in to their wants.

6.Don't let that outside influence be a part of what you decide to do with your kids. 

7.Make sure that they know that that outside influence's opinions don't count for anything in your home.

8.What is said in your home to your kids by you, stays in your home, the kids have no say so in the decisions you make regarding them because you're the Mom and that's all that they'll ever need to know.

9.Warn them that if they make any false claims of you physically hitting them or beating them, that they better think long and hard before they do this, calling the police dept. and making up lies can even cause children to get into kidie jail, AKA The Juvenile Atention Center. 

10.Remember, YOU ARE A GOOD PARENT, YOU HAVEN'T ABANDONED THEM YET, RIGHT? That above all shows that you are, so don't listen to any of the BS that they'll throw your way. 

I Wish You Good Luck and take care of yourself.

Sincerely, Hope~ 

 
October 5, 2007, 1:58 pm CDT

Dealing with biological father

I am in total confusion in my situation! I have a 10 year old daughter, and her biological father lives next door to me, literally, next door. I have just recently been remarried, as so has he. Fathers' new wife and father both are the problem I am dealing with. Let me start with the Father. He is a total let down to her. She sees him pulling out with his new family and ask why is she not included. Understanding that she was the center of his world until July of 2005. She has three girls to which my daughter gets along with, only because of her nature. Already had one of them hit her upside the head with a cell phone because a temper tantrum. They have had home health services called on them for an unclean house. Don't know the outcome of that. Except what I see with my own eyes. Dog fecies stacks and stacks of dishes, it stinks, omg it stinks. Someone is always sick over there. Just a couple of weeks ago I have learned that the new wife is bi-polar, maybe the reason why she has lost my kid let alone her own 9 year old. There is no discipline over there. They can't keep a vehicle. When they do have a vehicle the wife runs around. I suspect she is back into drugs. This is what really scares me. I have no p[roof that it is the house, but I never can tell when she is "high." So I never know when I can let her father see her. I don't know how protected she is when she is over there. When I do allow my daughter over there, I visit their home and they are usually in the back room asleep or watching t.v. or who knows. So my questions are just this...Does it sound Like I need to distance her from the situation? With not alot of money, what can I expect the court to say if he disagrees. I have not the money to go through court and really don't want the emotional stress of that too! What are your thoughts of this situation?
 
October 14, 2007, 8:58 pm CDT

How can I be a better mother and mother-in-law

My daughter-in-law feels that since her parents believed that "spare the rod, spoil the child" that this is the way to parent. I have waited until she mentions that she wants to use other options and then I reinforce that opinion.  So I bought her a book that offers alternative discipline when children act out in certain ways. She then advises at the time of receiving the book that spanking was good enough for her, and she would act in certain ways because she feared a spanking. This is how she wants her children to be.

 

My other son has a girlfriend and when they were planning an outing I mentioned that I would enjoy spending that time with them and then the girl has a hissy fit in the background and my son then says that they will have to talk about it and he will let me know.

 

Am I intruding? What is the best thing for me to do?

 

 

 
October 15, 2007, 2:44 am CDT

Your Parenting Style

Quote From: msmelisa

I am in total confusion in my situation! I have a 10 year old daughter, and her biological father lives next door to me, literally, next door. I have just recently been remarried, as so has he. Fathers' new wife and father both are the problem I am dealing with. Let me start with the Father. He is a total let down to her. She sees him pulling out with his new family and ask why is she not included. Understanding that she was the center of his world until July of 2005. She has three girls to which my daughter gets along with, only because of her nature. Already had one of them hit her upside the head with a cell phone because a temper tantrum. They have had home health services called on them for an unclean house. Don't know the outcome of that. Except what I see with my own eyes. Dog fecies stacks and stacks of dishes, it stinks, omg it stinks. Someone is always sick over there. Just a couple of weeks ago I have learned that the new wife is bi-polar, maybe the reason why she has lost my kid let alone her own 9 year old. There is no discipline over there. They can't keep a vehicle. When they do have a vehicle the wife runs around. I suspect she is back into drugs. This is what really scares me. I have no p[roof that it is the house, but I never can tell when she is "high." So I never know when I can let her father see her. I don't know how protected she is when she is over there. When I do allow my daughter over there, I visit their home and they are usually in the back room asleep or watching t.v. or who knows. So my questions are just this...Does it sound Like I need to distance her from the situation? With not alot of money, what can I expect the court to say if he disagrees. I have not the money to go through court and really don't want the emotional stress of that too! What are your thoughts of this situation?
I geniunely believe you already know what you must do - you can either allow this situation to continue or you must change it, and the only way to change it is to either M-O-V-E or turn in the biologial father in for neglect based on the unkept house.
 
October 22, 2007, 12:26 pm CDT

childish father

My husband acts worse than a five-year old. I Have to get his paycheck from him while he is at work or he will bring it home in ones just to annoy me. He spends money on toys for himself and spends no money on our one-month old daughter. He complains about the car because it is not a chevy. It is a newer car so I don't think it should matter. He stays up all night while I'm at work and when I get home and want to sleep, he is asleep and won't get up to care for her. She sleeps all night so I know she isn't keeping him up. What should I do? 
 
October 22, 2007, 1:24 pm CDT

Umm..... DRAMA!!!

Quote From: dee0123

Here's the situation...I'm in a long-distance relationship, 400 mi..for 8 mos. now..My b/f has a daughter, that's 24, married, with 1 child..His daughter left her husband, and moved back with her dad..(in a different state)...this was about the time I first met him...He was allowing her to live there, till she got back on her feet...He and I went to Stateline...My b/f has ALWAYS gotten phone calls, from ALL his family..and usually, he just talks and talks..while, I just sit there..or IF we're shopping, he'll just talk there too..leaving me to shop alone..now, IF I lived there maybe it wouldn't be bad..but, I live so far away..that it's impossible, to see one another very long...Anyway, I ask him if he could turn his phone off for at least part of the time..so, he did..while we were out in the casino, eating dinner, listening to music, etc. etc..when we got back to our room, I said if he wanted to check his messages..(as he also has a 11 yr old daughter as well)...when he did, he received several calls, that was balling him out..for turning his phone off...she even left a message on the hotel's phone...I hadn't even met her yet, and she said she wanted to ball me out as well...and for NO reason...she even had her g/f call, and do the same..the daughter said, 'she didn't care IF I were there'...the g/f said, "she'd like to ball me out too"...so, this is the first thing that happen...then, I spent 6 wks. with him....his daughter calls several times a day...(she's on her own by then) and HER husband came, to work things out with her...they were living out of hotels..they BOTH can't seem to hold down a job..goes from one to another..the daughter and her husband both said FU to my b/f...the daughter calls her dad at work, leaving a message "answer your f....phone"...he let her use his truck, and called in the morning to say he's going to switch and give her his car for awhile..to get the truck cleaned up..(she's very messy)...he said we'd be there that evening....we even had to leave this shop, so we can be there when he said we would...all to have her, not even cleaned it out..so, we had to stand out in the freezing weather, for her to clean it..and I was even sick!  then once, she wanted to wash clothes at his house..(he was working, and I was alone there)...trying to relax from all that she does...at first I wanted her to just go to the laundry mat...but, changed my mind..and drove to her work, to give her the keys so she can wash them...well, she never came..and never said thank-you...she would come over uninvited, banging on the door...even coming to the bedroom window, pounding on it..at 10 pm...the list goes on and on...He finally decided he had to do 'tough love' with her...no contact...he tells her he loves her ALL THE TIME...and when she calls, it's only for money...Do you think this is the way to handle this situation?  Because, HIS ex (whom is NOT the mother of this child) said she didn't like how we handled things...she buts into EVERYTHING...and my b/f says, 'well I did tell her to but out'..what does one do, IF the ex doesn't want to but out..?  What can be done about that?  His ex even told him that OUR relationshp is NOT appropriate..because, we're not married...and that he focusing way too much on me, and not God...Can anyone give me some advice..  thanks  Dee

Dee, I think your whole situation with this man, his children, his Ex, and his DRAMA is honestly not a place you need to be in.  They have been in his life for what, 24 years or so? And he has probably been allowing all of them to behave this way & treat him with disrespect for all of those 24+ years. You have only known him for 8 months. Do you really think you or he can rectify or change 24 years of this type of drama, or suddenly demand respect from these people and actually get it immediately. Honey, they have no respect for him after all these years so they will probably will never have any for you.

That is WAYYYY more drama than I would deal with, especially from people who dont care anything about you. I just think you need to search your soul and honestly ask yourself if your relationship with this guy is worth all the crap that is and probably will continue to come along with him and causing you to be unhappy.

I really hope you can figure all this out. Commit to yourself and your own happiness FIRST!!  

 
May 8, 2008, 7:28 am CDT

last straw

my son has very bad outburst of anger towards his brother and anything in general i have tried talking to him but it doesnt help when he feels angry or depressed he vents out i am scared for him anybody with some advice he is 7 years old....
 
May 21, 2008, 5:50 pm CDT

5 easy steps

Quote From: southafrican

my son has very bad outburst of anger towards his brother and anything in general i have tried talking to him but it doesnt help when he feels angry or depressed he vents out i am scared for him anybody with some advice he is 7 years old....

well my advice is that there are 5 steps to this

step 1: you need to practice what you preach, meaning dont ever raise your voice to him nor smack him. You cant punish your child with a smack for hitting his brother.

step 2: he needs praise for what he does right. Even down to eating his breakfast, let him know constantly that you are proud of him for doing a good thing.

step 3: He needs one on one time with you. Read him a book before he goes to bed or take him somewhere where its just going to be you and him. Talk to him cause he must be feeling a little angry about something, and when you talk to him ask him questions and never let him feel like there is a right or wrong answer. The way he sees things isn't going to be always right but he should be able to tell you anything without worrying about the outcome of what he says. Otherwise he will not comunicate with you.

step 4: Give him options, so if he is going to do something wrong let him know that if he decides to do that he will be punished by being sent to his room, but if he decides to do something eles that is a nice thing to do he will be rewaded. and when i say rewarded i mean not with posetions but with a little "at a boy im proud of you or if you play nicly you can keep playing"  this will not only improve his behavior but it will make him confident in his decisions and want to do the right thing so that he is proud of himself.

step 5: be consistant, dont back down make it so that there is one punishment for doing such and such wrong for eg. if he cant play nicely he cant play at all so send him to his room and pay no attention to him at all. After a while when he has calmed down he can try playing again and if he goes back and does it again he gets that same punishment again and make the punishment really boring. Punishment is not something that can be negotiated but always give him 1 warning first and then if he keeps it up he is in his room. But he cant leave his room unless you have given him permision and explained to him the options he had when decided to do that and how next time he could handle it in another way. 

Hope this helps, dont worry you can do it!

 
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