Topic : Your Parenting Style

Number of Replies: 141
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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:48:44 pm
Author : dataimport
What is your parenting style, and is it meshing with your child's personality? Are you an authoritarian or a permissive parent? And is your child rebellious or passive? There's no magic formula, so use this message board as a tool to define your styles, problem-solve, find support and share ideas.

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October 15, 2007, 2:44 am PDT

Your Parenting Style

Quote From: msmelisa

I am in total confusion in my situation! I have a 10 year old daughter, and her biological father lives next door to me, literally, next door. I have just recently been remarried, as so has he. Fathers' new wife and father both are the problem I am dealing with. Let me start with the Father. He is a total let down to her. She sees him pulling out with his new family and ask why is she not included. Understanding that she was the center of his world until July of 2005. She has three girls to which my daughter gets along with, only because of her nature. Already had one of them hit her upside the head with a cell phone because a temper tantrum. They have had home health services called on them for an unclean house. Don't know the outcome of that. Except what I see with my own eyes. Dog fecies stacks and stacks of dishes, it stinks, omg it stinks. Someone is always sick over there. Just a couple of weeks ago I have learned that the new wife is bi-polar, maybe the reason why she has lost my kid let alone her own 9 year old. There is no discipline over there. They can't keep a vehicle. When they do have a vehicle the wife runs around. I suspect she is back into drugs. This is what really scares me. I have no p[roof that it is the house, but I never can tell when she is "high." So I never know when I can let her father see her. I don't know how protected she is when she is over there. When I do allow my daughter over there, I visit their home and they are usually in the back room asleep or watching t.v. or who knows. So my questions are just this...Does it sound Like I need to distance her from the situation? With not alot of money, what can I expect the court to say if he disagrees. I have not the money to go through court and really don't want the emotional stress of that too! What are your thoughts of this situation?
I geniunely believe you already know what you must do - you can either allow this situation to continue or you must change it, and the only way to change it is to either M-O-V-E or turn in the biologial father in for neglect based on the unkept house.
 
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October 15, 2007, 10:31 am PDT

bio dad

Quote From: msmelisa

I am in total confusion in my situation! I have a 10 year old daughter, and her biological father lives next door to me, literally, next door. I have just recently been remarried, as so has he. Fathers' new wife and father both are the problem I am dealing with. Let me start with the Father. He is a total let down to her. She sees him pulling out with his new family and ask why is she not included. Understanding that she was the center of his world until July of 2005. She has three girls to which my daughter gets along with, only because of her nature. Already had one of them hit her upside the head with a cell phone because a temper tantrum. They have had home health services called on them for an unclean house. Don't know the outcome of that. Except what I see with my own eyes. Dog fecies stacks and stacks of dishes, it stinks, omg it stinks. Someone is always sick over there. Just a couple of weeks ago I have learned that the new wife is bi-polar, maybe the reason why she has lost my kid let alone her own 9 year old. There is no discipline over there. They can't keep a vehicle. When they do have a vehicle the wife runs around. I suspect she is back into drugs. This is what really scares me. I have no p[roof that it is the house, but I never can tell when she is "high." So I never know when I can let her father see her. I don't know how protected she is when she is over there. When I do allow my daughter over there, I visit their home and they are usually in the back room asleep or watching t.v. or who knows. So my questions are just this...Does it sound Like I need to distance her from the situation? With not alot of money, what can I expect the court to say if he disagrees. I have not the money to go through court and really don't want the emotional stress of that too! What are your thoughts of this situation?
How likely is it that he would actually go to court? Not very likely; he cannot even clean his home or keep a vehicle. Yes, you should distance her. Unless her father is participating in a very specific activity that will have one on one contact with her, outside of his home, it simply isn’t healthy for her to be there.
Your daughter has been blessed with a gentle nature. Don’t allow her to be taken advantage of by her three stepsiblings nor emotionally abused by her biological father. Don’t be scared of what his reaction will be- who cares- you are her mom and you need to protect her. Document incidences when you believe the stepmother is high and when the home is discussing, etc. just in case you need to show a record of that information. You ask what can you expect the court to say if her biological father disagrees with you distancing her; this is what will happen: the court will issue an order for a guardian ad-litum. This means they will send out a person to interview the father, step mother and the children, as well as inspect the home. Chances are they will agree with you. I wish you the very best- always do what is best and right for your child!
 
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October 22, 2007, 12:26 pm PDT

childish father

My husband acts worse than a five-year old. I Have to get his paycheck from him while he is at work or he will bring it home in ones just to annoy me. He spends money on toys for himself and spends no money on our one-month old daughter. He complains about the car because it is not a chevy. It is a newer car so I don't think it should matter. He stays up all night while I'm at work and when I get home and want to sleep, he is asleep and won't get up to care for her. She sleeps all night so I know she isn't keeping him up. What should I do? 
 
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October 22, 2007, 1:24 pm PDT

Umm..... DRAMA!!!

Quote From: dee0123

Here's the situation...I'm in a long-distance relationship, 400 mi..for 8 mos. now..My b/f has a daughter, that's 24, married, with 1 child..His daughter left her husband, and moved back with her dad..(in a different state)...this was about the time I first met him...He was allowing her to live there, till she got back on her feet...He and I went to Stateline...My b/f has ALWAYS gotten phone calls, from ALL his family..and usually, he just talks and talks..while, I just sit there..or IF we're shopping, he'll just talk there too..leaving me to shop alone..now, IF I lived there maybe it wouldn't be bad..but, I live so far away..that it's impossible, to see one another very long...Anyway, I ask him if he could turn his phone off for at least part of the time..so, he did..while we were out in the casino, eating dinner, listening to music, etc. etc..when we got back to our room, I said if he wanted to check his messages..(as he also has a 11 yr old daughter as well)...when he did, he received several calls, that was balling him out..for turning his phone off...she even left a message on the hotel's phone...I hadn't even met her yet, and she said she wanted to ball me out as well...and for NO reason...she even had her g/f call, and do the same..the daughter said, 'she didn't care IF I were there'...the g/f said, "she'd like to ball me out too"...so, this is the first thing that happen...then, I spent 6 wks. with him....his daughter calls several times a day...(she's on her own by then) and HER husband came, to work things out with her...they were living out of hotels..they BOTH can't seem to hold down a job..goes from one to another..the daughter and her husband both said FU to my b/f...the daughter calls her dad at work, leaving a message "answer your f....phone"...he let her use his truck, and called in the morning to say he's going to switch and give her his car for awhile..to get the truck cleaned up..(she's very messy)...he said we'd be there that evening....we even had to leave this shop, so we can be there when he said we would...all to have her, not even cleaned it out..so, we had to stand out in the freezing weather, for her to clean it..and I was even sick!  then once, she wanted to wash clothes at his house..(he was working, and I was alone there)...trying to relax from all that she does...at first I wanted her to just go to the laundry mat...but, changed my mind..and drove to her work, to give her the keys so she can wash them...well, she never came..and never said thank-you...she would come over uninvited, banging on the door...even coming to the bedroom window, pounding on it..at 10 pm...the list goes on and on...He finally decided he had to do 'tough love' with her...no contact...he tells her he loves her ALL THE TIME...and when she calls, it's only for money...Do you think this is the way to handle this situation?  Because, HIS ex (whom is NOT the mother of this child) said she didn't like how we handled things...she buts into EVERYTHING...and my b/f says, 'well I did tell her to but out'..what does one do, IF the ex doesn't want to but out..?  What can be done about that?  His ex even told him that OUR relationshp is NOT appropriate..because, we're not married...and that he focusing way too much on me, and not God...Can anyone give me some advice..  thanks  Dee

Dee, I think your whole situation with this man, his children, his Ex, and his DRAMA is honestly not a place you need to be in.  They have been in his life for what, 24 years or so? And he has probably been allowing all of them to behave this way & treat him with disrespect for all of those 24+ years. You have only known him for 8 months. Do you really think you or he can rectify or change 24 years of this type of drama, or suddenly demand respect from these people and actually get it immediately. Honey, they have no respect for him after all these years so they will probably will never have any for you.

That is WAYYYY more drama than I would deal with, especially from people who dont care anything about you. I just think you need to search your soul and honestly ask yourself if your relationship with this guy is worth all the crap that is and probably will continue to come along with him and causing you to be unhappy.

I really hope you can figure all this out. Commit to yourself and your own happiness FIRST!!  

 
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May 8, 2008, 7:28 am PDT

last straw

my son has very bad outburst of anger towards his brother and anything in general i have tried talking to him but it doesnt help when he feels angry or depressed he vents out i am scared for him anybody with some advice he is 7 years old....
 
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May 21, 2008, 5:50 pm PDT

5 easy steps

Quote From: southafrican

my son has very bad outburst of anger towards his brother and anything in general i have tried talking to him but it doesnt help when he feels angry or depressed he vents out i am scared for him anybody with some advice he is 7 years old....

well my advice is that there are 5 steps to this

step 1: you need to practice what you preach, meaning dont ever raise your voice to him nor smack him. You cant punish your child with a smack for hitting his brother.

step 2: he needs praise for what he does right. Even down to eating his breakfast, let him know constantly that you are proud of him for doing a good thing.

step 3: He needs one on one time with you. Read him a book before he goes to bed or take him somewhere where its just going to be you and him. Talk to him cause he must be feeling a little angry about something, and when you talk to him ask him questions and never let him feel like there is a right or wrong answer. The way he sees things isn't going to be always right but he should be able to tell you anything without worrying about the outcome of what he says. Otherwise he will not comunicate with you.

step 4: Give him options, so if he is going to do something wrong let him know that if he decides to do that he will be punished by being sent to his room, but if he decides to do something eles that is a nice thing to do he will be rewaded. and when i say rewarded i mean not with posetions but with a little "at a boy im proud of you or if you play nicly you can keep playing"  this will not only improve his behavior but it will make him confident in his decisions and want to do the right thing so that he is proud of himself.

step 5: be consistant, dont back down make it so that there is one punishment for doing such and such wrong for eg. if he cant play nicely he cant play at all so send him to his room and pay no attention to him at all. After a while when he has calmed down he can try playing again and if he goes back and does it again he gets that same punishment again and make the punishment really boring. Punishment is not something that can be negotiated but always give him 1 warning first and then if he keeps it up he is in his room. But he cant leave his room unless you have given him permision and explained to him the options he had when decided to do that and how next time he could handle it in another way. 

Hope this helps, dont worry you can do it!

 
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May 21, 2008, 6:28 pm PDT

support her

Quote From: msmelisa

I am in total confusion in my situation! I have a 10 year old daughter, and her biological father lives next door to me, literally, next door. I have just recently been remarried, as so has he. Fathers' new wife and father both are the problem I am dealing with. Let me start with the Father. He is a total let down to her. She sees him pulling out with his new family and ask why is she not included. Understanding that she was the center of his world until July of 2005. She has three girls to which my daughter gets along with, only because of her nature. Already had one of them hit her upside the head with a cell phone because a temper tantrum. They have had home health services called on them for an unclean house. Don't know the outcome of that. Except what I see with my own eyes. Dog fecies stacks and stacks of dishes, it stinks, omg it stinks. Someone is always sick over there. Just a couple of weeks ago I have learned that the new wife is bi-polar, maybe the reason why she has lost my kid let alone her own 9 year old. There is no discipline over there. They can't keep a vehicle. When they do have a vehicle the wife runs around. I suspect she is back into drugs. This is what really scares me. I have no p[roof that it is the house, but I never can tell when she is "high." So I never know when I can let her father see her. I don't know how protected she is when she is over there. When I do allow my daughter over there, I visit their home and they are usually in the back room asleep or watching t.v. or who knows. So my questions are just this...Does it sound Like I need to distance her from the situation? With not alot of money, what can I expect the court to say if he disagrees. I have not the money to go through court and really don't want the emotional stress of that too! What are your thoughts of this situation?
i think all you need to do is show your daughter what is wrong and what is right. What i mean is give her some morals and let her figure out what kind of goals she wants for her future. What you need to do is not preach to her about what they do over there but let her know that there are better ways of life and she is more than capable of doing anything as long as she puts her mind to it. Teach her self respect and teach her to focus on better things than that. Let her know that she is wonderful and she doesn't need her bio father to take her places or include her with anything cause she has got you and you are proud of who she is and you love her and you are priveliged to have her as your daughter. So when they do something like going on a family day without her take her somewhere like the park or fishing and constantly let her know that she is blessed to have a man like you as a father who loves her more than anything in the world and would do absolutely anything for her. Let her know that her bio father doesn't think about how she feels when he does some things because some people are just that way in kind, but it doesn't mean that she is not important.
 
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June 1, 2008, 1:42 pm PDT

candy and children

Okay, I have 5 kids that I am raising with my husband, 3 are not biologically mine but they live with us daily.  My husband and I recently moved closer to his family and ever since his family ie(mother and sister) will not stop telling us how to raise our children.  The issue is I do not provide my children with sweet food ie(candy, ice cream, etc) daily.  They get these items maybe once or twice a week.  His family feels that we should have a cabinet or drawer full of candy for the children to get atleast once a day.  Are we doing something wrong not allowing the children to eat sweets all the time?

 
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June 2, 2008, 9:19 am PDT

drawer full of sweets

Quote From: trizzyd02

Okay, I have 5 kids that I am raising with my husband, 3 are not biologically mine but they live with us daily.  My husband and I recently moved closer to his family and ever since his family ie(mother and sister) will not stop telling us how to raise our children.  The issue is I do not provide my children with sweet food ie(candy, ice cream, etc) daily.  They get these items maybe once or twice a week.  His family feels that we should have a cabinet or drawer full of candy for the children to get atleast once a day.  Are we doing something wrong not allowing the children to eat sweets all the time?

You are not doing anything wrong! The reason these people ‘want’ you to have a drawer full of this stuff is probably because that is what they have done or do with their own children. To make their own actions justified, they ‘insist’ that others do it, too. Don’t believe for a second that it is ‘right’ to have a drawer full of sugary stuff for the kids! They need and their bodies DESERVE healthy, nutritious snacks. Of course they can have sugar/candy/sweets sometimes, too- but it isn’t necessary to have that daily. Think about their overall health, from their emotional well being (sugar gives that high and then “crash” that feels terrible) to their teeth right on down; nutritious snacks are the way to go. Don’t allow other people in your life to cause you to question the way that you and your husband parent. When people put in their two cents, all you have to say is something like, “thank you for your concern, but we’ll be fine…” or “I appreciate your advice..” that is all you need to say. You don’t have to explain where you are coming from, etc., because chances are they won’t get it anyway. I wish you the best!
 
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July 19, 2008, 7:10 pm PDT

Do good fences make good neighbors?

We desperately need some advice in a recent matter.

We got a climber/slide for our 20 month old son, and put it in our small front yard, that is sorrounded with fence. The neighbor's son, who is 3 years old, came to the fence, looking very interested in the slide. His mom followed him, and finally both of them were standing in front of the house, outside the gate. I felt that they wanted to get in. I went through agony, standing in my yard, and did not invite them in. I tell you why (and my reasons do not justify why I didn't do it, only I tell them as facts).

I am not American. I have been here for only a few years.
I don't know the neighbors very well , and what I know about that family is not very good.

I wouldn't want them to get used to coming here anytime they want, and don't want to get involved in their troubles. I generally prefer to keep a certain distance from people .

At the same time I feel REALLY bad, because of the child. He is only a child. He cannot help who his parents are. He just wants to play.

(The mother wanted to get a slide for her son, after she saw ours, I even helped him somehow, but she didn't use my help).

Now I feel that the mother is hurt and angry with me (partly I can understand, I am a mother too), it seems to me that they don't want to come outside when we are in the yard, and when we see each other I feel a very bad vibe. Do I feel this becuase of my guilty conscience?

What should we do next time this happens (they are standing at the gate)?

We wish we knew what Dr. Phil would say about this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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