Topic : Your Parenting Style

I think 1-2-3 is great....IF you use it right! Recently, I witnessed a mom at a grocery store counting. She reached 1, then 2. The child blithely kept misbehaving. She waited a bit then said, 2 1/2!! Kid didn't stop. Then she said 3!! And the kid grew a halo and stopped. Then the mom said, "good, now don't do it again."  

  

I encountered them again on my journey down the aisles and, what do you know! Kid's at it again, and the mom counts fresh from 1. 

  

When you reach 3, that's IT. Game over, man. If you use 1-2-3, be prepared to ACT once you reach three. The idea is that the kid stops BEFORE three. Otherwise it's just another lame empty threat. 

  

I'm more like jettav. I say ONCE, then I act. My son is 1, and tests limits a lot. I am always consistent, because I feel that this age is crucial. If I am on top of him now, it will make 2 and 3 that much easier. Even now, people remark how well behaved he is. If I say, No, he will usually stop, unless he's a tired grump. But when he doesn't stop, he knows Mom's not afraid to pick his little diapered bum up and carry him away and stick to her guns! 

  

I guess I'm more Authoritative, at least now. 1,2,3 year olds have no business negotiating or being included in a "democracy". When they are a little older, then I will be more apt to discuss the "whys" of my discipline, but no may still mean no. I think lots of parents have the order reversed, they want the Democracy right away when their kids are toddlers. Then they realize their kids are out of control, and try to become Authoritarian during the preschool years, but the kids don't take them seriously anymore. Do it in the right order, it's MUCH easier. 

I have a feeling you are a mom who "does too much". Excluding the two year old, try letting your older three experience the consequences of being lazy and forgetful in the real world. They are old enough. Maybe they forget an assignment and get in trouble with the teacher. And, perhaps if they get poor grades, you can take away a privelege, like no sleepovers at Jon's house, or no extra-curricular activities until grades improve.  

  

It sounds like they are too used to you being their "brains"- memory, reminders and day planner, etc.  

  

And with the home issues, stop yelling, but instead think about all the things that irk you about their behaviors. THEN, think of each boy and what they would be devastated at if they lost a privelege (Maybe one son loves video games, maybe the other likes something else.) 

  

If they ignore you, do not yell. Just immediately enforce the consequences. No TV, or whatever, for X time. And STICK to it. With 4 boys and no father around during the day, you have to play hardball and earn back your respect. If they think they can walk all over Mom, they might. I don't think it's malicious or anything, but kids, even good ones, will often go to the "pushover" parent to get their wants gratified or get away with something. 

  

And don't feel guilty about administering consequences. THEY did it to THEMSELVES, when they mouthed off or neglected their responsibilities. 

I agree with you and though it may not always be easy, as I know there are times when I just don't feel like dealing with anything, but I as the parent have to be persistent and consistent when it comes to my children. Just this morning, my 4 year old and I were sort of buttin heads and she was definetly not my sweet little girl who usually gets up excitedly to go to preschool, this morning, she was pushing some buttons and I looked at her and said, you need to stop what you are doing, or you will get a swat on the bottom, she looked at me, and though she thought about it for a few seconds, came over and hugged me and apologized. We then discussed the issue and everything was fine and she went to school a happy little girl and I certainly had a better rest of the morning. Now, I could have kept arguing with her or gave in to her demands but that wasn't about to happen and I think she has learned that there are just some things that I am not going to deal with in our home. It really does not take a child long to learn the boundaries within their environment, they learn very quickly what they can and cannot get away with and they will definetly test a person if aloud to. We certainly have our moments inour home but for the most part, it is pretty eaasy around here and that is a nice feeling.

   I am a mother of three a  14 year old girl, and two boys 6, 11. I work days and my husband works nights. We have a pretty good thing going. I get up with the children starting at 5:45 and my husband is just going to bed. I get the children ready for school and then I go to work or school depending on the day. I work a full time job and I attend school also. I do a little bit of subbing on the side when I get a call. I usually leave the house at 7:45am to go to work and I may not return till after 7:30pm due to my classes.  Thanks to my husband for doing homework with the children and  most of the cooking and  cleaning during the week . I would not be able to do  what I do.On the  weekends I cook and clean and spend time with the children.. I used to be the one doing it all. One day while the kids was in school. I decided to go back to school and work on a degree. I knew it would be hard but we have managed now for about two years and I still have about a year to go. I Do depend on my husband for more than I did. He works with me now because he knows in the future I will be able to help him when I get my degree. I waited till my children were able to do for themselve some. I did not want to leave them without someone at home when they return from school. So I am very lucky to have someone who will help me out.  I just wanted to let moms know that good things will come to you even when things do not look good. Just have hope and faith and everything will turn out all right.

I know my husband and I are good parents to our 13 and 10-yr old boys and 7 yr old princess simply because we love them so much it hurts and continually question ourselves to search for and hopefully correct the flaws we see.  And there are some aspects to our parenting that I wouldn't change for the world, like: not being afraid to apologize when we screw up (a hard thing for kids is realizing mom & dad ain't perfect anymore) and not being afraid to show simple affection and say "I love you" too much.  But here's what does worry me:  my husband's style can be and has been classified as authoritarian - i.e. he's a drill seargant.  Hence, I am very easily persuaded to be the permissive parent, I guess to try and compensate for where I feel my husband is failing or lacking.  However, I know this is most definitely what NOT to do, so I'm trying to be on top of that.  The goals I've set and am working on involve doing everything I can to ensure non-stop communication to avoid our children being disciplined twice, for example and making the consequences for their behavior, positive or negative constant.  The hardest, in my opinion is consistently rewarding the positive because, especially with three kids it's so easy to get into the rut of "Don't", "No" and "Why did you...?".  My poor darlings have missed more weekly allowances than I can count!  I'm glad their not me.  If I'd not been paid once for my job, I'd have given notice... 

 Even though i only have 1 child ( a toddler) I also know how hard this is!  we are a military family and just like you i find that my husband is alot more strict that I am. I think that is the military in him! I truley hope that he will either grow out of this or maybe i can change it.. ( haha...good luck!!) I also believe in rewarding the positive! And it is so hard to continue doing that. Why is it that it always seems easer to go back to only seeing the negative?  I think every family has a softer parent! and maybe it is susposed to be that way! I love the last part of your post!! everyone should read that and think about it!!  Good luck with your parenting!! Its not always easy!!

i feel in the same boat sometimes 

sometimes i feel i am not a good mom to my 7 yr old  

his dad and me were not married and have not been together for years  

he is actually remarried and she is expecting a baby boy in january  

i feel that when he is there he does totally what his dad says  

and when he gets to me he back talks and have to tell him more than once to do something 

i do have a b/f of almost 3 yrs but we do not live together  

sometimes i feel if were all under the same roof it would be different 

does that make sense? 

let me know  

 

  

i would like some advice  

i have a 7yr old son and i am a single mother  

he does see his dad every weekend  

and he does tend to talk back and disobey me  

i know he does not do this to his dad  

and he does not tend to od that when my b/f is over  

any advice here? 

  

I am consistently sad and wonder if adults get that being a parent or any kind of influence in a childs life is directly related to the relationship with that child. I am a mother a two teenage boys and my methods of parenting have continuously been the same; reach their hearts whenever possible and be flexible but firm. I have a job to send my children out in the world prepared to handle lifes conflicts. How they learn to deal with conflicts as children is directly related to how they will handle adult conflicts. Each time we have an issue we sit down and talk about what they are feeling and why they want to do this or that, I give them my feedback and we decide together what will work for our family. I also am clear to the boys that sometimes it will not go their way and am happy to explain why. We have an appeal process, by which they can ask again, as long as it is stated differently and the attempt is made to show me why my decision was incorrect. If I was wrong I am open to changing my decision, but if I feel I made the right decision that is the final word and no more discussion will take place. But all of displine and guidance no matter the issue should be done in a caring way. My kids understand they may not like my decision but it is based on my love and concern for them. They are children but they deserve our respect for their own feelings, also.