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Topic : Your Parenting Style

Number of Replies: 142
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:48:44 pm
Author : dataimport
What is your parenting style, and is it meshing with your child's personality? Are you an authoritarian or a permissive parent? And is your child rebellious or passive? There's no magic formula, so use this message board as a tool to define your styles, problem-solve, find support and share ideas.

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February 17, 2006, 10:12 am CST

family bed

my son will be 6 in 2 weeks and sleeps with us every nite after he goes to bed in his own bed, he can't go to sleep unless I lay down with him til he falls asleep.  he's an only child after several years of infertility treatments and growing so fast, i say he'll outgrow it.  my husband is so upset about this arrangement and wants it stopped, i don't but i am willing to since it is so decisive in our marriage, any ideas on how to stop it? 
 
February 17, 2006, 10:25 am CST

Your Parenting Style

Quote From: tammy7

    I have a 20 year old son and a 18 year old daughter and a 8 year old son all in which live with my husband and myself. I have raised my kids to be thoughtful and considerate of others and just be " GOOD " people. Well since they were born I have done everything for them from washing their clothes , cleaning their rooms and anything you can think of....I do it for them.... . I feel that as a parent I am suposed to be like a slave to them cause I am their Mom and its my job to do it.   I believe that in a sence I have made them   dissrespectful of things and inconsiderate of others and nothing has value to them. I thought I was being a good Mom by doing everything for them but I guess I did the oppisite by not making them appreciate things because to them ....everything is done for them so they dont care about anything. I know they love me but I feel they dont care about me or respect me. I have always put them first even over my husband and myself...Always !! They do what ever they want regardless of what we say cause they know that they are of age and that we cant do anything and they know that we wont kick them out cause we care about them and would worry about them ( excluding the 8 year old ).  My 2 oldest children have in my eyes become selfish and self serving. They hurt me so much and I love them...I dont know what to do. My oldest son is a pot head and my daughter is a selfish brat that always talks back to me. They wont listen to us and I dont know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated.
It sounds like yuo need to start stepping up t the plate and taking control of your home and environment, remember we teach people how to treat us and as long as yuo continue this cycle they will continue to treat you like crap and get a way with it and it will only get worse........I think you need to sit this family down and let have a little talk with them, own your part in this mess and then apologize for not being the parent that you needed for them but now that they are of age, they need to get out on their own, get jobs and get their own apartment, they can get a room mate and maybe even get a place together, it is timet hey act like adults, you do not have to take this from them and again, if you let it continue, you can only blame yuour self. Help them find jobs,w hatever you can but they are adults and they need tolearn some responsibility, you are their paretn not their door mats, it is your home and you and your husband make the rules, not them, set the boundaries and wuit giving in tothem, you are enabling them to be as they are and they know it, they are not going to budge until they have to.
 
February 17, 2006, 7:51 pm CST

Easy one--

Quote From: laflash

my son will be 6 in 2 weeks and sleeps with us every nite after he goes to bed in his own bed, he can't go to sleep unless I lay down with him til he falls asleep.  he's an only child after several years of infertility treatments and growing so fast, i say he'll outgrow it.  my husband is so upset about this arrangement and wants it stopped, i don't but i am willing to since it is so decisive in our marriage, any ideas on how to stop it? 

You can solve this quick and painlessly! 

Dr. Phil has talked about this on his show a few times in the past, and it was just in time for us to deal with our daughter when she was 6. What we did was this: We go to bed a litle early so we can cuddle and read a book together, then she gets tucked in, etc. She would come in to our bed, but instead of just keep allowing it, we took turns walking her back to her bed and tucking her back in. It took more effort but its worth it! I think she has a healthy sense of her own independence, being a 'big girl' and all now that she sleeps in her own bed- and your son will feel the same way. Of course he will be resistant at first, but don't feel sorry for him and give in, because you aren't doing him any favors by giving in! In fact, you are only making it worse when you give in. (Unless he's got a fever or something...) Your child needs and wants limits and boundaries, and its your parental duty to give those to him. Good luck! You can do it! 

 
February 22, 2006, 8:12 am CST

Raising an 18 year old daughter

I have an 18 year old daughter that has driven us over the edge.  Ever since she turned eighteen(2 weeks ago), she feels like she can do what she wants when she wants with no concern as to how we feel about it.  It is affecting the entire family.  Last night was the last straw when she wove this elaborate lie about why she was late coming home.  Well, a friend of ours saw her out and it was not where she said she was.  What;'s funny is that I would have not been upset about where she was if she had just told the truth.  Instead, she always makes up these big lies....that she always gets caught in.  Anyway, this is just one thing in a long list of our disrespectful, uncaring attitude toward us and I told her she had a week to get out.......there is much more but I need some input on how to let go and let her make her own mistakes.....and learn the hard way. 
 
February 22, 2006, 10:38 am CST

Thank you :-)

Quote From: jettav

My daughter just turned 5, something to look forward to? LOL. I don't think I would stress about it. Maybe say something like, well it is something that mommy's and daddy's (or grown up's) do and when you get old enough to understand, We will talk more about it. Also, maybe start watching and listening more as she is playing and interacting with other kids, being that she was on the way home from daycare, evidently she heard the word there, keep your eyes and ears open as kids do play out what they see and will repeat things, not trying to make the day care out being bad or anything, just remember kids comprehend more then we think they do and they do over hear things and soemtimes walks in on mommy and daddy, but like I said, I wouldn't stress over it.
 Thank you so much for your response.  It's nice to hear another Mom reassuring me not to stress over it.  It's absolutely amazing how such explicit language is everywhere we turn.  Just listening to the radio catches me off guard.  Somedays I feel that my 5 yr. old is 5 going on 16!!!!  Attitude & All :-)  But, thanks again for taking the time to write.  I truly appreciate it :-)
 
March 2, 2006, 6:16 am CST

Don't give up

Quote From: myvoices

I have an 18 year old daughter that has driven us over the edge.  Ever since she turned eighteen(2 weeks ago), she feels like she can do what she wants when she wants with no concern as to how we feel about it.  It is affecting the entire family.  Last night was the last straw when she wove this elaborate lie about why she was late coming home.  Well, a friend of ours saw her out and it was not where she said she was.  What;'s funny is that I would have not been upset about where she was if she had just told the truth.  Instead, she always makes up these big lies....that she always gets caught in.  Anyway, this is just one thing in a long list of our disrespectful, uncaring attitude toward us and I told her she had a week to get out.......there is much more but I need some input on how to let go and let her make her own mistakes.....and learn the hard way. 
Hi, i have raised 2 boys and 1 girl and I have made plenty of mistakes. My boys are grown now and are on their own, but we had a lot of problems with them between the ages of 14 and 20. What I learned is that arguments that include yelling and accusing got us absolutely nowhere. They would close up and offer no communication and we would wind up frustrated and making harsh decisions that we later regretted. The truth is that at the age of 18, your daughter is a legal adult in most states even if she isn't an emotional adult yet. There are limits to what you can do, but you can insist that if she wants to make her own decisions as an adult would do, then she must bear the responsibilities of an adult. Stop paying for anything she has. Cell phone, computer, food, shelter, car, all of these things she must now assume responsibility for, and if she won't, then its time for her to find a place of her own. For your own sanity, I wouldn't throw her out with no where to go, but I would make arrangments for her, maybe a halfway house or a ymca or something like that and then give her a choice. Either pay your own way at home and resume the responsibilities of an adult, or move out of the home and do it. Either way, just claiming that you are an adult is not enough, you have to live it. Then, let her do it. Even if it looks like she is making a large mistake, as long as it isn't life threatening like drugs or alcohol, you have to let her do it on her own. As hard as that is for good parents, and I think you are a good parent, it is the best way of showing your love for her, although it will take her a few years to realize that.
 
March 4, 2006, 6:11 pm CST

I finally found something that works for my kids

I just wanted to share with you what I found that works with my kids in order to get them to clean up their room and do their homework, practice on good manners, eat all of their dinner, brush their teeth, and help out around the house. This is working great with my 4 and 6 y/o. Not sure about teenagers though. I made up a sheet of all the things I want them to do each day. Each time they do one of the things listed, they earn points/ fake money. When they get enough money saved by doing these things each day, they then get to buy a reward out of our reward box. each night. I ordered alot of small surprises from Oriental Trading Company and put them in the box. (they are not costly either). I am glad I did this because I get what I want (from them) and they get what surprise they want. Each prize is labeled at different cost, so they have to complete everything in order to get the bigger surprises out of the box. When they act bad or argue, they lose a penny each time out of their savings for the day. By doing this it makes them want to do the things I ask of them so they can earn the money to get a surprise.  Each time they say "thank you" or "please" they earn 5 cent. That is really adding up for them! Their manners have improved alot! Their behavior as well. Just wanted to share the idea with others.
 
March 10, 2006, 10:52 am CST

College Smoocher

My son is 20yo, he has his own apt in college that I pay for. His father stopped helping financially so all expenses fall on me. I pay him over $1500 per month in personal expenses, car/health insurance, etc. Recently I bought him a car and we made a deal that he would get a job to pay part of it ($3000) in two yrs. I put $9k down to help him and so his payments would be low. In two weeks he has spent over $400 in food, gas, and junk. He went to a restaurant and spent $39 in food. Went to the movies and paid for other people's ticket ($30). His room is disgusting, he wont clean it, he has piles of dirty clothes on the floor. ARGH! I dont know what else to do. I told him that if he doesnt get a job I am going to sell the car (I can, I put it in my name also). He has made no attempt to get a job in the last two weeks and today has the nerve to tell me he is going away for the weekend with some friends. He won a 4yr scholarship, doesnt drink, doesnt smoke, good kid but too inmature and too irresponsible with the money. I dont know what else to do to get him to be more responsible. I am out of words. He hears but doesnt listen. He just turns around and does what he wants. I feel that if I sell his car, he wont have transportation, although he has a shuttle that can take him to school and lives right across from it. I feel bad that he wont have money for food but when I give him money he overspends. Is anyone else out there in the same situation?? Help!
 
March 10, 2006, 1:18 pm CST

Your Parenting Style

Quote From: qbanita

My son is 20yo, he has his own apt in college that I pay for. His father stopped helping financially so all expenses fall on me. I pay him over $1500 per month in personal expenses, car/health insurance, etc. Recently I bought him a car and we made a deal that he would get a job to pay part of it ($3000) in two yrs. I put $9k down to help him and so his payments would be low. In two weeks he has spent over $400 in food, gas, and junk. He went to a restaurant and spent $39 in food. Went to the movies and paid for other people's ticket ($30). His room is disgusting, he wont clean it, he has piles of dirty clothes on the floor. ARGH! I dont know what else to do. I told him that if he doesnt get a job I am going to sell the car (I can, I put it in my name also). He has made no attempt to get a job in the last two weeks and today has the nerve to tell me he is going away for the weekend with some friends. He won a 4yr scholarship, doesnt drink, doesnt smoke, good kid but too inmature and too irresponsible with the money. I dont know what else to do to get him to be more responsible. I am out of words. He hears but doesnt listen. He just turns around and does what he wants. I feel that if I sell his car, he wont have transportation, although he has a shuttle that can take him to school and lives right across from it. I feel bad that he wont have money for food but when I give him money he overspends. Is anyone else out there in the same situation?? Help!
Sounds like it is time for him to do some growing up and mom needs to quit catering to him. Remember, we teach people how to treat us and your son knows that you are bailing him out at this point. If you need to give him money, then give him a certain amount and make sure he knows that once it's gone, it's gone until it is time for the next allowance and if he wants extras then he needs to get himself out there and get a job.
 
March 16, 2006, 5:27 pm CST

Allowance....

Three of my children (my youngest one is only 15 months old) do small chores around the home such as keeping their room tidy, making sure their beds are made and dusting. Minimum wage in Canada is $6.95. What my husband and I do is keep track of how long they do their different chores and then they get $7.00 if they've done all their chores. My mother in law thinks that this is a sort of  "child labor", but all I want to do is show my children the value of a dollar from an early age. My parents never taught me the value of money, as a result I was a spoiler brat. My mother in law feels that they're too young to be doing these chores and gives the children money or treats everytime they go to visit. Obviously the problem with this, is the children think that whenever they want something and my husband nor I will get it for them they can just go to Grandma's instead of saving up for it themselves. My husband and I have asked my mother in law not to do this, and recently she has stopped. Now my oldest daughter resents me for it because my mother in law flat out told her "I can't give you any more gifts, because mommy doesn't want me to." Just recently, my daughter has been lying about doing her chores saying that it takes her double as long as anyone else to make her bed etc., just so she can get that extra money. Am I right to ask my mother in law to butt out, or am I being to harsh on my children?
 
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