Topic : Your Parenting Style

to be honest with u, i use my mums parenting styles as a "how not to parent".  i learn from her mistakes she made with myself and my 2 brothers.  don't get me wrong though, she's always there for me, but she's not a good parent.

i self help heaps, web sites, books etc.  mostly dr phil actually.  i appreciate his bluntness and honesty.  he gets me thinking about a whole new side of things i hadn't thought about b4.

these forums are greaat for advice i think, we all help eachother out.

Thanks Hillsmum.

Thought I was on "ignore".   

I also use my Mother's style as "what not to do".   She was not a good Mom to me nor any better with our Sons.   There are times that I could use a resource when something comes up and I'm asking "why" our children are doing  'X'.

 

 

 

now that my girls are getting older, i'm finding it easier to relate to their ages.  i can think back to what i felt at the same age, and how i wanted to be treated.  using that and my own parenting values, most of the time i can work out the real issue without all the fuss.  most times though, lol.  my girls may be just like me, (so i've been told)  but they are grwoing up faster, with different thought process. 

i find it so helpful to compare my parenting styles with others.

You sound exausted...I think one strategy would be to take better care of yourself, regain your inner strength....then deal with the kids...with a more hopeful attitude.  I feel if you approch this problem from where you are now, you'll only be defeated.  You have to be strong inside and out to deal with this kind of overwhelming problem...Good Luck  

Any ideas with the situation below?? PLEASE?????

 

I'm fairly new...having a hard time following the message boards -- it looks like a post gets lost after a couple new people post so I'm not sure how to keep track of this, but here goes:

 

First let me apologize in advance for writing a "book".  My thanks to anyone who takes the time to read all this and reply, because I have a feeling that nothing will fix this, but hopefully I'll feel better after "talking" about it.  At least for the moment....I see it almost daily...but definitely cry about it every day.  And, the worst part is......I'm not the only one crying about it.  I need to know what to do.  I am desperate for answers...for any kind of help.

 

My problem is my daughter and my older grandson. She actually has two sons, but you would think she has only one. She had my first grandson when she was 17, and lived with me til she was 18. I raised my older grandson the first year because she was never around (of course she denies this now). When she moved out, she used him as a pawn to get what she wanted from me (I couldn't see him if I made her mad). She got pregnant again, lived with me again for another few months, (I was the main caretaker of my grandson again during that time), she had another boy, and suddenly my first grandson became "irrelevant" to her (except to still use as a pawn).  My grandsons are now 2.5 and 4.5 yrs old.  My younger grandson is NEVER disciplined...or should I say, occasionally she'll tell him to stop a behavior, but never follows through or never does anything about it when he blatantly continues the behavior.  He doesn't listen to her at all (not a surprise as to why). My older grandson gets punished constantly and for everything, and has been since he was 14mos old.  She use to punish him by using his playpen as a "timeout" at that age.

 

Briefly: The two children get new toys, the younger boy grabs the older boy's new toy and says "mine" (yes, that comes with the age....but....).   My daughter tells the older grandson "Don't you take that from your brother, he's playing with it right now".  The older boy protests that it's his new toy and my daughter tells him "Too bad, you have to share. Your brother is playing with it right now".  If the older boy picks up a toy belonging to the younger boy, the younger boy runs over, grabs it, yells "mine", and the older boy is told,  "Don't take that toy out of your brother's hands, it's his toy".    Or...the younger boy is playing quietly with a toy, and the older boy goes over and sits down next to him to play with him.  The younger boy screams "mine", and the older boy is told "Leave your brother alone, he was playing with those toys first" or "He was playing fine by himself, leave him alone!".  However, if the older boy is playing with toys, the younger boy WILL come over, completely knock over, tear up, destroy or grab what the older boy is playing with--intentionally.  When the older boy cries or gets frustrated, he's told "Let your brother play with you right now, he just wants to play", or "Don't take the toys from your younger brother, he can play too", or best of all: "DON'T get frustrated! If you do, you'll sit by yourself in timeout and your brother will get to play with the toys by himself" (taunting him with the way she says it).   Bottom line: The older boy can have NO toys of his own--they all belong to the younger boy.  He can never play by himself, he MUST play "with" his brother even if he doesn't want to, however the younger brother never has to share, never has to allow the older brother to play if he doesn't want to share. Sounds like a problem with sharing toys....but that's not really it.........

 

More recently, the older boy is now acting out, because he is beginning to feel that his mother likes his younger brother more (what a surprise), and is now being punished when he cries because he's feeling hurt, yelled at for being upset, and told to be quiet.   He is not permitted to display or express any feelings or emotions unless they are happy ones.  He's permitted to express pleasure.   That's ALL.  If he hits his younger brother, his mother has now begun to hit him in return (this is new). However, his younger brother hits him, kicks him, bites him, throws toys at him, etc and not a word is spoken to the younger boy and the older boy isn't "allowed" to respond or defend himself.  If he does (fight back), the older boy is punished for hitting his brother, even if the younger boy hits first--which he frequently does because he knows there won't be any consequences for him--nothing happens to the younger boy at all.  Absolutely nothing.  So........younger boy can hit, kick, and throw toys at older brother (or actually do anything he wants to him) and there are no consequences.  Older boy does something minor, even if in self defense, and gets punished for it.  Then my daughter makes comments to the older boy such as "Why are you acting like this? STOP it! Stop acting all mad".  Gee....I'd be mad.....and hurt too, just like he is!  Does she truly not know why he's so angry?, or is she's just taunting him. 

 

He regularly sees his younger brother cry if he doesn't get what he wants immediately.  My daughter runs to the aide of the younger boy (even if he's throwing a temper tantrum): "What's wrong baby?" "What do you need?" "What do you want?"  "Do you want this? This? Oh..this?  What do you want baby?"  She goes down a list of things...showing him, offering him, trying to please him, while he continues to cry and scream until something enticing enough grabs his attention and then he stops crying.  On the opposite end....the older boy sees the younger boy throw a temper tantrum to get what he wants....sees that it works to get ANYTHING the younger boy wants, so he tries it himself.  My daughter instantly yells at the older boy to STOP!  If he doesn't stop immediately, she begins taking toys away from him and threatening harsher punishment.  Bottom line:  Younger boy cries and throws a tantrum, and gets anything and everything he wants (and things he didn't even want) to make him feel better, calm him down, quiet him.  Older boy cries, gets everything taken away from him and/or punished, to shut him up.

 

My older grandson spends as much time with me as he and I can convince my daughter to let him.  He begs her daily to let him stay with me.  In the past, she'd let him stay if I gave her money.  More recently, she has really cut the time back, because she doesn't like that he's happy when he's with me.  She tends to do this intentionally to upset and taunt him--AND to upset me too.   And, because I know my daughter very well, I can clearly see a small bit of pleasure in her face when she has done something that pleases the younger boy, at the expense of the older boy (I will give two examples below).  The older boy is super intelligent and very advanced for his age. He has a huge vocabulary, and has now begun asking me questions like, "Why is mommy more interested in my brother than me?"  (His exact words).  I told him that his mommy loves them both very much, and he said "No Nana. She says she does, but she doesn't.  She loves G alot more than me".  (G=younger boy).  He paused, and then: "Why doesn't my mommy like me?".  We were driving in the car and he couldn't see my face luckily, but I didn't answer after that, because at that point I was in tears and couldn't speak. By the time we got to my house I was nauseated....the rest of the day I just felt like holding him and crying, but I didn't want to dwell on it for his sake, so we played with his toys.

 

OR (this one REALLY got to me) questions like: "Nana, when will my wish come true?",  then a few seconds later: "Why is it taking so long?"  When I questioned him about which wish he meant, he replied:  "The wish I made that I could live with you, so my mommy wouldn't hate me so much".  -- I had to leave the room so he wouldn't see me crying. 

 

She absolutely, positively, completely and totally, would never, never, ever, ever begin to consider letting him live with me....because..........that would make ME happy, it would make HIM, happy, and she would lose her PAWN to use to get what she wants.  (her maturity level is way below her physical age, due to health issues when she was younger....she is still at the "rebellious, teenage level" of maturity, and takes delight in causing me problems and pain--however on the surface, she *appears* mature enough to take care of kids, and because she never spends time around anyone other than her young friends and boyfriends, no one has any idea how she really is with her kids).  She regularly makes choices based on what's best for HER, what makes HER happy, what HER wants and needs are....placing those above her older son's needs.   A good bit of the time however, she does *wants* of the younger child somewhere around her desires, but..........not really what he NEEDS.  She does what makes HER feel good, and that's by giving in to him, giving him anything he asks for, cries for, throws a tantrum for....etc.  She doesn't really seem to even consider the older boy's wants and needs though.

 

Here are some examples:

One: I picked them up to go out to eat. The older boy came to the car walking with his head hanging down and his shoulders hunched over (he walks like that alot lately).  I asked him what was wrong, and he told me that his brother had his toy, and that his mother made him take one he didn't want.  I told him, "Let your brother play with it for now, maybe later he'll lose interest in it, and you two can trade."  I asked my daughter if they could trade when the younger boy lost interest, and she agreed, saying ONLY if the younger boy lost interest (with a slight grin on her face).  By the time we were done eating, the younger boy was no longer interested in the older boy's toy.  The older boy picked up his toy, and I handed the other toy to the younger boy, who was very pleased with the toy I gave him (the younger boy didn't CARE which toy he got). Both boys were very happy.  At that point, my daughter told the older boy in a harsh tone, "Give that toy back to your brother!!!"  I reminded her that she agreed they could trade if the younger boy lost interest.  My daughter became angry, grabbed the younger boy's hand, angrily saying "Come on G!!!!!!!", practically stomping her feet (a favorite of hers) the whole way to the door.  I asked her why she was upset, when both boys were happy.  She then said "Don't you care about G's feelings????" (G=younger boy).  I was stunned. 

I replied, "Don't you care about N's (N=older boy) feelings?....both boys are very happy, why are YOU angry?"  She began grumbling something uncomprehendible.  Bottom line....as always:  She was happy when the older boy was crying, but when the older boy got what he wanted (even if both boys were happy), she became irate. She didn't WANT the older boy to have the toy he wanted!!!

 

Another example...today.  My daughter makes it clear that of course if I buy a toy for one boy, I must buy a toy for both (even if the younger boy isn't with me), to spare the younger boy's feelings (SHE'S more concerned about the younger boy's "feelings" than the boy himself).  Ok, no problem.  Of course, I always make sure they both have a toy.  Today when I took the older boy home, we walked in, and there was a brand new train set sitting on the floor.  The older boy sat down next to it and said "Wow! A new train! Where did this come from mommy?".  My daughter told him it was his brother's train set.  The younger boy ran over and said "Mine! NO, mine!! NO! It's mine!".  The older boy said, "I can play with it too", younger boy yelling "No N!! MINE!!!".  My daughter said nothing to the younger boy (as always).  The younger boy grabbed the train cars out of the older boy's hands and yelled "Mine" again.  Older boy kept trying to play with trainset, while younger boy began throwing the pieces of the train AT the older boy to stop him from playing with it.  The older boy got upset, threw the train pieces across the room, and was immediately yelled at by his mother.  "If you're going to act like that, you won't play with it! It's G's train!!!".  The older boy questioned, "Why can't *I* have a new trainset too?".  My daughter ignored the question.  The older boy tried several times to play with it, and met with screams of "Mine", toys thrown at him, train tracks thrown at him, and my daughter said nothing to the younger boy.  Finally, the older boy got upset (really upset), and started crying, started throwing train pieces everywhere, and was yelled at to stop being angry, stop throwing the train or he was not going to play with it, and to leave his brother alone.  By this time, the older boy began hitting his younger brother (His feelings were really hurt by now).  My daughter kept yelling at him saying: "What is WRONG with you? Why are you ACTING LIKE THIS!!!".  (I can't imagine why he would be...gee).  The older boy  asked me if I'd bring his trainset from my house (each boy has a trainset at my house....they look totally different and each boy knows what their trainset looks like).  I brought the older boy's train over.....Lo and behold, the younger boy ran over and said "Mine!!!!" after we put the older boy's trainset together.  My daughter said nothing to him.  He kept yelling at the older boy "This is MY train! It's MINE!"  The older boy started crying again....he knew it was going to become his brother's trainset too.  Like everything else that use to belong to him.....that is now his brother's. Crying, he said "Oh GREAT!  Now this is going to be G's train TOO and I'm not going to have one!"  What do I tell him?  It's true and he knows it. 

 

My daughter has done several things (or should I say, the WAY she has done them) that has really, really traumatized him (especially about bedtime).  He begs me...really begs me not to take him home.  When I do take him home, he hangs on my legs begging me not to leave (he knows how he's treated once I leave, and dreads it).  He stands in front of the door trying to block me from leaving.  When I finally do leave, he tries to run out the door after me.  Finally, on many occasions, I can hear him screaming hysterically in the trailer as I walk to my car, and I feel physically sick.  I can also hear my daughter yelling at him "Stop acting upset like that or you're going to bed!"  The one thing he fears most, she uses as punishment.

 

I've tried talking to my daughter, tried explaining that my older grandson says he feels like he isn't loved, and she literally ignores me, or smiles and says "yeah, right".   But I really can't say much, because then she says, "Whatever. I don't believe you, but I'll talk to N myself!", and then that puts him on the spot and he ends up getting punished if he tells the truth, so I don't want to do that to him.  Unfortunately, she's very self centered and doesn't do what's in the best interest of the children, she does what makes her feel good, even if it's at the children's expense.  She frequently reminds me of someone without a conscience or without feelings.   I just don't know what to do.  My older grandson is crying out for help regularly, and no one can do a thing about it.  She frequently "dares" me to call CYS (saying "they won't do anything" to her), telling me she's a "perfect mother", isn't doing anything wrong, and she'll never believe anyone who tells her otherwise.  The worst part is, she's very careful that there's no proof of what she does as far as physically hitting him.  The emotional part is hard to prove anyway and she knows it.

 

I've tried talking to the older boy's father.  They're both young....he's still in love with my daughter, and he immediately ran and told her everything we discussed (even though he had told me he wasn't speaking to her....and I didn't realize he still did at the time).  I'm guessing he thought that she would "take him back" if he volunteered information.  They're friends now...even though he still loves her.  He will most definitely overlook what she is doing.  He rarely sees the boy.  Only a few times a year....even though he talks to my daughter frequently.  She truly acts as if she has one son, and one emotional punching bag (although lately, he's now telling me she actually has hit him a few times).  She does tell him she loves him....but her actions speak louder than any words. What she says to him compared to what she SHOWS him, tell a totally different story in his mind. 

 

There's SO much more to this, but this is the short version.  I'm just sick....daily!  I cry all the time about this.  This poor baby is broken. He's hurting!  And it's really beginning to show in many ways.  Everytime he's with me, I tell him what a good boy he is, what a smart boy, a sweet boy, how much I love him, etc.....but he's hurting, and it's not ME he wants to hear that from, (although I know he likes hearing it from me), he wants to hear it from her and he wants her to MEAN IT.....and she doesn't even care.  She won't even acknowledge it!  And I've SEEN her take pleasure in his pain! Why? Why isn't there more that can be done? I love both my grandsons, but I just can't handle seeing the older child tormented and taunted by his own mother on a daily basis!  I know how badly this affects me....I just can't imagine what this is doing to HIM inside!    HOW can she even wonder why he acts like he acts?????  I'm desperate for answers....I know he wants things to be different too!  In the past year, he's gone from being a wonderful, cheerful, happy, pleasant, bubbly little guy, to a sad, broken, tearful, sullen, angry, frustrated boy (although he's not permitted to display or express those feelings).  PLEASE--What can I do??

I just clicked on this board and saw your post from August.  I hope you are still checking for replies! 

It sounds to me like you are looking in the wrong direction for a solution to this problem.  Although your grandson does need to be shielded as much as possible from his mothers harshness, hiding him away at your home isn't going to solve the problem.  You mentioned that your daughter is somewhat less mature than her age would imply due to childhood health issues.  You say she is still emotionally in the rebellious teen stage and delights in tormenting you.  I agree that a portion of her mistreatment of her son seems to be directed toward causing YOU pain.  BUT, that is not a 'rebellious teen' issue.  I have a daughter that is 21 and went through those years also.  My daughter would push the limits any chance she got.  The difference is that she knew EXACTLY where I drew the line concerning her behaviour and it was an unspoken law that I would not tolerate her crossing that line for any reason.  This was not because she feared me or had experienced any horrible consequences.  It was because I had always, always stood firm with her and taught her to respect me at the same time I always, always expressed my deep and abiding love for her. I do not say that to imply that you have not shown your daughter love.  My point comes in where you mentioned the childhood health problems.  Could it be that she was overly spoiled and given everything she wanted during that time?  Is it possible that, because of your fear for her and her health, you gave in to her as a child rather than being firm? It is easy to spoil a child that is ill and it is very, very hard to discipline a child that has chronic health problems.  Unfortunately, that teaches the child that they are the one in control, not their parent. Give this some thought.

 

I can read between the lines in your letter that you allow your daughter to bully you as much as she does her son.  You seem to approach her with alot of caution and timidness when expressing your concerns and you don't step in when she mistreats him in your presence. (don't be offended!!  Please, please!!  This is just my opinion as an outsider looking in)  I think your first form of action should be to stand up to your daughter and tell her no way, no how, is she going to treat that child badly in front of you!  I know you feel this is going to cause her to be worse on him at home and you may be right.  But she is doing this to get YOUR attention and make you do what SHE wants.  After all, haven't you done that all her life until her children were born?  Her first son took your attention away from her and onto him and she resents it with a passion.  If you are concerned about her reaction, try a little legal threat.  Keep a voice activated pocket recorder with you when she is there and record her verbal abuse.  Position a camcorder in your house and film her actions when she is there and mistreats the child.  When you have this on tape, tell her you will take it to the authorities if she doesn't start listening to you concerning her treatment of these children.  (It will be your own private decision whether or not to actually take this to the authorities) Explain to her how much you love her and her children and the two of you need to work through all this resentment.  Is it possible that you hold some resentment toward her as well?  She is using her child as a ball bat and she is swinging at you with all her might.  Show her your love by putting your foot down, once and for all.  Be firm and step in when she starts these things with her oldest.  Don't sit silently by and wish she would make the youngest give back the toy.......YOU go over to him and take the toy out of his hand, explain why and hand it to its rightful owner.  If your daughter gets angry, take her to another room and tell her why you will step in from now on instead of letting her destroy her sons self worth. AND DON'T BACK DOWN!!

 

(I apologize if I sound harsh but this child desperately needs you to be a hero for him and your daughter is crying out for her mommy and doesn't even realize it)

I just clicked on this board and saw your post from August.  I hope you are still checking for replies! 

It sounds to me like you are looking in the wrong direction for a solution to this problem.  Although your grandson does need to be shielded as much as possible from his mothers harshness, hiding him away at your home isn't going to solve the problem.  You mentioned that your daughter is somewhat less mature than her age would imply due to childhood health issues.  You say she is still emotionally in the rebellious teen stage and delights in tormenting you.  I agree that a portion of her mistreatment of her son seems to be directed toward causing YOU pain.  BUT, that is not a 'rebellious teen' issue.  I have a daughter that is 21 and went through those years also.  My daughter would push the limits any chance she got.  The difference is that she knew EXACTLY where I drew the line concerning her behaviour and it was an unspoken law that I would not tolerate her crossing that line for any reason.  This was not because she feared me or had experienced any horrible consequences.  It was because I had always, always stood firm with her and taught her to respect me at the same time I always, always expressed my deep and abiding love for her. I do not say that to imply that you have not shown your daughter love.  My point comes in where you mentioned the childhood health problems.  Could it be that she was overly spoiled and given everything she wanted during that time?  Is it possible that, because of your fear for her and her health, you gave in to her as a child rather than being firm? It is easy to spoil a child that is ill and it is very, very hard to discipline a child that has chronic health problems.  Unfortunately, that teaches the child that they are the one in control, not their parent. Give this some thought.

 

I can read between the lines in your letter that you allow your daughter to bully you as much as she does her son.  You seem to approach her with alot of caution and timidness when expressing your concerns and you don't step in when she mistreats him in your presence. (don't be offended!!  Please, please!!  This is just my opinion as an outsider looking in)  I think your first form of action should be to stand up to your daughter and tell her no way, no how, is she going to treat that child badly in front of you!  I know you feel this is going to cause her to be worse on him at home and you may be right.  But she is doing this to get YOUR attention and make you do what SHE wants.  After all, haven't you done that all her life until her children were born?  Her first son took your attention away from her and onto him and she resents it with a passion.  If you are concerned about her reaction, try a little legal threat.  Keep a voice activated pocket recorder with you when she is there and record her verbal abuse.  Position a camcorder in your house and film her actions when she is there and mistreats the child.  When you have this on tape, tell her you will take it to the authorities if she doesn't start listening to you concerning her treatment of these children.  (It will be your own private decision whether or not to actually take this to the authorities) Explain to her how much you love her and her children and the two of you need to work through all this resentment.  Is it possible that you hold some resentment toward her as well?  She is using her child as a ball bat and she is swinging at you with all her might.  Show her your love by putting your foot down, once and for all.  Be firm and step in when she starts these things with her oldest.  Don't sit silently by and wish she would make the youngest give back the toy.......YOU go over to him and take the toy out of his hand, explain why and hand it to its rightful owner.  If your daughter gets angry, take her to another room and tell her why you will step in from now on instead of letting her destroy her sons self worth. AND DON'T BACK DOWN!!

 

(I apologize if I sound harsh but this child desperately needs you to be a hero for him and your daughter is crying out for her mommy and doesn't even realize it)

I have been sort of evaluating my parenting style the past couple of weeks and though I believe I have made some mistakes as we  all do as parents. I am so proud of the fact that I as a mom have learned to follow my heart and to do what I feel is best and right for my children.

I think sometimes we, as parents worry too much about what others think about us, we get offended by others telling us how to do things and sometimes it is hard for us to parent because we are afraid of hurting our child's spirit( I actually heard some one say that last one this week) but one thing that I have learned is that these things actually make us not such a  good parent, we gotta follow our own hearts and intuition and not every one elses.We have to think about our children and what it is that is gonna teach and direct them onto the right path to success. We can't worry about what others think, or  beat  up on ourselves for making a mistake, we got to be strong for our kids, admit when we mess up and go on.

My oldest is entering her third week of kindergarten and I am so proud of her, she's smart, happy,caring, socializes very well, listens, honest and has nothing but good to say about her experiences and the compliments have been a little over whelming to me but yet at the same time, in spite of the negatives (coming form others) of my parenting style, I can honestly say that my style works and the reason why I think it works is because I follow my own heart, my own morals and values, and I believe in what I am doing, My parenting style has involved being a stay at home mom, communicating with my kids,  listening,being honest with them, giving them a voice within the home, discipline as well as following through.

Not every one agrees with the idea of being a stay at home mom, not every one agrees with my discipline techniques,  not every one liked the fact that my children had 10:00 bedtime before my oldest started school, but that's ok because I am reaping great results here and to me that is a good thing.

Whatever your parenting style, know that it is working and believe in yourself and follow your own hearts and through all this be honest with yourself and don't  be afraid to make changes and don't let others cut you down

a good parent is gonna see good results and even though our kids are gonna make mistakes, just as we do, they will learn from them and they will have a safe place to fall, when they have parents who care enough to follow their hearts, discipline, follow through, communicate and are honest, it has absolutely nothing to do  with what others think.

So to end, my parenting style is to basically follow "my" own heart and do what "I" feel is right.......................

This is my first time doing this, hope I am doing it correctly. 

 

I just read your email here on how you are parenting and raising your children.  I have to agree in so many ways, however, when they get older.... it isn't all about following your heart in the way you described. 

 

I believe you are an awesome mother and I commend you on your stance.  I do not have parents to follow after or to turn to when things get tough.  I raised my boys by myself until they were 8 and 10.  I made my mistakes, the boys had to "grow up" with me, but, like you, I followed my heart and I did what I felt was right.  My boys were in bed by 7:30 until they were in school and then they were in bed by 8:00.  Everyone was amazed at how I could get them down and bless their hearts, WHEN I did let them stay at a friends house, they couldn't stay awake much past 8:00. 

 

I raised my children with what I felt was right in my heart.  I took them where I went and didn't leave them with other people, I was too afraid to.  I am very close to my children and very proud of their accomplishments.

 

My middle child is 16 and has been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome (Autism spectrum).  Before his diagnosis, he was very angry, hurt, and depressed to the point of wanting to commit suicide.  He was lashing out mainly because he was realizing that not every body was like his mom and he was bullied for years by school classmates.  We had to put him in hospitals throughout 3 or 4 years until the last time which lasted a year. 

 

Today, he is in the 10th grade and loves himself and school!  The school is so impressed with his behavior and maturity.  I never thought he would mature.  He now has goals and is even taking steps to be in regular classes, participates in class discussions to the point the teacher is asking other classmates to respond instead of just him!  He is in Driver's Ed and the other day he brought home an awesome 1 page letter asked to write from a teacher.  (This is the kid that HATES writing and would NOT write before).... his letter made me cry!  He wants to graduate! (while still in school, he wants to take auto mechanics) and then Devry College to make his own game videos, then onto his love of being a monster truck driver (wants to meet the owner of Bigfoot) and then he wants to be a (get this) motivational speaker (!!!  Proud mom) and then wants to write books!!..... there is no stopping him!! 

 

Due to my consistent "staying by his side" even when everyone quit, he has come around by leaps and bounds and I am extatic!

 

I said all of this for this, I had to make many choices along the way that went AWAY from my heart.... I was so emotionally involved with helping that I became an emotional wreck.  They would ask if I thought I could forgive him and all I thought was "forgive him for what?"  I felt sorry for him and I wanted so bad to help him and to have someone help me help him, no answers, I was a wreck, my relationship wasn't a relationship... thank God he stayed and was my rock, but, we at that time, nourished no real couple relationship.  I had to finally use "tough love" on him and that often goes against what the heart tells the mother to do.  But, in the end.... look where he is today!!  Upward and onward!!

 

Now, I have a son who is 18, moved out the day before his 18th birthday, was rude and disrespectful before finally making his move.  This son I have always been very proud of, he does well in school... awesome even... He has a great head on his shoulders.... I can't say enough of how blessed I was that God sent him to me.  I could go on and on.....

 

But, when he decided to move out, he also knew as does my 16 year old and 6 year old; when you decide to move back home, you will have to pay rent.....well, 2 hours after he threw his fit and was so in our face about going and doing even when he was grounded the week before due to his behavior.... he moved out and wanted to come home, I gave him time to think and to stew on his actions.  LONG story short..... he can tell me all that I need to do and how messed up I am and on and on..... but, he won't take responsibility for his actions and he is appalled that I expect $25.00 a week for rent!

 

I learned with my 16 year old that I was too nice and I was allowing him to abuse me, with ALL the counseling and continued therapy (even today) and the friends as well as fiance' I have had along the way, I have learned that sometimes we have to make choices that our hearts don't like, but, that these choices are all about "tough love".  I have to make him accountable and I have to stick to what I have told him for years before he did what he did.

 

I am heart broken and worried to death.  BUT, I can't let him come home without paying rent and without a contract of what the rules are and what will and what will NOT be tolerated!  I will teach him nothing and he will never respect me!

 

In closing, what I am saying is just be careful, sometimes our heart can make us weak when it comes to our children and that weakness can and often will come back and BITE us in the dairyaire!!  Love your child unconditionally, I always tell him I love him no matter what he says or does and I don't belittle him in any way.  I pray for him and I know he will come around.  I can't give in and my heart wants him to be home where he is safe.  However, he is 18 and I will have to let go some day, I would rather he learn now, while he is still young and still close to mom and home than to have to learn it when he is much older and I may not be around....

 

Just concerned for those of us who follow our hearts and often allow our sympathy and empathy to cloud our judgement.  Yours is young, do what you feel is right, teach them what is right and to always be honest!  Just a mother to a mother....

I agree with everything that you are saying. You sound like a great mom and though there are rough spots along the way of parenting,we do have to do what is right even in the tough times.

Basically what I am saying is that we are our children's parents and there are many people, which probably every one of us has experienced who are always ready to criticize and tell us how to do things and what we are doing wrong and in my experience, it can get a a little confusing and though I am nice about things and I do listen, I take what I feel I can use and the rest, well, it goes in one ear and out the next.

We as parents, have a  hard enough job though rewarding for the most part. and to be criticized and basically being told that we are doing things wrong. well, in my life, there is no room for worrying about what others think. I raise my girls with love which involves teaching, guiding with some discipline, I know how to choose my battles and I stick with what I say and mean, this is what I mean by following our hearts, doing what is right when it comes to our families and not making a big deal on what others think, for we all parent different as we have our own personalities but we can still come out with the same positive results if we are doing what is right for us.

All of us come across negative within our parenting therefore we need to be more suppsortive of one another ionstead of criticizing and those who criticize , well, I don't think I would be following my heart if I were so concerned about what they think...................

Again, sounds like you are an awesome parent. You mentioned devry, where are you from?