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Topic : Your Parenting Style

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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:48:44 pm
Author : dataimport
What is your parenting style, and is it meshing with your child's personality? Are you an authoritarian or a permissive parent? And is your child rebellious or passive? There's no magic formula, so use this message board as a tool to define your styles, problem-solve, find support and share ideas.
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poetmom
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hopeful
July 23, 2005, 9:29 am PDT

Not for everyone

I have found an effective way of discplining my children, they are ages 6, 2 and 6 months. I reallize a child likes to have an impact on the world, whether it be throwing a rock into the creek, or throwing cheerios on the floor, or even getting on your last nerve with endless questions and demands!!! I have started applying aprogram called 1-2-3 magic and it has been a lifesaver. When a child is getting into things like my 2 year old loves to do, I just simply say, "That's 1", and if they continue I say, "That's 2" and if they make it to 3 then I say "take five", and then I send them to their room for 5 minutes. I don't say anything at all just start counting. The key is consistency, and showing no emotion. The program states that parents talk to children too much and to emotionally, they can't comprehend on an adult level, so why talk to them the way you would an adult? It has worked for me, and my 6 yr old now looks at me and rolls her eyes by the time I say "That's 1", You have to make sure you explain to your child that things are changing around your household, and be honest and tell them how you are going to handle things now (by counting). Another thing, when they come out of their room after 5 minutes, don't bring up what happened, it's over, they have a clean slate!!! It works for me, and my stress level has decreased tremendously!!! If you want a copy of the program, I can send it to you via e-mail: heathergatlin@hotmail.com
We tried this program when my son, now 19, was a toddler, and it never worked for us at all. He was a child who, even at age 3, preferred to know WHY things should be done a certain way, or WHY he shouldn't do this or that, so talking to him made a lot more sense to us.  You just have to find what works for you and your child, and go with that. What works for one parent may not work for another, and what works for one child doesn't always work for your next one!!
 
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poetmom
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July 23, 2005, 9:32 am PDT

Your Parenting Style

stop treating your six year old like that...if i were six, i would see that as really patronizing...at least pretend to treat him like an adult...dont talk down to him...even kids as young as two can tell when you are talking down to them...and it definitely sound like you are.
A six year old ISN'T an adult, and most six years old don't comprehend at an adult level. You have to find where your child is at the moment, and talk to them at THAT level. If her children are okay with what she's doing, then who are we to have a problem with it?
 
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tammyo1973
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July 23, 2005, 11:39 am PDT

I agree with the counting however...

I do not think a child should have time out in their bedroom. THeir bedroom is their safe place not a punishment place. I chose to have a naughty or timeout chair and when I get to the number 3 my daughter sits in the chair for 3 minutes (1 minute per year of life) She is to sit there and when the three minutes are up I go sit down at her level and explain to her what she did and why it is not a good idea. I also tell her she can get up once she apologizes for the "crime"

I think you have to explain to kids what they did wrong and why it is not an acceptable action. If you do nto talk tot hem about it after, how will they know why they shouldn't do it or maybe they do not even knwo what they did. Especially if the "crime" is something that can hurt himself or others. They need to be resepcted and this is a great lesson in communication. If he grows up doing something wrong and then you don't explain or talk to him about it or ask for an apology he MAY grow up thinking if he does something wrong to someone, he has a time out and its over, no need to apologize. Just one moms oppinion.

I got some of my tips from the Nanny Deb on nanny 911. I know it is a tv show but so is Dr phil
 
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rains_momy
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July 23, 2005, 1:03 pm PDT

whoa!

stop treating your six year old like that...if i were six, i would see that as really patronizing...at least pretend to treat him like an adult...dont talk down to him...even kids as young as two can tell when you are talking down to them...and it definitely sound like you are.
Wow! Do you have kids?  I think this is a great approach, I am thinking of using it on my 12 year old.  I find myself explaining to him too much when he knows the answers already he is just testing me....Less is more sometimes.  I used a similar approach when my boys were much younger, I believe I will try this with them again.  If they find it condescending they may correct what it is they are doing wrong.  I have to repeat myself waaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy too many times with them.  They do know better, they just are choosing unwisely.  As far as for a six year old, it is almost a game of wits!  A good early learn, I love it!
 
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jettav
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July 23, 2005, 2:24 pm PDT

Your Parenting Style

My children (4 and 2) are learning that cosequences follow action whether good or bad, and when they are told to do something or not to do it, whatever the case might be, they know that they better listen. They do not get three chances, (though I have done it at times) When I tell them not to do something or whatever the case might be and they disobey , the consequence happens then, so basically, they are told once. They also get praised for obeying and making the right/good choices. Of course they are still young and learning but they know about boundaries and that they better not cross them, even my two year old will give me the guilty look when she knows she has crossed a boundary. I do choose my battles and I communicate with my children, and consistency is definetly a good parenting key. We as parents should know our children and what makes them tick and when we have found what works with them to help them make the right choices then we need to stick with it. I do agree that many children now days seem to run the household, I see it so many times but with out boundaries, consistency,communication and discipline,parents will fail right along with their children. None of us are perfect and we all make our share of mistakes but as parents we need to step up to the plate and get ahold of our households or we will just be at a loss..............
 
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jennifferf
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July 23, 2005, 4:01 pm PDT

My oldest knows how to push...

...Could work in some cases, I agree. When the child really tries to get on your nerves and insists on doing something over and over again. In other cases, i do not agree. My mother always tried to explain things, although she always did it in a way we could understand. And enough was enough. Boundaries were VERY clear and were meant not to be crossed. If they were, a penalty ensued IMMEDIATELY, no discussion. That is the parenting I grew up with, and it seems to have worked quite well. I got through childhood and puberty without major problems and still respect my parents and value their opinions. My daughter is 16 months and I plan to (try) raising her the same way... Adapting it to her personality. Hope it works and that she will have the same great bond with her parents as I still enjoy. Wish me luck?
I have three boys ages 5yrs, 4 yrs, and 18mos.  My five year old definately knows how to push my buttons!  He has a smart mouth and is constantly telling me no!  I feel like sometimes I just want to scream but then realize I am already doing that and he is screaming back just as loud!  I have tried talking, counting, spanking, grounding, time-outs, etc. everything has little effect at the time but he just keeps up his disrespectful behavior or if I send him to his room he will scream for what seems like hours!  I am a stay at home mom and would really like some support, could use it anything would help! So please if you have a plan that works for you please send it my way and I will give it a good try.  He is so good when it comes to helping me around the house or with his younger brothers but when he gets in his moods, good lord! email me at fredricksons@comcast.net.  Thanks a bunch!!
 
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meherenow
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August 24, 2005, 6:20 pm PDT

hard time here

Quote From: mamaduckie

I don't see giving a 6 year old the count of three as patronizing.  I see it as giving him or her a warning that they are committing a foul tthat will punished should the act continue!  I have three kids myself, two aged 8 and one who is 6.  When they were younger, I used to tell them to stop then go to the count.... 1 was telling them to stop, 2 was getting up and going to where they were, and 3 was taking them by the hand and removing them from the scene of the crime and sitting them down for time out.  But now, 1 is telling them to stop, if they continue I simply say "that's 2!", and 3 is their punishment, only it dioesn't consist of time out.  They are old enough to get them whert it hurts (game cube taken away, no swimming that day or the next, no television, whatever they are into at the time). 

 

I don't see myself as a stern parent, but I will not allow my children to run all over me.  I also tend to pick and choose my battles.  If it's a question of dealing with right and wrong, I'm right there.  If it's an issue where they are messing with each other, I let them deal with it the best they can before I step in.

My 5 year old is driving me crazy, making our house miserable. I have tried 1-2-3 magic and it does not work for him at all. He wants what he wants and he wants it now. He does not give up although I never give in. If I tell him not to do something that is one, he will do something else wrong just to see what happens. When he gets to three he is so worked up he will not calm down for anything. He starts hitting, crying, kicking. I literally have to restrain him. If I tell him no to something he wants, I explain why the answer is no and what he can do for future reference to avoid having things taking away from him. It does not matter to him. He will chant over and over I want ____!!!! whatever it is. I take away tv on a daily basis, favorite toys all the time. No consequence matters to him. Its like he cant control his own impulses. Any suggestions, I'm starting to get shortness of breath and chest pains whenever he starts to get worked up because I cannot control it. Thanks for reading. 
 
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jettav
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August 24, 2005, 11:13 pm PDT

Your Parenting Style

Quote From: meherenow

My 5 year old is driving me crazy, making our house miserable. I have tried 1-2-3 magic and it does not work for him at all. He wants what he wants and he wants it now. He does not give up although I never give in. If I tell him not to do something that is one, he will do something else wrong just to see what happens. When he gets to three he is so worked up he will not calm down for anything. He starts hitting, crying, kicking. I literally have to restrain him. If I tell him no to something he wants, I explain why the answer is no and what he can do for future reference to avoid having things taking away from him. It does not matter to him. He will chant over and over I want ____!!!! whatever it is. I take away tv on a daily basis, favorite toys all the time. No consequence matters to him. Its like he cant control his own impulses. Any suggestions, I'm starting to get shortness of breath and chest pains whenever he starts to get worked up because I cannot control it. Thanks for reading. 

it is a very rare thing for me to count to 3 with my children. My husband does it all the time and it seems to work well but I usually just tell my girls once and if they don't listen I act, I do not count. I will also at times give a choice, "you can either listen to my words and choose another activity or you can go to your room and sit on your bed", In your case, you could say something like, You can't have (whatever) becasue........ but you can have (whatever) because.......... Don't give your son the time to get worked up, say it once and if he disobeys you then follow through with the consequence. I know this can be hard at times, but ignoring does wonders with my children, they know that I am not going to give into them and they know that I will follow through, they can cry and beg all they want, I am not giving in. When he is throwing a fit, or what ever, busy your self with something, I usually come down to the basement and throw a load of laundry in. Consistency and following through is very imporant and eventually he will learn that No means no and he will learn other rules as well, but you as the parent need to stick to your guns........
 
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chrisleah
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September 8, 2005, 8:14 pm PDT

Stop the Lying

Our only child who is 10-years of age is constantly lying – to me, his teachers at school, his father and his grandparents. We have tried hard discipline; i.e. grounding, taking toys away, etc. What can we do? We have explained and explained what lying does and the consequences that go along with it. Any suggestions/ideas would be greatly appreciated.  
 
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kcooper
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September 28, 2005, 9:43 am PDT

Getting a Grip

Here I am a 29-yr. old mother of 4 BOYS ages, 2,8,10 and 12...and finally a few days ago I admitted for the 1st time ever that being a Mother is hard.  I work days/husband nights, it seems like I have 4 2yr. olds b/c I have to repeat everything at least 2x.  I make lists, remind them, everything except do their chores and homework....yet they still don't get it...It's frustrating b/c I am a person who likes to play, laugh, SCRAPBOOK, yet I feel like I am loosing myself, my identity.  Yes, we talk, and very often, but usually it ends with me yelling and them feeling badly...Right now I am exercising and praying for patience and strength...wondering are they just Lazy or being boys?
 
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