Topic : Your Parenting Style

This is my first time doing this, hope I am doing it correctly. 

I just read your email here on how you are parenting and raising your children.  I have to agree in so many ways, however, when they get older.... it isn't all about following your heart in the way you described. 

I believe you are an awesome mother and I commend you on your stance.  I do not have parents to follow after or to turn to when things get tough.  I raised my boys by myself until they were 8 and 10.  I made my mistakes, the boys had to "grow up" with me, but, like you, I followed my heart and I did what I felt was right.  My boys were in bed by 7:30 until they were in school and then they were in bed by 8:00.  Everyone was amazed at how I could get them down and bless their hearts, WHEN I did let them stay at a friends house, they couldn't stay awake much past 8:00. 

I raised my children with what I felt was right in my heart.  I took them where I went and didn't leave them with other people, I was too afraid to.  I am very close to my children and very proud of their accomplishments.

My middle child is 16 and has been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome (Autism spectrum).  Before his diagnosis, he was very angry, hurt, and depressed to the point of wanting to commit suicide.  He was lashing out mainly because he was realizing that not every body was like his mom and he was bullied for years by school classmates.  We had to put him in hospitals throughout 3 or 4 years until the last time which lasted a year. 

Today, he is in the 10th grade and loves himself and school!  The school is so impressed with his behavior and maturity.  I never thought he would mature.  He now has goals and is even taking steps to be in regular classes, participates in class discussions to the point the teacher is asking other classmates to respond instead of just him!  He is in Driver's Ed and the other day he brought home an awesome 1 page letter asked to write from a teacher.  (This is the kid that HATES writing and would NOT write before).... his letter made me cry!  He wants to graduate! (while still in school, he wants to take auto mechanics) and then Devry College to make his own game videos, then onto his love of being a monster truck driver (wants to meet the owner of Bigfoot) and then he wants to be a (get this) motivational speaker (!!!  Proud mom) and then wants to write books!!..... there is no stopping him!! 

Due to my consistent "staying by his side" even when everyone quit, he has come around by leaps and bounds and I am extatic!

I said all of this for this, I had to make many choices along the way that went AWAY from my heart.... I was so emotionally involved with helping that I became an emotional wreck.  They would ask if I thought I could forgive him and all I thought was "forgive him for what?"  I felt sorry for him and I wanted so bad to help him and to have someone help me help him, no answers, I was a wreck, my relationship wasn't a relationship... thank God he stayed and was my rock, but, we at that time, nourished no real couple relationship.  I had to finally use "tough love" on him and that often goes against what the heart tells the mother to do.  But, in the end.... look where he is today!!  Upward and onward!!

Now, I have a son who is 18, moved out the day before his 18th birthday, was rude and disrespectful before finally making his move.  This son I have always been very proud of, he does well in school... awesome even... He has a great head on his shoulders.... I can't say enough of how blessed I was that God sent him to me.  I could go on and on.....

But, when he decided to move out, he also knew as does my 16 year old and 6 year old; when you decide to move back home, you will have to pay rent.....well, 2 hours after he threw his fit and was so in our face about going and doing even when he was grounded the week before due to his behavior.... he moved out and wanted to come home, I gave him time to think and to stew on his actions.  LONG story short..... he can tell me all that I need to do and how messed up I am and on and on..... but, he won't take responsibility for his actions and he is appalled that I expect $25.00 a week for rent!

I learned with my 16 year old that I was too nice and I was allowing him to abuse me, with ALL the counseling and continued therapy (even today) and the friends as well as fiance' I have had along the way, I have learned that sometimes we have to make choices that our hearts don't like, but, that these choices are all about "tough love".  I have to make him accountable and I have to stick to what I have told him for years before he did what he did.

I am heart broken and worried to death.  BUT, I can't let him come home without paying rent and without a contract of what the rules are and what will and what will NOT be tolerated!  I will teach him nothing and he will never respect me!

In closing, what I am saying is just be careful, sometimes our heart can make us weak when it comes to our children and that weakness can and often will come back and BITE us in the dairyaire!!  Love your child unconditionally, I always tell him I love him no matter what he says or does and I don't belittle him in any way.  I pray for him and I know he will come around.  I can't give in and my heart wants him to be home where he is safe.  However, he is 18 and I will have to let go some day, I would rather he learn now, while he is still young and still close to mom and home than to have to learn it when he is much older and I may not be around....

Just concerned for those of us who follow our hearts and often allow our sympathy and empathy to cloud our judgement.  Yours is young, do what you feel is right, teach them what is right and to always be honest!  Just a mother to a mother....