Topic : My Friend/Relative Won't Discipline!

Hello Everyone,

I am the grandmother of two. A boy 6 years old and a little girl 2 years old. My grandson has mainly been raised by his grandmother on my daughter in law's side because my son and her basically lived with them for years for several reasons. I must admit, mostly out of convenience (built in baby sitter whenever, however etc but I won't get into that in length). Anyway, the grandmother has never taught the little boy proper behavior. He does whatever he wants to when he wants to and she let's him. She doesn't teach him right from wrong and he is the prince. He figured out very quickly that he is the prince and has because of it become manipulative. I've seen trades in him that I find very unpleasant. Sneaky little things that he does. My son disciplines by yelling at him and sending him to a room for I don't know how long. The mother of the child tries to teach him but at the same time excuses his actions when he does things that are out of hand. The little time that he does spend with me (the other side of the family took complete control over my grandchildren and not only that but that's another story entirely) my grandson is well behaved and well mannered and I have no need to discipline him. If there ever is an issue then I sit with him and explain to him why certain things are not okay to do and what effect his actions may have on others and he is perfectly fine with that. Very rarely do I have to become stern with him, hardly ever actually. I am concerned about him for a couple of reasons. A couple of months ago he and my youngest son (10 years old) and I chit chatted a bit while I was watching my grandchildren. My grandson told me at that time (I don't remember what exactly lead up to this turn in the conversation) that he wish only him and his little sister would live in the house and mommy and daddy and nonna (the other grandmother) would be gone. I asked him why he wishes for these things. He responded that he could do whatever he wants to do, he could break things (antenna went up at that point) and he could play x box all day and watch tv all day. I asked him who would then take care of the baby (his little sister) and he responded that he would do that.

My grandson was in kindergarden for 1 week and got in trouble three times during that time. The third times was that he bit a child on his back and left marks. My son apparently yelled at him and made him stay in a bedroom for hours. I went over to their house because my son and his fiance had to take care of something. So my youngest son and I went to stay with the grandchildren. My son told me that my grandson is not to leave the bedroom unless he has to go to the bathroom. Food would have to be brought to him and he is to do his homework in the bedroom as well. Then they left. I felt horrible for my grandson, although, I must admit, he does tend to test my patience most of the time with his manipulative behavior and the prince attitude (around the other grandmother). Anyway, my heart ached for my grandson. I heard him crying and I couldn't take it anymore. I went into the bedroom and took him into my arms and asked him why he bit the child at school and he told me that he was trying to get a ball from that child because that child took it from another child. I talked with him for a bit and then I asked him what his homework was. He has a lot of trouble with doing his homework in general and is not where he should be for being in the type of school that he is enrolled in. His parents are in denial about the fact that he is a regular child that should go to a regular school and they enrolled him in an advanced type of school. Anyway, my grandson showed me his homework and he had done nothing at all. I explained to him how to do the homework and helped him (didn't do it FOR him though). I left the room to prepare dinner. Suddenly I heard a weird noise coming from the room my grandson was in. I walked up to the door and listened but I couldn't make out what the noise was, so I slightly opened the door and there he was, covering both ears with his hands and pacing the floor repeating "I don't know the number, I don't know the number, I don't know the number, I don't know the number"....I thought "WHOAAAAAA, now THAT is weird". I went in and took him into my arms and asked what his trouble is. He needed help with the numbers, so I tried to explain to him again how it's done.

Sometimes, I watch my grandson and my heart opens wide with love and it is near breaking. He looks so lonely sometimes. I can't put my finger on it.  (now remember that I AM the impatient one here) It seems that he is carrying a lot of burden. I know that his parents fight a lot and they don't care if the children hear it and their fights are really ugly with cuss words and insults against each other. My grandson says that he knows that his daddy (my son) doesn't love mommy. His little sister is the sunshine of the family and I have to admit that sometimes I am insensitive towards my grandson and I rush to my granddaughter and kiss and hug her and I can't get enough of her. I have seen my grandson watch this and I'd see that he felt left out and then I'd try to give him the same affection (I am not always successful though, I just don't feel close to him and I feel so terrible about it). At times when I hug and kiss his little sister he'll come rushing up to me and wraps his arms around me and tells me that he loves me. Naturally I respond in kind. I know that my grandson, having been the prince all this time feels jelousy and rightfully so. I also know that he is disturbed by what he witnesses with his parents.

A few days ago, my son's fiance walked into the bedroom where their little daughter was sleeping in her bed and she caught my grandson pressing a pillow on the babies face. Neither my oldest son nor his fiance told me about this incident (they hardly tell me anything really) and I learned about this incident from my youngest son because HE was told about it. Can you IMAGINE ? Anyway, two days ago my oldest son came over and I asked him about the incident and he immediately became angry at me (he always does) and became defensive and raised his voice at me (which he also always does when being confronted or asked about something). He then tried to play it off as "he is a child". NO KIDDING, does this mean that there shouldn't be concern for this kind of behavior ? I asked my son "well, did you talk to him ?" his response was "WHAT DO YOU THINK ?"....so, I asked "well, did you talk to him or did you YELL at him ?"...I got no answer and I told him that this kind of behavior is not normal, it's strange and my grand daughter could be dead now had not the childrens mother walked into the room in time.

Well, there is silence, I haven't heard anything about the incident or what would be done to help my grandson anymore. I cannot talk to my son about ANYTHING, he always yells at me and his fiance...oh well...nevermind. okay, well, she is, as I said, always excusing the son's behavior, no matter what it is.

I have to say that I have the feeling that my grandson is afraid of my son but at the same time he wants nothing more than to please his daddy and it just seems as if he never can. On the other hand, my son takes my grandson many places. He spends time with him, a lot of time. They go hiking and camping and do all sorts of things. I just feel that he is overly strict with him. Where the other grandmother has failed miserably, he overdoes it.

NOW COMES A BIG PROBLEMS. Currently my son and his family are NOT living with the other grand parents, they are out of state. However, within one week or so, the other grandparents will be back and all of them are going to live together in one house. This means that grandma will be taking care of both children again 24/7, which means that all discipline, all teaching and coaching is out of the window again. My grandson will once again, be able to do whatever he wants to do when he wants to do it and manipulate again. I kid  you not when I say that neither grandparent give him any guidance.

It really seems to me that my grandson has no balance whatsoever. He witnesses turmoil and at the same time gets smothered with "it's okays honey, come to nonna".

I have no say so at all, whatsoever when "the family" is together. I am honestly just someone that can stop by for dinner once in a while but other than that, I shouldn't open my mouth, after all it's THEM that are raising the grandchildren.

What am I going to do ? What can I do ? Can I do ANYTHING to help my grandson ? There is no talking to my son, his fiance, her parents. There is a big wall of denial that I run into or in the case of my son, aggression.

When I heard of my grandson having tried to suffocate my grand daughter with the pillow, my thought was "oh my gosh, this will not be the last time that he'll try to hurt the baby". Thinking back and remembering odd behavior of my grandson, I feel that he needs professional help of some sort. Am I over reacting ? How will I be able to make the seriousness of everything clear to the family without damaging the relationship between my son and myself even more than it's been damaged already ? I am really concerned that my grandson will build up so much anger that one day he may seriously harm someone.

I am sorry for having written so much but I am completely helpless in the matter because I know there is no getting through to the family.

If my ramblings made any sense to anyone out there, I would appreciate some input.

God bless all of you.

My husband and I have befriended an older couple who have one young adult living at home with them.  He is their biological son.  He is approx. 25 yrs. old.  We have known this couple for approximately five years.  The couple is in their 60's and 70's.  Whenever their son doesn't get his own way, he gets violent and physically abusive to his parents, our friends.  He understands very well everything a person says and even inputs geniously in conversations.  One day the couple was supposed to come over to our home and they couldn't because their son bit his father and drew blood.  This was not the first time this happened.  Of course, my husband and I were upset with their son for having dishonored his father and mother in this way.  In the conversation, my husband and I brought up the fact that if one of our adult children did that to us, we would give one warning, and if it happened again, we would have filed a report with the police and gotten him some professional help.  We feel that the parents are so enabling their adult child to continue in this behavior.  What would you recommend they do, and what would you recommend we do?

I am a aunt who is concerned on how my divoriced brother disdiplines his 16 yr. old son. I was talking to my new sister in law who is married to my brother in a recent marriage and she is having problems with their relationship when it comes to disciplineing the son. My sister in law has tried everything and anything to make him listen and she's even tried to stay out of it because her and my brother end up fighting over the son. It seems he takes the son's side everytime even if he's in trouble. He lies all the time, sneeks out of the house, steals from teachers in school, cheats on homework, takes the parents car to go out drinking and partying then gets busted for drinking whole intoxicated, lies to everyones face and guess who is the bad guy NOT the son but the sister inlaw. My brother pays the fines for him everytime he goes to jail, buys him $500.00 worth of clothes even though he's been punished. While my sister in law gets blamed for it everytime from our family. Like she's the blame... I feel bad for her she's been putting up with it for several years. And hasn't know what to do anymore. She's even tried having the father discipline the son to have him see what she goes thru and my brother ends up seeing what the son does to her and gets pissed off because my sister in law won't help him discilpine him. So she loses everytime!!!  So tell me what should she do now????????? They even tried several conuncelings and that did not work. If yu have any suggests tell me??? I would really love to hear what you have to say??? 

                            Thank you

It's not her problem anymore, sorry if I sound harsh, but step children cannot be disciplined by step parents, the Doc has said that himself, especially at sixteen.  Teens are a challenge for their own parents, so they can be a NIGHTMARE for a step, especially when they get little or no backing from the child's parent.  Obviously, his Dad is completly oblivious, could care less, or is parenting out of guilt.

She should separate her money and assets NOW, or she will end up paying the boy's fines, if his father chooses to do so with his OWN money, that's fine, he wants to buy him clothes and give him money, fine, but she shouldn't be doing any of this.

If he takes the car without permission, simple, call the police and report it stolen.

So why exactly is she putting her own sanity and health in jeopardy, her husband and his family have made it clear where the stand, and they have tried counselling and such ? She did her part, now its time to separate herself from the situation, physically and mentally, she's done her time, now she should just let the two take care of themselves, but junior will learn one day, there will be a time Daddy won't be able to bail him out.

My friend Lauries kids are just like many of those described in these boards. I get so frustrated because her kids rub off on mine. She has four two girls ages 13 and 8 and two boys ages 3 and 2. All four of them run the household. I don't see her girls much because they live with their father (divorce), but the boys are terrible. Her three year old bosses her around. My jaw drops when he tells her "I'm watching TV now" and just changes the channel or puts on a movie or calls his mom a "b!t*H". He wakes up at 6am when the sun comes up and screams at the top of his lungs until she comes to let him out of his room (they have to lock the door so he doesn't destroy the house before they wake up). If she doesn't let him out soon enough he beats on his little brother until he bleeds. Every time I'm on the phone with her I get frustrated because he's screaming in the background at the top of his lungs.

She screams too, so does their dad when he's not attached to the PS2. It's so stressful I stopped going over there so much, it's hard to want to be there with a three year old stomping on your feet and the parents just saying "Just put your feet up on the coutch" Seesh! She even asked me for help with the kids because mine actually listen and are good kids, but got mad at me for being hard on them. What gets me is she actually thinks she's a good mom! Her way of dealing with them is screaming or giving them what they want. Funny, I spank and my kids don't act like that.

I have three kids, a girl (8) and two boys (7 & 3) and if they ever acted like that I'd be mortified. Laurie thinks it's a good joke when she asks if I will take her kids and every time I tell her "hell no!" She just laughs and jokes "Oh why not?" Believe me, all her kids are the same. Very disrespectful to everyone, and anyone who tries to dicipline them will hear it from their parents.

I don't think they'll ever learn. I wish there was a way to get through to them but the more we talk about it the worse it gets. Oh well.

Hello everyone,

I have a friend who wont discipline her child.  It angers me because he runs her life.  he is 3 1/2 years almost 4 now.  He will make a mess and tells her to clean it up, what does she do?  She cleans it up for him. He hits her, he threatens her tells her if she dosent help him do something he is going to hurt her.  Just last week he made a mess in the livingroom and she told him if he cleaned it up he would be allowd to have his chocolate bar.  He looked at her and said if SHE didn't help him clean it up he wont "let" her have any of his chocolate bar.  So she feels bad and cleans it up while he sits on the couch and tells her where HE wants HER to put his toys.  It drives me nuts, I just feel like taking over and telling him to clean up his oun mess and if he didnt, and was rude about it and told me what to do I would give him one last chance to clean up his stuff and if he wouldnt I would take the chocolate bar and either eat it in front of him or I would put it in the microwave melt it right down and pour it in to the garbidge[so he cant take it out of the garbidge] in front of him.  Then I would tell him that maybe next time he will think about it befor he trys to tell mommy what to do, and next time he is asked to clean up HIS mess he better do it or all the toys will be baged up and trown in the  garbidge next time.

Sorry if that sounded harsh, but its just frustrating me because I dont know what to do, I dont invite them over to my house anymore because he rips my house apart every time he comes over.  I have 2 kids of my own and I dont want my oldest learning any attitude from him, sheis 2 and Ihave her clean up her mess and she is sent for a time out if she is disrespectful.  She helps me do the dishes because we have made that a habbit togeather, and she is so calm compaird to him.  I just dont get it, are boys really that differant?

If anyone has any advice on ways i can help her without making her feel like i'm invasing.  It drives me nuts when he is in my house, telling his mother what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i don't know if she is a very close friend of yours, but the first thing you've got to do is talk to her. maybe she has some issues, or feels guilty. then you have to find out if she will let you help her. you'll have to take control in the beginning, cause she doesn't know what to do, or she does, but has trouble doing it. the only thing is, you'll have to find out if she's willing to give some power to you. if you know what to do, and say it, but she won't listen to it, you'll get nowhere.

i'm not so fond about the chocolate bar punishment, just taking it away is enough i think. if you eat it or melt it your just bullying the child, at least that's my opinion, but i'm sure that's mostly frustration.

about when he comes over. it might be good to talk to your friend about that you have your rules in your house, and that her kid has to listen to them too, or else he will get disciplined. by her or by you. might be hard in the beginning, but kids learn really quickly what they can or cannot do, and where they can do it.

last thing: i don't think boys are different, if it was a girl it would've been just as bad. if a kid doesn't have boundaries, it will become impossible whether oit's a boy or a girl

Mandy Lee, I think Miekje's response here is pretty accurate. It's not a boy thing. It's a kid thing.

Compared with my sister-in-law I'm a firm disciplinarian. My son is 14 and her daughter 13. My son is courteous and cheerful, her daughter is rude and sullen. I have explained to my son that the feelings on the inside (particularly now during puberty) are normal and that he can discuss them with me or his Gran, or some of his brighter friends, or even a teacher, and I have explained to him that sullen and rude behaviour is NOT ACCEPTABLE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

My sister-in-law was married before, and widowed, so the child was given everything she wanted because, "Shame, she doesn't have a dad..." This spoiled, uncouth little mare is rude to my parents in their own home. I cannot see this child making it through high school without getting pregnant / getting expelled / getting overdosed on something. She has no consideration for anybody, but her mother allows it. And that's where the problem is. There is no such thing as a bad child.

The only advice I can give you is to not allow this behaviour in YOUR house. Make it clear to his mother that if she will not discipline him, neither of them are welcome in your house. Tell her that you do not want this sort of unacceptable social behaviour as an example to your own children. Then she will have to explain to her son why he can't visit at your house anymore. Maybe then she'll DO SOMETHING.