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Topic : My Friend/Relative Won't Discipline!

Number of Replies: 164
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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:50:18 pm
Author : dataimport
Other people's parenting can be a total nightmare. How do you cope? Share your stories.

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April 16, 2007, 1:50 pm CDT

Soon to be stepmom of uncontrollable kids!

 Hi. I am about to marry a man who has 4 boys. (16, 15, 9, and 7 years old) We also have a 13 month old daughter. The boys only come every other weekend, but when they do I feel like tearing my hair out before they leave. For example, this past weekend, I had my brand new couch written all over by the 7 year old, and the nine year old peed his pants while playing a video game because he didnt want to leave the game.  The 7 year old also stole five dollars from my mothers purse while we were at their house fishing! When I told their father about the way they behaved while he was at work, he just shrugged his shoulders and gave them a "stern" look. He says he doesnt want to discipline them since he only has them every other weekend, and says it is their mothers responsibility since she has custody. Its so frustrating and i'm seriously debating wheather to stay in the relationship. Am i expecting to much? Any advice on discipling when you don't have the kids on a regular basis? Because it seems like it goes in one ear and out the other by the next time they come!
 
April 17, 2007, 6:53 am CDT

My Friend/Relative Won't Discipline!

Quote From: simplexity

 Hi. I am about to marry a man who has 4 boys. (16, 15, 9, and 7 years old) We also have a 13 month old daughter. The boys only come every other weekend, but when they do I feel like tearing my hair out before they leave. For example, this past weekend, I had my brand new couch written all over by the 7 year old, and the nine year old peed his pants while playing a video game because he didnt want to leave the game.  The 7 year old also stole five dollars from my mothers purse while we were at their house fishing! When I told their father about the way they behaved while he was at work, he just shrugged his shoulders and gave them a "stern" look. He says he doesnt want to discipline them since he only has them every other weekend, and says it is their mothers responsibility since she has custody. Its so frustrating and i'm seriously debating wheather to stay in the relationship. Am i expecting to much? Any advice on discipling when you don't have the kids on a regular basis? Because it seems like it goes in one ear and out the other by the next time they come!
do they only act like this when they're with you, or all the time, so also when they're with their mom or at school. if there's a place where they di behave that means they know boundaries and accept them, you just have to make sure, that the boundaries at your house are clear, and that they have to be respected. so everytime they do something, they are being disciplined. like taking away the seven year old pencils, if he likes them, or putting them in a corner. if they behave like this everywhere, so also at school and at their moms, and with strangers, then i don't think there's much you can do, unless you agree too their mom that she will discipline too, or you'll have to agree with their father, that this behaviour won't be tolerated at your house, but you have to make sure, that he agrees one hundred procent to it, and that he follows the rules one hundred percent of the time. certainly in the beginning, there can't be any exceptions. but it will still be difficult, if they are only disciplined at your house, and i'm not sure whether it's possible to let them behave at your house when you're the only one disciplining them. i don't know how the 15 and 16 year old are behaving, but if they've never been disciplined, i don't think you can do anything about it. if you aren't sure whether to marry him or not, just postpone the wedding, until you are sure, and don't let anyone talk you into it, you should only marry him when you're certain that's the right thing to do. if there's no solution for those kids, and you really can't stand them, you might have to sit down with your boyfriend, and talk about them not coming over anymore, but him going to do something with his kids, like going swimming or something else on a regular basis. you should think seriously about this, because your 13 month old daughter is getting these examples, and how do you explain to her, that they're 'bad' but don't get disciplined, and she does?
 
April 17, 2007, 8:56 am CDT

My Friend/Relative Won't Discipline!

Quote From: miekje

do they only act like this when they're with you, or all the time, so also when they're with their mom or at school. if there's a place where they di behave that means they know boundaries and accept them, you just have to make sure, that the boundaries at your house are clear, and that they have to be respected. so everytime they do something, they are being disciplined. like taking away the seven year old pencils, if he likes them, or putting them in a corner. if they behave like this everywhere, so also at school and at their moms, and with strangers, then i don't think there's much you can do, unless you agree too their mom that she will discipline too, or you'll have to agree with their father, that this behaviour won't be tolerated at your house, but you have to make sure, that he agrees one hundred procent to it, and that he follows the rules one hundred percent of the time. certainly in the beginning, there can't be any exceptions. but it will still be difficult, if they are only disciplined at your house, and i'm not sure whether it's possible to let them behave at your house when you're the only one disciplining them. i don't know how the 15 and 16 year old are behaving, but if they've never been disciplined, i don't think you can do anything about it. if you aren't sure whether to marry him or not, just postpone the wedding, until you are sure, and don't let anyone talk you into it, you should only marry him when you're certain that's the right thing to do. if there's no solution for those kids, and you really can't stand them, you might have to sit down with your boyfriend, and talk about them not coming over anymore, but him going to do something with his kids, like going swimming or something else on a regular basis. you should think seriously about this, because your 13 month old daughter is getting these examples, and how do you explain to her, that they're 'bad' but don't get disciplined, and she does?
 No, they don't only act that way when they are with us. The 7 year old has been suspended from school, the bus, and is now only going to school for half a day. He has threatened to kill kids at school and has been going to a center to see if he has ODD or ADHD. And their mother says she has problems with them at home, but since she works full time doesnt have time to discipline them. I have been making them stand in the corner when they are with me or i have taken away priveliges like their playstation and gameboy. It seems to work for a little while but by the time they go home and come back their next weekend, I have to start from scratch! I had a bit of trouble out of the 16 year old in the beginning trying to push me around and was very disrespectful, but I finally had to put my foot down and tell him he wasnt welcome back in my home until he could be respectful. After about a month and a half..he called and apologized and it has been ok since then. The youngest two boys have a different mother than the older two.  I love all for of them. They are my daughters 1/2 brothers! I have been giving them an allowance each weekend they are with us for keeping their room clean and if they behave all weekend. $2 each..last weekend they didn't receive it for the first time and were really upset. So i am hoping that they remember that this next weekend. I guess we'll see!
 
April 19, 2007, 7:32 pm CDT

ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder)

I am a 41 yr old man, married my wife 6 years ago with 2 children from previous relationships. We have a son together and our son is 4 yrs old and his doctor has told us he has ODD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder.

I have ADD and i take medication for it.

I have never heard of ODD, And i am having trouble getting him tested for ADD/ADHD.

I have study on the internet on various subjects related to these conditions.

I am at my wits end. This is taking a major toll on my marriage and my job performance.

My wife tells me that i have spoiled him and gave in to him so much that he is uncontrollable and his behavior has made him unmanagable.

He is a really sweet boy, but when he gets in that mode, i even have alot trouble getting him to mind or calm down.

Looking for help in NY
 

 
May 1, 2007, 4:14 pm CDT

thanks for the responce

Quote From: miekje

i don't know if she is a very close friend of yours, but the first thing you've got to do is talk to her. maybe she has some issues, or feels guilty. then you have to find out if she will let you help her. you'll have to take control in the beginning, cause she doesn't know what to do, or she does, but has trouble doing it. the only thing is, you'll have to find out if she's willing to give some power to you. if you know what to do, and say it, but she won't listen to it, you'll get nowhere.

i'm not so fond about the chocolate bar punishment, just taking it away is enough i think. if you eat it or melt it your just bullying the child, at least that's my opinion, but i'm sure that's mostly frustration.

 

about when he comes over. it might be good to talk to your friend about that you have your rules in your house, and that her kid has to listen to them too, or else he will get disciplined. by her or by you. might be hard in the beginning, but kids learn really quickly what they can or cannot do, and where they can do it.

 

last thing: i don't think boys are different, if it was a girl it would've been just as bad. if a kid doesn't have boundaries, it will become impossible whether oit's a boy or a girl

My friend has not been over since i last posted, i just cant deal with the added stress when he comes over to my house.  I haven't been on the boards in awhile, i didn't realize how horrible i sounded about the chocolate bar thing.  I was speaking out of anger. 

 

Its a shame to loose a friend over them not disciplineing their child, i knew her before we had kids, and i really never seen her as a push over, until she had her son, hes just way too much for me.

 

                 Thank you again for your responce, Mandy Lee

 
May 1, 2007, 4:22 pm CDT

thanks for the responce

Quote From: dragonhunter

Mandy Lee, I think Miekje's response here is pretty accurate. It's not a boy thing. It's a kid thing.

 

Compared with my sister-in-law I'm a firm disciplinarian. My son is 14 and her daughter 13. My son is courteous and cheerful, her daughter is rude and sullen. I have explained to my son that the feelings on the inside (particularly now during puberty) are normal and that he can discuss them with me or his Gran, or some of his brighter friends, or even a teacher, and I have explained to him that sullen and rude behaviour is NOT ACCEPTABLE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

 

My sister-in-law was married before, and widowed, so the child was given everything she wanted because, "Shame, she doesn't have a dad..." This spoiled, uncouth little mare is rude to my parents in their own home. I cannot see this child making it through high school without getting pregnant / getting expelled / getting overdosed on something. She has no consideration for anybody, but her mother allows it. And that's where the problem is. There is no such thing as a bad child.

 

The only advice I can give you is to not allow this behaviour in YOUR house. Make it clear to his mother that if she will not discipline him, neither of them are welcome in your house. Tell her that you do not want this sort of unacceptable social behaviour as an example to your own children. Then she will have to explain to her son why he can't visit at your house anymore. Maybe then she'll DO SOMETHING.

Thanks for replying, I meant no disrespect towards boys.  I guess some women really do know how to raise a man.  I can relate to your comment about your sister-in-law, because my cousin lost her father [my uncle] and her mom now spoils her beyond belief!!  I mean i love her to death but their should always be a line to draw before it gets out of hand.

 

I no longer talk to my friend as a result of her sons behavior.  But that is partly my fault though. 

 

                                               Thank you again for your response.  Mandy Lee

 
May 31, 2007, 7:50 pm CDT

My Friend/Relative Won't Discipline!

Quote From: lissabob

So you could spank an adult and it wouldn't be called battery? Hmmmmm
 That's why there are things called prisons--adults that have NOT been spanked go there!
The system won't let you lock up your children. hmmmmm
 
August 10, 2007, 6:15 pm CDT

Want to know what happens with no discipline?

I am now 19 years old and about to be married, I am very close to my parents and my little sister who is now 16. My sister and I had a lot of discipline growing up, we always had to respect adults, we had to walk with our parents in stores and NOT touch anything, and my mom always said that if we didn't embarrass her she wouldn't embarrass us. Well my sister and I both did well in school we never got into trouble at school, and we are both respectful people (at least I think so.) But I have a cousin (my dad's brothers son) who is the same age as I am and his does not know the meaning of the word respect, from the time he was little (and I'm talking 3 and 4 years old) his parents have always asked his opinion  about everything, he has always been treated like one of the adults. When we were younger he would boss me around and if I didn't do what he said he would yell and hit me until I did, and I would always tell my mom later and when she would ask my aunt and uncle to get him to stop doing that to me they would always say that I was making it up to get him into trouble. Well that went on for years and my parents put up with it because IT WAS FAMILY. Then when my cousin and I were 16 we where downstairs in my grandmas basement playing pool, and he started asking me to undress for him and when I said no he started in on sexual harassment, so I told my mom later that night well she called my aunt and uncle, and they siad the same thing that I was making it all up and my cousin did nothing wrong. Well my mom and dad cut off all contact with them and I went two years with out seeing them, well now my cousin has moved in with my grandmother and I'm not going to not see my grandmother so now I run into him on occasion, and when I do he is very rude and he treats his parents and my 77 year old grandmother like dirt, Oh and on top of that he is dating a 15 year old girl (he is 19) and I can't say a word because it won't do any good.
So if kids have no discipline they will most likely turn out like my cousin or maybe worse.

 
August 22, 2007, 11:24 am CDT

Step-Parent trying to keep my family together

My step daughter who is now 13 came to live with us two years ago. Before she came to live with us she would call all the time  telling us about how things with her grandmother were pretty bad and she didn't want to live there anymore, we did not react on this right away we waited a year to see how things would change and she still insisted that she no longer wanted to live there.

Her mother really hasn't been in her life at all for the past 11 years, more so when its convenient for her to be. My heart went out to her and we decided to go for custody of her. My fiance of 6 years was awarded full custody with no visitation awarded to the mother at the time because of her criminal past and failing to appear to court to established her parental rights.

I will admit we believed everything she told us that was going on at her grandmothers and we felt sorry for her but boy did we get a rude of awaking really fast when she came to live with us. 

It started almost immediately with lying, not doing her chores that we allowed her to choose and blaming everyone for the things she did.  I know it doesn't seem so bad most kids do this kind of thing and i understand this but it has gotten really bad.

 I am a stay at home mother so i got the brunt of most of it. Her father worked very long hours and was not home for most of what i was going through and at the time did not believe what i was telling him. I expected this because of me being a step-mother and that being his daughter. It had gotten really bad at home to the point i dreaded waking up everyday.She  back talks me, lies to me about everything, steal my things and tell me she never had them, stole from friends at school and told me she got punished because of a fight, not bring her grade cards home and tell me that she gave it to me i must have lost it, the whole time  it was in her folder, was staying after school for some help with some classes she was not performing well in then i find out she wasn't even staying for the classes she was walking home after school with boys.  She would throw things at me, scream at me, and no matter what punishment we gave her she would make fun of it. She told me that grounding her was a joke because she got grounded for not doing it, and she still wasn't going to do it because we already took everything from her so she didn't have anything else to lose by not doing it. But if anyone outside the family would ask her about this stuff she would immediately burst into tears and play the innocent card that it wasn't her doing this bad stuff it was me making it sound like it was that bad.

She has even went as far as accuse me of leaving bruises on her arms, that her book-bag she was carrying for school left. I would find letters all over the house that she was writing her mom telling her that I was hitting her when it was just not true, and thank god her dad was home when she told them I was supposed to have done this because he knew I did not do it. Then things really got worse, She cut her self with a dry-wall screw all over her arms, and face, I had just laid my son to bed and they sleep in the same room she was awake when i laid him down, it was exactly 10 minutes later she came down and stood in front of me and i about freaked to see her like that, I asked her what had happened and she told me that my cat jumped off the bed and did that, my cat has no claws, when i reminded her of that she quickly changed her story to a ghost came into her room and did it.  Concerned about my son being in the same room i went to check on him and found the dry-wall screw under her blankets, I wiped it off and found blood on it.  I confronted her about this and gave it to her dad and she still to this day denies that she did that to herself. Not to mention every time she gets in trouble she becomes ill to the point we have to take her to the doctor so she will leave us alone about it.

I contacted her doctor and took her in for a visit and some help because things were getting way out of hand. After speaking with us separate he brought us in together and asked me why her father was against counseling, I explained to him that was not the case and we would not be in his office if it was.  He then proceeded to tell me that she feels she wasn't getting enough attention, so I asked him how much attention is enough we divided our time equally between the children and i will not treat them differently.  He then looked at my step-daughter and explained to her that this was not going to work unless she tries to make it work also.  He then asked me how I felt about the things that were going on, I told him i was scared for my family that this would never stop and over the months if we don't give in to her the worse she makes life for her father and I, and now she is hurting herself and worried me about her hurting my son. He then explained to me that it was not going to matter how much attention that I paid to her or father in her eyes it would never be enough and if i thought things were bad now it was going to get worse in the future.

So I thought well I am going to take her with me to my mothers this summer and maybe she can see how a family works together and want that for us to. Biggest mistake I ever made, first night there she stayed with my sister and her daughter who is the same age as my step daughter. They got caught sneaking out to let some 16 year old guys look at them from the house across the street, she then started telling my niece that her dad couldn't stand her and the only reason she was allowed to come was because I begged him.  She then  came to me and explained to me that she had found the shorts that were missing after my nieces last visit to my house and that she had stolen them, only to find out that she gave them to my niece and then decided she wanted them back. She became very upset with me, when she was being paid to watch my younger niece and nephew and left him alone in the swimming pool that came up to his neck, when i walked out and saw this i grabbed him out of the pool, and found her out front with some boy. She was upset because i made her go in the house and started kicking my mothers furniture and yelling.

 My sister later came to me and was concerned about the comments that my step-daughter was saying her father made about my niece, I was so furious i couldn't even speak to my step-daughter at that time, I could not believe that she would tell someone some awful lies like that to hurt someone's feelings.  Well by this time I had had enough and called and left a message for her father to call me back.  Then left to go to the store with my mother.

As i was pulling up my sister who lived right next door came out and told me that my fiance was on the phone and my step-daughter had been talking to him for awhile and asked her to lie to me and tell me she never talked to him.  When i got the phone I immediately got my butt chewed out him telling me that he was coming to pick my step-daughter up that weekend and how dare I treat her so awful when she had no family there but me. He wouldn't even give me 2 seconds to explain to him what was really going on. I just in anger hung up on him and my mother came up to check on me she heard me upset. My mother being my mother was upset about what my step-daughter had done and brought her upstairs against me telling her to just let it be, and told her she needed to see what she had done. That I have went out of my way to be her friend and care for her and what she done was wrong. Later that night i finally called her dad back and was told that she called him and told him that I was treating her really bad and she had been grounded the whole time she was there and that was not true she was never grounded but for the one week her father asked me to ground her for sneaking  out.  I also at that time found out she called her grandmother ( my fiance's mother) and told her that she over heard me and my sister talking and I said how bad I hated her and didn't want her in my life anymore, this was a complete lie and that has to this day never came out of my mouth.

I confronted my step-daughter about her calling her grandmother and telling her that and it took a bit but she finally told me that she did tell her that but it was a lie, so i then explained to her that she needed to call her back and tell her the truth she agreed in front of my mother to do so.  When I finally got ahold of her grandmother and explained to her that my step-daughter had something she needed to talk to her about, my step-daughter acted like she had no clue what I was talking about and had no clue why i called her grandmother,  and then the grandmother stated that she didn't know what I was talking about either that my step-daughter never told her that either.  So now i as looking at ok you called me and told me she did and now your telling me she didn't tell you that.  I knew she was just covering up for my step-daughter and was going to make it so much worse for her to learn that it is not ok to lie on people because you hurt then and now she was doing it for her now.

This has totally destroyed the friendship that her dad's mother and I had, we were really close and now I barely talk to her. I am still hurt that she would accuse me of doing something and then lie and tell me she never told me that, almost like when i needed her the most she turned her back on me.

So the lying got worse, she was leaving letters at my parents house when we would go visit saying her dad was cheating on me, was telling her dad that I was on the Internet cheating on him, listening on my phone calls to my parents and telling her dad that I was saying things I was not saying at all. She would even go as far and going to her room when she knew he was about ready to come home and if she had gotten in trouble that day she would lie to him and make it like it was my fault before I ever got a chance to talk to him about it, and sadly for awhile it worked, and all came out when i stressed great concern that no matter what she does she never gets punished for it by him. She even explained to me one night that her mother's boyfriend was tickling her and he made her feel uncomfortable and didn't want to be around him. But she in no way wanted me to tell her dad about it. I explained to her that I had no choice but to tell him for visits with her mom was up to him and if he didn't know and something bad happened I could not live with myself.

 But with everything going on and the deliberate attempts to destroy any kind of relationship her father and I had I decided it was best to move to my mothers house for awhile. In this time i was gone she started treating her dad the same way she treated me for the 2 years she has lived with us. Lying about everything, stealing from him, he even would ask her to do things like go to the movies and out to eat things she said we never did her response was get away from me dad your annoying. He then realized it was never about us doing family things it was about her getting what she wanted she wanted me gone so she could be alone and do what she wanted to while he was working. So with me being gone he got a big smack in the face to what I had been trying to tell him for many years.

About two months ago while I was gone her mother got visitation of her daughter, and is now allowed 8 hours every other weekend under supervised visitation,  and the boyfriend is not allowed to be around for the visitation.  My step-daughter wants to go spend nights with her and the man she accused of touching her and making her feel uncomfortable like its no big deal so i don't know what to believe anymore if he did it or not. She lied on me and i am not about destroying someones life over a possible lie.

 I moved back home about month ago and things are starting all over again, they are allot better between her father and I. But were in and out court with her mother because she keeps telling her mom 1/2 truths costing us so much money. She gets in trouble she is sick and needs to go to the doctor.  It has took a toll on this family to the point her dad is giving up he is ready to just let her do what ever she wants because he feels it just doesn't matter anymore. 

I am tired of walking on egg shells in my own home, My home is ran by a 13 year old kid despite any attempt we try to teach her she can't do that she does it anyway. You have to watch everything you say and how you say it or we get court papers in the mail, I am tired of her telling us she doesn't want to talk to her mom she hates her, then tells her mom her dad tells her to hate her mom and she wants to come visit but he won't let her she plays both sides of the fence.  I am tired of it all, I am gripping at straws trying to keep my family together and have exhausted every punishment I can think of with out being violent. Can someone please help me.............
 
August 22, 2007, 7:58 pm CDT

Shimmer

Quote From: shimmer_022000

My step daughter who is now 13 came to live with us two years ago. Before she came to live with us she would call all the time  telling us about how things with her grandmother were pretty bad and she didn't want to live there anymore, we did not react on this right away we waited a year to see how things would change and she still insisted that she no longer wanted to live there.

Her mother really hasn't been in her life at all for the past 11 years, more so when its convenient for her to be. My heart went out to her and we decided to go for custody of her. My fiance of 6 years was awarded full custody with no visitation awarded to the mother at the time because of her criminal past and failing to appear to court to established her parental rights.

I will admit we believed everything she told us that was going on at her grandmothers and we felt sorry for her but boy did we get a rude of awaking really fast when she came to live with us. 

It started almost immediately with lying, not doing her chores that we allowed her to choose and blaming everyone for the things she did.  I know it doesn't seem so bad most kids do this kind of thing and i understand this but it has gotten really bad.

 I am a stay at home mother so i got the brunt of most of it. Her father worked very long hours and was not home for most of what i was going through and at the time did not believe what i was telling him. I expected this because of me being a step-mother and that being his daughter. It had gotten really bad at home to the point i dreaded waking up everyday.She  back talks me, lies to me about everything, steal my things and tell me she never had them, stole from friends at school and told me she got punished because of a fight, not bring her grade cards home and tell me that she gave it to me i must have lost it, the whole time  it was in her folder, was staying after school for some help with some classes she was not performing well in then i find out she wasn't even staying for the classes she was walking home after school with boys.  She would throw things at me, scream at me, and no matter what punishment we gave her she would make fun of it. She told me that grounding her was a joke because she got grounded for not doing it, and she still wasn't going to do it because we already took everything from her so she didn't have anything else to lose by not doing it. But if anyone outside the family would ask her about this stuff she would immediately burst into tears and play the innocent card that it wasn't her doing this bad stuff it was me making it sound like it was that bad.

She has even went as far as accuse me of leaving bruises on her arms, that her book-bag she was carrying for school left. I would find letters all over the house that she was writing her mom telling her that I was hitting her when it was just not true, and thank god her dad was home when she told them I was supposed to have done this because he knew I did not do it. Then things really got worse, She cut her self with a dry-wall screw all over her arms, and face, I had just laid my son to bed and they sleep in the same room she was awake when i laid him down, it was exactly 10 minutes later she came down and stood in front of me and i about freaked to see her like that, I asked her what had happened and she told me that my cat jumped off the bed and did that, my cat has no claws, when i reminded her of that she quickly changed her story to a ghost came into her room and did it.  Concerned about my son being in the same room i went to check on him and found the dry-wall screw under her blankets, I wiped it off and found blood on it.  I confronted her about this and gave it to her dad and she still to this day denies that she did that to herself. Not to mention every time she gets in trouble she becomes ill to the point we have to take her to the doctor so she will leave us alone about it.

I contacted her doctor and took her in for a visit and some help because things were getting way out of hand. After speaking with us separate he brought us in together and asked me why her father was against counseling, I explained to him that was not the case and we would not be in his office if it was.  He then proceeded to tell me that she feels she wasn't getting enough attention, so I asked him how much attention is enough we divided our time equally between the children and i will not treat them differently.  He then looked at my step-daughter and explained to her that this was not going to work unless she tries to make it work also.  He then asked me how I felt about the things that were going on, I told him i was scared for my family that this would never stop and over the months if we don't give in to her the worse she makes life for her father and I, and now she is hurting herself and worried me about her hurting my son. He then explained to me that it was not going to matter how much attention that I paid to her or father in her eyes it would never be enough and if i thought things were bad now it was going to get worse in the future.

So I thought well I am going to take her with me to my mothers this summer and maybe she can see how a family works together and want that for us to. Biggest mistake I ever made, first night there she stayed with my sister and her daughter who is the same age as my step daughter. They got caught sneaking out to let some 16 year old guys look at them from the house across the street, she then started telling my niece that her dad couldn't stand her and the only reason she was allowed to come was because I begged him.  She then  came to me and explained to me that she had found the shorts that were missing after my nieces last visit to my house and that she had stolen them, only to find out that she gave them to my niece and then decided she wanted them back. She became very upset with me, when she was being paid to watch my younger niece and nephew and left him alone in the swimming pool that came up to his neck, when i walked out and saw this i grabbed him out of the pool, and found her out front with some boy. She was upset because i made her go in the house and started kicking my mothers furniture and yelling.

 My sister later came to me and was concerned about the comments that my step-daughter was saying her father made about my niece, I was so furious i couldn't even speak to my step-daughter at that time, I could not believe that she would tell someone some awful lies like that to hurt someone's feelings.  Well by this time I had had enough and called and left a message for her father to call me back.  Then left to go to the store with my mother.

As i was pulling up my sister who lived right next door came out and told me that my fiance was on the phone and my step-daughter had been talking to him for awhile and asked her to lie to me and tell me she never talked to him.  When i got the phone I immediately got my butt chewed out him telling me that he was coming to pick my step-daughter up that weekend and how dare I treat her so awful when she had no family there but me. He wouldn't even give me 2 seconds to explain to him what was really going on. I just in anger hung up on him and my mother came up to check on me she heard me upset. My mother being my mother was upset about what my step-daughter had done and brought her upstairs against me telling her to just let it be, and told her she needed to see what she had done. That I have went out of my way to be her friend and care for her and what she done was wrong. Later that night i finally called her dad back and was told that she called him and told him that I was treating her really bad and she had been grounded the whole time she was there and that was not true she was never grounded but for the one week her father asked me to ground her for sneaking  out.  I also at that time found out she called her grandmother ( my fiance's mother) and told her that she over heard me and my sister talking and I said how bad I hated her and didn't want her in my life anymore, this was a complete lie and that has to this day never came out of my mouth.

I confronted my step-daughter about her calling her grandmother and telling her that and it took a bit but she finally told me that she did tell her that but it was a lie, so i then explained to her that she needed to call her back and tell her the truth she agreed in front of my mother to do so.  When I finally got ahold of her grandmother and explained to her that my step-daughter had something she needed to talk to her about, my step-daughter acted like she had no clue what I was talking about and had no clue why i called her grandmother,  and then the grandmother stated that she didn't know what I was talking about either that my step-daughter never told her that either.  So now i as looking at ok you called me and told me she did and now your telling me she didn't tell you that.  I knew she was just covering up for my step-daughter and was going to make it so much worse for her to learn that it is not ok to lie on people because you hurt then and now she was doing it for her now.

This has totally destroyed the friendship that her dad's mother and I had, we were really close and now I barely talk to her. I am still hurt that she would accuse me of doing something and then lie and tell me she never told me that, almost like when i needed her the most she turned her back on me.

So the lying got worse, she was leaving letters at my parents house when we would go visit saying her dad was cheating on me, was telling her dad that I was on the Internet cheating on him, listening on my phone calls to my parents and telling her dad that I was saying things I was not saying at all. She would even go as far and going to her room when she knew he was about ready to come home and if she had gotten in trouble that day she would lie to him and make it like it was my fault before I ever got a chance to talk to him about it, and sadly for awhile it worked, and all came out when i stressed great concern that no matter what she does she never gets punished for it by him. She even explained to me one night that her mother's boyfriend was tickling her and he made her feel uncomfortable and didn't want to be around him. But she in no way wanted me to tell her dad about it. I explained to her that I had no choice but to tell him for visits with her mom was up to him and if he didn't know and something bad happened I could not live with myself.

 But with everything going on and the deliberate attempts to destroy any kind of relationship her father and I had I decided it was best to move to my mothers house for awhile. In this time i was gone she started treating her dad the same way she treated me for the 2 years she has lived with us. Lying about everything, stealing from him, he even would ask her to do things like go to the movies and out to eat things she said we never did her response was get away from me dad your annoying. He then realized it was never about us doing family things it was about her getting what she wanted she wanted me gone so she could be alone and do what she wanted to while he was working. So with me being gone he got a big smack in the face to what I had been trying to tell him for many years.

About two months ago while I was gone her mother got visitation of her daughter, and is now allowed 8 hours every other weekend under supervised visitation,  and the boyfriend is not allowed to be around for the visitation.  My step-daughter wants to go spend nights with her and the man she accused of touching her and making her feel uncomfortable like its no big deal so i don't know what to believe anymore if he did it or not. She lied on me and i am not about destroying someones life over a possible lie.

 I moved back home about month ago and things are starting all over again, they are allot better between her father and I. But were in and out court with her mother because she keeps telling her mom 1/2 truths costing us so much money. She gets in trouble she is sick and needs to go to the doctor.  It has took a toll on this family to the point her dad is giving up he is ready to just let her do what ever she wants because he feels it just doesn't matter anymore. 

I am tired of walking on egg shells in my own home, My home is ran by a 13 year old kid despite any attempt we try to teach her she can't do that she does it anyway. You have to watch everything you say and how you say it or we get court papers in the mail, I am tired of her telling us she doesn't want to talk to her mom she hates her, then tells her mom her dad tells her to hate her mom and she wants to come visit but he won't let her she plays both sides of the fence.  I am tired of it all, I am gripping at straws trying to keep my family together and have exhausted every punishment I can think of with out being violent. Can someone please help me.............

I read your post, yes all of it, and had to respond since you took the time to sahre so much and be so open about the horrors you have been living through.

First and formost, get a small video camera for the common rooms, the living room and the kitchen. Start taping your daughter, so that you at least will have some proof to back up what you have been saying.

Once you have gathered up some video of your step daughters behaviors, take it to her social worker and have the social worker view it and make her own assesment.

As hard as it may be stand your ground and be firm with her.

Start looking around for a really good treatment program for teens, there are some really good ones, that do not pander to manipulative and abusive behaviors from youths. It may be that she will have to remain at a treatment center for six months to a year, but it will be so worth it! For her and your family!

I think if you did a search on the internet you can find a reputable and appropriate program for her.

She is costing you a lot of money already, and it is geting you no were, invest that money in getting her help.  She has really got the manipulation of the court and childwelfare system down pat. Get some video documentation about what is really going on.

As for the lies, when you know she is lieing, which is almost every time she opens her mouth, let her know , I know you are lying and I do not want to hear it, thank you.

Keep saying that, every time, every time! do not waver, or give her opportunities to lie.

Stop giving her the pay offs. Continue to offer your time for positive and constructive activities. If she starts to act out, say ok, guess you had enough quality time, get up move onto something else. Do this every single time!

Also, your husband needs to practice this as well and not waver. Furthermore, never be divided on issues in regards to your children, step children or otherwise. You and he must be a united fron at all times, even if you disagree, disagree in private Quietly!

Stealing, lock up all valuables in your bedroom and put a lock on your door.

Arguing or talking back, Hold both hands in front of you and firmly say Stop! If she stops calmly say if you have something to say to me, come to me when you can say it without yelling. Then walk away. Everytime! If she does not stop yelling after you have held out both hands in front of you and said Stop! simply walk away. Every time!

Do not ever give reponsabilities to this child that involves other children. In fact show that you do not have faith in her abilites to be responsable and hire a babysitter to come watch the young ones, and you and hubby go our for a hour. Is that harsh? Yup, it is emberassing for a 13 year old not to be trusted enough to look after the younger siblings, but the message is very very clear. Do this a few times untill she starts to show improvement, if she does not show improvement in being responsible, get a baby sitter!

Punishemnts do not work with her, she is getting a pay off by being shown that you have lost control and have resorted to punishment.

Does not clean her room? Bag up everything that is on her floor, give her exactly three outfits to wear, two for school one for when she is at home, that is it. You can change the outfits around if you choose, but only two school outfits and one home outfit is all she can have, and she needs to wash and dry and fold and put them away. If she chooses not to wash, dry and fold her own clothes, then you can do it for her and simply give her back the same items to wear the next week.

Phone calls, let her know that from now one she is going to have to ask permision to use the phone, every time! Take out easily assesable phones of she does not comply with this and lock them up in your room. Get yourself a remote phone that you can keep with you.

Bath times, bed times, Bath time is same time every night, she has one hour to get her bath, teeth and hair brushed and into her pajamas. Bet time t.v is turned off, radio, stereo what ever is turned off and children are put to bed. If she refuses to go to bed the T.V stays OFF, let her sit on the couch.

Rewards, have to be creative, the cleaning room one, is that for every week she keeps her room clean she gets another artical of clothing back, if she backslides a artical is removed, right up untill she may be left with the original three outfits, thats going to really suck for a thirteen year old lol.

Bath time, bed time, if she is doing well with this then she can pick a movie night either friday or saterday, and movie to watch for that night. Obviously this means bed time is extended for that night, Yaaa =).

Lieing, get a book with her name and the days of the week in it, for every lie she is caught in she gets a black mark, if within a week she has a total of say twenty black marks, she loses the opportunity to pick a fun activity that the whole family can participate in, could be swimming the park, roller skating, I don't know you will have to decide what activities to give her to choose from.

If she has less than ten black marks, she can choose an activitie, she is trying. As time progresses you can make it more dificult to attain the privilage of picking a family outing, say lessen it to 19 black marks, 18, 17, 16, so on so forth. If she gets to a point were the lies have stopped Great, but continue to go out on family outings that the kids can choose lol.

Also, be clear about what the expectation is, and what the rewards or disadvantages for not trying are, and let her know that the family will nto be paying for her lack of trying, but will go on a outing without her, does that hurt, heck yea, but you cannot make the other children pay for her deceptions.

The sexual abuse, yikes that is a tricky one, but you know what you need to believe her, unless it can be proven unequvically that it did not happen. At this point in time it is really not a issue as she will not be allowed to be around her mom when that man is there.

hope that these suggestions are helpful, if I missed anything and I am sure I did, I will post again. This all comes from experience with working in a youth treatment center and then with children in crisis. It is going to be a tough go for you, but please hang in there. And yes get her into see a youth counsellor, and continue to research treatment facilities, as an option if you do not notice improvement within a couple of months. I have had to work with some very disturbed children in a very short period of time with great success, so I have every faith that you can too!

If you wan to pick my brain, i would be more than happy to share with you anything I can that will be helpful to you and your family.

Keep in Touch! Sending you a healing hug and some strength and courage =)

Hugs

Tammy

 

 

 

 
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