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Topic : My Friend/Relative Won't Discipline!

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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:50:18 pm
Author : dataimport
Other people's parenting can be a total nightmare. How do you cope? Share your stories.

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August 23, 2007, 6:37 am CDT

My Friend/Relative Won't Discipline!

Quote From: tammy_anne

I read your post, yes all of it, and had to respond since you took the time to sahre so much and be so open about the horrors you have been living through.

First and formost, get a small video camera for the common rooms, the living room and the kitchen. Start taping your daughter, so that you at least will have some proof to back up what you have been saying.

Once you have gathered up some video of your step daughters behaviors, take it to her social worker and have the social worker view it and make her own assesment.

As hard as it may be stand your ground and be firm with her.

Start looking around for a really good treatment program for teens, there are some really good ones, that do not pander to manipulative and abusive behaviors from youths. It may be that she will have to remain at a treatment center for six months to a year, but it will be so worth it! For her and your family!

I think if you did a search on the internet you can find a reputable and appropriate program for her.

She is costing you a lot of money already, and it is geting you no were, invest that money in getting her help.  She has really got the manipulation of the court and childwelfare system down pat. Get some video documentation about what is really going on.

As for the lies, when you know she is lieing, which is almost every time she opens her mouth, let her know , I know you are lying and I do not want to hear it, thank you.

Keep saying that, every time, every time! do not waver, or give her opportunities to lie.

Stop giving her the pay offs. Continue to offer your time for positive and constructive activities. If she starts to act out, say ok, guess you had enough quality time, get up move onto something else. Do this every single time!

Also, your husband needs to practice this as well and not waver. Furthermore, never be divided on issues in regards to your children, step children or otherwise. You and he must be a united fron at all times, even if you disagree, disagree in private Quietly!

Stealing, lock up all valuables in your bedroom and put a lock on your door.

Arguing or talking back, Hold both hands in front of you and firmly say Stop! If she stops calmly say if you have something to say to me, come to me when you can say it without yelling. Then walk away. Everytime! If she does not stop yelling after you have held out both hands in front of you and said Stop! simply walk away. Every time!

Do not ever give reponsabilities to this child that involves other children. In fact show that you do not have faith in her abilites to be responsable and hire a babysitter to come watch the young ones, and you and hubby go our for a hour. Is that harsh? Yup, it is emberassing for a 13 year old not to be trusted enough to look after the younger siblings, but the message is very very clear. Do this a few times untill she starts to show improvement, if she does not show improvement in being responsible, get a baby sitter!

Punishemnts do not work with her, she is getting a pay off by being shown that you have lost control and have resorted to punishment.

Does not clean her room? Bag up everything that is on her floor, give her exactly three outfits to wear, two for school one for when she is at home, that is it. You can change the outfits around if you choose, but only two school outfits and one home outfit is all she can have, and she needs to wash and dry and fold and put them away. If she chooses not to wash, dry and fold her own clothes, then you can do it for her and simply give her back the same items to wear the next week.

Phone calls, let her know that from now one she is going to have to ask permision to use the phone, every time! Take out easily assesable phones of she does not comply with this and lock them up in your room. Get yourself a remote phone that you can keep with you.

Bath times, bed times, Bath time is same time every night, she has one hour to get her bath, teeth and hair brushed and into her pajamas. Bet time t.v is turned off, radio, stereo what ever is turned off and children are put to bed. If she refuses to go to bed the T.V stays OFF, let her sit on the couch.

Rewards, have to be creative, the cleaning room one, is that for every week she keeps her room clean she gets another artical of clothing back, if she backslides a artical is removed, right up untill she may be left with the original three outfits, thats going to really suck for a thirteen year old lol.

Bath time, bed time, if she is doing well with this then she can pick a movie night either friday or saterday, and movie to watch for that night. Obviously this means bed time is extended for that night, Yaaa =).

Lieing, get a book with her name and the days of the week in it, for every lie she is caught in she gets a black mark, if within a week she has a total of say twenty black marks, she loses the opportunity to pick a fun activity that the whole family can participate in, could be swimming the park, roller skating, I don't know you will have to decide what activities to give her to choose from.

If she has less than ten black marks, she can choose an activitie, she is trying. As time progresses you can make it more dificult to attain the privilage of picking a family outing, say lessen it to 19 black marks, 18, 17, 16, so on so forth. If she gets to a point were the lies have stopped Great, but continue to go out on family outings that the kids can choose lol.

Also, be clear about what the expectation is, and what the rewards or disadvantages for not trying are, and let her know that the family will nto be paying for her lack of trying, but will go on a outing without her, does that hurt, heck yea, but you cannot make the other children pay for her deceptions.

The sexual abuse, yikes that is a tricky one, but you know what you need to believe her, unless it can be proven unequvically that it did not happen. At this point in time it is really not a issue as she will not be allowed to be around her mom when that man is there.

hope that these suggestions are helpful, if I missed anything and I am sure I did, I will post again. This all comes from experience with working in a youth treatment center and then with children in crisis. It is going to be a tough go for you, but please hang in there. And yes get her into see a youth counsellor, and continue to research treatment facilities, as an option if you do not notice improvement within a couple of months. I have had to work with some very disturbed children in a very short period of time with great success, so I have every faith that you can too!

If you wan to pick my brain, i would be more than happy to share with you anything I can that will be helpful to you and your family.

Keep in Touch! Sending you a healing hug and some strength and courage =)

Hugs

Tammy

 

 

 

I was wondering if you have a messenger or email that i can add. I have many questions and situations that i could use some advice on.  One being the computer, I found out this week that the reason she lied about me cheating on her dad, was the Internet. She was upset because she wanted the computer all the time. Since I have been home for the month i only get on when she is at school to check mail and such, her father and I used to play games now we do not because she was giving us so much problems about not doing family things together.  It's like the tables have turned. She gets home from school at 3 p.m. and she is on the Internet till she goes to bed at 9:30p.m. and on the phone. She does not want to do anything with the family as long as she has the computer.  Her dad said something about this to her this week, said he found it funny how she always complained to us about never doing family stuff, and even told her doctor this as well, and yet we have tried to do more family stuff since she felt so strong about about it and she wants no part of it because she has the computer now. He told her knew why she lied it had nothing to do with us not doing stuff as a family she just wanted the computer so she made him believe i was cheating on him to get what she wanted.  Her response was thats different your 33 and she is 26 you don't need to be on the computer that much.  Should I stand up here and say nope not going to work like that? You made everyone around miserable to the point we can't stand the computer and now its ok as long as your on it? Limit the computer time from 4-6 and the rest of the time she can watch movies with the family?  My fiance seems to think that if i push her to do things she doesn't want to do she is going to make our life worse. I fully expect her to thats her trait do something she doesn't like she gets sick or starts stuff with other family members about you. But what she is doing isn't right either. She hated life as long as we were on the computer doing something we liked to do made it out to be something it wasn't. We gave up what we liked to do thinking it was because she wanted to spend more time with the family and that wasn't the case at all she just wanted the computer all to herself.  Now she is on the computer all day and never says a word about family stuff anymore doesn't even want to go unless we make her.
 
August 23, 2007, 1:11 pm CDT

Shimmer

Quote From: shimmer_022000

I was wondering if you have a messenger or email that i can add. I have many questions and situations that i could use some advice on.  One being the computer, I found out this week that the reason she lied about me cheating on her dad, was the Internet. She was upset because she wanted the computer all the time. Since I have been home for the month i only get on when she is at school to check mail and such, her father and I used to play games now we do not because she was giving us so much problems about not doing family things together.  It's like the tables have turned. She gets home from school at 3 p.m. and she is on the Internet till she goes to bed at 9:30p.m. and on the phone. She does not want to do anything with the family as long as she has the computer.  Her dad said something about this to her this week, said he found it funny how she always complained to us about never doing family stuff, and even told her doctor this as well, and yet we have tried to do more family stuff since she felt so strong about about it and she wants no part of it because she has the computer now. He told her knew why she lied it had nothing to do with us not doing stuff as a family she just wanted the computer so she made him believe i was cheating on him to get what she wanted.  Her response was thats different your 33 and she is 26 you don't need to be on the computer that much.  Should I stand up here and say nope not going to work like that? You made everyone around miserable to the point we can't stand the computer and now its ok as long as your on it? Limit the computer time from 4-6 and the rest of the time she can watch movies with the family?  My fiance seems to think that if i push her to do things she doesn't want to do she is going to make our life worse. I fully expect her to thats her trait do something she doesn't like she gets sick or starts stuff with other family members about you. But what she is doing isn't right either. She hated life as long as we were on the computer doing something we liked to do made it out to be something it wasn't. We gave up what we liked to do thinking it was because she wanted to spend more time with the family and that wasn't the case at all she just wanted the computer all to herself.  Now she is on the computer all day and never says a word about family stuff anymore doesn't even want to go unless we make her.

Hey shimmer, youlimiting the computer time is a great idea. Computers have really been a point of contention with the women and children that I work with lol. But yes there is strick times of when and how long they can remain on the computer. They may not like it but thatis the rule, take it pr leave it, they usually take it lol :).

Yea, once you start laying the law down and enforce it consistently things are going to be rough for awhile, but do not waver, the first time you or your hubby crumble you are going to have to start the process all over again!

Yes she will balk, drag her feet and even may esculate her behaviors, the behaviors she has been using are working and are ingrained so much that she is going to have a real struggle letting them go. But she has to, they are not behaviors that are going to do her any good once she becomes an adult.

For us, once the time limit has come the computer is shut off and the key board locked up.

Get yourself that remote phone hun, and pack away the land lines. She needs to ask to use the phone, not so far back when I was a kid using the phone was a privilage, and one that I did not abuse.Nothing has changed in that regard. You and your husband are responsible for the phone, and therefore it is a privilage for her to use it, otherwise she can go to the corner pay phone and use her own money to make calls.

I have an email, mended-spirit@hotmail.com, you can email me any time. I should set up messanger again, sigh redid my computer a couple weeks ago, and have not got around to doing it yet...procrastination is crummy :( .

It is a tough situation to be in, but having worked with literaly hundreds of troubled children ranging from age one to 16, it can be done, but consistency is really the key to success, and most importantly the mom and dads participation. Going to have to treat Dad, like a mom though since my work with men was limited to mens group for batterers.

As for when she starts stuff with other family members, your hubby and you can let them know that her lieing and behaviors ahve gotten to the point were intervention has become necassary and that means she has to begin following rules and strict guidelines, and may come to them for sympathy, and may lie to them to get it. Simply let them know you would appreciate it, if they would contact either of you with their concerns, and that you appreciate their support in helping this child learn positive and healthy coping skills and behaviors.

Again totally agree with you about the computer time limit!

Keep in touch, sending you all a big healing hug!

Hugs

Tammy

 

 

 

 
August 29, 2007, 6:59 pm CDT

Baby Brother

Ok...I need help to deal with my baby brother.  I am 27 the oldes of 3.  I do not have a lot of contact with my middle step-brother.  My 15 year old brother I have been somewhat close to him.  He is totally destroying his life...I think.  He has taken my parents car in the middle of the night, been kicked out of school on several occasions for chewing tobacco, today-they caught him smoking pot in the one and only bathroom.  He is sooo angry.  He cusses them and just acts so disrespectful.  I am so beside myself.  I don't feel the punishment has been aggressive enough!!  He has been raised in church and he know right from wrong.  He doesn't care.  I am afraid he will hurt them.  He has already put his hand on my mom and my step-dad.  (He is my half-brother.) I feel something drastic needs to happen but, what??  He is out of control!!  I think these are all cries for help!!  I need suggestions for my parents.  My parents are fighting about in non-stop.  What are their next steps?

 

Help!!

 
September 10, 2007, 4:11 pm CDT

a 16 year old that's excited to help

Quote From: beany321

Ok...I need help to deal with my baby brother.  I am 27 the oldes of 3.  I do not have a lot of contact with my middle step-brother.  My 15 year old brother I have been somewhat close to him.  He is totally destroying his life...I think.  He has taken my parents car in the middle of the night, been kicked out of school on several occasions for chewing tobacco, today-they caught him smoking pot in the one and only bathroom.  He is sooo angry.  He cusses them and just acts so disrespectful.  I am so beside myself.  I don't feel the punishment has been aggressive enough!!  He has been raised in church and he know right from wrong.  He doesn't care.  I am afraid he will hurt them.  He has already put his hand on my mom and my step-dad.  (He is my half-brother.) I feel something drastic needs to happen but, what??  He is out of control!!  I think these are all cries for help!!  I need suggestions for my parents.  My parents are fighting about in non-stop.  What are their next steps?

 

Help!!

Some teenagers are hard to control. Seriously. They think they know everything and they believe that it won't catch up to them. He doesn't relize what he is doing is wrong because he's a teen. Usually parents just need to ask their child what is wrong? If your brother is not obeying your parents the next step they have is getting help for him. He could be angry about something or he is just doing it for attention. You really never know because us teens these days really don't want to talk about what we are going through. Suggest to your parents to talk to him calmly, have the tell them that is is ok to talk to them. If that doesn't work maybe you could talk to him. You were a teen not to long ago and you should know how hard it's gotten in the world to be labeled as cool or uncool. If he has a temper problem you need to figure out what the main cause is. Or just get him help.

 

Hope I helped..I love this job =]

 
September 17, 2007, 7:42 am CDT

When to cut off family for the good of your child?

Greetings all.

 

     This is just the most frustrating situation...and most disappointing. Pete and I are older parents, we started a bit late you might say as I'm turning 40 this year and our little girl is just 5, but while I woudln't mind being a bit younger we both felt we were definately ready to be parents.

     From the time our daughter was born both of us made some changes such as being very mindful of the things we say etc. We've really given our all in doing what we can to be good parents in all ways and as a result we are very happy and proud to say our daughter is a very well behaved, bright, loving little girl and we enjoy her to no end. Unfortunately the same cannot be said of her cousins.

     At 11 my nephew has been nothing but trouble for years now in school as well as at home...and at 5 his little sister, my niece, appears quick to follow in his footsteps. My sister in law has "mothered" these children to death since born, not allowed or enforced any kind of regular discipline, and the fruits her misguided labors have born her are two very ill mannered, rude, and out of control kids. There is a supreme lack of respect for authority (adults in general) and a tendancy to bully whenever the opportunity arises which not only includes verbally but also hitting, kicking, etc.

     So far we have been sucessful in controlling the conditions in our own home......we have rules here and all within these walls respect and obey them without question INCLUDING my nephew and niece.....however our rules don't reach so far as to within the limits of their own home (naturally/we are not their parents) and recently the last few times my daughter was a guest there she has been bullied and hit. My sister in law and brother made some attempt at punishment however it seems it's maybe a little to little and a little to late as it seems we go through the same routine each and every time. My sister in law actually had the nerve to become upset with me while the topic of wills had come up because she had assumed Pete and I would trust her with the raising of our daughter should anything unforseen happen to us....which is absolutely not the case and she took offense to it.

     With the kids causing so much trouble Pete is ready to cut off all ties with my brother and his family. I do in some ways completely understand how and why he feels this way HOWEVER since we do rule the roost in our own home, where the children do respect us, I feel the better solution is to keep the family connection allowing them to come and visit etc BUT simply not allow our daughter to go visit and stay with them anymore unless Pete or myself are there with her. If in the future there comes a time when my niece and nephew choose to not obey our rule in our home then at that time I would say we'd be left no other choice then to cut off ties....but right now I feel as if we are the best examples these children have, and we love them regardless as to how their own parents are choosing to raise them, and so unless there comes a time when their presence here in our home is detrimental to our own child I feel it's in their best interest that we do for them what we can. My biggest fear is that if abandoned to only their parents influence neither child will have any experience of knowing how to behave and get by in this world as adults with any success.

     Once again as much as I'd hate to give up on "family" I am prepared to do so in the best interest of my own childs well being. Pete feels we should cut off ties now....I say so long as their good in our home we should keep having them over but not allow our girl over to their home....and so we have a quandry between us.......any ideas?????

These are bright kids.....a terrible waste.....how sad is that?????

 

 
September 17, 2007, 4:56 pm CDT

My Friend/Relative Won't Discipline!

Hello Everyone,

 

I am concerned because my sister and her 3 children are moving in with my husband and I and my daughter next weekend. She is moving from another state and needs a place to stay until she gets on her feet. I'm all for helping out family, but they came to visit this past weekend and I am very worried. First of all, the only thing we asked her to chip in on is food since there are only 3 of us and 4 of them. Well she came this weekend and didn't contribute at all. At their house they don't eat at the table and we felt like we were eating at the zoo. And apparently she lets her kids run through her house like madmen. We don't allow our daughter to run in the house or to play anywhere but in her room. When the kids weren't running through the house, they were going in and out letting flies in and wasting the air conditioning. They also trashed my daughter's room, put their dirty feet in her bed so that I found dirt in her sheets and almost broke a really huge mirror we have (the mother was involved in this incident.) A few of her toys were broken this weekend as well. The kids also have conversations that are not appropriate for kids to have and my husband and I are worried enough that we don't want to leave our daughter alone with them and we won't let any of the children sleep with her because we believe that at least one of them has had something bad happen to them. I am afraid to leave them in our house unattended when we go out and do things because you can tell that they've never had anything nice. Finally, my daughter has after school activities and we buy her clothes and toys regularly for keeping her grades at the top of her class. I don't want to stop giving her things, but the other children don't get anything and we can't afford to constantly buy things for 4 children. Not when our bills will increase with them living with us and the grocery bill more than doubling. The mother says she'll help out but her standard of living is well beneath us. I don't want us to part on bad terms but I'm worried that our household will be disrupted. All 4 children are under the age of 10. What should I do?

 
September 17, 2007, 5:01 pm CDT

My Friend/Relative Won't Discipline!

Quote From: coopertowngal

Greetings all.

 

     This is just the most frustrating situation...and most disappointing. Pete and I are older parents, we started a bit late you might say as I'm turning 40 this year and our little girl is just 5, but while I woudln't mind being a bit younger we both felt we were definately ready to be parents.

     From the time our daughter was born both of us made some changes such as being very mindful of the things we say etc. We've really given our all in doing what we can to be good parents in all ways and as a result we are very happy and proud to say our daughter is a very well behaved, bright, loving little girl and we enjoy her to no end. Unfortunately the same cannot be said of her cousins.

     At 11 my nephew has been nothing but trouble for years now in school as well as at home...and at 5 his little sister, my niece, appears quick to follow in his footsteps. My sister in law has "mothered" these children to death since born, not allowed or enforced any kind of regular discipline, and the fruits her misguided labors have born her are two very ill mannered, rude, and out of control kids. There is a supreme lack of respect for authority (adults in general) and a tendancy to bully whenever the opportunity arises which not only includes verbally but also hitting, kicking, etc.

     So far we have been sucessful in controlling the conditions in our own home......we have rules here and all within these walls respect and obey them without question INCLUDING my nephew and niece.....however our rules don't reach so far as to within the limits of their own home (naturally/we are not their parents) and recently the last few times my daughter was a guest there she has been bullied and hit. My sister in law and brother made some attempt at punishment however it seems it's maybe a little to little and a little to late as it seems we go through the same routine each and every time. My sister in law actually had the nerve to become upset with me while the topic of wills had come up because she had assumed Pete and I would trust her with the raising of our daughter should anything unforseen happen to us....which is absolutely not the case and she took offense to it.

     With the kids causing so much trouble Pete is ready to cut off all ties with my brother and his family. I do in some ways completely understand how and why he feels this way HOWEVER since we do rule the roost in our own home, where the children do respect us, I feel the better solution is to keep the family connection allowing them to come and visit etc BUT simply not allow our daughter to go visit and stay with them anymore unless Pete or myself are there with her. If in the future there comes a time when my niece and nephew choose to not obey our rule in our home then at that time I would say we'd be left no other choice then to cut off ties....but right now I feel as if we are the best examples these children have, and we love them regardless as to how their own parents are choosing to raise them, and so unless there comes a time when their presence here in our home is detrimental to our own child I feel it's in their best interest that we do for them what we can. My biggest fear is that if abandoned to only their parents influence neither child will have any experience of knowing how to behave and get by in this world as adults with any success.

     Once again as much as I'd hate to give up on "family" I am prepared to do so in the best interest of my own childs well being. Pete feels we should cut off ties now....I say so long as their good in our home we should keep having them over but not allow our girl over to their home....and so we have a quandry between us.......any ideas?????

These are bright kids.....a terrible waste.....how sad is that?????

 

I totally agree with you. I have a bit of the same problem. The children will keep respecting you as long as you hold your ground. I would only break off all ties if the children act up when their parents are around even at your house. They will grow up in their own negative environment but will look to you two as the good example. I say keep the connection as long as you have control of the circumstances and you are not being caused so much stress that you family suffers. And maybe the children can come over when you husband is out with the guys watching the game or something.

 

Good luck.

 
September 17, 2007, 5:06 pm CDT

My Friend/Relative Won't Discipline!

Hello Everyone,

 

I am concerned because my sister and her 3 children are moving in with my husband and I and my daughter next weekend. She is moving from another state and needs a place to stay until she gets on her feet. I'm all for helping out family, but they came to visit this past weekend and I am very worried. First of all, the only thing we asked her to chip in on is food since there are only 3 of us and 4 of them. Well she came this weekend and didn't contribute at all. At their house they don't eat at the table and we felt like we were eating at the zoo. And apparently she lets her kids run through her house like madmen. We don't allow our daughter to run in the house or to play anywhere but in her room. When the kids weren't running through the house, they were going in and out letting flies in and wasting the air conditioning. They also trashed my daughter's room, put their dirty feet in her bed so that I found dirt in her sheets and almost broke a really huge mirror we have (the mother was involved in this incident.) A few of her toys were broken this weekend as well. The kids also have conversations that are not appropriate for kids to have and my husband and I are worried enough that we don't want to leave our daughter alone with them and we won't let any of the children sleep with her because we believe that at least one of them has had something bad happen to them. I am afraid to leave them in our house unattended when we go out and do things because you can tell that they've never had anything nice. Finally, my daughter has after school activities and we buy her clothes and toys regularly for keeping her grades at the top of her class. I don't want to stop giving her things, but the other children don't get anything and we can't afford to constantly buy things for 4 children. Not when our bills will increase with them living with us and the grocery bill more than doubling. The mother says she'll help out but her standard of living is well beneath us. I have worked really hard for what I have and I expect my house to be a haven for my family when we come in. I don't want to feel like I am living with people that have no home training. My sister is tired and needs help but it's almost like she's scared of upsetting her children. I don't want us to part on bad terms but I'm worried that our household will be disrupted. All 4 children are under the age of 10. What should I do?

 
September 21, 2007, 2:21 pm CDT

Trying

Quote From: tyringtorise

Hello Everyone,

 

I am concerned because my sister and her 3 children are moving in with my husband and I and my daughter next weekend. She is moving from another state and needs a place to stay until she gets on her feet. I'm all for helping out family, but they came to visit this past weekend and I am very worried. First of all, the only thing we asked her to chip in on is food since there are only 3 of us and 4 of them. Well she came this weekend and didn't contribute at all. At their house they don't eat at the table and we felt like we were eating at the zoo. And apparently she lets her kids run through her house like madmen. We don't allow our daughter to run in the house or to play anywhere but in her room. When the kids weren't running through the house, they were going in and out letting flies in and wasting the air conditioning. They also trashed my daughter's room, put their dirty feet in her bed so that I found dirt in her sheets and almost broke a really huge mirror we have (the mother was involved in this incident.) A few of her toys were broken this weekend as well. The kids also have conversations that are not appropriate for kids to have and my husband and I are worried enough that we don't want to leave our daughter alone with them and we won't let any of the children sleep with her because we believe that at least one of them has had something bad happen to them. I am afraid to leave them in our house unattended when we go out and do things because you can tell that they've never had anything nice. Finally, my daughter has after school activities and we buy her clothes and toys regularly for keeping her grades at the top of her class. I don't want to stop giving her things, but the other children don't get anything and we can't afford to constantly buy things for 4 children. Not when our bills will increase with them living with us and the grocery bill more than doubling. The mother says she'll help out but her standard of living is well beneath us. I have worked really hard for what I have and I expect my house to be a haven for my family when we come in. I don't want to feel like I am living with people that have no home training. My sister is tired and needs help but it's almost like she's scared of upsetting her children. I don't want us to part on bad terms but I'm worried that our household will be disrupted. All 4 children are under the age of 10. What should I do?

Hey trying it is so good to hear that your sister has you to help and support her through this very dificult time.

honestly your sister needs to set up some clear boundaries and rules for her children now, before they get much older or she is going to find herself with a huge problem, if it is bad now, it is going toget hellishly worse as they get older.

sit your sister down and say look i love you and want to help you, but i need you to help me help you.

Meal times need to be eaten at the table like a family, not every one going off in their own direction.

This meal time is a chance for real connections and communication to happen, there is a lot of opportunities for alone time or what have you duringthe day, meal time is not one of those alone times, it is family time.

Personal spaces and property needs to be respected, this means no one is allowed to go into anothers personal space with out permission, and if they bottow a toy or other item it needs to be returned in the same condition that it was borrowed in. If it is returned broken, then simply do not allow the borrowing of items or toys.

Running in the house is none negotable, run out side to your hearts content, running inside is not ok!

Every one must be considerate and careful of property in the house, it is ment to be appreciated not abused.

Bedtimes, have a constent bed time schedual set up for all the children and make sure it is followed, same with bath times.

Reward good behaviors, time out for negative or disruptive behaviors. Try to make the rewards out weigh the time outs.

All the children should have chores that they do to contribute to the maintence and smooth running of the household, even a three year old can pick up toys and put them in a box.

There will be somethings thatcan not do and should not do. like cooking and things like that, but there is a lot they can do, so let them do what they can.

As for your sister contributing to the food, hold her to that, i understand that you are being considerate of her low income at the moment, but she still needs to be part of a contributing family, not a taker.

If her children are already acting out, and running rough shod over every one, they are already upset!

children need consistency and boundaries, they need to feel safe, and if they are running their own agendas they certainly are not feeling safe and secure.

If one or any of her children have been abused they really need the help of a professional that can help them deal with the trauma.

In a nut shell set some clear boundaries, no grey areas be clear, set up some firm rules, ie no running in the house, no yelling or screaming in the house, out side is the place for those kind of antics, clear bed times, bathtimes, meal times sit down as a family and when a child is done it is up to the adults to determine whether the child is mature enough to be excused and allowed to go off on thier own or they have to wait for an adult to excuse themselves from the table so they can monitor the child.

contributing to the grocery bill.

Also, helping your sister find some resources like a clothing bank were she can get some really good childrens clothes for relativly cheap.

If your sister is tired all the time children need to go to bed earlier, and she follows closley behind.

It is havock in your home and trying to multitask all this helter skelter behavior would tier any one out!

With your help she can get it under control and have clear and concies boundaries, rules,and scheduals, so every one in the family will know what to expect.

If your sister is not willing to do this with you then you need to take care of your own family, andyour sister and her children need to go to a womans shelter, were hopefully she will find some good crisis intervention workers that will definatly make sure she does start establishing a healthy and functional way of interacting with each other as a family.

As for the unappropriate discussions the children are having, your sister needs to start taking her children aside and explore with them why they are discussing things that are not apporiariate, and let them know it is not right to talk about those things in general conversations.

If your sister is comfortable with you speaking to her children about it in private, then I would definatly suggest you do so, and find out what the basis is for them discussing what ever it is that you find inapproriate.

Sorry if the post is so lengthy, you are speaking of a very real and problematic situation and some very dysfunctional behaviors, all I can do is hope that i have at least given you a starting point to begin addressingthese issues with your sister. Yes she and her children need serious help, she should be thanking her lucky starts that you are willing to help her make the start.

Keep in touch and let us know how things are going for you, I am sure there is so much more to say, but I really don't want to take up any more space, Again my apolgies for the length post.

Hugs

Tammy

 

 
September 28, 2007, 12:14 pm CDT

My sister won't discipline her children

I get so sick of being around my sister and her kids. She will let her kids walk all over her. They throw tantrums all the time. They hit her and scream at her and sometime curse her out. When we have family events and one of her kids are doing something they shouldn't and someone tells her she just sits there and does nothing and they continue to do it. When we do go around them my kids will come home wanting to act like them and I have to put my kids back into place showing them I won't stand for it. My sister will then get onto her husband for wanting to discipline the kids. She tries to make her husband look like the bad person. Then sometimes she will tell him to do something then when he does she says oh you shouldn't do that to the kids. A big problem in their marriage is how they can't come to point of agreement on discipline. Her kids are out of control. She has 3 kids: 4 years, 2 years, and 6 months. Sometimes I feel like calling Nanny 911 on her. I have so many problems with her.
 
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