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Topic : My Friend/Relative Won't Discipline!

Number of Replies: 164
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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:50:18 pm
Author : dataimport
Other people's parenting can be a total nightmare. How do you cope? Share your stories.

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October 9, 2007, 11:17 pm CDT

My Friend/Relative Won't Discipline!

Quote From: klgoodrow

I get so sick of being around my sister and her kids. She will let her kids walk all over her. They throw tantrums all the time. They hit her and scream at her and sometime curse her out. When we have family events and one of her kids are doing something they shouldn't and someone tells her she just sits there and does nothing and they continue to do it. When we do go around them my kids will come home wanting to act like them and I have to put my kids back into place showing them I won't stand for it. My sister will then get onto her husband for wanting to discipline the kids. She tries to make her husband look like the bad person. Then sometimes she will tell him to do something then when he does she says oh you shouldn't do that to the kids. A big problem in their marriage is how they can't come to point of agreement on discipline. Her kids are out of control. She has 3 kids: 4 years, 2 years, and 6 months. Sometimes I feel like calling Nanny 911 on her. I have so many problems with her.

You want to call Nanny 911?  Unfortunately, I think that show has gone off the air, and they aren’t making any more episodes.  (I can’t find it on the FOX website, and they’re showing reruns on syndication stations.)  Oh well, I think Supernanny is still on the air, you can always calling Jo Frost.

 

But seriously, I think your sister and brother-in-law can benefit from some parenting classes, so the both of them can learn to be more assertive, first and foremost.  She may think he’s too aggressive, but even I can agree she’s being too passive.  The only way I can accept her parenting method is if one of the children is so mentally retarded, it’s impossible for them to learn right from wrong, or they have some other brain dysfunction that is preventing them from learning what not to do.  (An example of this is a “brain filter” that is malfunctioning or non-existant, which prevents the person from censoring thoughts that they shouldn’t say; therefore the children may be quite prone to backtalk.)  But I doubt this is true of these children.  You can only take the friend thing so far; if you insist on being their friend, you need to balance it with being a parent as well.  Best of both worlds, people. 

 

I think they can also benefit from a professional marriage counsellor to get to the root of the discipline and compromising problems.  If your sister refuses (which is likely,) encourage your brother-in-law – privately – to go alone.  I fear this marriage may be headed for divorce is a solution does not come about fast.  But I would insist on parenting classes for your sister – even if you have to drag her butt to the car, drive her there, and drag her into the building yourself!

 
October 30, 2007, 9:39 am CDT

How do I post a new topic????

 
 
November 20, 2007, 12:38 pm CST

disciplining my 4 yr old

I am having a terrible time with my youngest. He is four years old. He goes to preschool from 9-12 and then to Junior kindergaten from 1-4. I am a working mother.  At his morning school he is very angry with the teachers and the other kids. He complains that no one is listening to him. He has hit and kicked teachers and other children. I have not spanked him, but I know I have raised my voice to get him to listen to me.  I do not know how to handle his anger.  He is very sensitive and gets his feelings hurt very easily.  Please help me get him to stop being so angry.
 
December 12, 2007, 2:51 am CST

?

Quote From: danielsboots

I am having a terrible time with my youngest. He is four years old. He goes to preschool from 9-12 and then to Junior kindergaten from 1-4. I am a working mother.  At his morning school he is very angry with the teachers and the other kids. He complains that no one is listening to him. He has hit and kicked teachers and other children. I have not spanked him, but I know I have raised my voice to get him to listen to me.  I do not know how to handle his anger.  He is very sensitive and gets his feelings hurt very easily.  Please help me get him to stop being so angry.
Can you use his sensitivity to show him that others are sensitive and HE hurt THEIR feelings?  Can you show him others get angry when he acts badly?  Can you explain to him that others WILL NOT listen until he calms down and uses his words?  Can you show him he has to share attention and not be listened to all the time?  Can you listen just 5 mins at bedtime to fulfill this wish of his?  Can you get him to explain WHY he is angry?  If he can talk it out, it might go away.  Can you use his feelings of not being listened to, to explain that others are talking to him, giving instructions, and HE is NOT LISTENING to THEM?  Are you providing him with support when you shouldn't?  Ie-maybe adding fuel to his getting along with others problems by always supporting his feelings and not anybody else's?  (Sometimes a caregiver doesn't understand the other caregivers are having problems, and they need to present a united front to the child, to get him to understand the rules are the same for everyone, and he must be socialized.  No exceptions.)  It's really important to build empathy to help avert anger.  I am also wondering if he is just acting hurt to get your sympathy and avoid being told by you that he has to cooperate with others.  Does any of this help?
 
December 12, 2007, 3:14 am CST

My Friend/Relative Won't Discipline!

Quote From: klgoodrow

I get so sick of being around my sister and her kids. She will let her kids walk all over her. They throw tantrums all the time. They hit her and scream at her and sometime curse her out. When we have family events and one of her kids are doing something they shouldn't and someone tells her she just sits there and does nothing and they continue to do it. When we do go around them my kids will come home wanting to act like them and I have to put my kids back into place showing them I won't stand for it. My sister will then get onto her husband for wanting to discipline the kids. She tries to make her husband look like the bad person. Then sometimes she will tell him to do something then when he does she says oh you shouldn't do that to the kids. A big problem in their marriage is how they can't come to point of agreement on discipline. Her kids are out of control. She has 3 kids: 4 years, 2 years, and 6 months. Sometimes I feel like calling Nanny 911 on her. I have so many problems with her.
This is not advice.  It is the truth.  I believe discipline is good for a person, not hurtful, a good way to grow up, cope and adjust.  The alphabet, numbers, manners, respect and consideration.  Non-abusive discipline.  My husband absolutely refused.  He does not believe in anything.  No rules, no manners, no respect for anybody, no consideration for others, nothing mommy ever said.  He is a complete nihilist.  Of course I did not know this.  Hindsite now.  The result was two poor children torn in half from a nasty divorce, and many years of confusion, depression, and the need for professional counselling.  We have overcome the conflict, but it wasn't what I would wish for anybody else.  My husband used the children to favour him, be their friend, lift himself up, and put down mommy.  I had to do all the discipline alone, which meant they were taught by their dad they did not have to respect me or do anything I said, and that my motives were invalid.  Can you imagine how stressful this was to me?  In the end, they came to see the immaturity of their dad and his lack of social skills, and they have come more toward my philosophy raising their own.  What I am trying to say is that your sister needs intervention NOW.  The kids need it NOW.  Maybe not an outsider, but definitely I believe it's time for a meddling discussion, because those kids are going to grow up with a confusion between their parents and a divided house, which might fall, if she doesn't pay attention.  The kids will play the parents off this problem as they get older, and the conflict on discipline will spill over into other parts of all their relationships.  It has to be: both parents equally enforce the same rules for all the kids, the same rules as everybody else has, normal behavior.  
 
December 12, 2007, 3:27 am CST

Boundaries

Quote From: tyringtorise

Hello Everyone,

 

I am concerned because my sister and her 3 children are moving in with my husband and I and my daughter next weekend. She is moving from another state and needs a place to stay until she gets on her feet. I'm all for helping out family, but they came to visit this past weekend and I am very worried. First of all, the only thing we asked her to chip in on is food since there are only 3 of us and 4 of them. Well she came this weekend and didn't contribute at all. At their house they don't eat at the table and we felt like we were eating at the zoo. And apparently she lets her kids run through her house like madmen. We don't allow our daughter to run in the house or to play anywhere but in her room. When the kids weren't running through the house, they were going in and out letting flies in and wasting the air conditioning. They also trashed my daughter's room, put their dirty feet in her bed so that I found dirt in her sheets and almost broke a really huge mirror we have (the mother was involved in this incident.) A few of her toys were broken this weekend as well. The kids also have conversations that are not appropriate for kids to have and my husband and I are worried enough that we don't want to leave our daughter alone with them and we won't let any of the children sleep with her because we believe that at least one of them has had something bad happen to them. I am afraid to leave them in our house unattended when we go out and do things because you can tell that they've never had anything nice. Finally, my daughter has after school activities and we buy her clothes and toys regularly for keeping her grades at the top of her class. I don't want to stop giving her things, but the other children don't get anything and we can't afford to constantly buy things for 4 children. Not when our bills will increase with them living with us and the grocery bill more than doubling. The mother says she'll help out but her standard of living is well beneath us. I have worked really hard for what I have and I expect my house to be a haven for my family when we come in. I don't want to feel like I am living with people that have no home training. My sister is tired and needs help but it's almost like she's scared of upsetting her children. I don't want us to part on bad terms but I'm worried that our household will be disrupted. All 4 children are under the age of 10. What should I do?

Tammy's answer is really good.  But I would just add one thing.  It is YOUR house!  You are in charge of all the rules if she wants to live there.  You MUST set boundaries around your own little family FIRST.  Set a limited time for her to leave.  Set a minimum amount she must contribute.  Take her to a doctor to help her with the depression or tiredness.  You and your husband unite to enforce YOUR house rules, NOT HERS.   Don't ask, enforce.  I would suggest if she is desparate and you can't make her move, partition off the house with a locked door they cannot enter (give them the basemenet and their own entrance).  Lastly, Welfare will get them their own apartment.  If she wants to stay, she has to cooperate and pay, or go, and that's that.  Family or no, you can help her just as much, with less conflict, if she is in her own castle, not yours.  She obviously is overwhelmed, but chaos without discipline makes it much worse.   
 
December 12, 2007, 4:03 am CST

Limits

Quote From: simplexity

 Hi. I am about to marry a man who has 4 boys. (16, 15, 9, and 7 years old) We also have a 13 month old daughter. The boys only come every other weekend, but when they do I feel like tearing my hair out before they leave. For example, this past weekend, I had my brand new couch written all over by the 7 year old, and the nine year old peed his pants while playing a video game because he didnt want to leave the game.  The 7 year old also stole five dollars from my mothers purse while we were at their house fishing! When I told their father about the way they behaved while he was at work, he just shrugged his shoulders and gave them a "stern" look. He says he doesnt want to discipline them since he only has them every other weekend, and says it is their mothers responsibility since she has custody. Its so frustrating and i'm seriously debating wheather to stay in the relationship. Am i expecting to much? Any advice on discipling when you don't have the kids on a regular basis? Because it seems like it goes in one ear and out the other by the next time they come!
You have to know if your marriage wilol work and this is a good test.  See if your man will agree to not upset you with his children's visits.  See if he will visit them elsewhere?  Or evenings, or one day at a time, with no overnights?  Or only two of his children at a time, and not all four?  See if he will put your wants and needs and your child's, before his previous family, if you and his NEW family are his priority now?  It seems his first marriage broke up because he likes to produce children but not discipline them, that he left all the responsibility for child rearing to his first wife.  That means he will do that to you, too.  When your daughter is a teen and he doesn't back you up, it will not be fun.  This is time for him to grow up and get involved disciplining his kids or get lost.  It absolutely DOES NOT MATTER how often a child visits you, the rules are the same forever, whether they've seen those rules before or not.  It's YOUR house.  They are a guest.  You TELL them the rules.  You don't ask, and you don't wait for their mother's or father's approval.  You have equal rights to peace and security of person and possessions in your own home, and they have no right to disturb that for you or anybody.  The earlier they learn, the better life will be for them.  If it's HIS house, and he is the only ruler, you need to change houses so it's your house, and you're the equal half of two rulers.  It may be a territory thing, that the kids visited there before you arrived, so they are all (including your boyfriend) deliberately exerting group power over you, to not change anything upon your arrival.  This means he will do this for many suffering years, when they are adults as well, rule over you by first family "seniority".  No wife can live like that.  You've got to get changes before tying the knot, or he isn't willing to compromise for you, and it will just get worse.
 
December 12, 2007, 12:00 pm CST

Family

Quote From: readwrite

You have to know if your marriage wilol work and this is a good test.  See if your man will agree to not upset you with his children's visits.  See if he will visit them elsewhere?  Or evenings, or one day at a time, with no overnights?  Or only two of his children at a time, and not all four?  See if he will put your wants and needs and your child's, before his previous family, if you and his NEW family are his priority now?  It seems his first marriage broke up because he likes to produce children but not discipline them, that he left all the responsibility for child rearing to his first wife.  That means he will do that to you, too.  When your daughter is a teen and he doesn't back you up, it will not be fun.  This is time for him to grow up and get involved disciplining his kids or get lost.  It absolutely DOES NOT MATTER how often a child visits you, the rules are the same forever, whether they've seen those rules before or not.  It's YOUR house.  They are a guest.  You TELL them the rules.  You don't ask, and you don't wait for their mother's or father's approval.  You have equal rights to peace and security of person and possessions in your own home, and they have no right to disturb that for you or anybody.  The earlier they learn, the better life will be for them.  If it's HIS house, and he is the only ruler, you need to change houses so it's your house, and you're the equal half of two rulers.  It may be a territory thing, that the kids visited there before you arrived, so they are all (including your boyfriend) deliberately exerting group power over you, to not change anything upon your arrival.  This means he will do this for many suffering years, when they are adults as well, rule over you by first family "seniority".  No wife can live like that.  You've got to get changes before tying the knot, or he isn't willing to compromise for you, and it will just get worse.

Are you seriously saying that he should put his new wife above his children (all of them)? Cause if you didn't know this, CHILDREN come first. I bet anything these 4 boys don't do this at there mothers, and only does it cause they don't like the "new wife" she should try and make effort to gain the respect of the boys, and maybe get the older boys to help out with the younger boys. You don't have to be a parent of the child to get there respect, and when you have the respect of a child you can have a easier time with them.

 

I was 8 years old when my step father came into the picture. He however took his time with me more then my older sisters. He felt they were just out of control and he couldn't seem to connect with them. However he took me bowling everytime I got a A on my weekly spelling tests. He would take me golfing every month. He would actaully ask me what I wanted for dinner, and we would have it. So he always had me on his side, where it seemed my older sisters were out of control (they werent) but they hated him, and its cause he didn't take time to learn what they liked and didn't take time to try and connect with them.

 

Step parents need to understand this process isn't easy and just cause they seem out of control its not true they just don't respect that step parent so they will give them a hard time. A step parent doesn't have to be a parent thats the good thing about them, they can actually be a friend, and that will make everyones life easier.

 
December 12, 2007, 12:08 pm CST

Anger in a child

Quote From: danielsboots

I am having a terrible time with my youngest. He is four years old. He goes to preschool from 9-12 and then to Junior kindergaten from 1-4. I am a working mother.  At his morning school he is very angry with the teachers and the other kids. He complains that no one is listening to him. He has hit and kicked teachers and other children. I have not spanked him, but I know I have raised my voice to get him to listen to me.  I do not know how to handle his anger.  He is very sensitive and gets his feelings hurt very easily.  Please help me get him to stop being so angry.

Well there could be alot of reasons why he is upset, and may not just be cause of lack of spanking. I would seek therapy for him, and find out what is making him so angry (child may not open up to a parent, if he is angry at that parent)

 

My sister has a friend (I'm not saying you are like this) but she works all the time, and then partys on the weekend. Her youngest son started to have anger issues. My mother suggested she brings him into therapy and find out whats going on. Trues out he is angry at him mom for being gone all the time. So she started to stay home more on the weekends, and did less hours at work. He is happier, but it could of been a number of problems.

 

Maybe there is a kid picking on him at his school, and the teachers don't believe him (that can make any child upset). Or maybe its really chemical and he will need help learning how to deal with it.

 
April 28, 2008, 3:07 pm CDT

The other way around

Hi All,

I have a friend 'Lizzy' and we've been fairly close for a number of years. She loves calling a spade a spade and can be very meticulous in voicing her opinion, but in general is enjoyable company.

I have a  little girl 3 1/2, 'Megan', and 'Lizzy' has a little girl, same age 'Zoe'.

We get together about once or twice a month and spend 2-5 hours together. The girls have just begun to play together and so we get to relax a bit. (before that it was more like bickering and snatching toys away, regular toddler stuff)

Anyway, we were at a dinner party at a mutual friend's place and the girls were playing together. I was mingling with the guests when I heard Lizzy's insistent voice 'NO PUSHING'. I turned around hastily and found my little girl looking at me absolutely horrified and chin wobbly trying to make her way towards me. I said 'What happened?' And my friend continued 'NO pushing, Megan!, its not nice to push' Her tone was very cutting and totally inappropriate to what might have happened.

I put my arms out to console my daughter and tears were just spilling over her trying to speak 'mommy, i'm sorry, i didnt....it was a mistake'

And again Lizzy's loud, insistent voice 'SHE DID, I SAW HER WITH MY OWN EYES'

'I didnt Mommy'

SHE DID, DONT DENY IT, I SAW YOU DO IT.

At this point, I honestly didnt care about what happened, my maternal instinct took over and I scooped up my child who was at this point flooded with tears and beyond any consoling and I hushed her and soothed her.

Lizzy said to me again 'SHE pushed ZOE'

I ignored Lizzy and cradled my daughter and kissed her to stop her from crying and said 'Even if someone pushed you, baby, you're not supposed to push back'

I wasnt trying to be ignorant, just trying to say consoling things and to get control of the situation.

Megan whimpered 'Mommy, i;m sorry i didnt mean to it was an accident'

so i said 'dont cry baby i believe you'

well, didnt the s*** just hit the roof.

Lizzy says to me, 'you believe HER? You didnt see what she did. Zoe DIDNT DO anything to her'

So I said as calmly as i could 'what happened?'

turns out the kids were playing and apparently my child shoved her child aside with her elbow as Zoe was trying to climb on to Megan's chair.

I dont usually let my child get away with bad behaviour, but I didnt think that the punishment fit the crime and also everyone was watching at this point, so i just hushed up my child, and didnt comment on it.

Now my friend isnt speaking to me because she thinks that i took my child's word over hers.

I want to approach her but knowing the way she is, she wont back down and admit that she was bullying a little girl.

I mean there are ways to get kids to stop doing what they should be doing.

But humiliating a child and being very insistent and loud is a bad way to do it.

I am in a dilemma as to how to handle it.

any suggestions??

Also, I know my child may have been guilty about shoving her child, but I honestly think sometimes that children do things to each other and i dont think adults should get involved to such a degree. it was a nasty atmosphere not corrective.

 

 

 
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