Topic : My Friend/Relative Won't Discipline!

It is such a shame that your sister and her husband are setting their own children up to have a life of disappointment and shame. These are their children; it is up to them to work together, to come to an agreement on how to raise their kids.
You don’t say how old your sister and her husband are; I am curious to know their ages. Are you close with your sister? Do you feel that you could attempt to talk with her in a gentle, constructive way about her children’s behavior? A suggestion that I have for you is to use what is called the “validation method” when you talk to her. For example, you might say something like, “*sister’s name,* I know that you love your kids, and I know that you want them to have a good life. Their behavior is going to continue to get worse unless you make and enforce rules with them soon. I know it can be difficult and you probably feel overwhelmed at times, but because you are their mom, it is up to you to teach them how to treat you and other people.” By saying kind things in the beginning- acknowledging that she loves her children, etc. that will make it less likely that she will respond in a defensive manner. This is so important because you are not saying these things to be mean, you are saying it out of genuine concern. The way to discuss this topic with her can be compared to making a compliment ‘sandwich,’ you say something nice, then address the issue, then say something nice again.
It might be difficult to come up with compliments or nice things to say, because the kids are so out of control, so I suggest that you think of things to say ahead of time. Perhaps even write down some ideas of what you will say. (This can be useful if you do this over the phone.) If your sister does respond in a defensive way,  or if she tries to blame the children’s behavior on her husband, makes excuses, etc., you have to do your best not to get off the subject. She might bring up her husband’s way of disciplining and complain about that or something- this is to take the attention off of herself, to get the focus onto someone/something else because this is an uncomfortable topic. Don’t allow yourself to be led off topic. If this happens, gently steer the conversation back to the original subject. If your sister begins to attack you, or says things like, “you think you are so perfect,” etc., you’ve got to remain calm and do not raise your voice, again, steer the conversation to the original topic. Don’t get caught up in defending yourself, you’ll end up in a totally different subject!
I hope that you are able to do this with success; those kids deserve to be taught how to interact with people in a positive way.

 

I am having a terrible time with my youngest. He is four years old. He goes to preschool from 9-12 and then to Junior kindergaten from 1-4. I am a working mother.  At his morning school he is very angry with the teachers and the other kids. He complains that no one is listening to him. He has hit and kicked teachers and other children. I have not spanked him, but I know I have raised my voice to get him to listen to me.  I do not know how to handle his anger.  He is very sensitive and gets his feelings hurt very easily.  Please help me get him to stop being so angry.

Can you use his sensitivity to show him that others are sensitive and HE hurt THEIR feelings?  Can you show him others get angry when he acts badly?  Can you explain to him that others WILL NOT listen until he calms down and uses his words?  Can you show him he has to share attention and not be listened to all the time?  Can you listen just 5 mins at bedtime to fulfill this wish of his?  Can you get him to explain WHY he is angry?  If he can talk it out, it might go away.  Can you use his feelings of not being listened to, to explain that others are talking to him, giving instructions, and HE is NOT LISTENING to THEM?  Are you providing him with support when you shouldn't?  Ie-maybe adding fuel to his getting along with others problems by always supporting his feelings and not anybody else's?  (Sometimes a caregiver doesn't understand the other caregivers are having problems, and they need to present a united front to the child, to get him to understand the rules are the same for everyone, and he must be socialized.  No exceptions.)  It's really important to build empathy to help avert anger.  I am also wondering if he is just acting hurt to get your sympathy and avoid being told by you that he has to cooperate with others.  Does any of this help?

This is not advice.  It is the truth.  I believe discipline is good for a person, not hurtful, a good way to grow up, cope and adjust.  The alphabet, numbers, manners, respect and consideration.  Non-abusive discipline.  My husband absolutely refused.  He does not believe in anything.  No rules, no manners, no respect for anybody, no consideration for others, nothing mommy ever said.  He is a complete nihilist.  Of course I did not know this.  Hindsite now.  The result was two poor children torn in half from a nasty divorce, and many years of confusion, depression, and the need for professional counselling.  We have overcome the conflict, but it wasn't what I would wish for anybody else.  My husband used the children to favour him, be their friend, lift himself up, and put down mommy.  I had to do all the discipline alone, which meant they were taught by their dad they did not have to respect me or do anything I said, and that my motives were invalid.  Can you imagine how stressful this was to me?  In the end, they came to see the immaturity of their dad and his lack of social skills, and they have come more toward my philosophy raising their own.  What I am trying to say is that your sister needs intervention NOW.  The kids need it NOW.  Maybe not an outsider, but definitely I believe it's time for a meddling discussion, because those kids are going to grow up with a confusion between their parents and a divided house, which might fall, if she doesn't pay attention.  The kids will play the parents off this problem as they get older, and the conflict on discipline will spill over into other parts of all their relationships.  It has to be: both parents equally enforce the same rules for all the kids, the same rules as everybody else has, normal behavior.  

Tammy's answer is really good.  But I would just add one thing.  It is YOUR house!  You are in charge of all the rules if she wants to live there.  You MUST set boundaries around your own little family FIRST.  Set a limited time for her to leave.  Set a minimum amount she must contribute.  Take her to a doctor to help her with the depression or tiredness.  You and your husband unite to enforce YOUR house rules, NOT HERS.   Don't ask, enforce.  I would suggest if she is desparate and you can't make her move, partition off the house with a locked door they cannot enter (give them the basemenet and their own entrance).  Lastly, Welfare will get them their own apartment.  If she wants to stay, she has to cooperate and pay, or go, and that's that.  Family or no, you can help her just as much, with less conflict, if she is in her own castle, not yours.  She obviously is overwhelmed, but chaos without discipline makes it much worse.   

You have to know if your marriage wilol work and this is a good test.  See if your man will agree to not upset you with his children's visits.  See if he will visit them elsewhere?  Or evenings, or one day at a time, with no overnights?  Or only two of his children at a time, and not all four?  See if he will put your wants and needs and your child's, before his previous family, if you and his NEW family are his priority now?  It seems his first marriage broke up because he likes to produce children but not discipline them, that he left all the responsibility for child rearing to his first wife.  That means he will do that to you, too.  When your daughter is a teen and he doesn't back you up, it will not be fun.  This is time for him to grow up and get involved disciplining his kids or get lost.  It absolutely DOES NOT MATTER how often a child visits you, the rules are the same forever, whether they've seen those rules before or not.  It's YOUR house.  They are a guest.  You TELL them the rules.  You don't ask, and you don't wait for their mother's or father's approval.  You have equal rights to peace and security of person and possessions in your own home, and they have no right to disturb that for you or anybody.  The earlier they learn, the better life will be for them.  If it's HIS house, and he is the only ruler, you need to change houses so it's your house, and you're the equal half of two rulers.  It may be a territory thing, that the kids visited there before you arrived, so they are all (including your boyfriend) deliberately exerting group power over you, to not change anything upon your arrival.  This means he will do this for many suffering years, when they are adults as well, rule over you by first family "seniority".  No wife can live like that.  You've got to get changes before tying the knot, or he isn't willing to compromise for you, and it will just get worse.

Are you seriously saying that he should put his new wife above his children (all of them)? Cause if you didn't know this, CHILDREN come first. I bet anything these 4 boys don't do this at there mothers, and only does it cause they don't like the "new wife" she should try and make effort to gain the respect of the boys, and maybe get the older boys to help out with the younger boys. You don't have to be a parent of the child to get there respect, and when you have the respect of a child you can have a easier time with them.

 

I was 8 years old when my step father came into the picture. He however took his time with me more then my older sisters. He felt they were just out of control and he couldn't seem to connect with them. However he took me bowling everytime I got a A on my weekly spelling tests. He would take me golfing every month. He would actaully ask me what I wanted for dinner, and we would have it. So he always had me on his side, where it seemed my older sisters were out of control (they werent) but they hated him, and its cause he didn't take time to learn what they liked and didn't take time to try and connect with them.

 

Step parents need to understand this process isn't easy and just cause they seem out of control its not true they just don't respect that step parent so they will give them a hard time. A step parent doesn't have to be a parent thats the good thing about them, they can actually be a friend, and that will make everyones life easier.

Well there could be alot of reasons why he is upset, and may not just be cause of lack of spanking. I would seek therapy for him, and find out what is making him so angry (child may not open up to a parent, if he is angry at that parent)

 

My sister has a friend (I'm not saying you are like this) but she works all the time, and then partys on the weekend. Her youngest son started to have anger issues. My mother suggested she brings him into therapy and find out whats going on. Trues out he is angry at him mom for being gone all the time. So she started to stay home more on the weekends, and did less hours at work. He is happier, but it could of been a number of problems.

 

Maybe there is a kid picking on him at his school, and the teachers don't believe him (that can make any child upset). Or maybe its really chemical and he will need help learning how to deal with it.