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Topic : My Friend/Relative Won't Discipline!

Number of Replies: 164
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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:50:18 pm
Author : dataimport
Other people's parenting can be a total nightmare. How do you cope? Share your stories.

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May 11, 2006, 10:21 am CDT

My Friend/Relative Won't Discipline!

Quote From: stimpy

 I am getting frustrated at my fiance's parenting skills. He loves his kids (15 and 18) very much and they know that.  but he can't ever tell them NO.  If he tries to tell them NO about something, they scream, slam doors, and basically throw a 2 year old tantrum and then he ALWAYS gives in.  We are scheduled to get married this fall, but his 15 year old daughter lives with us and it is getting to the point that I am ready to say, "Let's forget it"!

My kids are grown (20 and 22) and on their own.  I was a pretty strick displinarian.  They were allowed to do things with their friends, etc... but if they did something they knew that they new was wrong they were disciplined.  I talked to my daughter the other day and she told me that she would have been in so much trouble for some of the things the 15 year old is pulling and getting away with,

Dad doesnt want to make waves, he is afraid she will want to go and live with her mom.  Well, she is going to have to learn that "WE DONT ALWAYS GET WHAT WE WANT IN LIFE".  We have had many many discussions on this subject but nothing ever happens.  Just don't know what I am suppose to do (if anything?!?!?!?!)

I am in the same type of situtation that you are.  My boyfriend is the same with his 10 year old daughter  he cannot/will not tell her no or see that she ever does wrong.  She is bascially a brat, spoiled and given her own way all the time.  I try to tell him that it's only hurting her and that he will regret this when she becomes a teenager.   He'll respond "not my little angel, she'll never be a brat"   She's already staring to show signs of being mouthy, pouting when she doesn't think she'll get her way and demanding.  She is very "needy" and will pout to get attention.  My kids are grown as well and I never dealt with them the way I have to deal with her.  I too was pretty strict and looking back and seeing this I'm glad.  I've thought several times about leaving.  She's even called our house demanding he break up with me because she didn't like me.  Her mother has turned her against me and I had to get a restraniing order on her mom for assulting me.  The mother is also on probation because of it.    

   

I don't know what to do either.  It's made me very miserable in our relationship when she's around.  I dread every weekend  I know she's going to be with us.  I don't have to live with her daily unlike you.  He's mentioned maybe when she is 12 she could live with us.  It's terrible but I surely hope not.  It would be the end unless I can learn to deal with it better.  I do have an appointment with a professional at the end of this month to see if it's me that is the problem or if he's creating it.  I believe it's him allowing this just as your fiance.  You can love your children, but you don't allow them to be rude and treat others badly in the process.  I feel for your situation, it's not an easy one and I wish I could offer more advice.    

   

 
May 11, 2006, 12:23 pm CDT

Discipline is the least of my friend's problem

I baby sat my friend's little boy until a few weeks ago when I requested that they start bringing milk, juice and snacks for him.  I have three children of my own and my boys go through about 2 gallons of milk, more juice and snacks weekly.   She and her husband absolutely refused to bring anything for him.  They said because they were giving me $100 per week I should buy it all. 

  

They would bring a cup of water with him, in a diaper soaked through that he slept in, the same dirty clothes he had worn the day before, no change of clothes, no bath,  nothing.  Poor little guy is so sad.  They work weird hours, sometimes he was at my house until after 11 pm  and they would let him stay up until he fell asleep in the floor and then they'd leave him there the rest of the night.  They sleep during the day while the baby plays alone in the apartment, I mentioned they should not do that, she said nothing would happen.  The worst he would do was climb up on the bathroom sink and turn on the water.  The baby is 18 months old, what if he slipped, cracked his skull and bled to death while they slept I asked, she said that wouldn't happen.   

  

What do you do with people like this? 

  

I'm almost certain that he is mildy autistic, have a friend with an autistic child, little guy had many characteristics but when I spoke with the mother and mentioned she might want to have her pediatrician test him, she called me a myriad of awful names, told me I was an idiot and continued the horrible treatment of her son.  Expecting me to sit by and watch.  I knew when I asked them to bring drink and food that they would refuse, maybe that is why I did it.  I should have reported them to CPS but she has been a friend for a long time, I know her parents and can not bring myself to call.  I worry about him every day, I see babies and wonder if he is in a safe place and okay.  I want to call her mother but I am certain she has been told how awful I am.   

  

What to do in Texas. 

 
May 12, 2006, 3:20 am CDT

Please do something!!

Quote From: tldenny

I baby sat my friend's little boy until a few weeks ago when I requested that they start bringing milk, juice and snacks for him.  I have three children of my own and my boys go through about 2 gallons of milk, more juice and snacks weekly.   She and her husband absolutely refused to bring anything for him.  They said because they were giving me $100 per week I should buy it all. 

  

They would bring a cup of water with him, in a diaper soaked through that he slept in, the same dirty clothes he had worn the day before, no change of clothes, no bath,  nothing.  Poor little guy is so sad.  They work weird hours, sometimes he was at my house until after 11 pm  and they would let him stay up until he fell asleep in the floor and then they'd leave him there the rest of the night.  They sleep during the day while the baby plays alone in the apartment, I mentioned they should not do that, she said nothing would happen.  The worst he would do was climb up on the bathroom sink and turn on the water.  The baby is 18 months old, what if he slipped, cracked his skull and bled to death while they slept I asked, she said that wouldn't happen.   

  

What do you do with people like this? 

  

I'm almost certain that he is mildy autistic, have a friend with an autistic child, little guy had many characteristics but when I spoke with the mother and mentioned she might want to have her pediatrician test him, she called me a myriad of awful names, told me I was an idiot and continued the horrible treatment of her son.  Expecting me to sit by and watch.  I knew when I asked them to bring drink and food that they would refuse, maybe that is why I did it.  I should have reported them to CPS but she has been a friend for a long time, I know her parents and can not bring myself to call.  I worry about him every day, I see babies and wonder if he is in a safe place and okay.  I want to call her mother but I am certain she has been told how awful I am.   

  

What to do in Texas. 

This little boy needs you to do something. Please call CPS, you can make an anonymous call if you like. It seems to me that this child is being neglected and that is not fair. You can make a huge difference in his life just by giving him a voice and saying what he cannot. Phone the mother, do whatever you can, imagine how you would feel if something did happen to this little boy- it sounds like you really care about him, you would never forgive yourself!!
 
May 12, 2006, 4:43 am CDT

Poor Child

Quote From: tannorval

This little boy needs you to do something. Please call CPS, you can make an anonymous call if you like. It seems to me that this child is being neglected and that is not fair. You can make a huge difference in his life just by giving him a voice and saying what he cannot. Phone the mother, do whatever you can, imagine how you would feel if something did happen to this little boy- it sounds like you really care about him, you would never forgive yourself!!
I agree that he is being neglected. The very least those parents could do is make sure he is clean, wearing clean clothes and a dry diaper. I think alot of sitters include snacks and meals in their care, but it would be nice of them to bring some food with the child. Everything is so expensive now.
 
May 12, 2006, 8:15 am CDT

My Friend/Relative Won't Discipline!

I battle with myself daily on this, it's a horrible decision to have to make.  I know what the system is like, it frightens me almost as much as him being at home with his parents.   And the father scares me, they would know it was me, and he is a very volatile man.  I have three children, I can't put them in harms way either.   

  

My husband says that I am out of it now, but I don't feel like I am when I think about the child every day.  Even my 13 year old daughter said once that they did not deserve the baby.  A 13 year old, self absorbed teenager said that, it's pretty obvious. 

  

Still trying to decide. 

  

 
May 12, 2006, 9:54 pm CDT

Lack of Parenting

We have friends and have been friends with them for around 4 years.  Every weekend their girls are at their parents house.  Needless to say the youngest has major attachment issues and when they do get them they whine and cry the *entire* time.  The youngest goes to her grandparents during the day while their parents work.  Therefore, the mom will be too tired to go get her so the youngest will be at home *maybe* 3 times out of the entire week.  The mom has no desire to actually be a parent.  The husband works with the oldest and helps her with her homework, he gets them ready for school and for church b/c she is too busy with herself.  He is the one that bathes them and then he has to lay down with them every night so they can go to sleep.  However, in the middle of the night they both end up in their bed.  Whatever they want to eat they get.  They don't monitor what they eat.  One morning they had a full box of Princess fruit snacks and marshmallows for breakfast alone.  They will snack on chips or whatever else they whine about.  For birthdays, they invite everyone they know over and the girls get *tons* of presents.  However, the fourth bedroom in their house is dedicated to their presents alone.  They have stuff from two years ago that is still in the packages and not even touched that is stored in this room.  It is walking space only.  Whenever we go over there the kids are expected to sit down and watch cartoons or tv of some sort.  They don't actually spend time with them.  The husband sometimes has to work on Saturdays and the mom will send her kids to their grandparents just because she needs a day to herself (every flippin' weekend).  She will even send them to her grandparents but offer to watch our kids if we need someone!!  There is no discipline if the kids wants something they get it with no questions asked.  If the kids need anything at all, the mom will tell the dad to take care of it.  The youngest was over 3 1/2 when she was potty trained b/c they were too lazy to work with her.  The reason she is potty trained now is b/c the grandparents are the ones that really stuck with teaching her.  The dad was always changing her pull-up and I never saw the mom change one diaper.  She will tell the youngest to go get the pull-up for her daddy to change her!!  I am stepping off of my soap box and I am sure there is more but this is all that is all coming to me right now. 

  

  

 
May 13, 2006, 5:43 am CDT

spanking

Quote From: phil_me

Are you kidding me?  All three of my children were spanked - not every time they did something wrong - but every time they took an action that could hurt themself, someone or something else, or deliberately hurt someone else.  They are now 13, 10 and 7 years of age. 

Where are they now? 

My 13 year old son is a normal young teen who struggles with schoolwork and sometimes with friends, but is in now way "wild" - permanently or otherwise.  As a matter of fact, he has responsibilities at home that include being the babysitter for us for his brother and sister when needed. 

Neither are my other son and 7-yr old daughter - how did you say? "permanent wild children".  They are loving, affectionate and extremely self-confident and intelligent. 

And by the way, they NEVER throw tantrums, publicly or privately, they respect authority (even use "Sir" and "Ma'am" like pros) without fearing it, and willingly accept responsibilities and consequences for their behavior.  

Yes, I "went there"...and if I had to do it all over?  I'd pop their little butts again!  

My son is 30 now with children of his own and he is self-disciplined and knows about boundaries because when he was misbehaving he was warned and then is he continued, he got a spanking...not a beating...a spanking.  It certainly gets their attention and if punishment isn't unpleasant and swift they can get the upperhand pretty quickly. 
 
May 13, 2006, 5:59 am CDT

step children

Quote From: raineday1

I am in the same type of situtation that you are.  My boyfriend is the same with his 10 year old daughter  he cannot/will not tell her no or see that she ever does wrong.  She is bascially a brat, spoiled and given her own way all the time.  I try to tell him that it's only hurting her and that he will regret this when she becomes a teenager.   He'll respond "not my little angel, she'll never be a brat"   She's already staring to show signs of being mouthy, pouting when she doesn't think she'll get her way and demanding.  She is very "needy" and will pout to get attention.  My kids are grown as well and I never dealt with them the way I have to deal with her.  I too was pretty strict and looking back and seeing this I'm glad.  I've thought several times about leaving.  She's even called our house demanding he break up with me because she didn't like me.  Her mother has turned her against me and I had to get a restraniing order on her mom for assulting me.  The mother is also on probation because of it.    

   

I don't know what to do either.  It's made me very miserable in our relationship when she's around.  I dread every weekend  I know she's going to be with us.  I don't have to live with her daily unlike you.  He's mentioned maybe when she is 12 she could live with us.  It's terrible but I surely hope not.  It would be the end unless I can learn to deal with it better.  I do have an appointment with a professional at the end of this month to see if it's me that is the problem or if he's creating it.  I believe it's him allowing this just as your fiance.  You can love your children, but you don't allow them to be rude and treat others badly in the process.  I feel for your situation, it's not an easy one and I wish I could offer more advice.    

   

So often when the parent is feeling guilty about the divorce or whatever they just are blind to the bad behavior. 

If you are thinking that you want a permanent relationship with this man...you might think it through very carefully...when an ill-behaved child makes a parent "decide" between you or them....well, it can be very painful...maybe better to cut your losses and move on....not all children act this way!! 

 
May 13, 2006, 6:28 am CDT

My Friend/Relative Won't Discipline!

Quote From: lissabob

So you could spank an adult and it wouldn't be called battery? Hmmmmm
THERE IS A VAST DIFFERENCE BETWEEN "HITTING" and "SPANKING"!  Starting off with intent!!!
 
May 13, 2006, 7:46 am CDT

I have a similar problem...

My husbands niece has a 9 yr old daughter. She is mean and hateful. She's a bully, and her mother supports, even encourages the behavior. I have heard  the mother  tell her ,"If they do anything to you (talking about my children) beat the snot out of them." I have even heard her tell the child to "hit them as hard as you can". The biggest problem is that the child knows alot about sex. She made sure to tell my 6 yr old all about it too. I understand kids being curious, believe me, but those two were caught playing "house". When they were asked about it, my son said that the little girl showed him how to play the game.  I took the time to find out exactly what happened and explained why he couldnt play that game and had to explain sex years before I had planned. The girls mom flipped out and said my tiny 6 yr old made her big 9 yr old do it and wouldnt even discuss the matter with her child until I let her know that if she didnt want to find out the truth maybe a child therapist would. Finally we talked to the girl and asked her the truth. She said that my son made her, my son said she was lying and finally she admitted that she showed him the game. I asked how in the world she know that much about the birds and bees. She is 9 and sleeps in her parents room, and has her whole life. No wonder she is so savvy in the ways of the world. As of now my children are not allowed to play with her anymore, and I let her mother know that if she was going to encourage bad and dangerous behavior, to keep her child away. I hate to be that way, especially with family but my family is my main concern.
 
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