Dr. Phil.com - Messageboards - My Friend/Relative Won't Discipline!

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May 15, 2006, 9:47 am PDT

Help

I am 18 years old and am living at home while I attend collage. I have a 3.5 GPA and enjoy going to school in hopes of bettering my life and insuring a positive future. I want nothing more than to do well and show my family my appriciation for the sacrifices they have made to allow me to continue my education and make something of myself. I need your help because of what is going on in my home. I am the oldest of three children. I have a sister who is 15 and a brother who is 8. My mother is a single parent. The problem lies between my mother and my young brother. It is difficult for me to explain this because there is so much to the story. For the past year or so my brother has been having extreme temper tantrums. In the past six months these tantrums have become incresingly violent. During a tantrum he screams at my mom, my sister, and myself and sometimes threatens us with physical pain. He calls my mother horrific names, says she doesn't deserve to be loved, tells her he hates her and that he wants her to die. He has once threatened my mother with a knife. He periodically runs through our house throwing and breaking things. My mom has tried many things to get this to stop such as repremanding him, grounding him, and at times when he is completly out of control she has tried to restrain him. I am very afraid when he acts like this. My sister goes to her room, closes the door and ignores it. I hurt from what he does and it's not easy for me to ignor my mother being hurt. To make things even worse, my mom does not follow through with punishments. When the tantrums appear to be over she acts as if nothing has happened. She scolds me when I ask her in private what to do about the behavior. I know I am not the one to discipline my sibling, and I'm not trying to. I just wish she'd step up and do something about his behavior. We have tried a few things. My mom has sent my brother to live with my father on the other side of town. He stayed with him for 4 days and my mom missed him so dearly. She went over to visit him and ended up bringing him home! That same night he threw a tantrum and hit my mom repeatedly. He is also using his behavior to aviod going to school. In the mornings when we all are getting ready for work and school, my brother will begin screaming and telling my mom that he will not be getting dressed and will not be going to school. He did this this morning infact. He made my sister late for class and my mother late for work. He ran outside the house and started screaming and he attempted to break the glass of our backdoor. While outside he screamed things about my mother that I never want to hear repeated. He acted this way yesterday too, on Mother's Day, for the whole day. I really need someone's help because I have nowhere to turn. I'll be yelled at if I try to help these people. I just want my family to be ok. I'm so afraid of what could happen to my mom. Please help me.

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flu626

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May 15, 2006, 12:40 pm PDT

My husband's views on this.

Quote From: jenoc99

What does your husband think/say/do about this behavior?
Its best to keep this kid AWAY from your children... sex abuse is sex abuse, whether its from a kid your own age, an older kid, or an adult , it leaves a lasting impression and can effect them forever. Its such a crying shame that girl is sleeping in her parents room and obviously seeing/hearing things she shouldn't be.

My husband feels the same way. He doesn't want our children around this girl, either. We have also decided to have our child talk to a therapist as well, to work through this without leaving a traumatic impression on him for the rest of his life. However, my husband is an Infantry soldier in the army and is not around physically as much as I am. If he was here, he would probably have a very blunt conversation with this girls parents, including demanding that they talk to a professional or getting socail services involved. I don't want to go that far myself because I don't think it's my place as long as my children are no longer affected. Other family members know the whole story and if they decide to push it any further is beyond my control as long as their children are safe also.

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beertje

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May 15, 2006, 6:50 pm PDT

My Friend/Relative Won't Discipline!

Quote From: jcbjcb18

I am 18 years old and am living at home while I attend collage. I have a 3.5 GPA and enjoy going to school in hopes of bettering my life and insuring a positive future. I want nothing more than to do well and show my family my appriciation for the sacrifices they have made to allow me to continue my education and make something of myself. I need your help because of what is going on in my home. I am the oldest of three children. I have a sister who is 15 and a brother who is 8. My mother is a single parent. The problem lies between my mother and my young brother. It is difficult for me to explain this because there is so much to the story. For the past year or so my brother has been having extreme temper tantrums. In the past six months these tantrums have become incresingly violent. During a tantrum he screams at my mom, my sister, and myself and sometimes threatens us with physical pain. He calls my mother horrific names, says she doesn't deserve to be loved, tells her he hates her and that he wants her to die. He has once threatened my mother with a knife. He periodically runs through our house throwing and breaking things. My mom has tried many things to get this to stop such as repremanding him, grounding him, and at times when he is completly out of control she has tried to restrain him. I am very afraid when he acts like this. My sister goes to her room, closes the door and ignores it. I hurt from what he does and it's not easy for me to ignor my mother being hurt. To make things even worse, my mom does not follow through with punishments. When the tantrums appear to be over she acts as if nothing has happened. She scolds me when I ask her in private what to do about the behavior. I know I am not the one to discipline my sibling, and I'm not trying to. I just wish she'd step up and do something about his behavior. We have tried a few things. My mom has sent my brother to live with my father on the other side of town. He stayed with him for 4 days and my mom missed him so dearly. She went over to visit him and ended up bringing him home! That same night he threw a tantrum and hit my mom repeatedly. He is also using his behavior to aviod going to school. In the mornings when we all are getting ready for work and school, my brother will begin screaming and telling my mom that he will not be getting dressed and will not be going to school. He did this this morning infact. He made my sister late for class and my mother late for work. He ran outside the house and started screaming and he attempted to break the glass of our backdoor. While outside he screamed things about my mother that I never want to hear repeated. He acted this way yesterday too, on Mother's Day, for the whole day. I really need someone's help because I have nowhere to turn. I'll be yelled at if I try to help these people. I just want my family to be ok. I'm so afraid of what could happen to my mom. Please help me.

How has your father helped on this situation? Both of them need to come together and sit down with him to discuss the boundaries and consequences of his behavior and that the other parent needs to follow through the discipline even if the behavior occured in the other house. Does he behave this way at dad's house?

I would recommend sitting down with dad and having a heart-to-heart discussion about your concerns. If he dismisses them, I would videotape an episode and challenge him to watch it and then ask him if anything needs to be done. What happened a year ago that his behavior has changed so drastically? When your brother is calm, relaxed, and happy, is he open to discussing his behavior with you to help get at the root of the issue? Sometimes siblings can be more helpful at getting information than parents because they feel siblings can relate more. Take him on a one-on-one playdate and slowly bring up the topic and see how he responds. Your parents may be grateful to you for getting a break, watching their children bond, and getting information to help a child in need.

Nonetheless, his violent behavior needs to change. Is he violent only to your mother? Is he reacting to a situation or is he seeing disrespect or dismissive attitude come from your father to your mother? Is something going on at school or outside the home setting that he hasn't shared with anyone? Is he blaming your mother for something noone is aware of? If none of the above has occurred, your mom and dad needs to get him in to counseling to rule out chemical imbalances.

Good luck not only in your situation, but keep up the fantabulistic job in school and keep your chin up. I hope my children end up as mature and balanced as you seem to be! You should be proud of yourself!

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beertje

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May 15, 2006, 6:59 pm PDT

My Friend/Relative Won't Discipline!

Quote From: amanda252

my friend usse to live across the street from me, she is a great friend, now lives 20 minutes away she has a 7 yr old and a 4 yr old. when she moved in i as like finally someone i can talk to. but as time went on and we got to know each other it got worse. i heard many times the older boy swearing at her calling her a bitch, telliong her to shut the f up and more. i had to go over at one time to take him to school and help get him dressed and was kicked in the process. the worse was my 4 yr old girl, he was mean to her, was fine when thy played by them selves but when the yunger boy,(who she liked better) would play he was awful, he pushed and shoved her down, and told them that they should kiss and have the younger boy touch my girls privates, good thing he didnt, me and my friend had many arguments over his behavior. i feel bad cuz my daughter misses the younger boy very much they was best friends, but am relutant to take her up there around the older boy. tough decisions for me, and even tougher to keep telling her no.

I would even take it a step further and report it to child protection to force the family to get the help he needs before he has a permanent record as a child molester or sexual predator at the ripe age of 11. This kid had to have been exposed somehow to the same behaviors he's currently displaying to his brother and neighborhood friends. Kids don't just make this up on their own. Do this before another kid becomes victimized.

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pheelion

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May 18, 2006, 8:09 pm PDT

Pots & Kettles

Quote From: jwthompson

You are not rude - his parents are rude for allowing him to behave that way. And I don't feel that you had anything to apologize for. My husband has a friend and he and his wife have a 4 year old that acts the same way. He is rude and disrespectful. When he doesn't get his way, he starts crying and his mom gives in to him every time. This kid is a nightmare. My husband and I have both just started telling them they can't let him behave that way. He is also VERY disrespectul to his own mother. He hits her, yells at her, screams in her face....she does nothing. If these kids are this young and they're this difficult to deal with, imagine how hard it will be in a few years. If they're not taught respect at home, where are they supposed to learn it. I have 2 kids that were disciplined - I know what I'm talking about. And it's not the kid's fault - it's the parents fault. I think parents should be made aware of how their behavior and their children's behavior is affecting the people around them. I don't think your husband was right for telling you those things. I completely agree with you.

You are most definately not rude. Your husband on the other hand is putting you in a position where not only are your home and possessions being broken and disrespected you are not even allowed to complain about it.

Maybe you should suggest to your husband that if he finds that behaivour acceptable he should go and live with the little brat and you can find yourself somebody who does respect you and your rights instead of making you feel bad because his friends have no respect for you.

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aprilsch

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June 2, 2006, 8:08 pm PDT

Ways to disipline your kids......

My name is april. I am 22 yrs. old. My mother has had a home day care for 21 yrs. I have an older brother and a younger sister. We have all been raised in this day care. I have been working here for 7 years. I have seen the kids that are sneaky and hit the other kids. They have answered me and my mom back....sometimes with bad language. Let's just say I've seen everything! I am the pre school teacher and manager here. My classroom is down the basement which is the day care center. Me and my family look at these kids and their families as family. We all love each other like family! If they do something really good....we praise them. If they do something "bad" we way it out. We've learned (over the years) not to say the word "bad" to them. It can stick in their heads and they could possibly think they are "bad" kids that will grow up into "bad" people. We use the word naughty. If they are pushing, taking toys from the other kids, being nasty...etc.... We give them a warning. Only one! We tell them "if you do that one more time....I will put you on the naughty chair, or the naughty rug." Usually, they stop. But if they don't....I follow through with what I say.....I sit them on the naughty chair, or rug....without yelling.....I kneel down to their level.....I speak a way that they can understand....I look into their eyes.....and I tell them why I put them on the naughty chair. They will kick, scream, etc....to get your attention to get them off of being punished. Ignore them! Do not give them dirty looks, or speak to them. Say nothing, and walk away! If the child is 5 yrs. old....they have to sit there for 5 min. 1 min....according to their age. If they get up, and run around....I follow them and I do not say a word. When I get to them...I get them by the hand....without eye contact.....no speaking...and I bring them back to the naughty chair. Sometimes, I will have to do that a lot, until they listen. When their time is up (from being punished).....I go over to them.....kneel down....and ask them why I punished them. Also, I ask for them to say their sorry to me, or whoever....if they don't say their sorry...they sit there until they do. My parents have NEVER hit my brother, me, and my sister. My mom and dad used to punish, but they never laid a hand on us. Also, we have never laid a hand on any of these kids. Not only is it wrong, but we have a lot of love and respect for each of these kids. Punishing does work if you are consistant with it. Never changing it, and do NOT give in. Make them know that they are not the boss. This goes for any age. They need structure. They need to know right from wrong. Please, rememeber though....always praise them if they do something good. Give them hugs, kisses and always tell them that you love them....and mean it. Make time out of your day to be with them. That is the most important thing!

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beertje

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June 2, 2006, 8:51 pm PDT

My Friend/Relative Won't Discipline!

Quote From: aprilsch

My name is april. I am 22 yrs. old. My mother has had a home day care for 21 yrs. I have an older brother and a younger sister. We have all been raised in this day care. I have been working here for 7 years. I have seen the kids that are sneaky and hit the other kids. They have answered me and my mom back....sometimes with bad language. Let's just say I've seen everything! I am the pre school teacher and manager here. My classroom is down the basement which is the day care center. Me and my family look at these kids and their families as family. We all love each other like family! If they do something really good....we praise them. If they do something "bad" we way it out. We've learned (over the years) not to say the word "bad" to them. It can stick in their heads and they could possibly think they are "bad" kids that will grow up into "bad" people. We use the word naughty. If they are pushing, taking toys from the other kids, being nasty...etc.... We give them a warning. Only one! We tell them "if you do that one more time....I will put you on the naughty chair, or the naughty rug." Usually, they stop. But if they don't....I follow through with what I say.....I sit them on the naughty chair, or rug....without yelling.....I kneel down to their level.....I speak a way that they can understand....I look into their eyes.....and I tell them why I put them on the naughty chair. They will kick, scream, etc....to get your attention to get them off of being punished. Ignore them! Do not give them dirty looks, or speak to them. Say nothing, and walk away! If the child is 5 yrs. old....they have to sit there for 5 min. 1 min....according to their age. If they get up, and run around....I follow them and I do not say a word. When I get to them...I get them by the hand....without eye contact.....no speaking...and I bring them back to the naughty chair. Sometimes, I will have to do that a lot, until they listen. When their time is up (from being punished).....I go over to them.....kneel down....and ask them why I punished them. Also, I ask for them to say their sorry to me, or whoever....if they don't say their sorry...they sit there until they do. My parents have NEVER hit my brother, me, and my sister. My mom and dad used to punish, but they never laid a hand on us. Also, we have never laid a hand on any of these kids. Not only is it wrong, but we have a lot of love and respect for each of these kids. Punishing does work if you are consistant with it. Never changing it, and do NOT give in. Make them know that they are not the boss. This goes for any age. They need structure. They need to know right from wrong. Please, rememeber though....always praise them if they do something good. Give them hugs, kisses and always tell them that you love them....and mean it. Make time out of your day to be with them. That is the most important thing!

Kudos to you for figuring it out right away! Doesn't it work great?!?!? Whenever watching Supernanny or Nanny911, I'm like... duh! and it's super funny because I watch it with my kids who also agree with the shows. It's very interesting getting their reactions. My parents tried many different methods and by the time I started having kids, my mom finally started figuring it out so she and I could learn together and get it right with my kids. **Crosses fingers** so far so good! Thank your mother and father immensely for getting it right the first time! I'm extremely grateful to my mother for not being embarrassed to show me what's failed in her trials and errors and confident to share what did work!

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jinniny

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June 16, 2006, 1:24 pm PDT

kid or animal?

I am really good friends with my brother's sister. We do many activities together. I love her child almost as if she was my own. I would do anything for by sister in law, brother and his child. My problem is that I don't know how to react to the child's behavior.

1 examples: when we are talking in the car, the child will not let us have a converstation. She gets very upset if we are not talking with her only. My sister lets the child monopolize the conversation.

2nd example: The child is constantly pretending to be an animal. At a resturant recently she insisted on walking in and out of the resturant on her hands and knees and my sister let her.

Is there anyway for me to let my friend know that this type of behavior bothers me without ruining the friendship? Is this appropriate behavior?

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skwirl

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June 18, 2006, 2:19 pm PDT

My Friend/Relative Won't Discipline!

Quote From: aprilsch

My name is april. I am 22 yrs. old. My mother has had a home day care for 21 yrs. I have an older brother and a younger sister. We have all been raised in this day care. I have been working here for 7 years. I have seen the kids that are sneaky and hit the other kids. They have answered me and my mom back....sometimes with bad language. Let's just say I've seen everything! I am the pre school teacher and manager here. My classroom is down the basement which is the day care center. Me and my family look at these kids and their families as family. We all love each other like family! If they do something really good....we praise them. If they do something "bad" we way it out. We've learned (over the years) not to say the word "bad" to them. It can stick in their heads and they could possibly think they are "bad" kids that will grow up into "bad" people. We use the word naughty. If they are pushing, taking toys from the other kids, being nasty...etc.... We give them a warning. Only one! We tell them "if you do that one more time....I will put you on the naughty chair, or the naughty rug." Usually, they stop. But if they don't....I follow through with what I say.....I sit them on the naughty chair, or rug....without yelling.....I kneel down to their level.....I speak a way that they can understand....I look into their eyes.....and I tell them why I put them on the naughty chair. They will kick, scream, etc....to get your attention to get them off of being punished. Ignore them! Do not give them dirty looks, or speak to them. Say nothing, and walk away! If the child is 5 yrs. old....they have to sit there for 5 min. 1 min....according to their age. If they get up, and run around....I follow them and I do not say a word. When I get to them...I get them by the hand....without eye contact.....no speaking...and I bring them back to the naughty chair. Sometimes, I will have to do that a lot, until they listen. When their time is up (from being punished).....I go over to them.....kneel down....and ask them why I punished them. Also, I ask for them to say their sorry to me, or whoever....if they don't say their sorry...they sit there until they do. My parents have NEVER hit my brother, me, and my sister. My mom and dad used to punish, but they never laid a hand on us. Also, we have never laid a hand on any of these kids. Not only is it wrong, but we have a lot of love and respect for each of these kids. Punishing does work if you are consistant with it. Never changing it, and do NOT give in. Make them know that they are not the boss. This goes for any age. They need structure. They need to know right from wrong. Please, rememeber though....always praise them if they do something good. Give them hugs, kisses and always tell them that you love them....and mean it. Make time out of your day to be with them. That is the most important thing!

I was (divorced now) a step-mother to a 3 year old little girl. She would hit her mother and Grandmother and actually spit on her mother! Totally disrespected her mother in every way. I think her mom felt guilty for punishing her. My X husband never paid the little girl any attention, so when we got her which was every other weekend, I was the one that entertained her and spent all the time with her. I don't have any kids and wasn't about to put up with that kind of behavior, and I would never lay a hand on someone elses kid, her mother was already scared enough knowing that her daughter was with a woman that she didn't even know. So I started watching the Dr. Phil shows and YES! Super-nanny! It worked like a charm! The key is, like you said, consistency. The first time I put her in the corner in the hall-way, she tried to scratch my eyeballs out! Actually started banging her head on the wall! I was beginning to wonder if she was going to win, but I remembered a Dr. Phil show where he said to pick your battles and if you pick it then by God you better win! I started her "3 minutes" only after she quit throwing the fit, she finally got quiet and as soon as her 3 minutes were up, I went over to her and asked her if she knew why she was in the corner. She said yes Icee, (she can't say Shirley! lol, don't know how she got Icee out of Shirley!) She said cuz I don't listen. Then she jumped up on me and gave me the biggest hug and said I sawwy Icee, I luvd you Icee! Just melted my heart! She was sooo good after that, all I had to do was threaten the corner and she would straighten up. I only had to actually put her in the corner probably 4 times in 3 years. It got to where her mother would call me crying and ask me what to do. But she would always put her in her room to punish her with a kiddy-gate up and the little girl would kick it down! Then the mama would run into her room crying and not know what to do. I always told her what I did, but she would never do it herself. She felt like she was being mean. But I agree with everything you said, it works! You just have to be consistent and let the kids know that they aren't going to win, and believe me they will try anything!!! LOL! The praise is SO important! Everytime she did something good I would make her think her poop didn't stink. She is a great kid, kids just do what they are allowed to get by with and I am a firm believer in that. I don't have kids, but I've seen enough examples of how NOT to do it, that I know what works when I see it. I have been divorced from this man for almost a year now, and his x-wife and I still talk and see each other regularly. She told me that I will always be the little girls second mommy because she knows we love each other. She is more comfortable with me spending time with her daughter than she is the daughter's own father! I had a bad childhood with a bad step-mother. I am happy to know that I have actually went the opposite of my step-mother instead of following in her footsteps. I was soooo protective of that little girl and that is one of the things that led to my divorce. The only time her Daddy cared about her (or acted like he did) was when he was trying to impress some woman. It made me sick the way he did her, and he was so jealous of our relationship. When he would come home, the little girl would run and hide behind my legs. Isn't that sad? I tried so hard to get him to take an interest in her, but he was just too busy and too selfish. I believe things happen for a reason and I believe that the reason for me and him ever being together was because of that sweet little girl. I love her and she will always be a part of my life, probably more a part of mine than her own father's. Sorry, I kinda got carried away, had a story to tell! Anyway what I REALLY wanted to say is, RIGHT ON APRIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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skwirl

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June 18, 2006, 2:37 pm PDT

My Friend/Relative Won't Discipline!

Quote From: jinniny

I am really good friends with my brother's sister. We do many activities together. I love her child almost as if she was my own. I would do anything for by sister in law, brother and his child. My problem is that I don't know how to react to the child's behavior.

1 examples: when we are talking in the car, the child will not let us have a converstation. She gets very upset if we are not talking with her only. My sister lets the child monopolize the conversation.

2nd example: The child is constantly pretending to be an animal. At a resturant recently she insisted on walking in and out of the resturant on her hands and knees and my sister let her.

Is there anyway for me to let my friend know that this type of behavior bothers me without ruining the friendship? Is this appropriate behavior?

I have been in almost the same situation except it was my husbands sister and her children. Talk about wild-child's! Totally out of control! She would gripe and gripe about the things that they did, but never followed through with any punishment. As far as your question, I don't think there is any way that you can state that the behavior bothers you with out offending someone. They seem to take it personal and get defensive. They brought the kids to my house one night and the Father just sat on the couch totally oblivious to anything going on around him and the mother just ignored their behavior. The were running all around my house, pulling out drawers and actually took a stamp out of the desk and started stamping my furniture! I finally had enough so I picked up the kids and sat them down on the couch next to their mother and father and proceeded to tell them that my husband and I did not have kids so there was not alot of things in the house that they could play with. I told them that Uncle Charlie and Aunt Shirley had rules, and the rules were, that if they wanted to play with something, they had to ask first. My sister-in-law got so mad at me she wouldn't even talk to me for a long time! I talked to my mother-in-law after that and said that I thought my sister-in-law was mad at me and she said, yeah, I already heard it. But I didn't care, I was sooooo mad! But the thing is the next time they came over with the kids, I was talking with my sis-in-law and here came the little boy flying into the room, jumped on the bed and started to grab the phone that was laying there. Right before he touched it, he stopped, and he said, Aunt Shirley, can I please use your telephone? I smiled and said, you sure can, but don't make any long distance phone calls, then I gave him a big hug and thanked him for asking me first. I never had another problem with the kids, but the sister-in-law has ALWAYS been mad at me. So I guess my question to you is, "Is it worth it to you to say something?". Just depends on what's more important to you. I just have a really hard time keeping my mouth shut, and I felt so much better when I said something, I could really care less what she thought! So let us know what you decide to do, I am very interested in your situation! GOOD LUCK!!!!!

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Topic : My Friend/Relative Won't Discipline!

Help

My husband's views on this.

My Friend/Relative Won't Discipline!

My Friend/Relative Won't Discipline!

Pots & Kettles

Ways to disipline your kids......

My Friend/Relative Won't Discipline!

kid or animal?

My Friend/Relative Won't Discipline!

My Friend/Relative Won't Discipline!