Topic : My Friend/Relative Won't Discipline!

Are you kidding me?  All three of my children were spanked - not every time they did something wrong - but every time they took an action that could hurt themself, someone or something else, or deliberately hurt someone else.  They are now 13, 10 and 7 years of age. 

Where are they now? 

My 13 year old son is a normal young teen who struggles with schoolwork and sometimes with friends, but is in now way "wild" - permanently or otherwise.  As a matter of fact, he has responsibilities at home that include being the babysitter for us for his brother and sister when needed. 

Neither are my other son and 7-yr old daughter - how did you say? "permanent wild children".  They are loving, affectionate and extremely self-confident and intelligent. 

And by the way, they NEVER throw tantrums, publicly or privately, they respect authority (even use "Sir" and "Ma'am" like pros) without fearing it, and willingly accept responsibilities and consequences for their behavior.  

Yes, I "went there"...and if I had to do it all over?  I'd pop their little butts again!  

oh to spank or not to spank, good grief! children need discipline and to be taught right from wrong and they need guidance and love and respect. My children are very well behaved kids (certainly has their moments) and they know I mean business in my home and when they cross the lines, they know they will be disciplined. communication also is very imporant and whatever technique that a parent chooses needs to work on that particualar child and communication right along with it and I mean good,healthy communication, no yelling and screaming and no belittleing the child. children certainly know whether they are cared for and will respond negatively toward whatever discipline takes place if they feel unloved, unappreciated, disrespected and so on. What I have seen is that ALL forms of discipline can become abuse if not applied in the right manner and I have seen unruly and rude kids who come from both sides ot this issue. To put a parent down for the way they discipline just becasue we disagree witht he technique is so immature and wrong. I personally do not have a problem with spanking but do not use it much at all, and don't have a problem with those who don't believe it for the behavior of the child as wella s the attitude can actually be the real eye opener of whether or not the child is disciplined not neccessarily the technique. And for those who do not discipline their children, well you are in for a big surprise, your children will grow to disrespect you, this society today is definetly lacking when it comes to disciplining their kids, basically the kids run the home and we wonder why there is so much chaios, disrespect and behavior problems in our schools, it is the lack of discipline, and in a lot of cases a lack of respect and not enough praises for the child. so parents, whether you spank or use another form of discipline, you gotta make sure that what you are using is affective and if it isn't something needs to change and it is you and only you that can make that change and remember children need to know and feel the love and care from their parents and Actions speak louder then words.

 I saw some of the  Dr. Phil show on Friday, 10/7/2005, involving disipline.  Well, I work as a merchandiser in a major department store.  When I am working in my section there are children looking and touching my merchandise.  Their parents are no where to be found.  I take matters into "my own hands" and ask the child to put down the card or wrapping paper or whatever.   One time I caught two children playing with 2 rolls of wrapping paper as if they were saber swords!  I don't feel it is right for children to be "playing" with my merchandise.  I have come into other stores that I work in and find chewed (yes, I said chewed) and ripped boxes.  I can not sell this merchandise and my company has to "eat it". I don't feel parents have control over their kids these days and I certainly don't see disipline when I am out shopping.  It's so much easier for parents to tell their kids "go over there and play".

When I was raising my child (he is 21 yrs old now) he was ALWAYS with me.   I didn't need a harness and he didn't touch things unless I told him it was okay.  I worked with my child all the time.  Parents these days don't do this.  I really feel disipline is a thing of the past for most families.  It is a very sad thing indeed.

We have a very similar issue....our 5 Grandchildren are  all brats!  

None of them has been spanked...4 of  them have had to be in behaviour classes at school...three have had to be in speech therapy because their parents STILL baby talk to/with them.   

There was concern that 2 would not be potty trained by the time they were to start school.  The parents definitely have the attitude that their children are perfect and all is someone else's fault.   Imagine having to go to school every day for 3 weeks with your child in Grade one...and stay there all day, because the child is very sensitive and you need to see that the teacher learns how to deal with him....Imagine parents sitting and ignoring all 5 of them jumping  on a brand new living room chair that was delivered while they were at our house.  Imagine having to replace it the day after they were here becasue they broke it....and the parents said not a word....pretended it didn't happen.  Yes they CAN drive their trucks on the new tables in the living room and if they choose - they can sit in the tables...or stand on them even! 

It is not pleasant to have them around and embarassing to say that they are our Grandchildren.  My husband is afraid to say something to them for fear that they will never come back or contact him again.  Yes...they are his children's children....even more frustrating becasue I CAN'T say a word! 

Seems to me that there should have been a whole lot more spanking in the past.   What could possibly be worse than what we see....children dictating when they will go to buy groceries and where?  I don' t think so! 

PLEASE give me a spanked child any day....spanking doesn't mean beating them...a swat on the butt hasn't hurt anyone that I know!  ANYTHING would be better than this! 

It is tough to sit on your hands and keep your lips shut when all you want to do is help your friend with her children.  The fact that you realize that SHE needs to parent them and you try to stay out of the way is more than most would do.  However, is it possible that your friend is just completely overwhelemed and has no idea what to do or even where to start to fix the problems?  Maybe you could think of and organize a game where all of the children get to play, WITH THE PARENTS.  I think this is the most important part.  As parents we sometimes have a tendancy to tell them "go play" either at the park, at home, with siblings, whatever so that we can visit with our friends or have that blessed 10 seconds of peace. ;)   Maybe the children miss playing with mommy and by misbehaving they get more attention from her than if they were to behave.  Anyway, try involving the children in whatever you are doing and be patient.  It might help. :)

Except, it is with my brother and sister-in-law.  My nephew is 5 and can do NO wrong.  If I take my 2 boys to their house just to visit, my nephew always ends up injuring one of them...They try to defend themselves and my brother tries to discipline my children...They will tell their uncle that his son was hitting, kicking, biting, or throwing things at them and he all but calls them liars.  This is especially true with my oldest son who is 8...He hates going over there now because he always knows he is going to get in trouble with his uncle or his cousin is going to do these things to him without him being able to do anything to defend himself.  I have now stopped visiting my brother because of this...I don't know how to make them see that their son is not PERFECT...(As no child is).  Now, however, my bro and sil keep calling wanting to know when their son can stay the night at my house....NOT GOING TO HAPPEN....My children do not act that way in my house...No one else's will either....I don't know what else to do....

The way I see it, you have only one choice.  You need to sit down with your brother for a frank discussion.  Explain to him your concerns - stating obviously that NO child is perfect - you know your children misbehave as well - they all do.  However, there will be no sleepovers until it is agreed that when his child is in your house for a sleepover or even just a visit - your rules apply and you have the right to discipline him.  I would not have any sleepovers at their house until you notice a difference at your own home.  As far as your kids not wanting to go over there - don't force them - you know the situation and it is not fair to them to consistently put them in that situation.  If this pisses your brother and sister in law, so be it.  Tell your brother that you want a relationship with them, but you have to get this taken care of first.  If he is at all reasonable  and he wants a relationship with you, he should be willing to sit down with you and talk about it.  If you come across as a "know it all" he will get defensive and not listen, but if you come to him in a way that makes it clear that you want this for the good of everyone, maybe he will listen to you and see the situation more clearly.  It amazes me how blind parents can be to the realities of their kids behaviors.  It may not change - this is the type of thing that people can be completely stubborn and blind about, but for your sake, hopefully he will listen.

     have three grandchildren ages 3,21/2, and 18months and thankfully I am very close to my children and when the kids are with me I do disipline them. All my grandchildren just love coming to gammy's house. My kids know I'm not just going to sit back and allow them to take over my house. I also do it with a lot of love so I think that's why  my kids don't get offended and why my grandkids are so excited to go to our home. I try to give them each a little special time with grandma but they still have to behave. Maybe if you speak to children then it will make disipling them in your own home a little easier. You could try starting out with a little please don't touch this or that and please keep your shoes off the furniture and eventually you will build to make your own rules. 

  Hope this helps  Lori 

I have a friend whose children will walk all over her.  As soon as she gets home they are like homing magnets.  "Can I do this, can I do that, you said I could now you lied."  They don't even give her a chance to answer any questions.  Her husband on the other hand goes on a screaming rage.  He thinks he has to yell to get their attention and sometimes this may be true, but not every day.  There marriage is unstable due to these children.  I have taken the children for overnight stays and tried to explain to them what they are doing affects the people around them.  But, they just don't seem to care.  Dr. Phil will you help my friends?

It seems that while most parents may sort of realize their children are out of control, they simply do not want to admit it.  It SEEMS as if it is a problem with pride or fear.... 

  

My brother's daughter is an absolute brat!  She never had a set bedtime...and kept the whole house up for hour upon hour...  She screams and yells and then sneaks.... 

  

But then, when I look at the entire house, I see that she is merely a symptom.  Their whole house is disrespectful...loud...and out of control!  Nothing is sacred! 

  

I am no expert, but I honestly feel that if children are not shown and taught respect, then they will show none!  If they learn to respect others, then they learn to respect themselves.  And how do we teach them respect?  By example...and by being PARENTS....in other words, showing them where the line is and not letting them cross it!  If we say something, we had better mean it...even with punishment....that is showing respect!  We need to show manners and to teach them.  We need to respect others and to teach our children to do the same. 

  

Take a lesson from the military...and tell your sister to do the same....everytime those twins act up....have them do pushups...have them do a chore....  And no second chances!  Put them to work...no matter how young they are!  They will learn. 

  

Believe it or not...this is something people use in training aggressive dogs as well!  If you teach a dog a trick, everytime they show aggression, you make them do that trick.  It teaches that dog who is the master and they eventually back down.  Now, why I am not saying that children are like dogs...there is wisdom in that technique!  Children who own and run a household need to be reminded who the parents are.... 

  

THAT is respect!