Topic : My Friend/Relative Won't Discipline!

While trying to log onto the site yet again today for Dr. Phil & Robin's Holiday contest I got interested in this board about parents disciplining their children.  I am a 50 yr old mother of 4, 3 of whom are grown, and a daughter who is 7.  Due to my circumstance in life I have a few friends younger then myself due to my daughter and their's being of like ages.  As a single parent for the past 13 yrs. I have seen a change in the overall quality and quantity of parenting with our younger single parents.  I think one major problem is that our young people are not taught anymore then we were how to be parents.  We all know that there are certain adult issues that are never to be discussed in front of children.  My friend spends almost every waking moment with her daughter.  This is not a right or wrong issue in my opinion, however in that they do, the daughter hears and overhears everything that goes on in my friends life, both the good, the bad and the dysfunctions.  I have learned through a couple of unfortunate experiences that if I do not want my daughter to know something that is going on I cannot tell my friend as her daughter hears of this and then it gets back to my daughter at school or social functions.  She has far more knowledge then she needs to have at 7 yrs. old and comments on far too many adult issues that she should know nothing about due to this.  My daughter is a trusting and believing soul as with most at her age, and at the moment I am afraid that she will learn that there is no Santa Clause due to this.  She has already made comments that Christmas is bought. My friend and I have discussed this and other issues as she is an important person in my life to be able to talk things over with.  In the past we have had behavior problems with the girls that I finally began to handle in an authoritarian way when she is in my home. This is working so far.  My friend and I are both comfortable in my disciplining her when she is at my home.  We both love having the girls spend time together but cannot tolerate the amount of friction, etc that can happen at times when they are together.  At times we have performed in front of them as we see them act as a joke to get a point across to their behavior (this only worked momentarily).  Now I just have adopted a zero tolerance for any kind of misbehavior and abuse between the two of them.  It got to the point that due to the lack of "control" or discipline with my friends daughter that I did not want to spend time with them.  My daughter who is an only child now for the most part desperately wanted the company, however too did not like the difficulties.  With divorce (or having never been married) so much a part of our culture these days, it seems to me more importantly then ever is a need to educate our younger adults how to be parents.  I am not a perfect parent by any means and do not intend to imply this and I for one continue to read and educate myself on this still, after having raised 3 children.  As far as spanking goes, I had a dear friend/minister/father figure at one time who put it like this:  Discipline is teaching (or should be).  In order to teach a child you must first get their attention (in some way). i.e the idea of having them look directly into your eyes as you explain what is expected, then you know you have their attention.  If you cannot get there attention or find a way to get their attention through the withdrawal of priviledges, etc., then a swift pop on the behind with the intention of getting their "attention" is what this (in my opinion and what was shared with me) is all about.  To me this all equals "love" of your child and love of yourself and accepting the serious responsibility of rearing these young people to be socially acceptable persons.  As a young parent I too took the long hard road thinking I was being my child's friend or whatever.........and it just made the road harder for them and myself.  I like the phrase "do not do anything for your child that he/she can do for himself" this builds a strong, self reliant person of character and responsibility.  Being a parent does not mean being a slave.  If we as parents do not get it for ourselves, we are not going to be able to "give" it to our children and we are doing everyone a diservice in the long run.  Being politically correct has taken (or in the process of trying to take) "In God We Trust" out of almost everything in our lives that America stands for.........let's not take it out of the rearing of our children...............or God help us all, and our future.

So you could spank an adult and it wouldn't be called battery? Hmmmmm

My sister has a 12 year old daughter and a 10 year old son and they are totally out of control. they are way over weight because my sister eats out all the time and she lets them eat what they want when they want. My 12 year old neice tells my sister what she is and isnt going to do. She beat me up a couple of months ago! yes my neice! and my sister blamed me! i cant stand to hear her son's voice. he is so spoilt that he screams out loud when he dont get his way and it doesnt matter where you are. He torments my 7 year old and my child loves him! He is sneaky mean and wont ask me for anything..he will yell "mommy' as loud as he can until she answers him and  if he wants her to come to him she does.  He whispers her ear to ask for something in my house! makes me sick. The other day he and my son were playing and y son ask him where something was and he told him"if it was up your but you would know it!" is it wrong that I cant stand to be around this child? My neice is getting Fs on her report card and my sister grounds her for a day and then it is over..she has recieved several letters from the school about her behavior and my sister blames the school and says they are picking on her child lol. What is wrong with them?

When adults lack discipline and need correcting to get their attention................it is called prison!  When children lack discipline and we need to get their attention................one option is a swift pop on the behind (i.e. spanking or whatever you want to call it).............................(not violence, abuse or battery).  I would sooner get their attention now.............then have society get it later!  I suppose the battery issue is along the same lines of it being okay for parents and children to divorce one another, rather then work out the family difficulties that are sure to arise in any family.

Well, you can't change her and her ways but you can make the rules and boundaries when it comes to your home and kids. If they cannot respect you and your kids then you have every right to remind them of your rules and if they don't like it then tell them to leave. I know, this is probably not something that you want to do, but believe me, sometimes it just has to be done. You can tell your sister that you care for her and her kids and such but rules/boundaries are just that and meant to be kept, not broken therefore you stick by your house rules. you may just need to stay away from her for a time and see what happens, stick to your guns and don't give in to her ways. Sounds like she has some issues that she needs to work on and until she gets control and gets the help with her kids and all that she needs, this will continue and it will get worse so I would advise you to keep space between the two of you and don't be fed into her ways.

well i have a 7yr old and i have spanked him on occasion 

probably more than i should  

sometimes when i do that he will say that doesn't hurt  

what am i to do?  

he has a smart mouth on him 

 and i am a single parent  

  

well for one thing it is not the kids  

i mean they take partial on it  

but it is the way that she is raising the kids  

now they are 12 and 10  

it might not be to late for them  

but i think she needs to get them some help  

i don't think your sister is looking into the future 

i always do with my son  

he is 7 and he gives me a hard time to  

he gets mouthy and sometimes i do not know what to do  

any advice for me? 

  

  

thanks for the advice  

i have a 7 yr old son  

i am 33 and a single parent for the past 5 yrs or so  

i mean when i was my sons age my parents did spank and i turned out fine  

so nothing wrong with it  

to a certain extent  

how old are your other kids? 

and did you spank them? 

  

take care 

from indiana 

  

Anyone have some advice for correcting mealtime behavior?  I have 2 boys that are 4 and 6.  We have a couple issues but one of the big ones is mealtime.  It's a constant battle.  They are silly the whole time and it drives us nuts.  They just feed off each other.  They start making silly jokes or noises or burping etc.  and they just won't stop.  We've tried the time out chair.  Every time they are told to stop and they don't they have to go sit.  Well they could care less.  We've sent them away without eating and then they don't get their usual snack later.  It doesn't matter.  Now I'm having my 6 year old write (which he hates) if he's naughty but it still doesn't seem to stop it.  I've written down on a sign "Quiet at the table" because I read that in a book.  Doesn't work.  Do I have to have them eat one at a time just to avoid the situation?  We have a sit down meal every evening and I'd hate for them not to be included.  I know part of it is just boys being silly but another is them knowing it aggravates us so they do it more.  That's  a theme with our older one.  He lives to aggravate us even if he gets in trouble.  Unfortunately for us we're both easily riled partly because of his ongoing behavior.  The older one definitely falls under the category of what they call "spirited".  Any suggestions?  He is considered gifted in some areas and needs constant stimulus or he creates it.  ie, aggravation.  Help!

Maybe try having a topic to talk about while eating dinner. Have a jar with some suggestions which every one is included in thinking of topics. Then every evening, some one picks a topic from the jar and that is the discussion for the meal time. Then at the end of the meal, every one go into the living room and play a game like charades or something, but it has to be something wheere they can act silly and every one can join in the fun. This might help in every one in enjoying meal time but also sets aside a time for being silly.