Topic : My Friend/Relative Won't Discipline!

Dear Dr.Phil,  

 I have recently encountered a few families that apparently don't belive in discipline. They came over to our house and tore the place appart. I was appaled at the response or lack of response from the parents. They would run into the walls and fall over laughing. Jump on our new furniture with their shoes on. Scream like they were being tortured. The parents had not one iota of a care in the world. They were laughing at these little terrors like they were funny. I love children and have been around them my whole life but when I was young, children were seen and not heard. They were respectful of their elders. What has happened? Why have parents dropped the ball? I have found that kids have respect when they have boundaries. They are truly cute when they have guidlines. Am I the only one who has picked up on this?  

I do not believe in the saying that kids are to be seen and not heard but I do agree that they need discipline and need to learn respect. If those kids would have been in my home doing this stuff and the parents laughing about it, I am sure they would not have been laughing by the time the night was over because I would have said something. " I would appreciate it if you would not do these things in my home. here, I have games, toys, playdough, (whatever I may have) for you to do" and lead them to an area where they can play. I always have things for kids to do when they come to my home. I have never really had that kind of a problem but I have gotten a few dirty looks from a couple parents but hey, it's my home and I expect it to be respected. You need to do something like this and don't let people come in and destroy your home and if the parents get upset and leave, then o well! Don't worry about it. You have the right to make the rules and boundaries in your home and you have the right to enforce them so go for it.

I am sooo sad and so tired.. my niece her husband and 2 kids where invited to move in with us when he lost his job so that they would have a chance at a better life.. to find better jobs and to be close to home.. they have been here for about 7-8 months.. they are going to move out as soon as a relative moves out of another home that they plan to move into and buy.. the other relatives are looking for a place to buy as well. Well anyway.. here is my problem.. I have pets.. 2 cats and 3 little toy dogs.. the 2 kids , boys who are 2 and 4 have always been told to be nice to these animals.. not to chase, scream at them , hit them, make them scared in any way..they always got in trouble by me and my family for being hateful to the animals.. well a few weeks ago I lost my job.. I was layed off so now I am  home everyday,... and I am so sad .. no wonder I have had to be on the boys constantly when I use to come home.. they apprently have been allowed to do anything they want,,,,,my animals are running in fear from these kids all the time.. the parents wont do anything.. they might say a weak , "no no" "don't "to them, but most the time they act like they dont see a thing...  so here I sit in my room with all my pets.. what am suppose to do? I love my niece.. I love my nephews(her kids) but I HATE what she lets them get away with , with my pets who are the same as babies to me...they also have been allowed to run with food, drink, dirty hands and feet all over my house.. sad thing is she knows my rules and how I feel about all of this .. we have done daycare together in my home.. so I have told her the rules before.. matter fact I tell the boys in front of her to get to the taBLE WITH THEIR FOOD AND THAT they are not allowed to eat anywhere else.. and before anyone says I don't understand kids and only animals .. I have an 18 & 15 yo daughters and a 13 yo son and I disiplined mine when they was young... and didnt have these problems...... these kids are only truly punished when momma is stressed or having a hard day... anyone else see that as inconsistant discipline?what can I say? what can I do? I love them.. but I love my home.. I love my pets...

Has any had experience with high "matching" fundraisers?   The kids fill out a questionaire related to personal preferences and dating attitudes.  Then they send the information - including each child's name and birthdate in to the company.  The company matches the kids in several areas and sends a report for each child. Then the school sells it to the student.  Basically the school sells your childs name to other students, and all without parental consent.  At least at our school parental consent was not required, and the parent were not informed.  How would it feel if the drug dealer in your hgh school ended up with your child's name on their list?  You have no control of who gets your name on their list.  Then they post a top ten in your school. Top ten in your grade at the school.   Also there is a corresponding eflurtz where a student can go to get the next 50 matches.  Then the organization has your child' name, his birthdate, and email.  Does anyone else think as a parent I have reason for concern?  Supposedly it has gone on in this high school for three years w/out compalints.

Well. it's your hime and now that you are home to see what is going on, I would be putting a stop to it, have a family meeting meaning every one who lives in the home comes together and you start laying down the boundaries/rules and they are expected to be followed......chances are you are goingt o make the mom upset but that is life, your home, your rules and that needs to be respected.

My husband has a good friend whose 5 year old son is really bad.  When this child comes to  my home he lets himself in and out of the house. Runs through every room in the house, including the bedrooms, pulls out all of our dvds, goes through all our cabinets and opens our refridgerator and freezer. Then he goes as far as to scream in my face "gimme icecream" or whatever else he wants from out of the kitchen. I've had to ask him myself not to hang on our refridgerator door or climb on top of our couches.  his mother calmly asks him to come and sit next to her, mind you he doesnt listen. So then his mother asks his father to step in and say something. Father's response is "What do you want me to say?" Fired up from the events occuring around me I blurt out, " tell him to behave and not to get into other peoples things!" After saying that I realize that I probly should have saved that comment for a private disscusion without the child around, then i look up at my husband who is piercing me with his eyeballs and figure I'm really gonna hear it over this one! Which I did, my husband said it's not my place to tell him how to raise his child and that kids will be kids, so just keep my mouth shut! I later appologized. Weeks have passed and yesterday my husbands friend returned with his family.  As soon as the boy walked into the house he jetted through the livingroom towards our computer but his mother stopped him this time. Minutes later he went up to our dvd stand which on top had a glass hurricane with a lit candle in the inside.  As he started shuffling through the dvds I seemed to be the only one aware of what was going on and in a panic I said "Hey dont do that, you might knock it over,  Its my fault for putting the candle up there,  just play with that!" Silence once again, they eventually leave and guess who is in trouble again!  This time my husband says I'm a rude person and he's just a kid. I dont think it gives him the right to tear through my house!! I would never allow my children to act in such a way. Is it me, do I deserve to be called rude????

Sorry had a typo, ment to say ".... its my fault for putting the candle up there, just dont play with that"

dear dr phil, 

  

i am a 40 yr old mother of 4. 2 of wich are grown and gone. i then have 2 step sons 13 and 10.things have improved a great deal since comming to live with them 2 years ago. they will now eat some of the things i cook , and they do mind pretty good when dad is not around..when dad is around however eveything changes. both parent overindulge these kids, they don't want the kids to like the other parent more so they pretty much get to do most of what ever they want to. the older one most, he comes and goes as he pleases. i TRY to enforce cerfuse,& boundries, asking first, it doesn't always work because dad doesn't see these things as that important. he also spends most times on the computer or sprawled out on the couch  controlling the telivision, he allows him to watch things that i don't feel is apropriate. i have made a few coments before but am tring to learn to pick my battles..my kids have to do chores and help around the house, his are getting alittle better atleast the little one, the big one will eather ignor the requests or get extreamly angry if his made to participate but is still rewarded as  if he had done the work..infact he gets a bigger treat than the other kids....his father is worried that he is unhappy with him and may want to be with his mom so he giv es in to him all the time. he smarted off the otherday to his dad, and dad said no computer but then kissed up to him 10 min later he was right back on the computer like nothing ever happend. when i say something to dad he gets mad at me... i am only tring to help, i see big problems developing for the kids later in life..they think everyhting comes easy and have no respect or apriciation for anyone ore anything especially their parents...very smart mouthed and rude,,  

It doesn't look like you're getting anywhere but deeper.  Time for both of you to speak with a professional.  Otherwise you both might find yourselves bailing the kids out of jail.

This kid sounds like a terror! And, no- you are not rude, the kid's parents are rude for allowing him to disrespect your home. It just amazes me that these parents can't, or won't, dicipline their kid. If their intention is to raise a child into an adult with no manners and who's life is full of dissapointment, well, they are on their way to success. I find it very disturbing that your husband doesn't care if this child tears up your home... thats very, very odd. He thinks that because 'hes just a child' that its okay for him to distroy things? Thats totally backwards thinking.  

There is nothing wrong with having clear rules within your home!! Nothing wrong with it at all, and it doesn't make you rude! All I can think is that these people can't be that good of friends if they don't care or have respect for your personal items. They are not doing their child any favors by not giving him guidelines to live by, since they won't, its your home and its up to you to do it. Once you tell this kid what the rules are, I bet your home is the only place he will behave himself!! Sometimes parents don't have a backbone, but kids will respect others who do.