Topic : My Friend/Relative Won't Discipline!

Another FYI:  You sound like you don't like these parents.  I really don't believe it was up to you to diagnose their child with autism.  I'm certain they and their pediatrian would or will determine that if it is the case.  It certainly is not your place to even suggest it.  I understand your concern about them sleeping and the 18 month old running free.  I am certain that you haven't seen it happen and what ever information you have you've gotten from the parents and have expanded on the rest.  If you TRUELY believe what you've accused the parents of (neglect) it is your responsibility to report it BEFORE something happens.  It would be much more productive to do that then just write about them on this message board.  About the Autism, children all develop at different rates in different areas.  I don't believe most 18 month olds are able to climb up on the sink and turn on the water alone.  My 25 month old can't do that all on her own.  Not that she hasn't tried because she has.  Anyway, from the tone of your message it seems to me that you look down on these parents and are judgemental.  I do not know you nor if that is the truth but maybe that's the vive they are getting from you as well.  I do not believe it is a good idea for you to go around talking about them with family, friends, etc...  If you really believe the child is in danger, call HRS.   If not, leave them alone.

I am sure that you have discussed the children's behavior with your sister.  She can either listen to you and take your advice or not.  That is 100% up to her as the parent.  You can choose to distance yourself if they don't live up to your expectation.  While reading your message I have to tell you I feel that you really dislike your neice and nephew (especially your nephew).  Or maybe resent that fact that your sister is not taking your advice and parenting the way YOU would like her too.  I sure hope you two work out your relationship without putting the kids in the middle.

 if she is really close to you then why not ask her why here child acts like an animal for instance my 2 year old who is currently learning about animals became attached to cats and dogs and he knows how they act so once in a while he starts barking and crawling like a dog or meowing like a cat its imbarrasing enough then try to get a child to stop that behavior in public is even more embarassing however I do stop it right away becuase I do not want him acting like that anywhere inless it is for play which he shouldnt never be playing like that neither but I was asked and as a mother I rather be asked then be told something bothers someone else just ask her and when her child interupts a conversation take the ignititive and say honey me and you mom are talking right this second let me talk to her really fast and then I will talk to you it might not stop her but hey its a nice way to tell her not to interupt you to talking and she will also get attention in a minute just dont make it to long of a minute becuase children like to talk alot but taking turns is important these are my ideas if it bothers you that bad about the animal thing ask her mother or even herself she may have an answer and depending how old she is suggest she act like a little girl during the time your in a place thats what I tell my little man but every child and every mother is different but if your close and it bothers you ask her dont tell her it bothers you becuase if it did bother you that bad you wouldnt still come around that often in my opinion that is. hope maybe that helped for an idea or so

I have two dear friends, that reciently moved closer to me because they prefer the layed back lifestyle, the area I live in, portrays.  They have a six year old boy and now they have (three weeks ago) brought into this world a gorgeous little baby girl.  

A few months ago their young boy was diagnosed with ADHD and was put onto medication.  This seemed to be working great, even his teachers at school noticed a marked improvement on not only his behaviour, but his ability to concentrate on his work.   

He has always been an abusive child, ignoring his parents when they ask him to put his things away or put his pyjamas on after dinner, even going as far as hitting his mother.  I know they only have themselves to blame for this as i have watched them threaten to spank him or take something he wants away, if he doesnt do what they ask, only to not follow through with their threats.  

The problem is that he has reverted back to the behaviour he had before the medication, since his sister was born.  He is showing definate signs of real jelousy for the baby, and i am afraid he might hurt her in some way physiacally.   

The father in the equasion has asked me "help me out here.. please" and i have replied with "you wouldnt agree with my help.. so i wont try"!  

Am i wrong in doing this, as i know that my help would be full on disipline with spanking and time out in his room alone, all of which neither of the parents of the children would agree too?  

I feel if i act, it may be to the detrement of the friendship i have, but if i dont, this child will get worse and worse.    

Do i put my friendship on the line here and tell them exactly where things are going wrong, from an outsiders view, knowing i will shunned for doing so and knowing that if i ruin the friendship in speaking out they will only go on disiplining their children the way they are now anyways, or do i let them go on doing what they feel is right for thier children?  

It has got to a point where i do not even want to visit their home and find as many excuses as i can not to go over when i am invited to.   

I do not want the friendship to go on like this but feel i dont have many options left for me!  

   

I am engaged to a wonderful man who has full custody of his two boys.  I love them all and couldn't see life without them.  There mother on the other hand I could do without.  She left he boys when they were 3and 6.  She sent the 8 year old home with an M&M CD and last time the kids were over there(on her every other weekend) Their youngest son who is now 7 and the oldest who is now 10 watched the movie SAW!!! (and other explicit unrated films)  My problem has been that every time they go to her house they get whatever they want and come home and I have to put them in a "detox" type of program for at least 3 days.  Dad on the other hand is the type that "whatever's easiest" in his mind seems to work.  I guess I just don't see anything easy about raising kids.  And there not even my biological children (in my heart I love them as if they were my own).  I always feel like the "bad guy" and I am consistently telling my fiance to step up to the plate.  Don't get me wrong he is a wonderful father and boyfriend, but there is no discipline, unless it is coming from me, or if he hears me telling them no and they are challenging me then he might step in. Sometimes I wonder if the kids are going to get older and have no respect for any of us, and were all going to get the old FU out of a teenager.  This relationship from every perspective is lacking in communication, discipline, and respect.  My moto is that every person in there lifetime is going to have possibly thousands of friends,  But only one mom and dad.  Raise them first and then be there friend!!!

I am engaged to a wonderful man who has full custody of his two boys.  I love them all and couldn't see life without them.  There mother on the other hand I could do without.  She left he boys when they were 3and 6.  She sent the 8 year old home with an M&M CD and last time the kids were over there(on her every other weekend) Their youngest son who is now 7 and the oldest who is now 10 watched the movie SAW!!! (and other explicit unrated films)  My problem has been that every time they go to her house they get whatever they want and come home and I have to put them in a "detox" type of program for at least 3 days.  Dad on the other hand is the type that "whatever's easiest" in his mind seems to work.  I guess I just don't see anything easy about raising kids.  And there not even my biological children (in my heart I love them as if they were my own).  I always feel like the "bad guy" and I am consistently telling my fiance to step up to the plate.  Don't get me wrong he is a wonderful father and boyfriend, but there is no discipline, unless it is coming from me, or if he hears me telling them no and they are challenging me then he might step in. Sometimes I wonder if the kids are going to get older and have no respect for any of us, and were all going to get the old FU out of a teenager.  These relationships, from every perspective is lacking in communication, discipline, respect and most of all consistency.  My moto is that every person in there lifetime is going to have possibly thousands of friends,  But only one mom and dad.  Raise them first and then be there friend!!!

  . I have  a 12  yr old stepson who is defiant  towards his mother and I . He is also verbally and physically abusive towards his 16 year old sister.
 Recently he has gotten himself into legal trouble sneaking out of our home after my wife and I retired for the evening.  (I have been married to her over a year now and been with her almost 2 years).Needless to say he is now on probation for 1 yr.  He has  been ordered to pay in excess of $800.00 restitution for his acts. (Criminal Mischief) He also has to do 50 hours of community service. Not to mention he also has problems at school. And at times a bully. He has had numerous detentions, and suspended ( In school suspension). Also heaved off his school  bus for numerous acts of which he always has excuses for.
 We have been in family counselling even prior to his acts due to the fact he has attacked his sister, gone after her with knives , has  obssesions with knives and fire.  He defies most any directive we give him when he is in his mode. 
  His Mom indicated to me before we married the children can be a handful and stated her son has been a big problem for at least 5-6 years now. She also stated all she ever needed was support from her spouse and never got it from her ex.
  The counselling has not seemed to help much. He is a little better but still very defiant , mouthy and extremely angry at times. I have been very supportive of my wife and the children. I look at both of these kids as if they were my own. I also have 2 young girls myself ages 6 & 4.
   He had a court ordered evaluation . His phycologist  told my wife right after his testing that day he  has several areas of extreme anger. We are still awaiting the complete report.
  In the interum the counselling has continued with not much success. The hitting , abusive mouth, and defiance has also continued. He has a set of rules ordered by the court that if he violated he is to be reported to the police. I have not done that out of respect and caring for my wife and she just won't do it.  I have called his father and asked for help. These violations have occured at least 10 times in 3 months.
  My first mistake as I see it now was not calling the police .Enabling him. Eventaully in the long run it will all catch up with him.  . The help I got and she got was nil from her ex it is all about child support to him. . She ( my wife) also looks for every excuse in the book to excuse his behaviour saying she wants the full story and his sister can egg him on. Yes true at time but the abuse and the physical hitting  has to stop. He is not much better.
   I finally this past week spoke to his probation officer as he comes to the home weekly asking how my stepson has been doing. I  reported all the violations to him and told him I had been covering up for this kid. The very next day after this he hit my stepdaughter again. I was not home to witness this or I would have reported it. Again Mom talks to him and the daughter and gets 2 different stories but this time my stepdaughter had a 6 inch scratch down her neck. It is obvious to me what happened here. She is ready to leave and go live elsewhere.
  Ok, now  I am at my wits end. My wife covers up for him, refuses to report him , wants to make every excuse or look for ways out blaming  both the kids. The bottom line is he is ordered to refrain for hitting anyone, he is to behave us which he does not and I have had enough of these actions going on in our home.
  I told my wife today it has to stop, I am on the verge of leaving for a while for my own sanity and before i finally lose it, I do not  want a divorce , and   I am at my wits end here. My advice to her and I love this kid and will do anything to see him well is a military school, boot camp , along with therapy. I am willing to sell our home, do whatever it takes to help this kid. I think that is a stepdad that is willing. One that loves my wife and my blended family. He is 12 years old and headed down the wrong road and she just can't bring herself to really see it. Although if you talked to her it would be a totally different story. She says I am to hard. I do not believe hitting and verbal abuse should be tolerate in any atmosphere.
  I love this woman dearly, I feel she is my soulmate . All of this has caused extreme stress upon our marriage. I am willing to go to  any length to see this kid is ok. I only wish my wife could see that.  I wish my wife could really see the love I have for her and the kids. Instead whe i get upset and rightfully so i am to blame. I get told i need to chill.  

I know where you are coming from.  I have two step kids, they have been with me since they were very young, I started dating my husband and one was 3 and one was 1 1/2.,  they are now 15 and 12.  they have lived with us full time for the last 9 years.  we also have 2 other kids together.  Every time I would take them to visit their biological mom ( icall her cause she definitely had no part raising them) I have an awful time when they come back.  Actually at this point, only my 12 year odl son goes to visit, my daughter doesn't have time for her.  it is like you said, anything goes, they just want to make sure they have fun, no disipline nothing.  I always feel like the bad guy.  But after this many years, I know see they don't really have much respect for you, and you will see it soon as well, give it some time, stick it out and be the best mom you can be for them.  It is hard, being a stepparent you have alot of insecurities, I know, but in the end, they will look to you and know they can count on you for alot more than just fun, thats the way I look at it. 

 

I am very concerned about my grandson who is 4 years old. For the past 9 months we have watched his mother and how she treats him. This past Wednesday we kept him overnight and when I was helping him to brush his teeth I noticed a red mark under his eye..I asked what happened and he told me his mother hit him because he was "bad". I gave him a hug and told him I was sorry. Last week my husband went to thier house and when he was in the rest room he heard our grandson and his mother, she was yelling at him and calling him a "brat", he was saying "don't hit me, don't hit me"..I have heard her call him a " little bast***", " I hate you", "brat" and more.  I know she locked him outside this summer to keep him from running in and out, and members of my family have driven by his house and seen him outside unsupervised. I see brusies on him and she says he is clummsy, the last bruise was big and over one side of his chest. HIs mother is not very smart, only went to like the 7th grade and has cronic health problems. We have been trying to help with ideas and other ways to dispiline him and set a good example .My husband and I both talked to our grandsons father  yesterday, who lives with his wife, we told him the we think our grandson should stay with us when he is at work because we are worried about our grandsons life, that she may hurt him and not even mean to but our of anger. I told him that she had got to get help, parenting classes or counseling or child protective services needs to intervien,. at first he agreed but then yesterday he said that we should let him handle it. We have been and its not getting better, he just says she won't agree to counsleing.  He essentaily told us to shut up and mind our own business!  My husband said that we can't watch our grandson and do nothing so we won't babysit for them any more. I am worried about my grandson and my family. My huband and I got into a big fight because now he thinks his children all hate him becasue I am forcing the issue.  I was a nurse for almost 20 years and have seen child abuse and I know this mother needs help or its going to get worse. I am not worried about the adults, they can protect themselves but a 4 year old cant! I feel like I am the only one who is worried about the grandbaby is all this and I am concerned and angry.

You have to intervene and get this child help. This is the problem with this country, people don't want to get involved so they the let issues go or whatever. Get him help and if that means calling children's services then do it, something needs to be done for the sake of this child. All children deserve love and respect, if this mother is not willing to admit that she has a problem and seek help then she doesn't need to have this child in her home.