Topic : My Friend/Relative Won't Discipline!

 

I have a sister that has twins, boy and girl. They are 19 months old and are terrors!! They scream to the top of their lungs, they bite each other, they bite their Mom, they are always into EVERYTHING!! They do not travel 2 hours in a car without screaming the whole way cuz they want their mommy to hold them, or take them out of their car seats. She tells them no, no, no because they are into everything, they don't listen. She tries to redirect them, but they come right back to what they aren't supposed to do. I don't know what to say to her, because I never let my children act this way, and I don't want to hurt her feelings, but her kids are brats, and I don't want to be around them because it just makes me want to discipline them myself, and I need to let her be the mommy she thinks she needs to be for her children. Any thoughts?

Dear sister,I'm glad you are thinking of your sister,she does need Help!!Were is DAD,any other family to help her?Can she enroll the kids in part-time daycare or preschool where their is descipline.Has she asked her doctor for suggestions,tryed the time out or went to parent classes.Ask her if she needs help with them and be honest how you feel about them,i'm sure you love them and want the best for them all,she is in great need of someone helping her,she problemly has'nt much sleep or anything else for her self for that mannner,be up front with her and tell you are their for her or find some info for her to read that my help.Hope something help,at this age they are smarter then people think!!!

My friends child hits, kicks, and throws things at other children. When confronted he lies and says he did not do it.  His parents always believe him no matter what the other child says or how hurt they are. The father will argue with the other children telling them he did no such thing that they are wrong. My friend is now mad at me for telling her child he should not kick other children, after he kicked a child and she did nothing but said don't go by him. How do you deal with parents who do not discipline their children?  Would it be wrong to end the relationship between the children and Her?

I would welcome any pointers.

 

My sister and I also have agreed upon how "we" should parent all of our children.  When I am her house, she helps me with mine.  When she is at my house, I help her with hers.  We are a united front.  It's like our kids have two Moms.

 

Because I love my sis dearly and there is nothing we haven't shared, I would trust her enough to tell her that she is making a BIG mistake by not setting limits for her own kids.  If she lets them get away with murder NOW while they are young and relatively controllable, ask her if she can imagine how they will behave 5/10/15 years from now?  I would be gentle in the way that I tell her but I would also CARE ENOUGH to be truthful even when it hurts.

 

Q

It depends on how good of a friend this friend is.  If it is a relationship that can stand some distance, then may that's the right thing.  But if this is good friend, I'd be sitting down one-on-one with a serious, but gentle/caring conversation.

 

But if it so happens that my friend and his/her children are in MY home and the abuse is being perpetrated on my children, I would have ZERO problem with instituting some justice, or asking the parent to step or asking them to leave.

 

Hitting, biting, kicking, throwing are WRONG.  It's just that simple.

 

I firmly believe that children need limits and NEED to be SOCIALIZED otherwise guess what we get, when they grow up?  Anti-social/abusers.

 

No, it would not be wrong to end the relationship if she simply doesn't get it.

 

Q

I have a "friend who cusses and yells to disipline her kids. and Mine too when she's there (not any more w/o me I might add) NAd I watch her kids 3-4 days a week for hrs and hrs. no pay and the kids do not respond to any reasoning but yelling. MY child has never been disiplined this way and it scares her. the children I watch have broken severall things in my home as wellas coloring on walls and furniture. How can I nicely explain that I don't want to watch them anymore and that she needs to find a different method of disipline because this just isn't working. I have lost hair and startedsmoking more when Im trying to quit from all the stress of stying on top of HER kids.

THis is not a "friend".... this is a person who is using you! 

  

You are looking for a "nice" way to tell her that you can't watch her children any longer... I don't know if thats possible!! By having her children in your home, you are traumatizing/scaring your own children, you are having your property vandalized and items broken, and you are stressed out which causes you to smoke too much and lose your hair. There is only one person who is getting anything good out of this situation, and that is your "friend"...if she was any kind of friend, she would see what this is doing to you, and your children, and your property- and she would either change the situation or atleast change her own ways of dealing with her kids. But I think she is a self centered manipulative person who doesn't care how this is effecting you as long as she has free child care.  

  

These kids deserve better. You can't change their lives, its not up to you, its up to their mother. What you need to do is tell her that you can't take care of her children any longer because its interfering with your own family too much. Don't feel bad or guilty about it, either-- you are doing the right thing for yourself and for your children. This woman's problems are being brought on by herself. Its sad, but you shouldn't have to suffer because of it. 

All of the children over the years I dealt with, who were disciplined by spanking behaved  

like the people's above. I found it made permanent wild children. The parents would criticize  

others for having better sense while theirs became meaner and they would blame their behavior    

on treating them to well, to protect violence's reputation. So I don't assume children are treated  

nonviolently if they misbehave.  

Discipling children is important but a lot are ruined by people hitting them and making   

relentless out of control ones, that they ignore because they haven't any control left.  

I know many who stuffed it to others and drugged theirs later over three generations.   

The rougher treated the more unmanagable they became. It does mean you don't control  

them but I don't always assume it is treating to well.  

you need to meet my children.  They've been spanked but they're not wild. They're normal, well behaved but certainly with their moments children.   

  

spanking isn't violence but I'm not sure there is any point in going there.