Topic : My Friend/Relative Won't Discipline!

Hi All,

I have a friend 'Lizzy' and we've been fairly close for a number of years. She loves calling a spade a spade and can be very meticulous in voicing her opinion, but in general is enjoyable company.

I have a  little girl 3 1/2, 'Megan', and 'Lizzy' has a little girl, same age 'Zoe'.

We get together about once or twice a month and spend 2-5 hours together. The girls have just begun to play together and so we get to relax a bit. (before that it was more like bickering and snatching toys away, regular toddler stuff)

Anyway, we were at a dinner party at a mutual friend's place and the girls were playing together. I was mingling with the guests when I heard Lizzy's insistent voice 'NO PUSHING'. I turned around hastily and found my little girl looking at me absolutely horrified and chin wobbly trying to make her way towards me. I said 'What happened?' And my friend continued 'NO pushing, Megan!, its not nice to push' Her tone was very cutting and totally inappropriate to what might have happened.

I put my arms out to console my daughter and tears were just spilling over her trying to speak 'mommy, i'm sorry, i didnt....it was a mistake'

And again Lizzy's loud, insistent voice 'SHE DID, I SAW HER WITH MY OWN EYES'

'I didnt Mommy'

SHE DID, DONT DENY IT, I SAW YOU DO IT.

At this point, I honestly didnt care about what happened, my maternal instinct took over and I scooped up my child who was at this point flooded with tears and beyond any consoling and I hushed her and soothed her.

Lizzy said to me again 'SHE pushed ZOE'

I ignored Lizzy and cradled my daughter and kissed her to stop her from crying and said 'Even if someone pushed you, baby, you're not supposed to push back'

I wasnt trying to be ignorant, just trying to say consoling things and to get control of the situation.

Megan whimpered 'Mommy, i;m sorry i didnt mean to it was an accident'

so i said 'dont cry baby i believe you'

well, didnt the s*** just hit the roof.

Lizzy says to me, 'you believe HER? You didnt see what she did. Zoe DIDNT DO anything to her'

So I said as calmly as i could 'what happened?'

turns out the kids were playing and apparently my child shoved her child aside with her elbow as Zoe was trying to climb on to Megan's chair.

I dont usually let my child get away with bad behaviour, but I didnt think that the punishment fit the crime and also everyone was watching at this point, so i just hushed up my child, and didnt comment on it.

Now my friend isnt speaking to me because she thinks that i took my child's word over hers.

I want to approach her but knowing the way she is, she wont back down and admit that she was bullying a little girl.

I mean there are ways to get kids to stop doing what they should be doing.

But humiliating a child and being very insistent and loud is a bad way to do it.

I am in a dilemma as to how to handle it.

any suggestions??

Also, I know my child may have been guilty about shoving her child, but I honestly think sometimes that children do things to each other and i dont think adults should get involved to such a degree. it was a nasty atmosphere not corrective.

 

 

My child is one of the least aggressive children in the playgroup. We have been in this playgroup since she was 6 months old. I have had to deal with her crying when other kids pushed, snatched, grabbed, etc toys away from her. I have not had a problem with other children, but usually pick up my child and remove her from the offence etc.

The one time my child shoved another child, all hell broke loose and i had one of the other parents telling my child in a loud offensive manner that that behaviour was unacceptable. My child is only 3 1/2. I removed her from the offensive scene again, but am incensed that adults can use the opportunity to discipline other peoples kids instead of understanding that kids will be kids and to get into the fray is just stupid.

The only corrective action I have used todate is to remind an offending child (including my own) that 'we dont kick or hit'

And I do so in an even, non-accusatory tone.

I will sometimes draw the attention of the parent to the situation and leave each child's discipling up to their own parent.

I dont feel like being around this playgroup any more.

 

My advice is to do nothing about this “friend.” She totally over-reacted, as an adult, she should have the tools to put herself in your place and understand why you reacted in the way that you did. But, because she believes that she is always right, she can’t, or rather, she won’t, do that. This isn’t a friend. Consider yourself lucky that you are free from this oppressive friendship! Remember that you are the strongest female role model that your child will ever have, you teach her everyday with your actions what is ‘normal.’ If you accepted this ‘friend’ back into your life by groveling, your child will learn that it is okay to allow people to treat you badly so that they will be your friend. As a parent, I know that you want your child to have better then you’ve had, and that means you’ve got to be the best role model for her that you can. Being a parent bring many changes in life, outgrowing a friendship is one of those changes. I wish you the best.

I agree with the other poster...seriously! What is the matter with your "friend"? She has nothing else to do but get wrapped up in a toddler fight? My kid and her cousin do this crap all the time. I am not going to sit there and keep count of who did what. They either play nice or get sent away from each other until they CAN play nice.

What an over reacting drama queen your friend is! Not to mention it was not her place to discipline YOUR kid. I would NEVER do that. If I saw another kid hurt my daughter, or push her or something I might say something to prevent a real injury, but kids playing around is like bear cubs wrestling...they will learn on their own what hurts and what doesn't.

You just made me re-think. i was going to call my friend today. its been over a week and she hasnt called me.

my child is honestly a regular child. i love her to death and think the world of her but in honest truth, which parent doesnt??

she is also a good child and when i said to her 'i believe you' i meant i believed that she was sorry when she said it was a mistake.

not that i believed her word over my friends.

i just tried to get a hold of the situation and control an out of control climate.

like you said no one should keep a track of who did what and bring about hell because of it.

anyway, maybe i'll just wait and see how this comes out.

the last thing i want to do is be childish and hold grudges. but i wont grovel.

thanks again

thank you for taking the time to reply to my message.

as you can see i was bothered enough to use this space to both vent and to let others comment on the situation.

i do see your point.

every parent tries to be fair to their child.

i have had an occasion when my child was a toddler and this same other child pushed her on the stairs so that she tumbled 5 stairs to the ground.

and i never berated the child, rather, i reacted similar to the way i acted this time.

i hushed up my child, put the other parent in the picture and dis-allowed her to yell at her child because they were both toddlers and it was a mistake.

at some point if this friendship were to resume, maybe i should bring THAT up and let her recollection kick in.

or maybe i should just vent here and then move on FOREVER.

thanks so much for helping me be the bigger person.

thank you for taking the time to voice your opinion.

 

 

I think the bottom line is she needs to leave the parenting of your child up to YOU. Even if she feels that something wasn't right, for her to behave that way, causing fear and confusion in YOUR child is beyond childish.

I feel bad for most toddlers...I don't think MOST adults TRY to really get where they are coming from. Sometimes, when they try to explain themselves they have a very hard time, because they know very few words to explain complex emotions. Like you said, your daughter was just trying to be sorry, trying show she meant to harm in the first place.

In all honesty...I cannot believe your friend let a little spat between TODDLERS get her that upset.

Good luck...LOL...I don't know what I would do if I were you, the only thing I know for SURE is that she'd hear me say, "I parent my child, not you. You will not tell me what to do and you will not scare my child like that again."

My condensed parenting experience and some advice:   

 

I raised four boys as a single parent/mother for over 18 + years and if one of my boy ever hit or slapped me, he'd be missing a hand or just be missing all together!  Two of my boys were "never" spanked and the other two, had to be spanked if they didn't obey. Basically, two of them needed consistent discipline, which included spanking and some yelling and the other two, didn't!  They all grew up very sweet and successful.  And, they do not beat their children, nor do they hit their wives or girlfriends.  Three of them have "never" once tried drugs, nor do they drink alcohol.  When one of my sons (one of them that I had to spank) started to try and rule the house... I handed him the phone number to Child Protective Services and told him to please call them and have them take him away because I needed a break!  He immediately changed his behavior.  He could be very argumentative at times; plus, he thought he knew it all and "yes" it was tiring, but I stayed consistent with my parenting techniques and I never gave up, no matter how tired I was and believe me... I was tired!  Even though money was tight because of the lack of "any" child support whatsoever, I knew that my children needed me more than anything, so I only worked from 8:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m.,  which also mean missing lunch, just so I could pick them up everyday from school.  We bought everything at thrift stores and we rarely ate out or went anywhere that cost money, yet we still managed to have fun.  They only received one present for Christmas, which I usually bought at the thrift store and for their birthdays, I made them a homemade cake because I couldn't afford anything else. I knew they deserved and wanted more, but it just wasn't possible!  And, they knew, that I was doing all I could do.  I also made a sincere effort to get them involved in things that they enjoyed doing or learning.  In the car,  we always played a  trivia game that was designed to play in a car, which was really fun and it made them incredibly smart; plus, it was competitive, all of which provided some awesome quality time! I'm not going to say that everything was perfect, because it wasn't and my 2nd oldest son... tested me to the max!  My sons, never saw their father and it was really tough dealing with them 7 days a week for the last 30 years...but I did it!  Well, almost!  My youngest, is still living at home and he's doing really well in college. I'm still broke and money is still tight, but that's life!  At least for me.  When my sons were younger, I was exhausted nearly all of the time; however, I didn't complain about it, nor did I ever cry in their presence.  I didn't want them to see a week mother, because I wanted them to know... that I was the boss!  And, really.... bosses don't cry or complain!  Also, I was never their friend, which is a huge mistake a lot of parents make.  I played the role of a father, when necessary, which included throwing footballs and playing catch.  It's very important to "always" be a good role model.  That means, not letting your kids see you drink alcohol, be drunk or do anything stupid.  I wanted to have a beer once in a while, but just didn't!  Their father was a severe alcoholic and I didn't want to disappoint them. Even drinking just one beer, would have upset them.  That was tough, but it paid off... big time!   Also, I knew where my kids were, every minute of the day and also, who was with them!  

 

I noticed, that all of the parents on Brat Camp, are totally out of shape!  Even though I was a very busy mom, I still "made" time to maintain a healthy shape, mainly because I had to, in order to keep up with my kids.  If you're not taking care of yourself... really, how can you expect to take care of anyone else? Parenting is really tough job and you need to be in decent shape in order to do a good job!  Even, if your kids are good and no matter how strict you may be.  Parenting is a "never" ending job and even though I can look back and say that I did a great job and that have awesome kids who are now young men... I'm still going to raise dogs in my next life!  And, only one at a time!   

Take care,

KMacky  

It is my stance that if I am any where with my child, and my child misbehaves, my friends have to talk to me, not my child, about the situation so I can handle it.  When your friend has had a chance to cool down, you might want to ask the same of her.  I will not allow people to "discipline" my child when I am available to handle it.  That is my responsibility, not theirs.

This message board needs a topic on grandparenting.

 

My stepson and his wife tried for years to have children.  They spent lots of money on doctors and procedures and finally gave up and decided to adopt.  Well you probably know what happened next.  At the age of 40 they got pregnant and now have a healthy 4 1/2 year old boy.

 

The problem, as my husband and I see it, is that our grandson is now the 'head' of that household.  They treat him like he is a grown-up, an equal. He has no boundaries, no limits. He holds all the power. If they ask him to do something and he decides he doesn't want to do it, they do it for him.  If he hits or kicks the dog they just ignore it unless we are there.  We do not tolerate cruetly in any form and are quick to admonish him. He occassionally spends time with us, sans parents. Until recently we have had no trouble with him obeying the rules in our house when they are not around.  Now however he is lying and disobeying at every turn.

 

The question nagging us is, is this a phase or has his parents lack of disciline finally created a monster?  And more importantly should we make our opinions known to his parents or not.  We do not want to cause a rift in the family.  We want to continue spending time with him but not if we must constantly take on the role of parenting him.