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Topic : 08/15 "You're Not Hot Enough"

Number of Replies: 743
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, April 21, 2006, 10:19:03 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 04/26/06) If physical attraction gets you to the altar, what happens when your spouse turns ugly in your eyes? Michele says her husband, Carl, is embarrassed by her and looks disgusted whenever he sees her naked. Carl admits that if Michele looked this way when they met, he wouldn't have been attracted to her. What is causing Carl to feel this way? Can he look past the physical and reconnect with the woman he married? Then, Teri is newly married but asks her husband 20 times a day if she's hot enough. Why does Dr. Phil tell her she's playing with fire? And, Kenny wants his wife, Anita, to look hot, sexy and irresistible again, like she did when they got married seven years ago. Anita says Kenny tears her heart out when he tells her she will be beautiful when she loses weight. What's at the root of Anita's problem? Share your thoughts here.

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April 25, 2006, 11:12 pm CDT

I asked him

Quote From: purplepain

This might sound like a dumb question but have you just come out and asked him what's up?

I would just sit him down and as calmly as you can, just ask him directly "Why are you putting this pressure on me?"

But that's just me.

Maybe he wants you to feel as good as he does (he might be assuming that because he feels so much better that you will to, not taking into account that you don't feel as bad as he might have to begin with) and he thinks he's motivating you? Men can sometimes come off as very insenstive as we all know, but they think they are being helpful.

Some people get all excited about something and forget tact.
 I did ask him recently about the pressure on me.  He told me he has to give me "the rule" mostly to keep me healthy especially since he got out of the slump that he did (Although he's a bit obsessive about his workout).  Rule still applies.                     
 
April 25, 2006, 11:14 pm CDT

You are Beautifully and Wonderfully Made

God tells us that we are beautifully and wonderfully made.  That applies to each of us!  It saddens me to read that people take on the insecurities of another person causing them to question themselves.    

   

Over twenty years ago, and deeply in love, my boyfriend told me he would 'divorce' me if I gained more than five pounds.  At that time for my height, I was already under weight by twenty pounds.  Due to my youth, I had no trouble maintaining my weight, although I placed no stock in his threat.  I do not doubt he would have acted on that in time . . .  had I continued a relationship with him.  I severed our relationship and later married a man who to this day loves me unconditionally and my weight has fluctuated quite a bit during our marriage due to health issues.  The 'boyfriend' of the past has been married and divorced twice (so far) with one child with each woman.  I have heard that to this day he regrets losing me and that I was the best thing that ever happened to him.  Too bad.  Tough lesson to learn for some people.  It matters not how God chose to 'wrap you.' You are beautifully and wonderfully made and don't ever let anyone get away with telling you otherwise!!!  

 
April 25, 2006, 11:25 pm CDT

Thanks for reply.

Quote From: lapaiva

Your message broke my heart! It is really hard to keep weight off and it can be a daily struggle especially if you lack support which you definitely do.  I do not have any answers but you have my empathy. Of course if he drinks more then 2 drinks a day or goes to the gym more then 5 times a week he could fit the unhealthy standards of an alcoholic or have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder all grounds for unhealthy definitions and ultimatums. However, tit for tat is probably more funny then an effective marriage tool. 

Thanks for your reply.  He did tell me the rule is for keeping me healthy (Rule still applies, so if I get chubby, I have to work harder pretty much).  I have to be careful, otherwise he'll be buying my food (I eat good as it is- vegetarian, but still).  I am being treated for my hypothyroid (A recent diagnosis, it takes some weeks to get normal levels), but I have to be careful with that because I've seen what it can do to a person.   

   

As for his gym routine, it's 1-3 times a day for 5 days (half to full hour), then 2 hours during the weekend.  He keeps logs of everything he does, and emails his instructor alot (When I peek over his shoulder when he's on email , I see her name alot) and he tends to brag about his fitness routines.  He's far beyond 5 times a week.   

 
April 26, 2006, 12:53 am CDT

04/26 "You're Not Hot Enough"

Quote From: lillskr

It's ok   :).  Just wanted to make it clear I wasn't just a stereotype (I'm happy you didn't mean all people in this situation).  Not sure what's been going on in hubby's head, but I'm not even overweight and it's starting.  It just puts alot of extra pressure on me and I want him to be supportive again.
Oh honey, I read your other posts....I guess you can't really talk to him if you don't want him to even know you post here.

I am so sorry. What are you scared of if you talk to him? Did he really threaten to leave you?!? Omg...I am so sorry. That breaks my heart honey. I am very fat...and it depresses me. I look in the mirror and cry almost every day. I literally do. My husband has told me that it bothers him, but he worries about my health and he knows how sad it makes me. He sees how unhappy I am this fat and he feels for me. But he has never even once told me he loves me less because of it.  I have never felt a single moment of abandonment or pressure from him. I am lucky I guess.

Maybe you should talk to him at the Dr office with the Dr as a mediator kind of thing. So he gets facts from the Dr. My mother has thyroid disease and it's not easy. Her weight is under control, although she is bigger then she used to be. It takes a lot of hard work and she has to be very consistant with her meds.

I'm always here to talk to if you feel you can't talk to him...I know you don't know me but I don't want you to feel like you have no one to talk to.

But you need to find out why he is making your life so miserable, what are his motives. Maybe he needs help.
 
April 26, 2006, 2:52 am CDT

To all

I do not and never have understood the fascination with "hot."  It seems dumb to me.

I'll say YES some men do demand their wife be hot: They're dumb, at least in my eyes.

My problem is Dr. Phil could easily do a show on men treated as badly by their women because they no longer earn as much as the woman wants. Men who go off on disability are commonly divorced by their woman, VERY commonly.

The thing is NOT an "Evil men" thing. Too many women seem incapable of making that crucial distinction. This sexism is a crucial core fault in our society.

We're talking about a shallow people problem: shallow people, not evil men, not evil women, not evil anyone.
 
April 26, 2006, 3:50 am CDT

04/26 "You're Not Hot Enough"

I haven't seen the show yet but I just can't believe that these 2 husbands and the 1 wife think that marriage is based on looks.  I have gained 100lbs since my husband and I first met and while I am now in the gym everyday and my husband is proud of me for taking charge of my weight again he has told me that as long as I'm happy with how I look then he's happy.  He doesn't look the same since we met either, a little less hair a little more weight but to me he looks great and I wouldn't trade him in for anything, and I know he wouldn't trade me in.  It's more than looks that make a person attractive and these people need to realize that.
 
April 26, 2006, 3:51 am CDT

People like this are part of the problem

Quote From: wildwest63

i am tired of all the excuses overweight people use for their appearance and also why dr. phil doesn't place a copy of his own weight loss book right in their lap!  aging has very little to do with metabolism.  what slows down your metabolism is lack of activity, calorie burning and laziness.  you don't have to be a size 4 to be beautiful but far too many women get their man and then just quit trying to look good.  men are very visual and yes, they married you partly because of how you looked when you were dating.  women should take pride (not be prideful) in their looks.  i want to make my husband proud when we go somewhere.  i don't  want him to be ashamed or embarrassed of my looks so i try to take care of myself--eat good, exercise, etc. and consequently yes, he thinks i'm HOT.  quit making all the excuses--get off your duff, quit eating all the junk, and be healthy enough to live to run and play with your kids and live long enough to one day be a great, great, grandmother! you have ONE body--make and keep it healthy, strong and beautiful.
People like this are part of the problem. They lack information, but act as if they know it all, and then spew out cruel comments.  First of all it is a known fact that metabolism does slow down as you age.  Yes, it DOES slow down as you age!! So it gets harder and harder to maintain your weight and you have to really increase your exercise level to do it.  And to call people lazy is just plain mean.  How do you know what their circumstances are?  Maybe there are health issues.  Maybe it is a single mom who works long hours, then comes home to house chores, homework and a host of other things to be sone.  By the time everything that has to be done is completed, she is probably drop-dead-tired. Maybe you have time to pamper yourself but not everyone does. The world would be a much better place if people were kind and compassionate instead of cruel.  And by the way there is nothing pretty or "hot" about a mean person. 
 
April 26, 2006, 4:55 am CDT

Look who's talking!

Hey Carl & Kenny, 

  

I have one thing to say to the both of you, "BRAD PITT YOU'RE NOT!!!" 

  

You both should count yourselves lucky your WIVES MARRIED YOU! 

 
April 26, 2006, 5:25 am CDT

Won't watch the show

I try to watch the show DAILY, but this time I am going to run errands instead of watching since it's going to be a very SAD show....sad because it is going to show how stupid many Americans are (men and women) because they value the outside so much when the inside is what it is ALL about. Jesus didn't stand on a hillside in designer clothing, w/ a perfect body or even with a clean body and he surely didn't love and like just the beautiful. HE knew what is important and so should we! Shame on all of us who are superficial! 

  

I have been married 16+ years to a gorgeous, smart, ambitious man who puts God and family first! I have gained 110 lbs since we said "I do" and NOT ONCE has he ever said a word to me about that gain, other than a couple of times when health was discussed and he said he was worried about me. He always tells me I'm beautiful and his interest in sex has not decreased one bit. He's a true friend and lover. HE knows what's important in life and he has never (and will never) intentionally hurt my feelings. THAT IS WHAT LOVE IS ALL ABOUT!!! 

  

People get heavy for many reasons. I know I eat when I'm stressed and bored. Nobody can make me WANT to lose weight. I have to want it for myself. When I am mentally and emotionally ready to lose, I will lose. I don't have a disease (we're not born with obesity). I am fat because of the way I eat. But I am still as beautiful and smart today as I was 16 years ago. Lucky for me, my husband knows what's important and so do I. Too bad the rest of America wouldn't wake up and smarten up!!! 

  

I have a feeling some of your guests are going to be beautiful on the OUTSIDE ONLY!!! 

 
April 26, 2006, 6:02 am CDT

04/26 "You're Not Hot Enough"

Quote From: wildwest63

i am tired of all the excuses overweight people use for their appearance and also why dr. phil doesn't place a copy of his own weight loss book right in their lap!  aging has very little to do with metabolism.  what slows down your metabolism is lack of activity, calorie burning and laziness.  you don't have to be a size 4 to be beautiful but far too many women get their man and then just quit trying to look good.  men are very visual and yes, they married you partly because of how you looked when you were dating.  women should take pride (not be prideful) in their looks.  i want to make my husband proud when we go somewhere.  i don't  want him to be ashamed or embarrassed of my looks so i try to take care of myself--eat good, exercise, etc. and consequently yes, he thinks i'm HOT.  quit making all the excuses--get off your duff, quit eating all the junk, and be healthy enough to live to run and play with your kids and live long enough to one day be a great, great, grandmother! you have ONE body--make and keep it healthy, strong and beautiful.

This isn't true for everyone, and it's a nasty thing to say to people who really are having physical problems (I saw earlier comments about hypothyroidism and other imbalances, which really do cause intractable weight loss).  My mother's anti-rejection medications make her gain weight--she has to fight just to keep from gaining any more, never mind losing what she has.  There are a lot of different reasons. 

  

(And no, I'm not overweight, but I don't assume that everyone who is is lazy and eats dough-nuts all day.) 

  

Where do women FIND these jerks?  My dad would never say these things to my mother, my brother would never say them to his wife, and I wouldn't put up with a guy that said them to me (and I would seriously reconsider dating a guy whose family seemed to be looks-obsessed).  I'm sorry--I have a lot of other things to do besides preen in front of the mirror and think about what I can eat or not eat all day.  I try to take decent care of myself but anyone who expects me to look like a magazine ad all the time needs to grow up. 

 
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