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Topic : 07/18 Dr. Phil's Mooch Squad

Number of Replies: 191
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Created on : Friday, April 21, 2006, 10:25:27 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 04/28/06) Dr. Phil sends his Mooch Squad to round up some accused family freeloaders! Regina and Earl are beyond frustrated with their 22-year-old son, Derek, who has moved out and back home twice. Paying Derek's expenses and supporting him and his pets costs them over $2,100 a month! After sneaking out a window to escape the Mooch Squad, Derek begins an eight-hour negotiation with his parents. Does he eventually agree to sign Dr. Phil's behavioral agreement? Then, Adele says her 25-year-old son, Ryan, lives on her couch, demands that she cook dinner and serve it to him, lies to her, and has ruined her financially. Ryan admits he's the king of all moochers and says his blue eyes can mesmerize people into giving him what he wants. Can Dr. Phil convince these moochers to require more of themselves, or is it up to the parents to stop the handouts? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

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April 27, 2006, 5:44 am CDT

04/28 Dr. Phil's Mooch Squad

 My brother is a mooch and entitlement-minded brat. He does not live with my mom, but is living in the soon-to-be repossed house of my recently-deceased father. He thinks my parents "owe" him and is trying to get Mom to let him move in. She says no, but I am betting he will end up there anyway.

You know, I understand that no one wants to see their child in trouble, or living on the street. But, if you keep coddling them, bailing them out, and providing them free room and board, then you have no one to blame but yourself when they "won't" leave. Kick them out. Make them fly on their own. I have been on my own since 18. 
 
April 27, 2006, 4:40 pm CDT

family

Quote From: kyrosemom

 My brother is a mooch and entitlement-minded brat. He does not live with my mom, but is living in the soon-to-be repossed house of my recently-deceased father. He thinks my parents "owe" him and is trying to get Mom to let him move in. She says no, but I am betting he will end up there anyway.

You know, I understand that no one wants to see their child in trouble, or living on the street. But, if you keep coddling them, bailing them out, and providing them free room and board, then you have no one to blame but yourself when they "won't" leave. Kick them out. Make them fly on their own. I have been on my own since 18. 
what if your children have children? would you consider helping then,i have decided i will always have an open door policy to all my children regardless of their age.
 
April 27, 2006, 4:51 pm CDT

hello

i think that possibly ,the son is the way he is because of his parents,on the other hand my parents refused to help me. they knew i was struggling with two kids,and single! luckily things are better now. however i will never understand how some parents will literally bend over backwards for some kids,other parents will not. perhaps the sons are that way,because the parents are allowing them to. anybody responds let me know.
 
April 27, 2006, 4:58 pm CDT

04/28 Dr. Phil's Mooch Squad

Quote From: cheekynik

 I hear you. It frustrates me to no end.  Even though I love my stepson, (And I mean that), It is time that he grows up.  The saddest part of it all though, is that his father is to partly blame because he allows it to happen.  He keeps giving in to him, so he knows he can keep quiting his jobs.  I am not the perfect parent, but I just wouldn't put up with it from my kids.  My daughter is just turning 19 and she is attending college fulltime and has a fulltime evening job at a telephone marketing company.  I think she is working too many hours, personally.  She is going to burn out.  I told her that I think she should quit her job and just obtain a partime, evening job.  Then she will be able to focus more on her schoolwork, but she is somehow still averaging a 90 percent in her courses.  The only problem I have with my daughter, (but it is big enough), is her attitude.  I'm just glad that she is a hard worker.  What I find the hardest is that my fiance is doing the same thing with my daughter as what he did with his kids.  I am trying to teach my daughter not to borrow money off of me because she shouldn't have to.  So, she blows her paychecks (thankgod, not on drugs), on clothes, but then asks for money.  I won't give it to her, but my fiance does,  just to shut her up.  That's what happened with his boys.  I don't want my daughter getting used to mooching off of us.  How do I deal with that one??
IMO you should tell your husband to stop giving YOUR daughter money. She's your daughter and he should respect your wishes since he is your husband.

And then I would tell your daughter the news and say, before this gets out of control we are cutting the hand outs. Time to stand on your own two feet and it's for her own good.
 
April 27, 2006, 6:25 pm CDT

04/28 Dr. Phil's Mooch Squad

Quote From: roses1265

what if your children have children? would you consider helping then,i have decided i will always have an open door policy to all my children regardless of their age.
 You are missing the point. No one said that parents should NEVER do anything to help a child who is TRULY in need. I would never ever do that to anyone, who really, truly needed help.

However, you do not know my spoiled brat brother. He thinks that his paychecks are spending money and that he is "owed" a living. He is 32 years old and lost his children to the state because he was too selfish to care for them properly. He wore nice clothes and they were dirty and wore rags. He went without proper electric and heat for nearly 2 years, because he refused to pay his bills, and even blew HUGE tax refunds on stupid things.

I think that  a parent's responsibility is to do their best to raise independent, decent human beings. By always bailing them out, the kids learn nothing except that Mom and Dad "owe" them.

I have an 8, 7 and 1 yr old. All boys. We are raising them to work hard for what they have in life and how to take care of what they have. We are teaching them how to care for their things and how to take care of a house.. We are teaching them that money does not grow on trees and they will be learning how to save and balance a checkbook and how to pay bills. In other words, we plan to have ADULTS  once they are grown, not  selfish, whiny, entitlement-minded brats.

You do kids no favors by constantly helping and bailing out. What is the old saying, "Give  a man a fish, he eats for today. Teach a man to fish, and he eats for a lifetime." That is our goal.
 
April 28, 2006, 1:46 am CDT

Helping Grandchildren

Quote From: roses1265

what if your children have children? would you consider helping then,i have decided i will always have an open door policy to all my children regardless of their age.

I was in a store one day when a discussion arose about helping your children for the grandchildren's sake.  One lady said she helps the grandkids, but told the grown kids (the parents of the grandkids) they have to move on!  I had to agree with her.  I would help the grandkids, but the kids have to do their own thing.  

   

I do have 2 children with special needs. One graduated from a prestigious college with a double major and honors.  This child worked her way through school, living on her own for most of the college time.  (This was her choice, not ours.)  The only help she received from us was that we paid their BASIC phone bill so she would have access in the event of an emergency.  This was for safety's sake.  Now, if we could have helped out more, we would have, I am sure.  But, we were not financially able.  So, she child got scholarships, etc., and worked.  She does not have student loans to repay, either.  She worked and supported herself.  (She is VERY independent.)  

   

In contrast, we have another child who has still not grown up, although we are seeing signs htat he IS finally beginning to sprout his wings!  It has been a long, hard journey with this one.  Kicking him out and trying to help him has been a hard thing.  But, although he does have problems and needs professional help, help is available, and he refused to get the help.  So, our answer to that was, "If you won't get the help you need, then we can't help you, and you are not going to continue to wreak havoc and tension in our home.  So, either "shape up and do what you CAN do, or move on".  Well, he did get some professional help, meds, etc.  He did move out, and seems to be making plans to make the actual break this time.  Of course, as with so many with these kinds of problems, he will not take his needed meds on a regular basis.  But, that is him and he knows all who love him hold him accountable to that, and if he becomes out of control he is told that we will not accept that behavior when he KNOWS what to do about it.  

   

The other child is the father of the three beautiful granddaughters.  He was always a very responsible person, very mature for his age, and really didn't give us any problems.  He did normal teenage things, but he was never a problem.  He married a beautiful, wonderful woman who takes great care of him and our grandchildren.  She is very special to us.  

   

All this to say, I suppose, that although they were all made from the same gene pool, all reared in the same home, they are all so different.  If I had only had the first one, I would have been one to sit in judgment on others (no saying that I have seen anyone here sitting in judgment on another, only stating what I have seen in myself) whose children were not that easy.  BUT, God, in His infinite wisdom, sent me two others who DID have problems.  Now, I know that parents can do their very best and still the children will be what they will be.  We are not responsible for them once they are grown.  Our responsibility to them is to teach them when they are young (as has been mentioned in this thread already by those who are doing that), and then we have to let them fly on their own.  If they are relcutant to leave the nest, we have the duty and responsibliity to do as the mother bird does, and push them gently out and let them see that their wings can, indeed, hold them aloft!  (Seems we can learn alot about rearing children from nature.)  

   

I guess this has become somewhat long and convoluted.  I trust no one will misunderstand anything I have said here, but will hopefully take heart in knowing that these kids CAN and even MUST stand on their own.  It is not EASY for the parents.  Sometimes, it can be "hell on earth" so to speak.  

 
April 28, 2006, 2:21 am CDT

Theory

In gender theory there is a concept which applies here.

We should all know that in our society, as it exists, males have duties without rights. Females have both rights and duties. Theory says that some males handle the size and scope of the double standard by doing nothing: By being mooches ...

Now, I think there is something to the theory. It is certainly NOT the only reason ... but may well be the majority cause of the problem we see in some young men. As others have stated, spoiling can create the same apparent reaction.

Given theory is correct (and I think there is a lot to it) then the solution of forcing these young men into responsibility will back fire and create more problems. For the spoiled, Dr. Phil's push should work, for the protesters, Dr. Phil's push should back fire CREATING MORE problems.

Now, I'm not in any way saying that passivity is the answer! Never! Yet, it does appear that simply refusing to get involved is the solution (bad as it is) chosen by a goodly number of young men.

Thus, we face a problem which is more complex than it appears. Add in that there are a goodly many women who will answer this post with contempt for all males and the problem gets so complex that it may well be non-fixable. We may well be stuck with having to live with a percentage of male moochers which is too high for anyone's comfort. A solution which actually works will involve more than simply pushing ... it must also include action to change the public meme.

Our society is what it is. Bad or good, society simply is. We need to look at things as they are and react accordingly.

 
April 28, 2006, 6:35 am CDT

Dr. Phil's Mooch Squad

I think the families allow the other family members to be moochers and they aren't doing anyone a favor.  My ex-husband is a moocher. He has worked 6 months in the last 6-1/2 years. He lives with his parents rent free and is $30,000.00 behind in child support for our 3 children. They haven't done my ex-husband any favors by allowing him to do this. He will probably never get a job at this point...who would hire him after being unemployed for more than 6 years? They haven't done their grandchildren any favors. It's a struggle to put food on the table let alone buy new shoes for my 3 boys.  Throw the moochers out after 90 days!
 
April 28, 2006, 7:10 am CDT

Values

Quote From: cheekynik

 I hear you. It frustrates me to no end.  Even though I love my stepson, (And I mean that), It is time that he grows up.  The saddest part of it all though, is that his father is to partly blame because he allows it to happen.  He keeps giving in to him, so he knows he can keep quiting his jobs.  I am not the perfect parent, but I just wouldn't put up with it from my kids.  My daughter is just turning 19 and she is attending college fulltime and has a fulltime evening job at a telephone marketing company.  I think she is working too many hours, personally.  She is going to burn out.  I told her that I think she should quit her job and just obtain a partime, evening job.  Then she will be able to focus more on her schoolwork, but she is somehow still averaging a 90 percent in her courses.  The only problem I have with my daughter, (but it is big enough), is her attitude.  I'm just glad that she is a hard worker.  What I find the hardest is that my fiance is doing the same thing with my daughter as what he did with his kids.  I am trying to teach my daughter not to borrow money off of me because she shouldn't have to.  So, she blows her paychecks (thankgod, not on drugs), on clothes, but then asks for money.  I won't give it to her, but my fiance does,  just to shut her up.  That's what happened with his boys.  I don't want my daughter getting used to mooching off of us.  How do I deal with that one??

IMO sounds like the place to start is with your fiance. Many parents after a breakup use money to ease the pain of guilt. Children pick up on the guilt and many run with it!   

   

The next person is your daughter. First I'd like to point out, you said she's just turning 19, attending college and has a fulltime job. I would reward her by telling her how proud you are of those facts. She certainly is not lazy nor a mooch. Sounds like perhaps showing her how to and why to budget would be a good idea.   

   

Rewarding and giving for giving sake is not the same thing.    

 Good Luck  

Coffee  

   

 
April 28, 2006, 7:14 am CDT

They will thank you eventually!

One of the hardest things we ever did as parents was to boot out our mooching 21 year old daughter. But now, almost four years later, she's a part time college student, works and lives in Detroit and is happier than she's ever been. She has self respect and now knows she's capable of taking care of her self. Our relationship with her is 100% better also. It's the best thing we could have done for our "adult" daughter.
 
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