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Topic : Spanking: Useful or Cruel?

Number of Replies: 2264
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:50:41 pm
Author : dataimport
Is spanking a necessary evil or can you discipline effectively without physical punishment? Sound off about spanking.

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August 10, 2005, 7:05 pm CDT

Hi Karen

Quote From: karen234

I can see nothing has changed on this board. I hope you and your family are doing well. We have been busy this summer, and now Brett is getting ready to go back to school. 

  

My views on spanking have changed since being on this board. I used to be very firm in my opionion that spanking is cruel. Although I choose not to spank my children, I don't believe spanking is cruel. Especially if other forms of discpline are implemented and spanking is a last resort. I think it is good to be able to see and understand both sides of the spanking issue and I think you do a good job with that. 

  

Have a nice week! 

  

Karen 

it is nice to hear from you again. Our summer was pretty busy as well. Kept the girls busy with church and library activities and visited the park almost weekly, spent time at mamaw and papaws house and will be taking a 10 day vacation at the end of the month. My Amy is 4 1/2 years old and will be attending preschool this fall. She is so looking forward to it, she is excited to be a "Big kid" and go to school like her friends. We are still thinking about homeschooling but wanted to see how she does in the school setting (which I honestly don't see her having any problems) with the slight disorder that she has, She is a bright littel girl and very pleasent to be around, and would be the whole world's friend if they would allow her to be, but too much stress and over stimulation seems to bother her and I don't want anything to get in the way of her excitement of learning and her potential, and knowing how cruel people (including kids in the schools) can be worries me when it comes to her. But I honestly don't expect any problems as she has absolutely no problem playing with others, I think she is the queen of "play"! My Anna is 2 1/2 and doing well, don't have to worry about her standing on her own, she is the boy that we never had and she is a stubborn littel thing, happy and sweet but stubborn and it seems that she is more stubborn when it comes to using the potty. This has got to be the hardest child when it comes to potty training, Amy was doing all this before she was two and Anna, well, she will go if she wants but if not, the child aint movin LOL. Any way, enough of this ramblin about my girlies. Have a nice week to, I won't be on much for a while but will be thinkin of you and I still miss you as a JB girl. Your photos are still posted. :)maybe you can come visit some time???? We have a new little beanie from one of the regulars. And I am glad that you see my point of supporting both sides of this crazy issue, I think I just need to stop while I am ahead, actually before I get myself in to deeper water then I have been. Jetta
 
August 11, 2005, 2:58 am CDT

Glad you had good influences

Quote From: jettav

I don't remember who it was or what exactly the discussion was at this point as I have not reread messages, but some one mentioned something about wishy washy parents and maybe not, but I think I felt it was towards me so I was responding to what my definition was and as I pointed out before I clicked on "reply with quote" which was the mistake I made, I should have clicked on "post a message" then no ones message would have been high lighted. I will try to be more careful on that. I really am sorry about that casue I too am a very passionate person, especially when it comes to children, I would never purposely degrade another parent for their great efforts in raising their children and I think this is what I have been wanting to make clear to you here, children are my passion as I have been in children's ministries for 25 years and 15 of those years were in the poorest part of my city, the inner city, I have worked camps involving children of all walks of life and two particular weeks out of the summer are set aside for those in the system who seem to fall through the cracks in many ways, which in all honesty I was one of those kids but survived and had great role models and mentors and I try really hard to set the same type of example. ANy way, I am fine with all this, and I don't want to bring it up any more either, I think these message boards is a great thing as I have developed many good friends through them, (which I never thought could really happen), and maybe that is why I am so drawn to them, I don't think one can have too many friends, can they? :) but I do see the down side of the boards as it is sometimes hard to interprett some postings and I know how easy it is to offend some one with out the intention there and vice versa. I think they tried to make these boards easier and all, but leave it to me to mess up, I will try not to highlight a message while typing a thought unless of course it goes along with a message. The girls and I will be leaving sometime after lunch tomorrow for a couple days, leaving hubby at home so he can get some much needed work done here with out little tiny hands trying to help. I may check in one more time before I leave but otherwise won't be back on for several days. Have a nice weekend.
 Hello, I understand how , of course, you would want to defend yourself.  Good for you rather than just backing down and exepting what has been said.  From reading this board it sounds like you have had quite a challenging upbringing.  Thank goodness you had the influences you had.  Because it really does stick with you.  I've had this conversation with many people and they think that it is no use to try and help but it really does matter.  Now you can give your kids the foundation that has brought you where you are today.  That's how I feel about myself any way.  I fight everyday to try and not make the same mistakes my parent's made with me so I can give my son the healthiest start possible.  I know he will have issues down the road but at least I am aware of them and can help him through.  I am new to the boards so I don't know how they work.  So if I listened to you in the beginning when you said you had made mistakes by clicking on reply a quote this would have never happened but I let my passion get the best of me and just read what was pertinent to my feelings at the time. I know my very first post I mentioned wishy washy ways but It was in no way towards you I just kind of included it in my post because it was being discussed at that time.  That is a problem with words theres no room to ask a question and define what is really being said. But we all are adults and can find a way to move through it and keep talking about ways to give our kids the best start.  Well have a great weekend.  Enjoy
 
August 11, 2005, 9:31 am CDT

Hi everyone

Hello there Jetta and Karen.  So good to see you are doing well Karen.  Gosh, I really miss chattin' with you.  I remember the early days of our board here and boy, have we come a LLLOOOONNGGG way or what?!? :)  I think it is really sad when someone says that they are a good parent b/c of not spanking or imply that someone is a bad parent b/c they do.  I know, personally, there is SUCH a HUGE difference between spanking and abuse I just can't imagine someone NOT understanding it.  Although, after all the time I've spent here, I realize that is just the case. 

 

I won't go into all the hoopla of our home, but we do believe in spanking.  I know that not everyone does and that is quite okay.  I believe there are GREAT parents either way.  I also believe there are parents who shouldn't be parents either way.  Raising a child takes so much energy in so many avenues how can you possibly limit it to one aspect?  Just b/c I'm faithful in taking my children to church, does that mean parents who don't are bad?  Of course not.  Just b/c I don't allow my children to watch certain things on TV, does that mean parents who do are bad?  Of course not.  We all make the decisions we do based on what "we" believe is the best for them.  Now, on the other hand, as the previous poster said about her Mom being oblivious to her emotions through her Mom's treatment of her, that is a communication problem, not a spanking problem.  I, personally, have a GREAT communication relationship with my dh and children.  They boys have clearly expressed how they felt when being spanked, but likewise how they felt/feel when they are being disciplined period.  Bottom line is they pretty much don't like either but understand the consequence came as a result of their choices.  Too, if the discipline does not bring positive, lasting, and definite results, it is just simply not worth it to me. 

 

Hope everyone has a GREAT Thursday.  Jetta and Karen, you better hang in there girls or Scooby will be finding you!!!!  :) 

 

tselb2 

 
August 11, 2005, 5:01 pm CDT

another level

I wanted to add a level that I experienced as a child and never really thought anything of it until I read tselbs (scooby) post (forgive me as I am doing the spelling of your user name from memory.) She talked about the difference between the effects of spanking and communication(or lack there of).  I remember as a child watching my brother get hit (not spanked more like beat) and feeling sad for him(I still cry for him sometimes) and then lying in bed listening to my parents fight as I wondered when will it be my turn.  Even though I was never physically "hit"I was emotionally "hit" which in turn hurt just as much and left the same bruises and scars.  The only problem was that noone (not even to this day) ever saw them because they were internal and just assumed I was fine because I just sat, played and smiled like all "good" girls should do (by good I mean in behavior and not those 1950's defintions) The fear of it, I think, affected me emotionally as being hit would.  And I had noone to talk about it to because my mom wasn't the warm and fuzzy type and just dismissed me because I didn't complain and was able to go about dealing with her own abuse and didn't have to worry (so she thought) about me.  I have made peace with my parent's because you have to forgive those around you and your self in order to move on.  I could no longer live in that internal hell any longer.  It is a work in progress.  That's just my thought.  Thanks for listening.
 
August 12, 2005, 8:43 am CDT

Exactly

Quote From: kdabam

I wanted to add a level that I experienced as a child and never really thought anything of it until I read tselbs (scooby) post (forgive me as I am doing the spelling of your user name from memory.) She talked about the difference between the effects of spanking and communication(or lack there of).  I remember as a child watching my brother get hit (not spanked more like beat) and feeling sad for him(I still cry for him sometimes) and then lying in bed listening to my parents fight as I wondered when will it be my turn.  Even though I was never physically "hit"I was emotionally "hit" which in turn hurt just as much and left the same bruises and scars.  The only problem was that noone (not even to this day) ever saw them because they were internal and just assumed I was fine because I just sat, played and smiled like all "good" girls should do (by good I mean in behavior and not those 1950's defintions) The fear of it, I think, affected me emotionally as being hit would.  And I had noone to talk about it to because my mom wasn't the warm and fuzzy type and just dismissed me because I didn't complain and was able to go about dealing with her own abuse and didn't have to worry (so she thought) about me.  I have made peace with my parent's because you have to forgive those around you and your self in order to move on.  I could no longer live in that internal hell any longer.  It is a work in progress.  That's just my thought.  Thanks for listening.

Precisely my point in so many ways.  It doesn't take getting a "spanking" to be considered abusive.  I know spanking, the way we used it, was not abusive.  And just because you DON'T spank doesn't make you a GREAT parent.  That is terrible about watching your brother get beat, but the sad thing is, I can completely relate.  I watched my brother get hit with a flyswatter one time so many times to the point that his legs collapsed at his knees.  The only reason he didn't fall to the floor was because my Mom had a hold of his arm, but his little legs bent at the knees b/c he couldn't stand anymore.  He was only about 7.  Now, I have a 7 yo and couldn't imagine doing that to him anymore than I could imagine locking him in a closet, boiling his little fingers, or pulling him around by his hair.   I know/knew my children well enough to know that spanking my oldest would be WAY more hurtful to his little spirit than spanking my second who was QUITE the little one to raise.  He is doing really well now, but I definitely attribute it to the way he has been raised thus far.  He was disciplined VERY strictly, but then on the other hand, I spent QUITE a bit of time just holding him on the rocker b/c it was what he needed at the time.  He is very emotional as well, but not quite the same way as my oldest.  My third is just a firecracker.  He has SUCH a will, but is really loving as well.  You can't get three loving little men from being abusive to them.  I don't care how you figure it.  I knew from the time I was very little that I would learn from the mistakes my parents made.  I, too, have forgiven both of them for their decisions.  My Mom passed away in May of 200 and my Dad in October of 2001.  Forgiveness, to me, is not only a requirement from God, but a soul saver.  Take care and you're very welcome for listening.  ;) 

  

tselb2 

 
August 12, 2005, 10:07 am CDT

hi 2b

I still can't figure out how this new format works. Once I sign in, I can't find the message I was going to reply to. Atleast I know how to post a message, geez! 

  

Have you had a busy summer? It is hard to believe school is already starting again, isn't it. Justin sure is going to miss his big brother when he starts school on Monday. How are your children handling starting school? 

  

We definitely need to keep in touch better than we have. If you still have my e-mail address you can e-mail me whenever you get a chance. I lost your new e-mail. 

  

Have a great weekend!  

  

  

 
August 12, 2005, 12:33 pm CDT

good point

Quote From: tselb2

Precisely my point in so many ways.  It doesn't take getting a "spanking" to be considered abusive.  I know spanking, the way we used it, was not abusive.  And just because you DON'T spank doesn't make you a GREAT parent.  That is terrible about watching your brother get beat, but the sad thing is, I can completely relate.  I watched my brother get hit with a flyswatter one time so many times to the point that his legs collapsed at his knees.  The only reason he didn't fall to the floor was because my Mom had a hold of his arm, but his little legs bent at the knees b/c he couldn't stand anymore.  He was only about 7.  Now, I have a 7 yo and couldn't imagine doing that to him anymore than I could imagine locking him in a closet, boiling his little fingers, or pulling him around by his hair.   I know/knew my children well enough to know that spanking my oldest would be WAY more hurtful to his little spirit than spanking my second who was QUITE the little one to raise.  He is doing really well now, but I definitely attribute it to the way he has been raised thus far.  He was disciplined VERY strictly, but then on the other hand, I spent QUITE a bit of time just holding him on the rocker b/c it was what he needed at the time.  He is very emotional as well, but not quite the same way as my oldest.  My third is just a firecracker.  He has SUCH a will, but is really loving as well.  You can't get three loving little men from being abusive to them.  I don't care how you figure it.  I knew from the time I was very little that I would learn from the mistakes my parents made.  I, too, have forgiven both of them for their decisions.  My Mom passed away in May of 200 and my Dad in October of 2001.  Forgiveness, to me, is not only a requirement from God, but a soul saver.  Take care and you're very welcome for listening.  ;) 

  

tselb2 

 I think the best point you and severals others made here is this..any one can become  a parent but not everyone can parent.  Theres a difference.  It takes so much.  Hard work. Responsibility, putting yourself second.  It's like watching your heart walk outside of your body 24/7.  We do our best with what we have and it is so helpful to hear others stories and struggles and know that once and for all "Leave it to Beaver" and "Little House on the prarie" were not reality.  They did more harm than good.
Good for you listening to your children's needs.  They say the way men treat women is because of what they learned from their mom and how they treated her.  And you are absolutley right you sure can't get 3 loving men from abusive parenting.  How could anyone love when the people who are suppose to love you the most hurt you.  It takes a load of hard work, therapy and for me Zoloft to get through it.  Thank God I finally found the right man who because of who he is lets me journey down this road. He doesn't know he's doing it it is just how he is.  Oddly enough my husbands mom passed away when he was 4. She must of laid one heck of a foundation!!  Talk to you soon
Karen
 
August 13, 2005, 8:06 am CDT

My Experience

Quote From: mwalker

 This is my first time on here.

im just writing cause my cousin's 3 year old some is showing signs of add or adhd and nothing she does helps to get him under control.He runs all over her and we dont know what to do. she has talked to someone and they just say that there's nothing that can be done because he is too young to medicate..they havent even really done the testing on him for it .He is just out of control so if you have any advice please lend it . she is at her wits end here . thanks

I have a 15 yr old daughter who has ADHD, and it's been my experience that if you hold the same expectations for them as for a "normal" child, you CAN get results...sometimes it takes a little longer, and sometimes you have to break things down into step by step instructions, just giving them one step at a time, but if you give them the same rules and consequences as any other child their age would have, and are consistent, you WILL see results.  A child who "runs all over" the parent is not receiving consistent discipline, and the parent is teaching the child that their behavior is acceptable.  

 

Teresa 

 
August 15, 2005, 7:26 am CDT

2B 2B DOOOOOOOOOO

Quote From: tselb2

Hello there Jetta and Karen.  So good to see you are doing well Karen.  Gosh, I really miss chattin' with you.  I remember the early days of our board here and boy, have we come a LLLOOOONNGGG way or what?!? :)  I think it is really sad when someone says that they are a good parent b/c of not spanking or imply that someone is a bad parent b/c they do.  I know, personally, there is SUCH a HUGE difference between spanking and abuse I just can't imagine someone NOT understanding it.  Although, after all the time I've spent here, I realize that is just the case. 

 

I won't go into all the hoopla of our home, but we do believe in spanking.  I know that not everyone does and that is quite okay.  I believe there are GREAT parents either way.  I also believe there are parents who shouldn't be parents either way.  Raising a child takes so much energy in so many avenues how can you possibly limit it to one aspect?  Just b/c I'm faithful in taking my children to church, does that mean parents who don't are bad?  Of course not.  Just b/c I don't allow my children to watch certain things on TV, does that mean parents who do are bad?  Of course not.  We all make the decisions we do based on what "we" believe is the best for them.  Now, on the other hand, as the previous poster said about her Mom being oblivious to her emotions through her Mom's treatment of her, that is a communication problem, not a spanking problem.  I, personally, have a GREAT communication relationship with my dh and children.  They boys have clearly expressed how they felt when being spanked, but likewise how they felt/feel when they are being disciplined period.  Bottom line is they pretty much don't like either but understand the consequence came as a result of their choices.  Too, if the discipline does not bring positive, lasting, and definite results, it is just simply not worth it to me. 

 

Hope everyone has a GREAT Thursday.  Jetta and Karen, you better hang in there girls or Scooby will be finding you!!!!  :) 

 

tselb2 

I spotted you!! Glad to see that you have dropped by and I agree with you 100 % in your posts. I think maybe if all of us as parents could just remember that we are all in the same boat here, maybe it would be easier not to judge, but I suppose part of it could be the human nature that we can't seem to be able to control at times, but whatever the case, I personally do try to support all parents as long as they are good parents and they care for their kids and all. Any way, it has been a long weekend and we are beet today, not gonna be a lot of action going on here so maybe I will pop back in later. Have a great day every one.
 
August 23, 2005, 5:01 pm CDT

Where is eeryone??!

Hope every one is doing well. Things are going well with my family. Will be going on vacation here in a few days and I for one am looking forward to it, 10 days with no phone calls or ringing door bells. :) Enjoy the rest of the summer every one.
 
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