Topic : Spanking: Useful or Cruel?

I don't know if this debate has been happening by parents who are 'deciding' for the kids if spanking works, but I thought I'd throw my opinion in this matter as someone who grew up in a family who believed in spanking children, and I can tell you - at least for me and my sisters - how it worked and didn't work.

I lived in several different households after running from home because of abuse and had the chance to witness how different families worked with different methods, and I've noticed a trend, which I'll speak of. I ran away from home because of abuse, when my dad hit me when I was 15, and I decided that it was going to be the last time he ever did that.

I call spanking abuse because as a child that is exactly how I felt, and as I grew into puberty and had dealt with much sexual and physical abuse outside of the home - I begun to feel invaded and violated. My Father felt that he'd never lose it. He fashioned a belt into a weapon and made three of them. He made each one plastic handles, and he took it seriously - this was no quick job he made. I remember him coming upstairs when he was done, and showing us this is what he'd use when we were bad. And I think I may have blacked out during the process, but I do not remember how it ended. My memory even after the fact has only ever been, that me and my sister were both being hit with his belt, rolled over for the next one to take their turn, and I don't remember when it stopped. I remember waking up the next morning, and being "covered" in bruises.

I hold no resentment towards my father because he already paid the price for doing this. Because of all this, we've never been close. He doesn't - even to this day - know how to interact with his children. We still can't have a normal relationship because he is conflicted with what he has done, and it has made a giant gape between  us. I know he is a good person, but he's made bad choices. He didn't know how to spend time with us, because the only time he spent with us was to punish us. Where parents go wrong is that spanking replaces communication, and if you don't communicate with your child - your message will never get through because they have no idea what message you are sending other than the fact that you are angry. There are only two responses that I know of that a child will have when you spank them in a fit of anger. They will either cower and become submissive and meek out of fear, or they become angry themselves and they will challenge you in whatever way they can.

As parents, you are supposed to be raising children to be able to handle the real world, to grow up and take care of themselves. Abuse took that ability away from me. I couldn't cope with conflict and with people being angry because my dad always yelled and then hit us, so I was too afraid to be in the workforce and deal with angry managers. I was too afraid to make mistakes because of someone getting angry, so I could not perform when i finally did work. The day I heard my boss thought I was working too slow, I went home and never went back. Merely because I was afraid to deal with conflict, and him getting upset with me.

I lived with my Aunt after I ran away from home, and I told her what happened with my family. My family never appreciated me being open about those things. She does not spank her daughter. Instead, she "TALKS" to her daughter, a key factor in raising children that many parents these days lack. When my cousin did something wrong, she was not yelled at or hit. Her mother would call her to her room, and they would talk about what happened, her mother would ask why she did it, why she felt it necessary, and why she thinks she and other people are upset about it, why its wrong, and what she should do to make it better.  Her daughter is WILLING to listen, because her mother is ALSO WILLING to listen. If you shut your ears to your children, they will also shut their ears. Though she does have her issues to this day, she DID grow up to be a loving, caring person who knows how to behave and cope with the world. Fighting negative energy with negative energy only begets negative. I know this because of living with my ex's family.

His mother screamed at her children and belittled them, and yet her children are all older except for one who was still in public school, and yet I had to try to help soothe my ex who was in high school when he cried. Each and every one of his brothers suffers emotional trauma, and as a result, made bad choices. My ex became physically and sexually abusive - because he was taught that when "you don't like something" you yell at it, and it is acceptable to be angry at it and do whatever is necessary to make yourself feel better. He was a compulsive liar because it was the only way he knew to protect himself from getting intro trouble - if you admit that it never happened.

Children aren't adults, they don't understand like adults do. The reasoning part of the brain doesn't fully develope until the age of 19, that is why communication is key to raising children. Adults are the product of their childhood, and the environment they grew up in.

Currently, my oldest sister has a child with a learning disability. At the age of 7 he is just learning how to make sentences. It took him until he was 6 to be potty trained. She told me that spanking didn't effect her, and yet whenever her child does the slightest wrong, or even follows her outside when he didn't know he wasn't supposed too - she yells at him. Her husband yells at him, and the look on the face could break your heart, because he doesn't quite understand. He has had a serious temper and it tired her out - but now she fights temper with temper. I had a talk with mom telling her that my sister needs to be spoken too because she's only going to cause so much emotional damage he will not be able to cope with day-to-day life. BECAUSE he has a learning disability, he WILL be harassed at school. As a child, your refuge - the place you can turn too when you feel upset - IS your own home. But if he comes home to people yelling and hitting him, and he can't quite understand why - I honestly think he may just consider suicide, because he doesn't have a corner in his life where he can escape from all this emotional abuse, and I can tell he's already traumatized in some manner.

You can't dictate how your child will grow up by being spanked. How it will help him or hinder him. I only know from my experiences how it didn't help me and my sisters, and those I had lived with - all to avoid an abusive parent. My and my older sister fell victim to abusive boyfriends, which I hear is common among children who had abusive fathers. You can dictate what 'you' consider the level of abuse, but it all comes from the same mind set - you are all angry whether you hit your child or scream at them. You didn't give your child the chance to say "i don't like this" he can't tell you "i'll grow up unable to cope with real life. I will have emotional problems if you keep doing this. I will lack in self esteem!" But you ARE helping him or her on the road to that. Each individual - each child - is different and responds POSITIVELY to different methods.

I haven't gotten over the damage that was done. To this day I can't have a good relationship with anyone, because the moment I see conflict I want to run away - and I have. I can't stand arguments. When they start raising their voice, i get so afraid, i start crying, i physically shake and start rocking. An argument doesn't even have to be an "agurment" it can be a disagreement, and i get so nervous because they are disappointed or i "know" they are upset/angry and that is enough to make me so nervous, that I NOW take up the father's legacy and get upset with myself for being a failure.

Children don't become what they are because its in their "genes". They become what they are because of how they are raised. You tell me "oh he's angry cuz he gets it from his dad's side of the family". No, I bet his father yells a lot, raised his voice to him and has taught him that its OK to lose your temper and THAT its how you control things, because that's how the parent controlled their children. That is what the dad TAUGHT the child.

This is why I say raising children is VERY difficult. You have no idea how they will react, what will scar their memories, and what will change them forever. When you think you are conveying one message, you may be conveying something else entirely. And so I never want to have kids. Possibly adopt someone in need, but never to put a child into this world as it is.

And that's my two cents.

I posted a message here a while back and it seems no one is even reading anyone elses messages, they are just so focused on what they have to say that they really aren't saying anything at all.

And just a note for all those people posting from other countries. It is NOT legal to hit or spank a child in American schools. It was in the 50s and before but has not been allowed in years. My mother was actually the last child hit with the paddle at her elementary school and she was born in 56.  Maybe since her school used it on her is why she chose to use it on her kids even though she says she hated it and her own parents never hit her.

Many defending spanking say that if they don't spank then the child will run rampit and will never learn how to behave in the world, that they will be shot by the police.  It's either one extreme or the other with many of you. Discipline does not have to be doled out with a hand or a belt. It's called saying NO and that's it no discussion. Parents should comand respect not demand it. I don't respect my mother, I down right fear her and for a long period as a young child I hated her.

I am a child of a mother who's answer for any cercumstance of a misbehaving child is to beat them. She'll be watching tv like the show, Jon and Kate plus 8, and if one or more of the children are doing anything other than behaving angelicly she yells out, "Just beat that child. If it were mine I'd have taken them straight to the bathroom by now." If it''s in public or, " I'd have beaten their butts."  But she also refuses to admit any physical discipline she has used on me. She says she never did it to me but also daily yells out that so and so child needs to be hit. Even kids at the mall or in a store near us.

My heart races and I am nervous speaking around her becasue I don't know what will set her off. Growing up if any of us did something she didn't like she would go off on us without any explanation. How can we stop doing something wrong if we are never told what it is that was wrong. We were hit then if we reacted in a negative way like crying or going to our rooms then we'd be ridiculed threatened further harm r hit again. There was never her saying don't do that or saying that is wrong or bad.

There was one circumstance where my brother was hitting me so I ran away from him and was calling out to my mother to help but she ignored me and I just kept running but I tripped and fell and the gum I was chewing fell out of my mouth. Imediately my mother ran to me and began shaking me and yelling at me about how dare I spit gum on the floor. She never tried to find out what had happened and when I tried to explain she just began spanking me so hard and so many times I was bruised and it hurt to sit. Often this was how it was.

She'd ignore us instead of doing something to resolve the  situation and then it would escalate because my brothers were not stopped or told what they were doing was wrong or uneceptable , then I would get into trouble for screaming to get her attention  or crying or for scratching them to get them off of me.
All she needed to do was tell them to stop that it wasn't acceptable ground them from seeing there friends,  and taking away what they love. But instead she used her hand or a belt.

For all those who are for spanking. If it is such a great "parenta;l tool" then why is it that my brothers NEVER stopped physically and emotionally attacking me and to this day they make  me feel horrible about myself and afraid to be myself around anyone of my family  members, especially my mother?

It does not work and actually created more disrespectful and unruley children than if she had used non physical discipline. Children should not fear their families or fear being themselves around their own families. Spanking is creul no matter what the circumstance.

And just a note for all those people posting from other countries. It is NOT legal to hit or spank a child in American schools. It was in the 50s and before but has not been allowed in years. My mother was actually the last child hit with the paddle at her elementary school and she was born in 56. 

 

 

 

It is still very LEGAL to use corporal punishment in MANY schools in the USA!    Spanking isn't illegal in the USA! 

 

The school district in which I reside still uses a paddle.  All I'd have to do is a sign a permisson slip at the beginning of the school year in the student handbook to allow the school to do so.  I don't sign it as I am against spanking, but yes, corporal punishment is still alive and kicking in the USA!

 

Amy =)

 

 

 

Spanking is not cruel. I have tried not spanking just talking to them and the corner just about anything that you could tell me to do besides spanking I have done it. It does not work for my 2 year old. She likes to do whatever I tell her not to do. I tell her no and she knows that I am mad but still does it anyway. She only listens after I spank her. I dont spank for everything and I give at least three warnings before I spank which most parents probably do. I dont think it is right that other moms judge us and tell us that we are wrong because they are not your child therefor you dont know what goes on in the home. I had some lady tell me that I better not spank my child again or she would call CPS. All because I warned my daughter 3 times and she was not listening to what we had to say so I gave her a pop on her butt. I think people need to mind there own business and let the parents parent!!!

First off I want to say that I am sorry that, that happened to you. But there is a difference between spanking and abuse. "There are four major categories of child abuse: neglect, physical abuse, psychological/emotional abuse, and sexual abuse" That is what abuse is. I dont spank my daughter until I bruise her or hurt her I give her a pop on the butt with my hand to let her know that I mean business. I will never hurt my daughter.

   This is an epidemic. Not just with teen girls,  ( the guys are rarely around), young women and even the women that hit 40 and " simply must have another baby". (In truth, they want a baby, not to actually raise another child.).

   As a birth mother myself, who in 1986 found herself pregnant ( because he pulled the condom off ), and despite being  barely 21 ( that was considered young back then), I knew I was not ready to be a mother.  My parents on the other hand saw no problem in tossing me to street.   From then on, I swore I would never have a child until I was married and as ready as I could be. The girls of today who think motherhood is the be  and end all, they are cowards afraid of getting educated, afraid of getting a decent job that would enable them to have their own apartment, to travel, to become constantly educated, to mature as a person.

children live what they learn and these girls have learned that their mothers never went out on their own so why should I?  They have continued to learn thru their wonderful culture they must have a baby or they just don;t count. They are immature, uneducated, and can;t get off their damn cell phones to handle their crying child. They have no sense of disciplining a child, rather reacting as was done to them. They are not real women; they are cowards pure and simple. How many actually consider adoption? Oh no that would be too much for them but what about the life they hand this child they couldnt be bothered planning for. They are just too stupid, too arrogant and too disobedient to even go online, google  "birth control" - there are a minimum of 5 other methods for women. The condom is the coward's way out. These young women wouldnt put their put control in their bodies but they have no problem putting ........ Planned Parenthood  is there but they act like they have no choices. I have lost all respect for single mothers. They create their own life and expect the rest of us to pay for it, give up our seat on the bus for it, sit by and watch their abuse of their child and curse at us if we have an opinion. As a feminist I marched so women could make wise choides; what we have as representative of young womanhood are a bunch of rag tag wanna be's and they need to grow up. There is no excuse for not using proper birth control in this day and age. There is no excuse to expect taxpayers to pick up the tab on your sorry but and your illegitimate kid. How arrogant and self centered. For shame for shame. When young women start to demonstrate that they have some common sense and smarts then maybe my respect will return.

Well, dear, you found yourself pregnant because you decided to have sex. If you hadn't you most definitely would not have had a baby.

Good for you to give it to a loving family. Most of the stories you'll read from anti-spankers tell of parents or other figures spanking or hitting in a rage. Poor things, they never had a chance. Because of their experiences, they cannot conceive of emotionally healthy parents training with spanks. Now the rights of parents are threatened because of the many messed-up "children" of abuse. It's a shame.

I used to visit these boards quite often.  Without getting into my life story, I will say that I've been on both sides of this "fence".  I've observed so many misbehaved, broken and disturbed kids because of several parenting ideas gone bad.  I will say this, if you truly love your children, you will take more time to care for them than worrying about the way they make you "feel".  I spent a plethora of time teaching my boys to do the right thing in any circumstance.  Granted, I can't teach them all things as life doesn't work that way.  Now that they are older, though, they treat themselves with respect.  They realize handing over their bodies on a whim to a girl is not respecting yourself or her.  Alcohol, drugs, and smoking are not even an option.  They share their opinions with me openly but respectfully.  We have awesome relationships!!  If you say you HAVE to spank to get your child under control, I pray you will rethink the steps you've taken to that point.  If you educate yourself to understand your child, you will be amazed.  I PROMISE!!

 

Be blessed!

Hello people,

  This is my first  time posting so I'm gonna contribute with my own experience. My mother used to spank us for almost everything. And not only spank us, if she had a belt lying around, it would,most certainly, be used on my sisters and I. I learned to fear her because of this: one moment she would love us dearly and the other she would spank us and hit us mercilessly for the most ridiculous things that were a big deal to her. My mother and her mother before her were terribly violent. My unclestell stories about how they ran from grandma when she was angry becauseshe could throw anything that was in her hand to them. Mother wasexactly the same.

  I know that children need discipline. As a teacher, I seen children and teenagers whose limits are not set at home and they behave terribly at school. However, I've seen better responses in behaviour when you talk to them and explain the situation -as my father did to me-rather than induce fear by discipline-hitting.

  I tell you, I'm 25 and I still remember every beating I got ( the one with the broomstick  was unforgettable). In my teen years, I used to hate my mother and pray to God so he -or she- could devise a way to send me far away from my house. My mother died about 5 years ago and I can tell you that I don't  miss her that much. And thanks to her, I don't have any desire to be a mom since I may repeat all the things she did to me unto an innocent.

  Beware of spanking; sometimes it may be useful but in the long run, it is definetely going to affect your relashionship with your children. You want them to love you and respect you, not to fear you.

Bye