Dr. Phil.com - Messageboards - Spanking: Useful or Cruel?

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February 23, 2006, 8:57 am PST

cruel

I believe that spanking is cruel. Spanking is not nessessary. I believe that there are LOTS of other ways to disipiline children. I believe in the dicipline methods that Dr. Phil talks about on his show. I taught preschool for 18 years and I found out if you use currency like Dr. Phil talks about it really does work. I think that spanking is teaching kids that violence is the answer to dealing with disipline issues and that' s wrong.

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ladidyon

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February 23, 2006, 9:40 am PST

Had to smile

Quote From: buckeyejgz

I have a 9 year old child with P.D.D.-NOS (an autistic spec. disorder) and he has really made me stop and think the hole spanking thing. I was spanked as a child, my brother and sister use it on their children today, but I do not. I tried the swat on the bottom when he was a toddler and the only thing that came of it was my child was hitting me back. After looking at it through his eyes I had to stop and think. What does spanking a child truly teach them. Nothing except that I am bigger, I don't like what you did , so I get to hit you. The one big thing my son has tough me is that every experience is a learning one. If my child runs across the road, instead of spanking (which is a time when I know most parents would spank) I have to stop and teach my child about the dangers of running across the road. I truly believe in teaching a child that they are responsible for their own actions. Life has a funny way of teaching our children things with out us even having to step in. If my son does not put his clothing in the dirty clothing hamper then how am I to know that they need washed. A child will only go few times without clean clothing for them to "learn" the lesson. This works well for husbands as well who "always seam to miss"..lol. I have learned that there is a more natural way of teaching your children that there are actions and consequences for not being responsible. You don't bring home your homework you get a bad grade. No ones fault but your own. You back talk to you parents or don't listen then you have not "earned " the extra that come with earing your parents respect and trust. For those of you who do spank stop and think next time... How is this helping my child? What life lesion is this teaching my child? Is there another why I could go about this?

My last though is that as a child that was spanked the only thing I ever learned from it was that I need to hide my "wrong doings" better.

I think alot of parent use it because it is what they know. It was what their parents used and their parents before them. Like so many others things it won't change untill we all put our minds to it to change it.

I had to kind of smile about the part about the kid going out in public only a couple of times before he learned to put his clothes in the laundry....guess it depends on the age thing....as most kids wouldn't care if they walked out of the house with dirty clothes and it only takes about twice, now days, showing up at school like that for the school to be contacting the childrens protective society with suspicion of neglect. Also, I wonder how fast the teacher would be calling you at home when the kid came to class without the homework more than twice. I can just see his/her face when you tell him/her that it is the kid's problem if he doesn't want to do homework. I just wonder how the teacher would handle this. I am not being critical because it obviously worked for you. Just made me smile that is all, because schools are very fast (around here anyway) at reporting anything like this, on suspicion of neglect. It sometimes gets silly I know. Now days about every third family in the city has been investigated. We are all so quick to judge, that is why.

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marileaann

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February 23, 2006, 9:44 am PST

in responseTo the question on would I like it if people humiliated me in public...

Quote From: terrific98

to comment on your statement " Besides, where are you gonna put a kid when you have a shopping cart full of groceries and a kid is having a temper tantrum 'cause they can't have candy?"

My daughter has had one tantrum in public. She is six years old now. She was about 2 years old at the time of the tantrum. When started screaming because she did not get something that she wanted. I left my cart and took her straight home. She went in time out for 2 minutes (1 minute for each year old - as recommended by doctors) and explained to why she was in time out and why what she did was wrong. When my husband got home I went to the store without her and did my shopping. Since part of her punishment was that she could not go back to the store with me that day. No matter your choice in discipline I do not believe in public discipline. Would you like it if people humiliated you infront of a bunch of people. Even if you take them outside or to the restroom there is always people around. I believe that you should teach kids to respect themselves and you. They can not learn respect unless you respect them. Humiliating them is not respect nor discipline. My child has never been spanked in any way. She is extremely well behaved. Each kid is differenet as each parent is. How ever as I do not believe in spanking I do not believe in public discipline either.

To the question on would I like it if people humiliated me in public...of course not. But if I were throwing a temper tantrum, I think that would be humiliation enough. And as for me, I don't have enough time on my hands to let a two year old dictate if and when I get to do my shopping. I work full time and as I said before, I have five children. I don't have time to drive 30 minutes to and from the store just so I can put my kid in the corner for two minutes. For me, a smack on the butt gets it done in the two minutes you talked about minus the drive time.

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xarareese

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February 23, 2006, 10:36 am PST

Spanking useful and cruel

I completely 100% agree that spanking is a useful parenting tool to have. I also think that it can be cruel. To make my point, I think that there are certain behaviors that need to be followed with spanking and I think that some behaviors should be followed with some other means of punishment. It all depends on what is acceptable to the caregiver. Some behaviors absolutely do not need spanking or any other form of punishment and that is where it becomes cruel. I also think that spanking in public is cruel and sometimes disrespectful to those around. But I think that unless the parent is beating his or her child, people around need to mind thier own business and keep their opinions to themselves. I also think that anyone who doesn't have children or who aren't around them at least 24 hours a week shouldn't reply to any child-related subject.

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tnharris

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February 23, 2006, 10:48 am PST

spanking useful

I believe spanking is useful. I have three children and they definitely get their share. I know that it works, because of how well behaved they are around others, they still act out at home as most kids do. But, when it really matters they know how to act. I don't think anything of popping my child for a wrong doing. Of course it hurts, but isn't that the point. I remember one time when my oldest was around 2 years old, she bit me on the leg and my immediate reaction was to pop her. I popped her right on her mouth. Not hard, but enough to shock her. She never did it again. Of course, my youngest child is just 18 months, and he is a bit stubborn, the element of surprise doesn't work on him. You actually have to make him cry, or he will just continue to do what he wants to. I am sure he will be the one to put the most gray hairs on my head.

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cassie2_5

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February 23, 2006, 11:11 am PST

Help me cope

I am a stay at home mom with two boys aged 5 and 3. I babysit M-F two boys aged 5 and 2. I do not think spanking works or is necessary. In fact I am not allowed to spank or lay a hand on my daycare kids! I would be in such trouble with the parents. That being said I am at a point where the fighting between the boys is escalating !!!!!! I need help, does anyone know good ways to disipline children that is effective and will have some peace in my house?

I love these kids and timeouts are not working here. Spanking is cruel.

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marileaann

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February 23, 2006, 11:28 am PST

I agree with you to a point

Quote From: xarareese

I completely 100% agree that spanking is a useful parenting tool to have. I also think that it can be cruel. To make my point, I think that there are certain behaviors that need to be followed with spanking and I think that some behaviors should be followed with some other means of punishment. It all depends on what is acceptable to the caregiver. Some behaviors absolutely do not need spanking or any other form of punishment and that is where it becomes cruel. I also think that spanking in public is cruel and sometimes disrespectful to those around. But I think that unless the parent is beating his or her child, people around need to mind thier own business and keep their opinions to themselves. I also think that anyone who doesn't have children or who aren't around them at least 24 hours a week shouldn't reply to any child-related subject.

I agree with you that spanking is a useful tool. But, I also think that it's okay to do it in public. Otherwise, it kind of sends a message (in my opinion) that it's okay to act out in public because you won't get into trouble. OR do you just mean that you take the kid into another room and then spank them? Personally, I would rather see a parent spank the kid in public than to make me sit through their kids temper tantrum becuase their afraid I would be offended.

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angel8734

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February 23, 2006, 11:48 am PST

Spanking: Useful or Cruel?

I think it just depends on the child actually,some kids never need it and some do.My son is still very young so its something I wont have to worry about for a long time but I am undecided as to whether I will spank.I would just feel so horrible making my son cry.I think there are better methods of discipline out there.

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ladidyon

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February 23, 2006, 12:10 pm PST

fighting kids

Quote From: cassie2_5

I am a stay at home mom with two boys aged 5 and 3. I babysit M-F two boys aged 5 and 2. I do not think spanking works or is necessary. In fact I am not allowed to spank or lay a hand on my daycare kids! I would be in such trouble with the parents. That being said I am at a point where the fighting between the boys is escalating !!!!!! I need help, does anyone know good ways to disipline children that is effective and will have some peace in my house?

I love these kids and timeouts are not working here. Spanking is cruel.

well I am no expert so I can just tell you what I do. First off I have an 11m old boy and 2yr boy in home....I also babysit my two granddaughters 1yr and 4yr old. When the girls come....they will play with the boys for about 40 minutes before the fights or crying starts. I have a playpen in the diningroom...a gated playroom off the livingroom.....and the livingroom is childproof. I have 3 highchairs and a stool in the kitchen. So my day consists of rotating children. When the whining or crying starts....they get seperated for awhile. The oldest girl goes on the stool at the kitchen table.....and I give her alone stuff to play with at the table. The oldest boy gets to play alone for awhile in the playroom. The youngest girl gets to play alone for awhile in the livingroom and the youngest gets to play alone in the playpen. They can all see each other and they babble to each other but play happily for awhile. They just keep getting rotated like that pretty much all day. For short periods they can all be together but then have to be seperated. Lunchtime I have 3 in highchairs....and one at the table. Lunchtime takes awhile....as that is when I can sort of play with all of them....little games....silly face games and such. Naptime right after lunch kills about another hour or two sometimes. The toddler boy in the crib in the playroom, the baby in the portacrib in the diningroom and thegrandaughters in the livingroom..... the oldest girl in the recliner chair, and the youngest granddaughter in the playpen. I put a cartoon or kids show on the tv with no sound. They all eventually fall asleep for different periods of time. Then it's rotating the diaper change thing....then they start all over playing together till each one has a problem with the other. It's kind of hard to do any formal instruction with the age difference in the kids. In a real daycare situation you normally have one agegroup to contend with. When they are mixed ages like that I'm afraid all you really can do is rotate kids. I feel like it's an assembly line sometimes but they seem to get enough together playtime, and alone playtime and that wonderful naptime. If you have room to have two play areas it would be easier for you. Or if the little ones are not playpen raised....I'd get them used to it really fast. I normally only have one or two kids free to roam at one time. The key is ROTATE. So each of them get equal time in each area. Plus it gives them each equal time alone with certain favourite toys. I will say that I am certainly exhausted by 7pm....I am 52 years old, and sometimes feel 70 by evening.

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tiatula

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February 23, 2006, 12:16 pm PST