Topic : Spanking: Useful or Cruel?

well i do not abuse my son at all but it gets to a point when he starts mouthing off i just dont know what to do.

i have popped him in the mouth for talking back but that doesn't seem to help. he doesn't feel good and I feel guilty for doing it. I have actually contacted his school counselor and see what advice she has to give.

she wants to get a picture of what he is doing and then she will talk to him.

he is 9 and want to stop this before he gets any older.

any advice?

 

 have 3 beautiful children, ages 11,13, & 15. They are all doing very well in school. They are all virgins and trust me, that's not ignorant mom speaking, I know they are. None of them drink, none of them do drugs. They even ask permission before they cuss! They all love me with everything they have in them.  They even still call for me to come kiss them and tuck them in every single night before they go to bed. Ok, really, I'm not bragging, this is why I think they are like this:

1. I am not afraid to bust their butts. Throughout their entire lives, the only time they've ever gotten a spanking was if they were in danger of hurting themselves or someone else. I would rather bust their butts for running out in a parking lot than have them hit by a car.

2. Any time they are in trouble for anything else, I discipline them in various ways. I will ground them, make them write an apology letter to whoever they offended, tie them together until they say 10 things nice about the other person or I make them write sentences. Time out NEVER worked for them.

3. If they lie, they get the soap. My children do not lie. Everybody who knows my children crack up because they will tell on themselves for doing something wrong that I would have never found out about. They could be in California with their dad and I'm in Oklahoma and they will call me to tell on themselves. They will still get in trouble for doing wrong but it's not the degree of trouble they get in for lying.

4. I have NEVER lied to my children. They ask about sex, I give them the straight up facts. They asked about condoms, I went and got one from my husbands drawer and showed them how to use one. My belief is, they're going to find out anyway and if they come to me first and I lie, the trust will be broken and they won't believe anything I say anymore and will have no reason to come to me.

5. There is a rule in my home. They know that I want them to wait for marriage to become sexually active, however I became sexually active at age 11 and had my first child at age 15, all three by 19. I'm not stupid. So we have an agreement that if they feel it's getting to that point in a relationship (especially with two of them being boys), they can come to me, they will not get in trouble, I will not judge them, I will simply give them the proper information they need to do make sure they do it safely.

6. If my kids were to ever get caught ditching school, I would go to school with them the next day in my pajamas and bunny slippers with curlers in my hair and spend the entire day with them like that. It hasn't happened but they know I'm just crazy enough to do it.

7. Finally, I use my life experiences. I don't say DO AS I SAY, NOT AS I DO. I tell them, look, I had sex when I was your age, I had 3 kids before I was 19. Though I don't regret having my children, I wish I had waited longer. My husband is a felon. He's cleaned his life up but before I met him, he did drugs, he sold drugs, he went to jail for 4 months. His life is forever changed because 1 time he was caught with drugs. I've known alot of people who did drugs. The children have also known of these people and when the drugs come up to bite them in the butt, I make sure my children know why they are in that position.

 

It all comes down to having good communication with your children. If you treat them with respect, they will do the same. But respecting them also means a good spanking when it's called for. I've had DHS at my door for two reasons, the first was for spanking, they decided I did nothing wrong, the second was for the soap in the mouths, they also told me that was fine as long as I wasn't pouring a whole big ol' bottle of dishsoap down their throats. If you don't spank your kids at every turn, they can't call it abuse. My plan may not work for everybody but I hope it helps somebody.

When those of us who did spank i child we also speak to them and explain why what they did was wrong and what could happen and what consequences would follow if that continued that behavior.  also, I don't think a child should be spanked much beyond five. Not all people who spank follow that and what they are probably doing is beating their child and if not there will still be the problem of only knowing they got spanked and not why.  I'm glad you raised 3 without every spanking,  you derserve much praise.  But I found it a little hard to reason with a 2year and 3year old not at 4 reasoning worked better with one of my children but not my boy. My children follow my rules because they know there are consequences.  But then again, I always told them there are three major rules:

1. Don't lie

2. Don't steal

3. Don't disrespect people

the rest could always be worked out.  There has been too many of "the rest"  because most things are covered in the 3 major rules.

It is so easy to judge from the other side.  For mean a spanking was always a couple smacks with an open had on the but.  They were spank for everythin they did, and they were not much beyound five years old.  My children know 13 and 19 are not insecure, they know how much I love them, and are not afraid to come to me for help.  Not everything a child does wrong is about lacking some kind of attention from their parent.  Sometimes it is about peer pressure or in my son's case ADHD.  He has trouble controlling his impulses. He gets an idea in his head and instead of reasoning it out, he just acts on in.  Now at 13, he does not get in too too much trouble but that was do to a combination of disciplinary actions:

 

1.  SPANKING

2. Punishment

3. Reasoning with him, so he understood what he did wrong and why.

4. Constantly reminding he to thinkl before he acted

 

This does not make me a bad Mother.  My children are happy,confident children who contribute to making society a better place.  They never lacked attention or praise because along with the different forms of discipline prais is also neccessary.

As a mother of a 7 month old you haven,t a clue.  My brother does not believe in spanking probable because of all the beatings he recieved as a child.  His children are 10 years old and 2 years old.  With his 10 year old he spaanked her once in ten years.  I would say kudos to him but his method is yelling and intimidation and that is so much worse.  His 2 year old son has already recieved a few spankings(one smack open hand on behind) because reasoning and timeout aren't working.  One of those spankings my nephew recieved was for punching his father in the eye.  This occured while he was disciplining him for punching his mother and sister.  So one smack for punching three people doesn't seem very inhumane to me. and once again this is someone who does not believe in spanking.  I on the other hand have spanked my children when the needed and have also inployed other disciplinary actions.  I can tell you that my children are not agressive especially my 13 year old ADHD son.  They know that they are love and both of my children are self assured happy children.  My daughter is 19 in collegeand top 2 percent of her high school.  How could this be when I am such an inhumane person.  My children were nerver spank for showing emotions that was acceptable even anger and pouting but if they were going to pout are be angry the could do it in their room. They were spank for doing things that could harm themselves or others.  They were also spanked for constantly repeated an unacceptable behavior,  when all else failed.  And most before the age of 5 because I much preferred reasoning and time out.

so no discipline at all.  you cut your self for emotional reason.  Since you don't specify it is hard to tell if you were spanked or beat.  Them doing this is not the only reason you cut yourself and sure you were neglected in other ways by you parents also.  No discipline doesn't work , there has to be some kind of cosequence for inappropiate behavior and actions.  If you parents "spanked" beyond the age of 5 or 6 then that is the problem.

The line between spanking and abuse is a subjective one for many many people. To MANY people a smack with a stick or a belt is "discipline"...just as to YOU hitting with your hands is just "discipline"...

Hurting a child's BODY in order to hurt FEELINGS is silly. Hurting a child's FEELINGS doesn't work either. What does hurting their bodies OR feelings have to do with what they did?

So, tell me, how do you define the line between "abuse" and "discipline"...because I have yet to hear a rational answer.

If it's not ok to HIT an adult when they make a mistake it is CERTAINLY wrong to hit a little CHILD whose brain is still developing.

My daughter is 4, she's NEVER been spanked. She is very polite, very sociable, very bright and VERY happy. She has thrown ONE tantrum in her entire life span.  She didn't get hit for it either.

I have a difficult 2 year old, and have spanked her on more than a few occasions.  I don't like to, but she is VERY persistant and a simple no or even a tap on the back of her hand doesn't work.  I think the biggest key is knowing your own strength, it doesn't take much to get kid's attention, and that's what spanking is, an attention getter, after the fact be sure to explain calmly why you did what you did. 

You know what a great attention getter is?

Quiet room, no distractions,  gently cup your hand on their chin and put your face very close to their face. Talk to them in a quiet but clear tone, have a nice look on your face. Tell them what they did wrong in THEIR language. Use words THEY know for their age. Let's say they threw the remote control on the kitchen floor and it busted open. Say something like

"No throw remote. Broken. Mommy sad and mad. Remote broken."

Then, keep the remote out of their reach.