Topic : Things That Worked For Us

When I hear all anger you have I wonder if your son is really the issue. Let's take a step back from whether or not you husband is too hard on his son. And, by the way, the term is "Ours", not "My", as I keep reading you state. Are you really going to leave the man who stepped in to pick up the pieces after your first relationships failure? You must have found something amazing in this man to have chosen him above all the other men about there? Why, all of a sudden, is he the devil in a pin-stripe suit, so to speak? It seems like you and your husband have very real communication at all. You said he was extremely harsh. Do you mean spanking with stick harsh, throwing people down the stairs, harsh like that? You say he is verbally abusive. Do you mean cussing and swearing? If so, you can bring this matter up in the discussion you two will have. There are lots of expressions you use that are not partnership-terms or relationship builders, but relationship destroyers. You refer to him as a non-protector, angry, frustrated, abusive, harsh, not enough, loud and violent. Is this accurate or are you exaggerating and exacerbating the situation with your "mother-bear" instinct to protect your son from all men. It seems like you are protecting you son from some stranger or evil monster. You married this guy. What's wrong with this picture? You seem to follow your husband around a lot and take mental pictures of all his actions, emotions, behaviors and facial expressions. That seems so weird, controlling and obsessive on your part. It sounds like you are not being very mature about any of these encounters. Your husband is not a child or the equal of your son. Yes, they both must respect each other and treat each other dignity. Yes, your husband and you will talk about and agree what aspects of his discipline are to be trashed and which parts of your reactions to his behaviors you will trash. You have to be fair and equal, not god and judge, as you seem to me. You say counseling hasn't worked, talking hasn't worked, you son's ADD is still going strong in school, your husbands discipline isn't working, your discipline isn't working, obviously, doctor's advice isn't working, so what is working? Your anger and everyone Else's in the household. Someone has to put up a red sign and say "STOP!" We are not going to relate to each other in this family with anger. We are going to stop all the name calling. You are going to stop calling your husband: "angry, frustrated, not good enough, not protective enough, not nice enough, a face maker, disgusted, harsh, abusive..." Your husband is going to stop disciplining and let you handle this from now on. You did not talk enough about your roles in disciplining this child prior to getting married and adoption. The lack of solid deal making, hard copy decisions, and I mean on paper is you must, is evident. You don't ever give up on talking and communicating. "Going off" isn't going to help. You don't "Go off" in front of your child and interdict yourself between your husband and child. That was wrong. So, your husbands gets mad and or upset. Those are normal emotions and not abusive. Is your son such an angel that you think he isn't part of the problem? It is up to your husband to get real help for his issues with his adopted son. You mention not appreciating the "gift" he has. That's really funny. Do you really think adopting a boy who doesn't view him as dad is a gift to your husband. You should thank your husband for giving the gift of love, not the reverse. You should let your son know that your husband doesn't have an easy job. Nor do any of you. You are at the center of this "constant turmoil". You are the winds and the fuel. Your son will not grow into a mature, well-adjusted, strong male without male role models and male guidance on being a man. The same would be true if your husband was trying to raise a girl without any positive female role models around. Stop disregards how important your marriage is and stop trying to run from this relationship like you did with the one with your son's boo-dad. You are going to stop acting like an angry little girl and start acting like the powerful mom you are in this family. You are going to stop focusing on who doing what wrong and who watching who eat like a slob at the table and start focusing on family communication, roles, behavior consequences and husband/wife counsel time prior to any situation being handled. You need a family pact to follow. A code of ethics and rules and love in this family. You need to rebuild your marriage. It is about to fail and that would be tragic for all concerned. You all have a part in this turmoil, not just hubby who yells too much, because he hasn't learned to discipline in any other way. You are going to stop jumping in between and wait for the outcome and then put junior in front of the TV while you and your husband discuss what happened, without arguing in front of junior, in detail. You do not, and I mean, do not, undermined your marriage or husband at any time. You have a responsibility to make this work. You brought this man into your life. You son is learning how to handle his life from watching you. What example are you showing him right now? Get a third party to listen to all sides if necessary. Tell your husband that he isn't the only one who sees the problems with his son and that fighting this war alone is a losing cause. You all must work toward the right solution. You husband must learn to cooperate in a communicative fashion with you and stop the yelling, face-making, anger, directing and name-calling. You tell your husband that those types of behaviors are deal-breakers. You know what that means? Right? Do them again, and it's over. You need to stop the nagging, jumping in front, accusations, name-calling, cut-downs, quoting, etc. What are you gaining from all the anger? Nothing, but the feeling that your are right and winning. Those feeling do not prolong a life of love, commitment and understanding in a marriage and family. Let go of being right and get with what works. And do, go back to counseling. Resist the urge to jump in and decimate. Remember and discuss later under less emotionally charged circumstances. Good luck. Let me know if my facts are off/wrong and talk so more about this situation in parts or parcel. Bye Bye. Mike.

Hello there, good mom. Just realize that it is hard to have a 20 month old and an 8 year old at the same time. Pat yourself on the back each day you survive. I admire you greatly. Now, onto our problem. You describe a great many problems and or issues. I'll list the problem in paraphrased form and throw out steps to squash a bit of it. Of course, read Dr. Phil's "Family First" That book deals with all of these problems. Check out the book "Raising Respectful Children in a Disrespectful World" found at Dr. Laura's web site also. Please do not consider my suggestions only. A lot of this community will offer you help and solutions. I am only one voice.

1. Stealing. Simple. Every time she steals something she loses the priviledge to use that item. Even if she has the item. If she steal food, that food item is off limits for 1 to 2 months, without exception. If school serves that item (check their menu) she stays home that day and doesn't get any of said item, even from your parents and friends. No exceptions at all. If she has money, she must pay back the value of the item three-fold. If she has allowance or items you can sell to cover the cost of the stolen item, you sell such items to replace the lost/stolen item. You inform her of this consequence and make no other speeches. If she steals, you react. She has brought this consequence upon herself. You are only enforcing family policy.

2. Loses items. All kids lose stuff. If you make a tremedous deal out of it, you will be driving your kid and yourself mad. Forget about small items kids lose. It happens. If, however, she is losing expensive items of hers or of yours, you must remind your daughter that there are consequences for that irresponsibility. First, if she loses her back pack all the time, for example, she gets no replacement backpack for 2 to 3 months. She can not even use her spare back pack. She carries a plastic bag or uses a blanket to wrap up and carry items to school or friends. She can carry things in pockets or in her hands. If she loses shoes or other aritcles of clothing, do not purchase replacement items for quite some time. If she loses other household members items she is banned from using any items belonging to said household member until she proves she is responsible with other's belongings. Period. No exceptions. She can't even use your comb. Her hair will just be messy. If she loses the remote, no tv. If she loses the cordless phone, no phone priviledges for a perscribed period of time, say 2 weeks. Stick to your restrictions and don't give in.

3. Lying. Discuss with your daughter why lying ruins her reputation and make you not trust what she says. Explain that every lie makes believing her more difficult and that you can not offer her a better standard of living as long as she lies and does not show honor and respect in communicating. She is learning an important lesson in life: liars are despised and treated with little regard. Let her know she will have to work very hard to convince you that she is telling the truth. Reward her every time she tells the truth. Even if the truth is hard to swallow. Start off by making a rule that goes like this: When you tell me the truth, I will not punish you. I will correct and teach you the appropriate thing to do, but because of your honesty, I will not put you on restrictions.

4. Destructiveness. Take her to see a therapist as soon as possible. Destructiveness is a child's way of crying out for help. She may be experiencing mental and emotional or physical problems that need a professional's help. Usually, deliberately destructive acts are punishable by time-outs, corner time, room time (empty room) early bed time (5 pm) loss of all priviledges (tv, outside, toys, games, friends, interaction with others in family).

5. Poor listening. Has she been tested for her hearing and sight? Is she ADHD? Do you practice listening skills with her? Play the remember game. Ex. As you drive, tell her to remember three nice things she saw and three bad things she saw. Talk about them. Teach her not to interrupt others. Flip the scrip. Let her get annoyed at you not listening to her requests for a day or two. Have her write a essay on how fustrating it was. Use dinner time to teach listening skills.

6. Bad behavior in School. Have her tested for learning disorders first, ADHD, etc. Talk to her teachers and counselor. Make sure that she isn't the victim of bullies and or other threats. Is she eating right in the morning? Is she getting adequate rest at night, say 10 hours of sleep? Is your house noisy, have lots of yelling and fighting, tension or anger, financial issues? Environmental issues affect children drastically. Do you take corrective action for each instance she breaks school rules, without exception? Do you take off work, if need be, to check on her behavior in school and at home?

7. Disorganized. Teach her. Practice with her. Loving show her the principals by hand and example. Don't expect miracles. 8 year olds are not very organized by nature. She will either will a slob or a neat freak by in large and you will not be able to impact this unless you stress everyone out. Lay off her. Who cares if all her books are in the wrong place. You want her to grow up, well...stop babying her. Let her make some decisions about where she wants and keeps things. She's got to learn to manage her life eventually.

8. Messy. Lol. Come on. She's 8, not 18. Read 7 again. If her room is horrible, have her clean it up before she does anything else that day. If she doesn't do it, she doesn't do anything that day. If she make a mess in the family rooms, she must immediately clean it up and if she gripes and complains about doing so, she is banned from engaging in activities in that area until she accepts responsibility for her actions and behaviors and projects.

9. Defiant. Give her a bigger voice in the family structure. Open up the lines of communication. If she gets too wild and crazy, remind her that you will only accept her very best behavior and not what she was just doing. You have come to know she is a beautiful and wonderful child and you will only allow beautiful and wonderful words to come out of her mouth in regards to you, unless she is venting and or explaining a problem, talking things out with you, etc. She treats you like you matter. You treat her like she matters.

10. Temper tantrums, back-talking, disrespectful responses, snotty talk, mean-spirited comments. These are control tactics. Do not play along. You do not respond to infantile behavior of any kind and you do not bend to the will of a child. You are the adult. ACT LIkE ONE! I like to laugh when I hear a ridiculous comment sent my direction by my step-daughter. I don't let her jab my cranium. When she asks for ice-cream at midnight I laugh and tell her it's back to bed and "Nice try!" Wake up and smell the coffee. You are in charge. Not your daughter. You call the shots. She can either be in favor or against your shots called. If the comment made contains dialogue that is against family rules and code of conduct (yes, you need family rules and a code of conduct made up immediately) she is in trouble and has given herself consequences of her own making. You are not the bad guy. Stop acting like the bad guy. Stop treating her like she is the bad guy. There are things your family does and does not do. She must comply or face consequences, without fail on your part and offer no negotiation on broken rules. Negotiation occurs prior, when you are designing, with the entire family, your codes and rules.

11. Wetting. This is a common occurence when child is undergoing some emotinal, mental or physical problem. Take her to see her pediatrician and ask her questions in a kind way. Do not belittle or make fun of her or hyper-focus on the behavior, even if you think it is on purpose. Child speak in different ways than you and I. If she thinks wetting will get your attention, she will use it a lot. Research. Talk to other parents. Make friends with your family doctor and see her more often. Get your threapist online, fast as you can. Stop the drama and yelling and anger. Spanking will not help. Most of these behaviors are communication. Just, not the communication you would have liked. Each behavior has a fuel that makes it go and a cause.

12. Lazy. Understand this...Clearly, being lazy is a point of perspective. Some people watch tv for 1 hour a week and feel lazy. Others feel that not exercising 20 hours a week is lazy. So, throw this word away. It isn't useful. If your daughter is done with homework, chores, etc, let her goof off. Set reasonalbe limits to tv, video games, friends, internet, toys, games, etc. Balance and time manage with your daughter so that she is well-rounded and socially challenged and successful. Do not label, just observe and ask questions and listen to answers.