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Topic : Things That Worked For Us

Number of Replies: 232
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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:51:05 pm
Author : dataimport
Has one method of discipline worked really well for you? Don't keep it a secret - share it with us!

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January 6, 2008, 5:20 pm CST

ideas

Quote From: amother1

My 3 year old yells at me and screams when ever I say we need to go to sleep. Actually he does it when ever he doesn't want to do something. I have no idea how to get him to go to sleep. He sometimes hits me and I yell at him to tell him to stop hitting me and he just yells back.  I am a single mom now for a year and a half and it hasn't gotten any better. He doesn't have a designated room because his room is basically storage and he sleeps with me for now.  I don't beleive in hitting him but how can I get him to do what I want without spanking him? I take away his toys and his spiderman which is his prize posession right now. Any advice would be great.

I have a son who is just like that! I have started a treasure box. The box can contain either stickers for a behavior board that he can help you make or it can have toys in there say like from a Dollar Store. Just fill it up. Let him help you either make the box or purchase on. While you are doind this activity together explain to him that this treasure box is being made because you feel that you think that when he doesn't yell or scream he will be able to have his pick from the box. Believe me the taking away the toys only works if he can not see them nor have an idea where they are. Also try one hour ahead of bedhead time telling him calmly and looking at him on his level honey you have one hour before bed is there anything you would like do or have a snack.

The biggest thing is to find a room just for him. Other wise he will try to make right next to you his spot forever.

 
January 7, 2008, 7:48 am CST

Disciplin or punishment

Hello!  I have an eight year old daughter.  I've always had weak relationship with her in terms of getting her to listen to me or just having a smooth relationship.  I know that being her mother that I can not always be her friend, but it is important to me that she knows she can come to me with anything that she needs to talk about.  Her father and I had a very very rocky relationship, and unfortunately I stayed way to long.  I did alot of yelling in the past 8 years, and have been trying to remain calm in situations with her.  My biggest problem with her is that I cannot get her to listen.  I always end up threatning to punish her either by: being sent to bed, not tv, no toys.  Nothing works.  I do respect her, and I would like her to respect me.  She is pretty spoiled because she is the only child, and I have shown her how she is spoiled by comparing her to either her cousins or even sometimes her friends.  One of her biggests hurts is that she does not have a sibling.  All of her cousins have one or more than on siblings.  So this is my biggest reason that I spoil her the way I do.  I guess I am trying to compensate for her loss. 

 

If anyone out there is in or has been in a similar situation, and have found some solutions to these problems, please send me a reply.

 

Thanks.

 

Overwhelmedmom

 
January 10, 2008, 9:23 pm CST

Things That Worked For Us

Quote From: overwhelmedmom

Hello!  I have an eight year old daughter.  I've always had weak relationship with her in terms of getting her to listen to me or just having a smooth relationship.  I know that being her mother that I can not always be her friend, but it is important to me that she knows she can come to me with anything that she needs to talk about.  Her father and I had a very very rocky relationship, and unfortunately I stayed way to long.  I did alot of yelling in the past 8 years, and have been trying to remain calm in situations with her.  My biggest problem with her is that I cannot get her to listen.  I always end up threatning to punish her either by: being sent to bed, not tv, no toys.  Nothing works.  I do respect her, and I would like her to respect me.  She is pretty spoiled because she is the only child, and I have shown her how she is spoiled by comparing her to either her cousins or even sometimes her friends.  One of her biggests hurts is that she does not have a sibling.  All of her cousins have one or more than on siblings.  So this is my biggest reason that I spoil her the way I do.  I guess I am trying to compensate for her loss. 

 

If anyone out there is in or has been in a similar situation, and have found some solutions to these problems, please send me a reply.

 

Thanks.

 

Overwhelmedmom

I can sympathise with you here.  But as a mom of six I can tell you from experience that it will only get worse if you don'tchange it.  The biggest flag I see in your message is that you threaten to punish.  If you say it you have to do it.  There will be a few hard weeks.  In the beginnin she wont beleive to.  But here is something to hang on to.  It establishes trust.  I have seen my teenagers beleive me on the big issues because I always kept my word.  Another thing dont compound your guilt about your family life by notgiving her the tools to be succuessful. 

 

Sorry if this sounds preachy.  I really am giving this advice out of love.  I enjoy my family so much and want everyone else to be this happy.

 
January 25, 2008, 2:20 pm CST

Things That Worked For Us

Quote From: amother1

My 3 year old yells at me and screams when ever I say we need to go to sleep. Actually he does it when ever he doesn't want to do something. I have no idea how to get him to go to sleep. He sometimes hits me and I yell at him to tell him to stop hitting me and he just yells back.  I am a single mom now for a year and a half and it hasn't gotten any better. He doesn't have a designated room because his room is basically storage and he sleeps with me for now.  I don't beleive in hitting him but how can I get him to do what I want without spanking him? I take away his toys and his spiderman which is his prize posession right now. Any advice would be great.

Hey there,

 

I started down this same road with my at the time 2 year old daughter. Now shes almost 2 and a half. A suggestion that I got from my mother in law was this. 1) make a plan and stick to it. I mean really stick to it, you have to try something for at least 7 days in order to see if it will work. 2) Make bedtime special. Come up with a routine and stick to it. For my daughter it goes like this a) give a nice warm bath allow for a lot of play time, usually we do this around 6ish.b) ten minute warning " okay faith in ten minutes its time for cuddles." c) cuddles, where we talk about her day, what did she do, what did she like, did she have fun, who was she with, ect... i ask the questions and she answers, this starts a open dialouge with her d) next its time to brush her teeth, d) then we lay in bed and i give her a hug and a kiss, then I tell her its time for bed.

 

Now to augment this, i also started building up her bedroom, to her.  I was SUPER enthusiastic about her bedroom and her bed, i said things like " wow faith what a great room you have. " IT sure is cool in here." "wow! look at that a big girl bed of your very own. " look at all the princess on your wall.. man this is so great." Keep in mind that I used this super super happy voice and excited inflection. 

 

The most important thing is that I kept my temper and in the first couple of days when she would repeatedly get out of bed, or scream at me, or throw things, i would give her NO attention. when i picked her up and put her back into bed, i wouldn't even make eye contacts. for the first two times I would say " faith its bed time now, i love you goodnight. the second time she was up I would say " faith its bedtime." third time, i would say ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I wouldn't even react or look at her, thus she got NOTHING from getting out of bed. The key to this, is consistencey! if you don't stick to the routine, nothing will get better... believe me, its a form of classical conditioning and somewhere along the line i was allowing faith to get away with things and thus conditioning her to believe that she could extend or stop her bedtime.

 

so once she goes to bed, and the last kiss is given , she does not get ANYTHING else... for instance, if she asks for water, she does not get it, because she doesn't really need water she just wants to keep me around and her up longer. soon she learns to ask for water before bed.. and she does... she used to try anything to get me to stay "like, i need water, i want daddy, I want teddy, i'm hungry, i need more hugs.. ect ... " don't get me wrong, before the last kiss she really gets whatever she needs, but after she now knows its bed and nothing more until after she has slept.

 

anyways i hope this helps. but believe me, you have to stick with this, because it will be worth it.

 

The first night i implemented these rules i had to put her back into bed, probably 40 times, the second night 20 times, the 3rd night twice and since then its so nice and relaxing and great at bedtime. That is as long as I have been sticking to the routine, every once in a while she decides to try again and of course i need to reassert the rules, but believe me, my life now and then are two completely two different things and how happy i am about it!!!!

 

 

Someone once said, " anything good is worth working for. " believe me, parenting like anything else is good hard rewarding work!

 

Cheers,

 

sabrina

 
January 27, 2008, 3:59 pm CST

Need help

I really need help with my 3 year old,
1 wont go to sleep unless she will fall asleep by the tv on her own time,
2 she will do everything i will tell her to do
3 If i ask to go and get something she will reply " I CAN"T"
4 Rolls her eyes at me and gives me attitude al the time, i tried taking her toys away, tv, etc.
Even pop on rear doesn't help
My husband tells me to introduce her to belt but i don't believe that pain would do,
Every time we go to the store i HAVE TO buy her at least one candy to avoid THE SHOW,
Please help,
She got out of control, and seems like i can't change anything anymore, i took her to my mom for few month last year and now wen she gets upset ( very often) she is telling me that she loves my mom more then me and she will go to her if i won't let her do what she wants
Thank you
 
January 30, 2008, 3:03 pm CST

be you own hero

Quote From: ellybail25

I really need help with my 3 year old,
1 wont go to sleep unless she will fall asleep by the tv on her own time,
2 she will do everything i will tell her to do
3 If i ask to go and get something she will reply " I CAN"T"
4 Rolls her eyes at me and gives me attitude al the time, i tried taking her toys away, tv, etc.
Even pop on rear doesn't help
My husband tells me to introduce her to belt but i don't believe that pain would do,
Every time we go to the store i HAVE TO buy her at least one candy to avoid THE SHOW,
Please help,
She got out of control, and seems like i can't change anything anymore, i took her to my mom for few month last year and now wen she gets upset ( very often) she is telling me that she loves my mom more then me and she will go to her if i won't let her do what she wants
Thank you

Hey There,

 

so heres the thing, shes 3, right? I hope you don't take what I have to say in the wrong way. What I am about to say may sound harsh, but I am only telling you so that you can see why shes behaving this whay, change YOUR behaviour and she WILL change hers! Okay, lets get started.

 

First shes 3, not 12, so we know that she doesn't really mean what she says about your mother. She can't really understand that type of complex emotion. What we do KNOW is that she KNOWS for certain saying those words causes YOU great pain and it allows her to get more of what she wants. The problem here is not your little girl, but rather how your responding to her demands. Children learn to manipulate at a very young age, to get what they want. It starts out as babys and continues to grow as they get older.

 

When your child starts to throw a tantrum in a store you must 1) give the child a warning. in a low steady voice say  ex " faith if you start to act up i will take you from the store and put you in your car seat in the car for 3 minutes." when she acts up, because she will, you drop everything and immediatly take her to the car and FOLLOW through on your threat! - this is crucial, if you fail to follow through then you teach your child that their behaviour is acceptable.

 

For bed time, see the note that I wrote to the lady below on the page. If you follow through and continue to insist that she goes to bed and obeys you when she is told,. SHE WILL listen. but if you give in, EVEN once, you will have a much harder time the next time you try the back to bed technique.

 

if she says she can't do something but you KNOW that she is physically capable and understands you then you know she is just saying that so she doesn't have to listen to you. again, using the time out technique should be employed in this situation. If the child refuses to stay in time out and throws a great tantrum, i use the cold shower as a means of calming them down and staying in control. I always give ONE only! WARNING about the cold shower and then in the child goes. It takes literally TWO SECONDs to stop a tantrum that would normally take 15 minutes, the cold water will NOT give them a cold, it will NOT make them sick, it WILL NOT hurt them, so long as exposure is kept to a minimum, be sure to ask your doctor and NOT take my word for it.

 

What i am wondering here the most is why you have allowed her to act this way?- something has kept you from staying firm. I don't know what it is, but you must follow through, you must stop this behaviour NOW. If you think this is bad, wait until your girl is a teen.

 

*** please note, the time out ideas and bed time ideas have been taken from supernanny in part and some parts are made by myself in my own experience with my two kids.I am in no way suggesting that you take my advice without doing your own research and due diligence.***

 

cheers,

 

sabrina 

 
February 2, 2008, 2:07 am CST

Thank you

Quote From: faithadelle

Hey There,

 

so heres the thing, shes 3, right? I hope you don't take what I have to say in the wrong way. What I am about to say may sound harsh, but I am only telling you so that you can see why shes behaving this whay, change YOUR behaviour and she WILL change hers! Okay, lets get started.

 

First shes 3, not 12, so we know that she doesn't really mean what she says about your mother. She can't really understand that type of complex emotion. What we do KNOW is that she KNOWS for certain saying those words causes YOU great pain and it allows her to get more of what she wants. The problem here is not your little girl, but rather how your responding to her demands. Children learn to manipulate at a very young age, to get what they want. It starts out as babys and continues to grow as they get older.

 

When your child starts to throw a tantrum in a store you must 1) give the child a warning. in a low steady voice say  ex " faith if you start to act up i will take you from the store and put you in your car seat in the car for 3 minutes." when she acts up, because she will, you drop everything and immediatly take her to the car and FOLLOW through on your threat! - this is crucial, if you fail to follow through then you teach your child that their behaviour is acceptable.

 

For bed time, see the note that I wrote to the lady below on the page. If you follow through and continue to insist that she goes to bed and obeys you when she is told,. SHE WILL listen. but if you give in, EVEN once, you will have a much harder time the next time you try the back to bed technique.

 

if she says she can't do something but you KNOW that she is physically capable and understands you then you know she is just saying that so she doesn't have to listen to you. again, using the time out technique should be employed in this situation. If the child refuses to stay in time out and throws a great tantrum, i use the cold shower as a means of calming them down and staying in control. I always give ONE only! WARNING about the cold shower and then in the child goes. It takes literally TWO SECONDs to stop a tantrum that would normally take 15 minutes, the cold water will NOT give them a cold, it will NOT make them sick, it WILL NOT hurt them, so long as exposure is kept to a minimum, be sure to ask your doctor and NOT take my word for it.

 

What i am wondering here the most is why you have allowed her to act this way?- something has kept you from staying firm. I don't know what it is, but you must follow through, you must stop this behaviour NOW. If you think this is bad, wait until your girl is a teen.

 

*** please note, the time out ideas and bed time ideas have been taken from supernanny in part and some parts are made by myself in my own experience with my two kids.I am in no way suggesting that you take my advice without doing your own research and due diligence.***

 

cheers,

 

sabrina 

Thank you very much for your reply,
The BIG reason why she is like this i know is my fault, since she was baby i could never let her cry and so on. Little later her dad went to IRAQ and i felt bad, cuz we are moving from place to place, she lost her FIRST BFF, so i let it slide. And now i cant take control.
We use to have time outs but when she got to my moms they never did it.
I did tried bed time like you said, but she will get hysterical.
And about cold shower? just put her straight to shower or something.
Once again, thank you so much
 
February 5, 2008, 11:09 am CST

parenting

Quote From: ellybail25

I really need help with my 3 year old,
1 wont go to sleep unless she will fall asleep by the tv on her own time,
2 she will do everything i will tell her to do
3 If i ask to go and get something she will reply " I CAN"T"
4 Rolls her eyes at me and gives me attitude al the time, i tried taking her toys away, tv, etc.
Even pop on rear doesn't help
My husband tells me to introduce her to belt but i don't believe that pain would do,
Every time we go to the store i HAVE TO buy her at least one candy to avoid THE SHOW,
Please help,
She got out of control, and seems like i can't change anything anymore, i took her to my mom for few month last year and now wen she gets upset ( very often) she is telling me that she loves my mom more then me and she will go to her if i won't let her do what she wants
Thank you

Who is the parent here??  You have to take control now, or you'll really have your hands full as your child gets older...especially with  the adolescent hormones kick in...

 

1.  Take the TV out of your daughter's room!!  Try using a radio or CD player with soothing music...one with automatic shut-off.  Have a set bedtime routine...start early...snack...warm bath...story in bed...kiss goodnight...lights out and music...the imortant thing isn't whether she falls asleep quickly...the important thing is that she stay in her room after lights out...our kids wanted to get up for drinks and potty...we gave them each three tickets allowing them to get up briefly...after the tickets were used up...no more getting up unless it was an emergency.

 

2.  Will or won't do as she is told??...not clear on this one by your comment...clear and consistent consequences appropriate to her age...you're right, spanking does nothing...don't resort to a belt...it will just cause more drama...time out is the best option...or a nap...tired kids have a way of not doing what they're told...

 

3.  The "I Can't" stage...you might have to get up off your rear and "show" her that she CAN do it...is this your only child...or perhaps the youngest??  Your daughter needs to learn now that she CAN...but if it is fetching for you, she might be getting the message that if you can't get it for yourself, why should she?...show her by example to be self-sufficient...My nine year old tries the "I Can't" thing once in awhile...doesn't work for him...it's got to be a constant with the kids that YOU WIN...not them...kids will continue to test their parents until the day they leave home...it really gives them security to know that you care enough to enforce the consequences of their actions...even a three year old can understand this...just keep the consequences immediate and age-appropriate...saying "I can"t" doesn't warrant a time out...SHOW your daughter how, but don't do it for her...and let her learn by example.

 

4.  Three year olds respond better to a time out...rolling her eyes and giving you attitude...you are teaching her how to act with you...she is manipulating you, and you are allowing it..instant time out works well...be sure to put her in a place that doesn't have toys or TV to entertain her...one minute for each year of age...so a three year old gets three minutes in time out...enforce that she stay where you put her, even if you have to hold her there for the entire three minutes.  Another thing that works for attitute is a "do-over"...make her repeat the words or actions the RIGHT way...kids don't like that, and they will soon learn how to act  the first time around.

 

YOU are the boss...but when you go to the store, make sure that your daughter has been fed, been to the potty, and has had her nap before you go...a tired and hungry child is more likely to throw a tantrum...I learned this the hard way with my oldest son when he was little...I see it all the time in the grocery store...I feel for those moms.  I say IGNORE the melt-down if you are in the middle of paying for your grocer...don't give in and buy treats for tantrums.  I used to buy animal crackers to have for snacks, and if the kids were good in the store, they would get to have some when we got to the car. 

 

If the melt-down happens while you are shopping, drop everything, park the cart and go out to the car for your daughter to calm down...if she hasn't eaten, give her one of the snacks that you have brought with you before you go into the store...hopefully, you travel with food for your daughter...something non-perishable, like small packages of crackers, or a snack bag with cereal, plus some juice boxes...it is best to prevent the melt-down from happening in the first place.

 

My sister's daughter had a lot of melt-downs, in spite of her best efforts to prevent them...she bought a tape recorder and taped them...at the next one, she challenged her to be louder and longer than the last one...this was for the at-home melt-downs that happend for reasons other than hunger, etc...this same little girl also had a "screaming pillow"...she could go to her room and scream as loud and as long as she wanted to...into the pillow, and she could hit the pillow and throw it all she wanted...but not hit or throw anything else.

 

Since you have already established the pattern that a temper tantrum in the store will get her candy, you've got your work cut out for you...spell out the rules ahead of time, and stick to them.  As our kids got too big for the shopping cart, and they had to walk, I had a kid leash that attached to a belt loop on the back of their pants...if they tried to wander, or didn't hold onto the cart, they got the leash...even up to age 8...how embarrassing for them...they learned quickly that MOM had a kid leash and wasn't afraid to use it!!

 

My rule still is...MOM WINS...always...my kids are now 19, 14, and 9...and I'm the boss...so is DAD...we stick together and don't allow manipulation.  We expect the kids to do what they are told...those are the rules...we still have the normal problems associated with kids of their ages...nobody is perfect...but you need to get your daughter under control NOW and show her who is boss...it won't happen overnight, but you will see changes if you stick to your rules.

 

Younger kids learn from their older siblings...if this is your oldest child, and you are planning on having more, be prepared for the rest to act just like the older one...better teach her to be a GOOD example for her younger siblings.

 

Grandma need to learn to help you set limits...if she runs to grandma, it must be because grandma will let her get away with it...grandma needs to be on the same page as you...have a talk with her and tell her what you expect...you teach grandma how to treat you too...your daughter doesn't really love grandma more than you...she just knows how to push your buttons...be firm and don't get your feelings hurt...she's only three.

 

I've written a book here...been there, done that...Becky 

 
February 20, 2008, 3:02 pm CST

sorry it took so long for the reply.

Quote From: ellybail25

Thank you very much for your reply,
The BIG reason why she is like this i know is my fault, since she was baby i could never let her cry and so on. Little later her dad went to IRAQ and i felt bad, cuz we are moving from place to place, she lost her FIRST BFF, so i let it slide. And now i cant take control.
We use to have time outs but when she got to my moms they never did it.
I did tried bed time like you said, but she will get hysterical.
And about cold shower? just put her straight to shower or something.
Once again, thank you so much

Hey There

 

sorry i haven't replied lately. I forgot to check the boards. Anyways with the cold shower its like the time out, you give ONE and ONLY ONE warning and then you take her straight to the shower, put her in * fully clothed is most effective* and turn it on, you only turn it off when she agrees to behave. This should only take like 10 seconds.. unless shes immune to cold. But yeah it should work.

 

you can e-mail me at star_magic80@hotmail.com if you need anything else.

 

Love,

 

sabrina

 
March 10, 2008, 4:00 pm CDT

Desperate in need of help !

I have a 3 year old daughter and i was a single parent. One year ago i met my fiance and his 2 boys. The problem is that now with all three kids it is crazy. My fiance's boys are totally out of control. They are 5 and 6 The 6 year old is slightly mentally handicapped and has the mental capacity of about a 3 year old. And the 5 year old learned everything from him so it is like having a house of 3 year olds. On top of it all the life they use to live was terrable and they had no supervision and NO disipline what so ever. And now i basically have to start from scratch in raising them which in turn my daughter is warping into a little monster like the other two...dont get me wrong i love these boys but there is no teaching them anything they are stuck on what they use to be able to do and that was anything and everything when ever they wanted. And unfortunatly my fiance works nights so he is never home to see what goes on and and doenst really help with the kids and so when he does get home its like all of the things that i have done through the day goes right ou the door when he does get home cuse he spoils them. Let me give you an example. the 5 year old has a very bad whining problem. You look at him wrong and he will whine, but thats just one thing, but we had got a new fish tank and of course stupid me should have waited till the kids were at least 10 and older. But, he had dumped chemical into the water, so he did get punished for that. the next day he got caught putting things into the tank and got punished for it then one morning i wake up. he is already awake it's like 6:30am...... but he is in his closet with a piece of cardboard laying on the floor and my fish net and afish from the tank laying on the card board. I woke up his father and made him deal with it cause i was so mad...and while i was cleaning it up in the net was 2 MORE FISH !!!!!!   So its like no matter how many times he got in trouble for the same thing and how many times we tell him he just keeps at it. Its like he's literally deaf!!  there are so many things we told him time and time agian not to do but yet he will some way or another do it anyways. So please any advise or should i actually seek pyhscology for the children or i don't know what else to do.........
 
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