Topic : Things That Worked For Us

my son didn't know i wasn't feeling well and unable to go to work last night....so, as I arrived from my hospital visit,his door was locked.  I assumed it was accidently locked when he closed it before leaving that evening. As I walked upstairs to look for the key, i heard a knock on the window,so I turned around to go back to his room and the door was suddenly unlocked and two bags with female cosmetics and clothes,my son was nowhere to be found.  I waited in his room with the lights on,since I thought they might return for their belongings,and they did.  He begged me to allow the young lady to spend the night,just this once and he'd never ask me again. I told him I couldn't do that,but that I would give her a ride home.  He said no,he didn't want that. So I gave him 2 choices. 1).Take her home and say goodnight. or 2).Find a bench somewhere and freeze your bottom.  He chose to freeze last night with her.  I locked the doors tight. By the way he is 16yrs.old. 

Ok, I am totally out of ideas, and out of my mind....so here goes!!!! 

I have a 16 yr old daughter and a 10 yr old son with ADHD.  He is the biggest problem right now.  He lies, and about the stupidest (is that a word)? things.  It is never a serious issue that he lies about, but constantly feels the need to lie.  He also not only wets his bed almost nightly, but will even wet his clothes, simply because he won't get up to go.  He will hold it for hours and hours, until he finally can't hold it anymore, and WHAM!!!!!!   I have tried EVERYTHING.....I have taken things away, I have grounded him....just last year he even used to do it in school....until the teacher and I decided that if he did it again she would not try to "hide" it for him, and if he was asked by friends why he was washing his chair, he would have to tell them the truth, never happened again.  I have tried that with him here as well, but he honestly doesn't care about anything!!!!!!  If I take everything away, he doesn't care for any longer than maybe an hour..tops. 

Just last night he did the same thing, playing in his room and wet his pants.  I told him the last time, if he did it again that I was using Dr. Phil's idea of removing everything from his room.  That is going to happen today.  I hope it works. He is on medication for the ADHD, and it seems to help him for the most part in school, but the bed wetting etc was NEVER  a problem until meds were started.  Even at the age of 4 or 5, he would always get up in the night to go.  Could it be the meds????  I have even tried the embarrass tactic....with friends etc., but for some reason it doesn't work, his answer, "I don't care".   

I have bought Dr. Lawlis' book, The ADHD Answer, and started reading it myself.  The problem I have is that nobody else in my family will read it, my daughter or my hubby will not participate.  How do I use the techniques in the book by myself??  I can't start to "parent " him differently just to have them undermine what I am doing.  I will admit, I have lost my temper on quite a few occasions, and while I will never hit my kids, I have done some severe yelling......and I am really ashamed of it.  I am totally out of answers.   

My daughter and him can't seem to ever be civil for longer than 5 minutes, and he will purposely start arguements.  He will try to tell me or my husband how he is going to do something....HIS WAY, and he doesn't care what we say.  We will consistently turn that around, and not allow him to tell us what to do, or how to do it.  Then, he throws a tantrum....."fine, then I am not going to do..... until you let me do....".  Never works, but the only way I can get around that one is to yell right back at him.  He will not listen, to anyone or anything.  He has no idea of what respect means.   

I honestly can see my son in prison when he gets older, not just because of the issues above (believe me there are a TON more ), but because he genuinely doesn't care about anyone or anything.  I am also disabled, and he will really act out on a "bad" day....like he wants to make things harder for me.  He is one of the main sources of tension daily in the house, someone is always yelling, arguing or punishing him. 

I have tried everything with this kid, and I am honestly on the edge......I have even considered either me leaving them with hubby, and walking out for good, or putting him in foster care.  It sounds horrible, and I don't want to do that....I honestly love my kids, I just don't like his behaviour.  I feel like the biggest failure, and the worst mother in the world.....I should know how to deal with my own child, but I don't, and that is a horrible feeling.   

Any ideas, or even words of wisdom, just someone to say "been there" would be a big improvement!!!!! 

Thanks for listening!!!!! 

Just as I get things going really well with my son, another stressor pops up!!!!  My hubby and my eldest are constantly at odds, except he NEVER says anything to her, he always comes to me!!!!  I guess I should clarify, he is her stepfather, she hasn't seen her biological father in about 6 years.  Anyways, hubby never punishes her, never does anything except maybe say something like "Put your coat on".....(it is cool I guess to walk around in freezing temperatures without one).  She doesn't listen to him because he doesn't do anything about it, except come to me and expect me to punish her.  This coat thing has been an ongoing issue, she has been sick NON STOP since winter started, and just doesn't get it!!!!  There are other issues as well, but right now this is the one hubby brought me again.  Now, he expects me to ground her, or something....but he won't!!!!  Why am I  the ONLY adult in this house who does any kind of discipline???  All he does is walk in the door from work, start yelling at my son....whining about my daughter not doing "whatever", and then it is all me!!!!!  If I tell her to do something, she does it....she knows my rules and expectations, but she walks all over him because she can.  I tried to explain that to him last night for the 100th time, you think maybe he will get it this time???????? 

Thanks for letting me vent.....I am just getting so sick of all this turmoil and chaos, doesn't help with my illnesses at all!!!!!!! 

Tammy 

I have two children - a son 5 and a daughter 3.  I am a stay at home mom and my husband works long hours.  Unfortunately, that means I deal with most of the kids affairs on my own.  I went back to work when I was pregnant with my 3 year old.  I had always been with my son up until my first day back to work ( mean every second up until).  At first I had a nanny but quickly realized that wasn't going to work.  I soon put him into daycare and the first days were rough but he seemed to adapted pretty well.  He would get into some trouble with other kids over toys and such but the teachers always told me it was not him that started it.  When my daughter was born he got mad at me,  He would not address me at all and actually gave me the silent treatment for a few days.  He told me he was fine living with his grandma ( mind you he was 27 months old at the time)  My daughter stayed in the hospital for a week or so due to complications and even though he came to the hospital and spend time with me I guess he felt left out.  He never acted bothered by his sisters' presence.  In fact, he was always so proud to have her He was just mad at me .  He would brag to his friends at school and when she began daycare with his the teachers told me he would watch over her.  When she was about one I was laid-off at work and my husband and I decided it would be best if I just stayed home.  My son has always been strong willed but lately he has really taken off with this attitude thing.    Both my kids are wonderful, they are smart, charismatic and friendly.  Lately my son is acting like he hates me!  He challenges just about everything I say.  If I ask him to do something (i.e clean up) he gives me attitude...like - I' ll do it but I don't have to like it.  If it's toys he's picking up he'll though them into the toy chest or in my general direction, etc.  He'll tell me he hates me and that I like his sister more than I do him.  Up until now I felt I was dividing my time effectively between the house work , the errands and two children I mean come-on...  Their dad is wonderful.  He is a good provider and a caring husband and father but he is not the "toss the ball" type.  I guess he feels that providing is what he does and that's enough.  Don't get me wrong he does spend time with the kids.  We eat dinner together every night and once in awhile will read to them but mostly its watching TV then off to bed.  I try time outs but I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place.  My son is a crier and a screamer and when I put him in time out he will scream bloody murder.  He is five so I use the one minute per year rule and I explain to him that I start counting when he calms down.  He will scream at the top of his lungs or throw himself on the floor and go into a full blown tantrum until he falls asleep then when he wakes up he'll pick up right where he left off.  I live in a condo and I can only imaging what the neighbors think...I mean my son will scream "I don't want to be alone , when are you going to let me out and all at the top of his lungs as if I was holding hostage or something.  He will do it in stores, in the car in the middle of a parking lot it doesn't matter to him.  The worst part is I know he has picked up on the fact it makes me crazy.  People look at me like I this horrible mother that can't control her kids  and the worst part is that they are right.    I am opposed to spanking . Timeouts and the currency thing doesn't work for him.  I have emptied his room until he lets up and them the moment he gets his things back he starts again.  It like a game!  Please HELP!  P.S. My other worry is that his sister is picking his tactics and pretty soon I fear I'll be in over my head.    

 I am a single parent so I know how hard it is to divide your timebut....Have you tried spending one on one time with your son? I know this is not always possible when your husband is at work. But what worked for me when my kids was younger was to spend time with my son during his sisters nap time. If your daughter does not take naps...this also works....Put her in daycare one day a week (alot have drop in care)or in a moms day out program for a few hours. Then your son has your undivided attention. This will also work for her that way the each get to spend time with you with out their sibling. When you have a day out with your child do something fun...it does not have to be expensive pack a lunch and spend the day at the park. Let housework slide for the day if you have to.  

As far as his fit throwing..stand firm. If he throws a fit at the store. Pick him up remove him from the store, put him in the caror take him home until he calms down. Another thing I found that helped was to let my son know ahead of time what behavior I expected. But when you do this you have to keep it positive. Say something like " I know that while we are at the store I can count on you to ba a good boy and help Mommy. " Putting it like this you are getting the message across that you know he can be good...you are boosting his self esteem.  Another thing that helps is when you go places give him a jod to do. If it is the grocery store let him walk with you and help get thing of the shelf...this can also help them learn to read if you give him a simple list and have him put thing's in the basket and check them off his list. I know I keep saying do this with him...but it will also work with your daughter..you just make it simpler with her.. have her identify things by color or you can have her check things off the list (with your help) as her brother puts them in the basket. This works even when going clothes shopping even if it is for you. Give them simple tasks to do ..like finding a green shirt to go with the bluejeans. You don't have to buy the shirt but it helps keep them occupied, and trips go smoother becaue the feel like thaey have a part in it.( And if you do buy the shirt they are proud because they picked it out). I know these thing seem over simple but the really do work. If you have any questions please feel free to let me know.  If we don't help each other  and  trade ideas with each other..how will things ever get better?  Hope this works for you.   

I love the poker chip idea!!!  I have one question though...You said you freeze the right to earn or spend but what if you take away more than they earned?  I ran into this with a star chart system similar to the poker chip idea, but my daughter has a way of getting into more trouble than she ha earned points and my stepson decides he doesn't want to do anything but the required like brush teeth, hair so on and he knows he will still earn things at the end of the month.  I have talked with my dh obout this and it just seems my stepson doesn't care.  WE have tried other things before we turned to the star system but it seems to not be working eaither now.  We have tried taking things away grounding him and time outs but nothing seems to work.  He is 9 years old and spends 2 weekends a month at his moms house and gets to do whatever he want there including just sit around and eat junk food and play games.  My husband has custoday but I am the primary care giver as he works and I am a stay at home with 2 other children as well.  Does anyone have any ideas for me?? I think the poker chip might work but again what do I do when they lose more than they have earned??   

Thanks!! 

Okay I have another issue.  My husband has primary physical custody of his son.  I have sole custoday of my daughter (both are 9, 2 weeks apart in age) and we have a 2 year old together.  The problem is this.  My husbnad with punish my youngest and my daughter but when it comes to his son he pretty much lets him do what ever he wants.  The problems we have are refusing to eat, not cleaning his room, not wanting to do his homework, doesn't want to play with anyone (would rather be alone) unless he can play video games, is sneaky about getting his siblings in trouble so he is not caught, disrespects me on an everyday basis, and so on.  I could go on and on.  I am considered the primary care giver as I am home with the kids while my husband works.  I get them ready for school, off to school, to their scouts and so on.  My husband comes home and is tired and really doesn't want to deal with anything.  But will deal with my youngest and my daughter just not his son.  I have talked to him about it and he is afraid his son will want to go and live with his mom who is completely not stable in any way (house, life, is jobless, etc.) and she lets him get way with anything he wants.  Or that she will accuse us of emotinally harming him by disciplining him as she has done in the past and try and get him taken away from us.  (We have dealt with this in many ways over the past 5 years as well)  He goes there 2 weekends a month and alternates holidays.  Also she never speaks to my husband she always sends her bf to make the exchanges.  I have discussed ways of punishment such as taking things away and putting him in his room nothing works he really doesn't care.  He would rather just sit in an empty room by himself.  My dh has suggested that we talk to a therapist about dicipline options or find a book.  We have had him to see a therapist for the last 5 years but they all keep telling us that unless his mom partcipates he isn't going to change and she put it in the paperwork that we can't take him to see one unless she agrees and meets them so now we can't take him to see anyone cause she won't make the time to meet with anyone.  I have been in his life now since he was 4 he started out fine but over the past few years things have gotten rocky.  There have been some major changes at his moms that he is unhappy about but doesn't want to talk about anything.  Well I will stop for now, all I really want is to save my sanity by getting a little respect from him.  I am tired of having discussions with my dh that turn into fights I love him dearly and don't want our marrige to be damaged because of something like this. 

Thanks for all you help in advance.