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Topic : Things That Worked For Us

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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:51:05 pm
Author : dataimport
Has one method of discipline worked really well for you? Don't keep it a secret - share it with us!

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February 11, 2006, 6:41 pm CST

Things That Worked For Us

Quote From: aedmisten

My two sons, ages 10 & 8, constantly fight with each other.  They antagonize each other all the time.  As they walk to and from school, they swing their backpacks at each other, knock each other to the ground, and tackle each other.  Other passersby have stopped and told them to stop doing it to each other.  I'm not always available to watch them go to and from school, so most often I don't know it is happening.  I want it to stop!  My husband and I have had three big conversations with them so far this school year and told them to stop it, keep their hands to themselves, and walk on opposite sides of the street if they have to!  But it still continues!  How can I stop this ridiculous behavior?  They act this way in stores as well, so I usually don't take them shopping with me.  If I take only one of them, they are perfectly good.  But once they are together, all hell breaks loose!  HELP!
What is their punishment when they do this? You need to tell them when they act this way the punishment will be this. What ever they value the most you take it away. Say TV, Games, playdates, etc. They need to know when they misbehave this is what is going to happen and then make it happen. Do what you say and say what you mean for punishment. Good Luck.
 
February 13, 2006, 8:51 am CST

Dealing with blending two families

 

Hi, 

 

Maybe someone out there can come up with a solution to this problem. 

 

I have an 8 yr old son and am a widow for almost 4 years.  I have been dating someone seriously for a year now who has 3 sons ages 7, 10 &13.  They are all very nice respectful children.  The problem is that when they visit with their dad (every other weekend), the time is usually spent at my home which I have lived in since I was with my husband.   

 

My son, who I believe has adapted fairly well to the situation in regards to sharing his things, etc. , has issues with the 7 year old and they battle it out pretty badly every time they are together.  Sometimes they get along great, but when they fight, it is very bad (punching, throwing each other down, etc.)  My boyfriend seems to feel that my son is selfish in some ways when he refuses to allow the kids to play with "some" of his toys.  I feel he has a right to object to sharing some of his things as I feel we all have possessions that we would rather not share with everyone and  he seems to think that is wrong.   I told him that if my child were at their house, those children would most definitely have certain items that would be off limits to my son and he said absolutely not.  Since he doesn't live in a place that all the children could spend time at, this theory could never be applied. 

 

This is all a very difficult situation and I want to know if my child is being selfish and also how do we mend these families and stop the crazy fighting.   I try to make my boyfriend realize that my son doesn't have a dad or siblings, so he has different issues and his children (although have gone through a tramatic event - divorce) at least they still have a mother and father who care very much for them and they also have each other, so it makes things very different. 

 

Sorry this is so long.  Does anyone out there have a similar situation?  PLEASE HELP>>>>> 

 
February 14, 2006, 8:06 pm CST

son/boyfriend issues

Quote From: rdb6797

 

Hi, 

 

Maybe someone out there can come up with a solution to this problem. 

 

I have an 8 yr old son and am a widow for almost 4 years.  I have been dating someone seriously for a year now who has 3 sons ages 7, 10 &13.  They are all very nice respectful children.  The problem is that when they visit with their dad (every other weekend), the time is usually spent at my home which I have lived in since I was with my husband.   

 

My son, who I believe has adapted fairly well to the situation in regards to sharing his things, etc. , has issues with the 7 year old and they battle it out pretty badly every time they are together.  Sometimes they get along great, but when they fight, it is very bad (punching, throwing each other down, etc.)  My boyfriend seems to feel that my son is selfish in some ways when he refuses to allow the kids to play with "some" of his toys.  I feel he has a right to object to sharing some of his things as I feel we all have possessions that we would rather not share with everyone and  he seems to think that is wrong.   I told him that if my child were at their house, those children would most definitely have certain items that would be off limits to my son and he said absolutely not.  Since he doesn't live in a place that all the children could spend time at, this theory could never be applied. 

 

This is all a very difficult situation and I want to know if my child is being selfish and also how do we mend these families and stop the crazy fighting.   I try to make my boyfriend realize that my son doesn't have a dad or siblings, so he has different issues and his children (although have gone through a tramatic event - divorce) at least they still have a mother and father who care very much for them and they also have each other, so it makes things very different. 

 

Sorry this is so long.  Does anyone out there have a similar situation?  PLEASE HELP>>>>> 

The best thing would be for you to choose a calm time to discuss with your son the exact items that he has problems with sharing with the other children. There will be things that you would expect him to not want to share, personal/sentimental things, but if he also tells you other things that are not personal or sentimental, just open that up for conversation, ask him why don't you want to share those things, get him to tell you his thoughts and feelings surrounding sharing. Since he is an only child, he has never faced the issue of sharing on a daily basis, and it could be compared to 'culture shock' when the other kids are around. Tell him that certain items are to be put away , other items will be shared no matter how he feels, because its impolite to be selfish with them. (example: x-box, etc.) Your boyfriend saying that your son is selfish might sound harsh, of course no mother wants to hear that, however, consider the possibility: is it true? If so, its up to you to teach and guide him to be a better sharer. This is going to make him a better person in the long run, anyway, mom. Try not compare who has had the biggest loss or trauma in their life- because what we all want is to be treated normaly!! I wish you the best! 

 
February 14, 2006, 8:12 pm CST

Differing language or..?

Quote From: myluvandy

My husband and I brought our son home last September from Guatemala (at the time he was nineteen months old).  During the last five months he has adjusted well and has picked up quite a bit of the English language.  However, we are now entering the age of independence, meaning he has become an expert at tantrums and loves the word "No". My husband and I don't believe in spanking so we have tried other options, such as time-out and taking away his favorite television programs (which consist of a few movies and Disney programs) or toys. However, time-out works at home and when I say no "Toy Story" he just smiles and walks away, which tells me there still may be a language barrier.  If he doesn't understand what I am saying to him, than he may not realize why he is not watching a program or playing with a certain toy. I do feel he knows why he is in time-out, which is why I feel this is a success.  With that said, the second part of the problem is my husband and I's role in his behavior.  Due to the fact that he was adopted and has been through so much the first nineteen months of his life, we feel that perpetual trips into time-out may have a negative impact on him. We love him dearly and we don't want him to feel that we are rejecting him. Will this continual type of discipline have a negative effect on him? What other options do I have if he doesn't understand me when I say that I am taking something away? This holds true especially in a public place. If he throws a tantrum in the middle of the store I can't take something away because he doesn't understand, so what do I do? Example: We were at a clothing store when he had a serious meltdown, I was going to take him to a local children's eatery, but told him because of his behavior we were going home and we did. However, when I told him the punishment he just looked at me as if to say, "so what, I don't understand what you are saying to me". Does anyone have any advice as to how my husband and I should handle this situation? Your advice would be truley appreciated. Thank you in advance.     

Your son is still so young, it could be the language barrier but it could also just be typical nearly two year old behavior. My advice to you is to consult your child's pediatrician and ask him/her what their professional opinion is on this. I honestly don't think time outs are going to affect him negatively- you are giving him the time outs to teach him proper behavior, you are doing it in the spirit of good parenting, and it sounds like you are doing the right thing but you are a bit torn over what the right thing is because you keep second guessing yourself. It sounds like you are fine parents, though, and I encourage you to stop second guessing your decisions! At this young age, you need to pick your battles wisely with your child. My advice is to call your son's Dr. and discuss your concerns, you need to reach out and become more knowledgable at th is point.
 
February 17, 2006, 8:54 am CST

Don't know what to do

My oldest daughter is 10 years old. She is a good student and gets great compliments about how good she is by everyone. She is very shy and quiet and doesn't talk much to our adult friends but 

at school she has friends and the teacher just rave about how good of a student she is. My problem is: she has out burst at home only. This morning it was 32 degress and she wanted to wear a jacket to school and I told her it was too cold for a jacket and that she needed to put her coat on. We asked her several time to put it on but she didn't want too. My husband and I were getting upset because she wouldn't do it. She got a spanking and she would just fall in the floor saying "no, I don't want too''. We would get her up and she would just fall down again. I told her she was grounded for 2 weeks for this stunt. I don't know what to do. I can't let her keep doing this. I have a 6 & 7 years old that watched this. I can't let them think that it alright if you do this. Would someone please help me. I would appreicate any suggestion.  

 
February 17, 2006, 11:30 am CST

been there..this works good for me

Quote From: just1ok

My oldest daughter is 10 years old. She is a good student and gets great compliments about how good she is by everyone. She is very shy and quiet and doesn't talk much to our adult friends but 

at school she has friends and the teacher just rave about how good of a student she is. My problem is: she has out burst at home only. This morning it was 32 degress and she wanted to wear a jacket to school and I told her it was too cold for a jacket and that she needed to put her coat on. We asked her several time to put it on but she didn't want too. My husband and I were getting upset because she wouldn't do it. She got a spanking and she would just fall in the floor saying "no, I don't want too''. We would get her up and she would just fall down again. I told her she was grounded for 2 weeks for this stunt. I don't know what to do. I can't let her keep doing this. I have a 6 & 7 years old that watched this. I can't let them think that it alright if you do this. Would someone please help me. I would appreicate any suggestion.  

I have herd alot of people saying "let tem learn the leason and freeze.....I do not belive in that.I havea 9 &10 yr old  girls. I have gone threw the same things,,dont want to wear  that jacket ,scarf,mits ect(i live in canada). trsut me i want to alow them to do what they wanted and then they would learn by being very cold,,BuT if they got frost bite or very ill,,i  am responsible right? (im a caring mom)I do know yelling and fighting with them,,,only shows them to act the same way back....or they zone out and defie ya. 

  

 Recently i have came up with something that works fantstic,,,,,,,,,,I got the girls each a jar and dif color poker chips,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Now they both have lists of what they are spose to do wear (according to weather)..example": wake up,get dressesd,make bed,eat, brush teeth,get book bags togeather,jackets /hat ,mits,wait by door to go to school.,,,,,For each thing they DO they get a Chip,,For each thing they do NOT do,,they looze one, I do not subtract the chip fronm what they made,,i make them give it to me,,,that way they feel like they lost one. Behavoir also warnts getting  chip or loozing one ,,depending on how they act.Extra things they do besides chorse get s some too. 

With the collected chips they can  Earn privlidges..( i mean  EVERYTHING from a candy ,watching tv,going to a friends house ect)I set the limit on how many chips they need to have in order to do what,,or get something,For an example my 9 yr old wanted to watch tv in the morning( theres not enuff time really) so I put a very High price of chips on it.  I have been doing this for a month now and It works fantiatic,,they are learning to control their bad behavior and learning that they need to earn privlidges.Also they have became more helpful around the  house and traet each other nicer. Can work with all your kids...let me know if u do try this,and  how it goes. 

 
February 28, 2006, 2:16 pm CST

What worked for me.

I gave my kids as much choice as I could.  When my baby needed a toy, I brought a few safe toys that I could afford over and let the baby hold them.  The one the baby wouldn't turn loose, I bought.  Same with my toddler's winter coat.  (My daughter did the same and it worked well too).  I feel that kids need choices and it's my duty as a parent to keep those choices as safe as I can, but still give them choices. 

  

When others told my kids about Santa Claus and the tooth faerie, I simply told the story of Saint Nicholas and that I would go ahead and put a coin under their pillow.  One morning (I was the only adult in the house) my daughter found two coins under her pillow.  I had only put one coin there. 

  

As for Santa Claus...My mother used to give the kids an extra gift labeled "from Santa Claus".  My kids both refused to admit to their grandmother that Santa was just a legend.  Whenever she asked them they would both swear that they believed in Santa.  My oldest was 16 before Grandmother admitted she had been hornswaggled and refused to give the extra 'Santa' gift. 

  

I worked on the TRA race tracks when my kids were small and every adult looked after the kids there.  All children knew that to misbehave could be lethal to any of the horses, so they paid attention around the stables.  My oldest daughter was walked to the gate by one of the nuns at her grade school and the gate man would look after her until I could pick her up.  Trainers would put the small children up on the horses in the stalls and this would calm them both down.  My youngest loved this and a threat to not let her ride the horse was enough to keep her in line. 

  

Also we went to the Gaelic League for step dancing lessons.  The Gaelic League is a closed bar.  The children would all sit up at the bar and the bar tender would wait on them.  He would put little umbrellas in their cokes or orange juices.  When my oldest daughter was in high school, some friends of hers pushed her to go to a bar.  She did and ordered a coke and corned beef sandwich. 

Drinking simply was not a right of passage for her.   (I did give them a sip of Guiness Stout at the League) 

  

I did not have a curfew on my teenagers, but they did have to let me know where they were and give me the phone number in case of emergency (yes I did call).  They usually came home at 9 or 9:30pm saying that the party wasn't fun anymore because most kids were drinking and acting stupid.  My daughter came home one day after school and asked me  "Mom what's wrong with these kids;  they're all either drugged, drunk or pregnant?  I had no answer for her. 

  

My point being that kids are not dumb, if they realize they must live with the choices they make then they get smart fast, as least mine did.  As for disrespect, I took cues from watching some local wolves (real ones) raise their kids.  Disrespect will not be tolerated at any age or for any reason. 

My bark is far worse than my bite, ask my kids, of whom I am truly very proud. 

  

  

  

  

 
March 6, 2006, 8:47 pm CST

Help with a 11 yr old that won't stop lying

My husband and I have obtained full sole legal custody of his 11yr old son about 1 year ago.  He came from a mentally and physically abusive mother.  All he 's known how to do is munipulate and lie.  He does not want to do school work, his mother never made him and his grandmother would give him all the answers.  He is very intelligent. Any suggestions how to make the lying stop.  We've taken various things away. He's had to sit in his room with nothing at all I took everything and it still dosn't seem to matter to him.  When we praise him for the good and that dosn't seem to matter either. any suggestions? We would greatly appreciate it. 

 
March 15, 2006, 9:31 am CST

I dont think I need parenting tips as much as

I need pointers on how to calm myself.  I have a 2yr old son (at this pt most ppl dont care to listen anymore cause obviously a 2 yr old is no problem;)  anywho he is drivin me insane.  Constantly whine and throwing fits, he'll hit me and spit at me.  I do do time outs, and firmly let him know that his behavior is not acceptable.  My prob is that he makes me so upset when he does these things it just makes me so angry towards him.  I dont wanna feel like that towards my son, I love him to death.  I guess our constant struggle is gettin him goin.  Its hard to get him up, he is not a morning person (wonder where he got that from?).  Last night we were at church and he didnt wanna leave he'd run away from me so fast, when id finally catch him hed tell me, im gonna walk im gonna walk, so id start walkin and then hed change his mind and yell look at me mom look at me.  See these things that he is doin arent evil at all they are meerly frustrating, but they make my blood boil.  Whay cant he just listen?  To top it off I am a single mom and majority of the time I am carry something to and from the car, he doesnt wanna listen, so then I have to carry him kickin and scream as well.  If I have groceries in my hands and he tells me he wants to walk to the house from the parking lot, he change his mind and climb into the other side of the car and laugh at me.  So If I take the 2 seconds to put the bag down and turn around to get him, half the time he is runnin out of the car into the middle of the parking lot.  The other day he did that and nearly got hit by a car, scared me to death--and made me very upset at the same time! 

I know this stuff sounds trival, but it really bothers me and makes me so upset.  My son was such an easy baby, and as a toddler I dont think he is bad he just needs to be very active and receive a lot of attention.  Im just burnin out.  It is so hard for me on my own, and I still have 16 more yrs to go. 

What inthe world am I gonna do? 

 
March 20, 2006, 12:46 pm CST

My child doesn't have a "currency". HELP!

I have a 6 year old son with severe ADHD and Oppositional Defiance Disorder.  I must admit that I haven't always been consistent in my discipline, and I am reaping what I have sowed now!  I have tried positive reinforcement, reward systems, spanking, "Love & Logic", etc.  We are now in the middle of using the "commando parenting" technique.  I took everything out of my son's room except his bed, large pieces of furniture and clothes.  He is on 1 week's grounding after which I told him he would start working on earning his things back.  He has been grounded for 5 days now, he goes back to school today, and winds up in the pricipals office.  I have already had to add 2 additional days to his grounding, and I really don't want to add any more days, or he'll never get to start earning his stuff back.  Right now, I am making him write sentences. You know, like "I will not say ugly words, I will not touch other's things, I am sorry for my behavior, etc.  Anyhow, he is still trying me after all this.  What do I do when my child doesn't seem to have a "currency"?  When I tell him he's not going to be able to do XYZ, he says "I don't care.  It's stupid anyways! "  I am at the end of my rope.  I'm frustrated and embarrassed.  I cannot take him to public place, to family gatherings, and my husband an I haven't been on a date for 3 years.  I am willing to accept any advice.  Thanks!
 
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