Topic : Things That Worked For Us

Kathy,

I feel your pain!  Everything you said sounds exactly like my 5 year old son.  The only thing I could add is my son does not know how to talk.  He is contantly yelling at his younger brother.  I am also at my wits ends!  I am worried to bring people around, especially family, because i am worried his behavior will embarrass us.  I stay home also, but used to teach Kindergarten and my degree is also in Child Psychology.  So, why can't I control my own child?  Good thing our boys do also have their loving, affectionat side or we'd really be going to the nut house!  Too bad others don't get to witness this side.  I really feel a connection with your story.  I know what you go throuth daily.  I will keep you in my prayers.

Sincerely,

Mary      Rockton, IL

Hi everyone, i'm new.  My first topic.  Anyway.  I have three boys, 10 yrs, and twin 5 year olds.  The twins are my frustration factor.  I can't seem to find a tactic that works with discipline.  They don't care about time outs.  I've done that, but they keep repeating the behavior i don't like.  Probably the biggest problem is their listening skills.  They don't listen when i tell them to stop or change a behavior i don't like.  They really are sweet  kids, good manners, they clean up their toys when asked.  They just don't listen when it comes to discipline.  Lately the problem is worse because now they're hitting each other and i can't get them to stop.  Time outs aren't working and i can't seem to take anything away that they care enough about to stop hitting each other.  One of the boys is softer than the other and will listen if i threaten no TV.  The other one ---   Ahhhhhhh!!!  And he just starts the issues all over again.  Any suggestions?

I'm 38 married to same man for 24yrs, with two children daughter 21 and son 17. Thankfully neither have EVER been in trouble in school with the law, or drugs. Then again they continue to be loved UNCONDITIONALLY, but were loved, supported, CONSISTENTLY disciplined, held accountable for ALL their actions, held to a daily routine, & allowed to be individuals by the choices they made with guidance. 

  The two of them amaze my husband & I so often we find ourselves in fact looking at one another saying, something along the lines of "Wow! I'm not sure where he/she or they came from sometimes. But, what ever it was we did right they are GREAT kids, & we usually wind up chuckling & thanking each other for the years of support when one of us couldn't hold it together or, for being strong & sticking to punishments when the other one couldn't be!  We often have looked back & I agree our home was anything but perfect or non-dysfunctional. What we did agree on & I know what I'm about to say will probably make some people mad especially with the thinking of today's young people.  But, what we agreed on was that my place as a wife & mother was at home especially once we decided to have children. Because we also didn't want someone else raising our kids. But with this decision also came huge sacrifices not driving a new car, or living in a new home, or eating out 4-5 times a week, instead limiting it to "Special" occasions once or twice a month, which looking back we also feel allowed the kids to learn not only the value of money but, appreciation for things you had to actually work for or God forbid in today's day STRUGGLE & plan for!  I used COUPONS religiously to help save what ever money I could. The kids were loved, CONSISTENTLY disciplined, fed, allowed to have/make their own choices to a degree, like wearing clothing to school as a first/second grader I'd let them pick out what they wanted to wear then give them CONSTRUCTIVE criticism & suggestions. NO choice in meals!!! I fixed meals & they ate what was put in front of them or went hungry, each were allowed ONE item NOT meal they did not have to eat like tuna, onions, peas..lol & bed time was NON negotiable especially when they were little, because my husband would work all day come home spend a little time with the kids then it was OUR time, so they were tucked into bed with none of what we see today's kids doing. " I need a drink, I forgot this, I want a hug, blahh blahh blahh" we developed daily ROUTINES & stuck to them. Up without struggle or argument, socialization over breakfast about what the day may or may not hold, dressed, teeth, hair etc....gathering of items THEY were held both accountable & responsible for in order to go to school. Then after school, HOMEWORK!!! No TV, radio, friends over, or excuses!! It got done without nightly fighting, arguing, reasoning, or CHOICE especially when they were in grade school. Again as they got older they were allowed more freedom having already learned that it is THEY who would be ACCOUNTABLE for their grades, which we only expected the best they could do, so if they showed us they could pull A's & B's then that is what we expected as long as there were no comments such as in attentive in class!! UNACCEPTABLE!! We told them it was Dad's responsibility to go to work and make money for all the things we had and wanted and it was Mom's responsibility to keep our home clean, & our bellies full, cloths clean etc.. and their responsibility to GO TO SCHOOL every day so they could grow up & get jobs they wanted to do. Again this was without excuses!! "I don't feel good, my belly hurts" the rule to that was if your not running a fever or throwing up your going to school because as an adult you will be held ACCOUNTABLE to your employer & have to go to work when you may not feel 100%, so I'll do what I can to help i.e.. give you some Tylenol, ibuprofen etc. & if by lunch your not feeling any better you can go to the Nurse and have her call me.  We also believe that sometimes kids have anxiety over issues or things that maybe going on at school. So @ dinner time we always played what became our favorite game "High/Low's" where each of us would talk about something in our day that made us feel down, mad etc.. then on the reverse something that made us feel good or happy. & this again was ROUTINE, then we may play a game or READ to each other, or they could get in bed 30 min early and read or do something quiet because they also didn't have TV's in there rooms until they were into there teens.

Wow, I've written a great deal more than I actually wanted to so, I'll close by saying, what we believed in most & don't for one second look back at these choices with any regrets is.

Love, Support, Consistency, Accountability, Accoutability, Routine, & DICSIPLINE no matter how hard or bad you may feel about punishing them today, you'll thank yourselves later. Because it's easier to listen to them cry from a good "old fashion" spanking today than it will be for you to have to appear in court with them as delinquents wondering "What did I do wrong?".  Good luck to each of you, it certainly isn't an easy road and darn it all they just don't send kids with hand books of do's & don't.. mihrtsNOTbrkn in this case!

I know all kids are different, but after an easy child came the tough one.  He was always overly sensitive and cried at the drop of a hat up until HS!  Now it just seems he is angry.  He has never done great in school but did try through 6th or 7th grade, now he has decided he will just get his GED and move out this summer when he turns 18.  He skipped school three days last week because it is the begining of a new semester and he felt it wouldn't hurt. I ground him but it doesn't do anything as far as changing the behavior.  He loves TV production and was skipping other classes last semester to hang out in the studio and one former teacher has told him he can get him a cameraman job making $35k a year this summer. 

I doubt that seriously and he won't listen to me.  His older brother was raised the same way with the same disipline and I haven't had to discipline him since middle school. He is in college and doing well.  I feel like I am using the same methods I used when he was younger (grounding, taking away privilages, etc) and maybe it should have changed.  I fear that he is way too immature to be out on his own but when he turns 18 there is nothing I can do about it!

Last week, I was whining to my shrink saying I can not get along with my 12 year old preteen daughter.  I was so affraid to set limits with her because I  would be a bad mother.  I was  emotionally abused as a child, and  now I struggle with setting boundries with people and my family.  I  was always told as a child to be nice and never stand up for what I need. As a kid, I was suppose to shut up and smile.  My mom's favorite saying is Be nice,  avoid conflict.  My shrink told me I need to speak up for what I need and dont be ashamed to ask for what I need. I was very scared to make a scene in front of her friends because then I would not be liked.    It was very foreign for me to ask for what I wanted, It was not my usual role.  I felt like I was acting.  I stuck to my new role , in less than two weeks the tension in my house was gone.  I am embarassed to admit I needed to stop being a wounded child and  treat myself like a first class women.  My daughter needed disicipline, but I was too scared to give it to her in the past.  I am doing fine now.     Here is a tip

Are you familiar with the Easy Button from staples.   I was told to buy one but tape Grownup on it.    When ever I feel like a frighten child, I look at the easy button , which now says grownup!

  I