Topic : Things That Worked For Us

 Sounds a lot like my sister-in-law. She's 17 now and she finally starts to act normal again. When she was 12 she began lying, stealing, cheating, running away from home, yelling, skipping school, drinking, being promiscuous etc. What really worked for her was a reliable psychologist. Not because she's mentally ill, you don't have to be mentally ill to visit one, but to learn how to control those bad urges that she (for whatever reason) has. You have to be patient, she has been to the psychologist weekly for over 4 years. Hope you have lots of cash (here in the Netherlands psychological treatment isn't covered in your health ensurance, and they ask about 50 euros an hour)! Ofcourse, this probably isn't the only solution, but it's the only one I have had experience with!

Ok...my 5 year old daughter is a sassy one...I've tried pretty much everything...I'm thinking maybe it's me at this point...but here are the issues. She talks back, gives both my husband and I sass..she rolls her eyes. She will do what you just told her not to just to spite u and toys and picking up things...it ain't working. We've done the spanking, then she started bending over so we could do it when we threatened to do it(that wasn't working for us.) We threatened and took things and privileges when she was acting up. That worked for a little while then she started saying "I don't care, take it", and at times would help us pile her toys in the bag. Just last week my husband threatened to throw one of her toys if she didn't pick it up,she said "OK but I want to see you put it in the trash." My husband did and she didn't have a problem with it. Her response "I need to get rid of toys anyways since Christmas is coming" (how can she be this logical at this age!!!!) Part of the problem is the fact that I just had a baby, so she's no longer the only baby in the house. But both my husband and I make special days with just her. My husband has taken her camping, just them..not even I go..daddy time. Same with me...I take her to tap dancing lessons, after that we go have lunch and then either the park or a movie...what more can we do.. can someone throw me a bone....so I can  beat myself with it!!!??? thanks all 

 

 

Why has there been something done about when a child is born, before birth certificate is issued that a DNA be done.  Or even maybe DNA has to been done before child support is issued.

My 3 year old yells at me and screams when ever I say we need to go to sleep. Actually he does it when ever he doesn't want to do something. I have no idea how to get him to go to sleep. He sometimes hits me and I yell at him to tell him to stop hitting me and he just yells back.  I am a single mom now for a year and a half and it hasn't gotten any better. He doesn't have a designated room because his room is basically storage and he sleeps with me for now.  I don't beleive in hitting him but how can I get him to do what I want without spanking him? I take away his toys and his spiderman which is his prize posession right now. Any advice would be great.

This message board is so confusing. I've posted here before a couple years ago and no one has answered the post there is no where to start your own thread, I'm confused.  So I'm copying this from another one to see if I am in the right place this time. PLEASE HELP

 

I have an 18 year old son that has always struggled in school.  It didn't start out that way. He started out as a B/C student in elementary until about 4th or 5th grade.  He would lie about tests quizes etc, and get away with it initially but we would always find out. He would be disciplined by being grounded and or certain privilages taken away.

 

We struggled through middle school, barely passing, and it continued into HS.  The same story from his teachers everytimg. "he is a bright kid, he just doesn't want to work."  So when it was obvious he wasn't going to be able to graduate on time (we held him back voluntarily when we moved to another state, summer baby anyway) we decided to take advantage of the "early exit option" at the HS where you take your GED and get to graduate w/ a diploma. 

 

He was skipping classes to hang out in the TV production studio and work on projects and on the sound boards etc.  He wants to be an audio recording engineer.  So come summer he moves out across the city and practically starves having to take a bus to work at a sub shop.  He "learns his lesson" and moves back home with the understanding that he would get a FT job over the summer to save for a car. I offered to match penny to penny what he saved.  Guess what? No job. I finally got him a pt job with my other son a at country club restaurant.  There was an incident about a month 1/2 later where my older son quit (he was working two jobs at the time) so my 18 y/o quits too!

 

We had already co signed a student loan for him to go to an Audio Recording school in Oct. which looked like the perfect fit for him.  He needed a car so we let him use his older brother's old car (he bought a newer car) and agreed he would get a pt job to make payments to his brother and have it paid by the end of  school (May).  He would then graduate from this school and they place them in jobs.  Sounds like the perfect plan right?

 

October he did fantastic.  He goes from 12-4 most days and two to three nights he is there until 7. It is a 30 minute drive with about $3 in tolls for a round trip. I gave him my toll transponder to help with the toll fees. In October he came home every day - I saw him doing homework and studying - he showed me all the notes he was taking - and he brought home a progress report with a "B" grade. 

 

November comes and all of a sudden he is hanging out at this kids house in town and not coming home until 1 or 2 in the morning and not coming home for dinner. He has a job working for the kids' dad's landscaping business do whatever jobs didnt' get done during the week on the weekend. It is not enough money to make any payments to his brother.

Then Thanksgiving week on Sunday he doesn't come home at all. I go by this kids house and he comes out stating he has off of school. I told him no he doesn't and so he I THOUGHT was going to go to school from there. Come to find out from the President of the school he did not show up for school the entire week.  Then he presented a bogus dr's note to get excused.  They called me and told me they were expelling him.  He was actually suffering from some allergy problems so I took him to the dr and the president told me that if he brought in the dr's note stating it was an on going problem they would allow him back on a probationary basis only.

 

When this first happened he had the attitude that "what can I do, I'm screwed?" And " I've been screwing up since 4th grade".  So I told him that we tried it his way we will do it mine, so I told him he had to come home every night that was a school night by 12 midnight and he had to eat dinner with us when he was out of school by 4.  This week was the first week back and he didn't come home night before last or last night.  Yesterday he was here for 30 min to change clothes. He is pissed off because he discovered that I inspected his car and found a pipe and some other pot paraphnelia (Sp).  This after he told me that he didn't understand why I was treating him this way while since he doesn't do drugs and doesn't drink, claims he is playing Halo at this kids house.

 

I'm afraid he is doing much more then smoking pot and he is going to get kicked out of this school while we are also liable for the loan. I want him to be successful and this looked like the perfect opportunity. I dont' know what to do other then to take the car away then he has no way to get back and forth to this school. My husband didn't want to co sign the loan just yet and I should have listened to him.

 

One last and very important point is he is gay (although you would never know) and I think he is not happy with himself and just wants to be like his brother and his friends. We had him with a counselor when he first came out and we thought he might be abusing. We supported him as we believe you don't choose your sexuality.  She talked to him for two session and deemed him cured of any drug abuse. He has issues and I want to help him, but I'm at a loss right now as what to do.

 

And yet another note is his older brother was an honors student and a gifted athlete, his younger brother is doing OK in school and is also a gifted athlete while my 18 year old struggled in both departments. We also had he tested for learning disabilities when he was in 5th grade and he doesn't have any.

 

I also know right now he is mad because I searched his car and didn't come home last night and didn't text me to let me know. School is in 2 hours and I dont' know where he is!

 

 

Sorry so long, but if it weren' t a problem it would be simple and I wouldn't need to post it here 

Oh and by the way this is a recent post, not from two years ago.

I have a son who is just like that! I have started a treasure box. The box can contain either stickers for a behavior board that he can help you make or it can have toys in there say like from a Dollar Store. Just fill it up. Let him help you either make the box or purchase on. While you are doind this activity together explain to him that this treasure box is being made because you feel that you think that when he doesn't yell or scream he will be able to have his pick from the box. Believe me the taking away the toys only works if he can not see them nor have an idea where they are. Also try one hour ahead of bedhead time telling him calmly and looking at him on his level honey you have one hour before bed is there anything you would like do or have a snack.

The biggest thing is to find a room just for him. Other wise he will try to make right next to you his spot forever.

Hello!  I have an eight year old daughter.  I've always had weak relationship with her in terms of getting her to listen to me or just having a smooth relationship.  I know that being her mother that I can not always be her friend, but it is important to me that she knows she can come to me with anything that she needs to talk about.  Her father and I had a very very rocky relationship, and unfortunately I stayed way to long.  I did alot of yelling in the past 8 years, and have been trying to remain calm in situations with her.  My biggest problem with her is that I cannot get her to listen.  I always end up threatning to punish her either by: being sent to bed, not tv, no toys.  Nothing works.  I do respect her, and I would like her to respect me.  She is pretty spoiled because she is the only child, and I have shown her how she is spoiled by comparing her to either her cousins or even sometimes her friends.  One of her biggests hurts is that she does not have a sibling.  All of her cousins have one or more than on siblings.  So this is my biggest reason that I spoil her the way I do.  I guess I am trying to compensate for her loss. 

 

If anyone out there is in or has been in a similar situation, and have found some solutions to these problems, please send me a reply.

 

Thanks.

 

Overwhelmedmom

I can sympathise with you here.  But as a mom of six I can tell you from experience that it will only get worse if you don'tchange it.  The biggest flag I see in your message is that you threaten to punish.  If you say it you have to do it.  There will be a few hard weeks.  In the beginnin she wont beleive to.  But here is something to hang on to.  It establishes trust.  I have seen my teenagers beleive me on the big issues because I always kept my word.  Another thing dont compound your guilt about your family life by notgiving her the tools to be succuessful. 

 

Sorry if this sounds preachy.  I really am giving this advice out of love.  I enjoy my family so much and want everyone else to be this happy.

Hey there,

 

I started down this same road with my at the time 2 year old daughter. Now shes almost 2 and a half. A suggestion that I got from my mother in law was this. 1) make a plan and stick to it. I mean really stick to it, you have to try something for at least 7 days in order to see if it will work. 2) Make bedtime special. Come up with a routine and stick to it. For my daughter it goes like this a) give a nice warm bath allow for a lot of play time, usually we do this around 6ish.b) ten minute warning " okay faith in ten minutes its time for cuddles." c) cuddles, where we talk about her day, what did she do, what did she like, did she have fun, who was she with, ect... i ask the questions and she answers, this starts a open dialouge with her d) next its time to brush her teeth, d) then we lay in bed and i give her a hug and a kiss, then I tell her its time for bed.

 

Now to augment this, i also started building up her bedroom, to her.  I was SUPER enthusiastic about her bedroom and her bed, i said things like " wow faith what a great room you have. " IT sure is cool in here." "wow! look at that a big girl bed of your very own. " look at all the princess on your wall.. man this is so great." Keep in mind that I used this super super happy voice and excited inflection. 

 

The most important thing is that I kept my temper and in the first couple of days when she would repeatedly get out of bed, or scream at me, or throw things, i would give her NO attention. when i picked her up and put her back into bed, i wouldn't even make eye contacts. for the first two times I would say " faith its bed time now, i love you goodnight. the second time she was up I would say " faith its bedtime." third time, i would say ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I wouldn't even react or look at her, thus she got NOTHING from getting out of bed. The key to this, is consistencey! if you don't stick to the routine, nothing will get better... believe me, its a form of classical conditioning and somewhere along the line i was allowing faith to get away with things and thus conditioning her to believe that she could extend or stop her bedtime.

 

so once she goes to bed, and the last kiss is given , she does not get ANYTHING else... for instance, if she asks for water, she does not get it, because she doesn't really need water she just wants to keep me around and her up longer. soon she learns to ask for water before bed.. and she does... she used to try anything to get me to stay "like, i need water, i want daddy, I want teddy, i'm hungry, i need more hugs.. ect ... " don't get me wrong, before the last kiss she really gets whatever she needs, but after she now knows its bed and nothing more until after she has slept.

 

anyways i hope this helps. but believe me, you have to stick with this, because it will be worth it.

 

The first night i implemented these rules i had to put her back into bed, probably 40 times, the second night 20 times, the 3rd night twice and since then its so nice and relaxing and great at bedtime. That is as long as I have been sticking to the routine, every once in a while she decides to try again and of course i need to reassert the rules, but believe me, my life now and then are two completely two different things and how happy i am about it!!!!

 

 

Someone once said, " anything good is worth working for. " believe me, parenting like anything else is good hard rewarding work!

 

Cheers,

 

sabrina