Topic : Things That Worked For Us

I really need help with my 3 year old,
1 wont go to sleep unless she will fall asleep by the tv on her own time,
2 she will do everything i will tell her to do
3 If i ask to go and get something she will reply " I CAN"T"
4 Rolls her eyes at me and gives me attitude al the time, i tried taking her toys away, tv, etc.
Even pop on rear doesn't help
My husband tells me to introduce her to belt but i don't believe that pain would do,
Every time we go to the store i HAVE TO buy her at least one candy to avoid THE SHOW,
Please help,
She got out of control, and seems like i can't change anything anymore, i took her to my mom for few month last year and now wen she gets upset ( very often) she is telling me that she loves my mom more then me and she will go to her if i won't let her do what she wants
Thank you

Hey There,

 

so heres the thing, shes 3, right? I hope you don't take what I have to say in the wrong way. What I am about to say may sound harsh, but I am only telling you so that you can see why shes behaving this whay, change YOUR behaviour and she WILL change hers! Okay, lets get started.

 

First shes 3, not 12, so we know that she doesn't really mean what she says about your mother. She can't really understand that type of complex emotion. What we do KNOW is that she KNOWS for certain saying those words causes YOU great pain and it allows her to get more of what she wants. The problem here is not your little girl, but rather how your responding to her demands. Children learn to manipulate at a very young age, to get what they want. It starts out as babys and continues to grow as they get older.

 

When your child starts to throw a tantrum in a store you must 1) give the child a warning. in a low steady voice say  ex " faith if you start to act up i will take you from the store and put you in your car seat in the car for 3 minutes." when she acts up, because she will, you drop everything and immediatly take her to the car and FOLLOW through on your threat! - this is crucial, if you fail to follow through then you teach your child that their behaviour is acceptable.

 

For bed time, see the note that I wrote to the lady below on the page. If you follow through and continue to insist that she goes to bed and obeys you when she is told,. SHE WILL listen. but if you give in, EVEN once, you will have a much harder time the next time you try the back to bed technique.

 

if she says she can't do something but you KNOW that she is physically capable and understands you then you know she is just saying that so she doesn't have to listen to you. again, using the time out technique should be employed in this situation. If the child refuses to stay in time out and throws a great tantrum, i use the cold shower as a means of calming them down and staying in control. I always give ONE only! WARNING about the cold shower and then in the child goes. It takes literally TWO SECONDs to stop a tantrum that would normally take 15 minutes, the cold water will NOT give them a cold, it will NOT make them sick, it WILL NOT hurt them, so long as exposure is kept to a minimum, be sure to ask your doctor and NOT take my word for it.

 

What i am wondering here the most is why you have allowed her to act this way?- something has kept you from staying firm. I don't know what it is, but you must follow through, you must stop this behaviour NOW. If you think this is bad, wait until your girl is a teen.

 

*** please note, the time out ideas and bed time ideas have been taken from supernanny in part and some parts are made by myself in my own experience with my two kids.I am in no way suggesting that you take my advice without doing your own research and due diligence.***

 

cheers,

 

sabrina 

Thank you very much for your reply,
The BIG reason why she is like this i know is my fault, since she was baby i could never let her cry and so on. Little later her dad went to IRAQ and i felt bad, cuz we are moving from place to place, she lost her FIRST BFF, so i let it slide. And now i cant take control.
We use to have time outs but when she got to my moms they never did it.
I did tried bed time like you said, but she will get hysterical.
And about cold shower? just put her straight to shower or something.
Once again, thank you so much

Who is the parent here??  You have to take control now, or you'll really have your hands full as your child gets older...especially with  the adolescent hormones kick in...

 

1.  Take the TV out of your daughter's room!!  Try using a radio or CD player with soothing music...one with automatic shut-off.  Have a set bedtime routine...start early...snack...warm bath...story in bed...kiss goodnight...lights out and music...the imortant thing isn't whether she falls asleep quickly...the important thing is that she stay in her room after lights out...our kids wanted to get up for drinks and potty...we gave them each three tickets allowing them to get up briefly...after the tickets were used up...no more getting up unless it was an emergency.

 

2.  Will or won't do as she is told??...not clear on this one by your comment...clear and consistent consequences appropriate to her age...you're right, spanking does nothing...don't resort to a belt...it will just cause more drama...time out is the best option...or a nap...tired kids have a way of not doing what they're told...

 

3.  The "I Can't" stage...you might have to get up off your rear and "show" her that she CAN do it...is this your only child...or perhaps the youngest??  Your daughter needs to learn now that she CAN...but if it is fetching for you, she might be getting the message that if you can't get it for yourself, why should she?...show her by example to be self-sufficient...My nine year old tries the "I Can't" thing once in awhile...doesn't work for him...it's got to be a constant with the kids that YOU WIN...not them...kids will continue to test their parents until the day they leave home...it really gives them security to know that you care enough to enforce the consequences of their actions...even a three year old can understand this...just keep the consequences immediate and age-appropriate...saying "I can"t" doesn't warrant a time out...SHOW your daughter how, but don't do it for her...and let her learn by example.

 

4.  Three year olds respond better to a time out...rolling her eyes and giving you attitude...you are teaching her how to act with you...she is manipulating you, and you are allowing it..instant time out works well...be sure to put her in a place that doesn't have toys or TV to entertain her...one minute for each year of age...so a three year old gets three minutes in time out...enforce that she stay where you put her, even if you have to hold her there for the entire three minutes.  Another thing that works for attitute is a "do-over"...make her repeat the words or actions the RIGHT way...kids don't like that, and they will soon learn how to act  the first time around.

 

YOU are the boss...but when you go to the store, make sure that your daughter has been fed, been to the potty, and has had her nap before you go...a tired and hungry child is more likely to throw a tantrum...I learned this the hard way with my oldest son when he was little...I see it all the time in the grocery store...I feel for those moms.  I say IGNORE the melt-down if you are in the middle of paying for your grocer...don't give in and buy treats for tantrums.  I used to buy animal crackers to have for snacks, and if the kids were good in the store, they would get to have some when we got to the car. 

 

If the melt-down happens while you are shopping, drop everything, park the cart and go out to the car for your daughter to calm down...if she hasn't eaten, give her one of the snacks that you have brought with you before you go into the store...hopefully, you travel with food for your daughter...something non-perishable, like small packages of crackers, or a snack bag with cereal, plus some juice boxes...it is best to prevent the melt-down from happening in the first place.

 

My sister's daughter had a lot of melt-downs, in spite of her best efforts to prevent them...she bought a tape recorder and taped them...at the next one, she challenged her to be louder and longer than the last one...this was for the at-home melt-downs that happend for reasons other than hunger, etc...this same little girl also had a "screaming pillow"...she could go to her room and scream as loud and as long as she wanted to...into the pillow, and she could hit the pillow and throw it all she wanted...but not hit or throw anything else.

 

Since you have already established the pattern that a temper tantrum in the store will get her candy, you've got your work cut out for you...spell out the rules ahead of time, and stick to them.  As our kids got too big for the shopping cart, and they had to walk, I had a kid leash that attached to a belt loop on the back of their pants...if they tried to wander, or didn't hold onto the cart, they got the leash...even up to age 8...how embarrassing for them...they learned quickly that MOM had a kid leash and wasn't afraid to use it!!

 

My rule still is...MOM WINS...always...my kids are now 19, 14, and 9...and I'm the boss...so is DAD...we stick together and don't allow manipulation.  We expect the kids to do what they are told...those are the rules...we still have the normal problems associated with kids of their ages...nobody is perfect...but you need to get your daughter under control NOW and show her who is boss...it won't happen overnight, but you will see changes if you stick to your rules.

 

Younger kids learn from their older siblings...if this is your oldest child, and you are planning on having more, be prepared for the rest to act just like the older one...better teach her to be a GOOD example for her younger siblings.

 

Grandma need to learn to help you set limits...if she runs to grandma, it must be because grandma will let her get away with it...grandma needs to be on the same page as you...have a talk with her and tell her what you expect...you teach grandma how to treat you too...your daughter doesn't really love grandma more than you...she just knows how to push your buttons...be firm and don't get your feelings hurt...she's only three.

 

I've written a book here...been there, done that...Becky 

Hey There

 

sorry i haven't replied lately. I forgot to check the boards. Anyways with the cold shower its like the time out, you give ONE and ONLY ONE warning and then you take her straight to the shower, put her in * fully clothed is most effective* and turn it on, you only turn it off when she agrees to behave. This should only take like 10 seconds.. unless shes immune to cold. But yeah it should work.

 

you can e-mail me at star_magic80@hotmail.com if you need anything else.

 

Love,

 

sabrina

I have a 3 year old daughter and i was a single parent. One year ago i met my fiance and his 2 boys. The problem is that now with all three kids it is crazy. My fiance's boys are totally out of control. They are 5 and 6 The 6 year old is slightly mentally handicapped and has the mental capacity of about a 3 year old. And the 5 year old learned everything from him so it is like having a house of 3 year olds. On top of it all the life they use to live was terrable and they had no supervision and NO disipline what so ever. And now i basically have to start from scratch in raising them which in turn my daughter is warping into a little monster like the other two...dont get me wrong i love these boys but there is no teaching them anything they are stuck on what they use to be able to do and that was anything and everything when ever they wanted. And unfortunatly my fiance works nights so he is never home to see what goes on and and doenst really help with the kids and so when he does get home its like all of the things that i have done through the day goes right ou the door when he does get home cuse he spoils them. Let me give you an example. the 5 year old has a very bad whining problem. You look at him wrong and he will whine, but thats just one thing, but we had got a new fish tank and of course stupid me should have waited till the kids were at least 10 and older. But, he had dumped chemical into the water, so he did get punished for that. the next day he got caught putting things into the tank and got punished for it then one morning i wake up. he is already awake it's like 6:30am...... but he is in his closet with a piece of cardboard laying on the floor and my fish net and afish from the tank laying on the card board. I woke up his father and made him deal with it cause i was so mad...and while i was cleaning it up in the net was 2 MORE FISH !!!!!!   So its like no matter how many times he got in trouble for the same thing and how many times we tell him he just keeps at it. Its like he's literally deaf!!  there are so many things we told him time and time agian not to do but yet he will some way or another do it anyways. So please any advise or should i actually seek pyhscology for the children or i don't know what else to do.........

You really have your hands full.  I have no experience with a blended family, but you really do have some issues that need to be dealt with.

 

At the very least, the child with the mental disorder should be under the care of a psychologist or psychiatrist.  The whole family, including your husband, need to be in family counseling.

 

Keep the chemicals and fish net up high where the kids can't get to them.  Ask the pet store if there is a way to kid-proof the fish tank, so they can't open it.  When I was a kid, we thought that our goldfish could be taken out of his bowl and held...not good for the fish...maybe you could get a fish book and teach the kids how to take care of the fish.  If they are involved in the care and feeding, they might learn to respect the needs of the fish.

 

DO consult with a psychologist ASAP!!!  You obviously need help...if there are mental disorders there, they need to be treated and dealt with.  You need to get the kids under control now, or things will just be worse as they get older.

 

Do hold the kids responsible for their behavior, and you and your husband need to be on the same page when it comes to discipline.  Don't give in to the whining...whining in our house earns a time out. 

 

Be sure to give the kids positive attention...read and play games with them. 

 

 Are the boys in school yet?  If so, how is their behavior at school?

 

Again, seek counseling...you need help...Becky

I'm sorry, but a cold shower will NOT make a child want to go to bed.  The idea is to calm her.  A warm bath and a story.  Start about an hour before bedtime.  Make this HER time with you...spend the hour with pleasant activities.  Let her sit with you on the couch, cuddling her.  Slowly wind her down.  Have her help put away her toys for the night before the rest of the routine starts.  If she feels too rushed at bedtime, she will be less cooperative.  She just wants attention...give it to her BEFORE the tantrum, and you can prevent the tantrum all together.

 

This worked with our kids.  Our 9 year old still likes to cuddle at bedtime.  Our first child was a learning experience.  By the time we got to the third one, we had the routine down pat.  When the routine is disturbed, it is harder to get a young child to conform to the rules.  Don't schedule any evening activities outside the home.

 

Make sure that you are getting your child to bed at a reasonable time...around 8 PM for a 3 year old.  Start at 7 PM...just work this into your schedule...after she is in bed, you can do the things that you need to do.

 

Are you a stay-at-home mom, or do you work outside the home, with your daughter in daycare?

 

With dad absent, it puts all of the pressure on you.  Getting your daughter calmly to bed at a reasonable time makes the rest of your evening much more enjoyable...you need to take care of yourself in order to be able to deal with a 3 year old.

 

I realize that I am talking with the person replying to the one with the 3 year old...this advice is aimed at the mom of the 3 year old.

 

Keep the bedtime routine positive...the calming approach works a lot better than punishment at bedtime.  The goal is to calm the child and help her change gears from playtime to bedtime.  Keeping the same routine every night is important...schedule the bedtime hour just for your daughter...let the answering machine get the phone if it rings.

 

I hope my suggestions have been helpful...I wrote a longer post previously with lots of advice on dealing with a 3 year old...it is important to realize that she is 3, not 12, so expect her to act like a 3 year old...keep commands simple and clear.

 

Becky

I'm sorry, this is ABUSIVE.

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Throwing a little 3 year old in a COLD shower?!?!?

What is your GOAL for kids? To merely make them afraid of your PSYCHO parenting tactics so they will be scared into behaving?

I am completely STUNNED.

This is a little 3 year old who's only FAULT is that she has a mother who spoiled her too much. Now she has a father who wants to BELT her and her mother is being told to stuff her into a COLD SHOWER?!

 Are you kidding me a cold shower???  you are crazy!!