Topic : Things That Worked For Us

My daughter needs some advice on how to handle her daughter of 15 going on 20. She just thinks the world revolves around her and only her, and disrupts the whole family, (one brother 14 and siter 10and brother 4). She gets pretty much everything she wants, and runs her mother into the ground. They don't do chores etc. She figures its too late to discipline, and is just giving up at the expense of her relationship. The father is a loser and isn't really a part of the picture. A single mom with 4 kids, and she is doing the best she can, and believe me, other than the discipline, she has done a great job of looking after these kids. So the question is, what do you do at this point? You can take all the treats away and she is still a mouthy bitch to everyone, and only talks nice when she wants something. The invites her friends in, which is ok, but raids the fridge, and takes over the kitchen and everywhere, and leaves a mess to boot, and more too, but no sense going into it, I think you get the picture.

So any advice would be very much appreciated.

Thank you from the Nan next door!

I would suggest a huge dose of empathy is what this girl needs. She needs to learn how others feel. She needs to see that there are people in the world who don't have it so well. I would suggest making her do things like, help at a soup kitchen or a food bank.  Doing yard work for an elderly person in the neighborhood who cannot do it for themselves. Visiting an old folks home.

However, if the mom isn't dedicated to do these kinds of things it's moot.

She needs to also learn to pick up her own messes. If she leaves something on the floor it gets taken away...seriously until all that she has left is a bed, a blanket and one set of clothes. If her friends leave a mess she should no longer be aloud to have friends over.

This is going to be a hard mess to untangle....and if the mother isn't invested it won't matter at all.

I would suggest going to the loveandlogic.com and getting the book From Innocence to Entitlement. I have not read this book yet but i have read many other books from love and logic and it has made a huge diffrence in our family.  hope this will help.

My biggest suggestion is going to loveandlogic.com. they have a book for every problem. You can also check out your library for books on love and logic. I would suggest the book, Oh great what do I do now  or anything love and logic for preschool that is a good place to start to get the basics.  this system has changed our family drastically good luck

I am a mother of five children. I am married but my husband works long hours so for a lot of the time I'm  a single mother. When their fathers tells them to do something they don't hesitate to get it done. But when I tell them to do something it's as though it's a suggestion. I'm not a spanker. I don't believe in physical violence punishments for children. However I don't judge parents who do spank. Is there anyone out there going through the same thing. Or maybe you have been through the same thing and have already overcame it and know what to do. Any ideas would be sooooo appreciated. Thanks!

If your child refuses to do something when you ask them tell them you thats ok you will discuss it later. then later when they want you to make them dinner you say "Bummer, I only make dinner for those who have done what I ask them to do. " or when they want to go somewhere "Bummer I only take kids places when they do what I ask them to do." Really this works I was in your situation where my husband wasnt home ever it seemed, then I started looking at Love and Logic and it changed our whole life. Go to loveandlogic.com they have helpful hints and lists of book to help with every situation. you can also check your library to see if they have the books. let me know how this works. By the way dont remind and don't nag them to do it. that takes pressure off of you and your not getting mad.  good luck

My oldest son at about age 10 informed me (in a sarcastic tone) that he didn't need his mommy waking him up in the morning for school. He wasn't a baby and could get himself up. I said ok, I can live with that.

The school bus comes to our door to pick him up. The first day he didn't get up on his own, I didn't wake him. I let him sleep till the bus was gone. Then I woke him up, and informed him that his punishment for not getting on the bus and going to school was, he'd be a slave for a day.

Slave for a day entails anything I want it to be. That day, he cleaned the shower, the bath tub, the toilet, and the sink. Then we moved into his bedroom. He cleaned the closet, the dresser drawers, the toy box, under the bed, behind the bed, under the mattress, behind the dresser, swept the floor, and then he scrubbed it. I did none of this. He did it all by himself. It was his punishment. He was never a slave for a day ever again. He'd run out to the bus with his socks and shoes etc in his hand, but he'd not miss that bus for anything.

My second son was slave for a day twice. I obviously didn't make it hard enough the first time. He was in about grade 10 at the time. I got a call from the school principal the following day. He said your son wasn't in school yesterday, and he said the reason he wasn't was because he said he was slave for a day. Can you tell me what that means? I kinda giggled to myself, because I know exactly what he was thinking it was, and it wasn't anything like my version of it. When I got done explaining what it was and what he did, his words to me were "Oh man, that's a good idea!!"  Not only does it remind them of their responsibilities, it also reminds them that when I say go clean your room, they know what will happen if it doesn't get done in a timely manner. And we don't want mom coming in there and getting carried away with her cleaning. I'm not asking for a spotlessly clean room, just a cleaner, better organized room. If I want a spotlessly clean room, I'll go in and do it when they are in school. I don't want to stand there and nag at them all day. I want them to know that their best effort was good enough for me, and that it's appreciated.

The other thing I do, and I find it works with every child I've ever used it on is this. Instead of asking a million times, and instead of getting into a yelling match about "why do I have to do everything around here" I say this. "Son, sweetheart, can you come here for a minute please." And you have to say it in a nice respectful way, not a condescending way. When the child comes to me, (say I need a loaf of bread from the freezer downstairs) I say "sweetie can you do your mom a favor please, and go downstairs and bring up a loaf of bread from the freezer?" To which the child will always respond positively and in a nice respectful manner. When they bring up the loaf of bread, I say, "thank you my baby." To which they always reply "you're welcome."  The first couple of times, I got the rolling of the eyes look, but after that it was no problem. Not only does it save me the hassle of having to remind him when he gets half way down what it is I wanted, but I don't get no back talk either, no shouting matches, they use their manners, and the child happily does what I ask. This even works with my sisters kids who won't do anything she asks them to do. At least not without a shouting match first. I use this same concept about phoning and letting me know where they are when they are out with friends, or letting me know when they get to where they are going. I will also mix up my endearments. I might call them sweetie, honey, sugar, love or whatever other endearment comes to mind.