Topic : We Disagree On Punishment

It seems to me that the father is choosing to be the bully in the family. Was he abused as a child? How did he react to it?  Children regardless of what age understand what you are asking of them and what you expect from them. Pulling out a belt on a child only causes resentment and anger and possibly a runaway teenager. 

I raised 3 children and my husband was away all week except for weekends. Sure there were time outs, items taken away but a belt...no way.  I find that now that my children have grown they do the same as I did with them. Every once in a while they had to put their hands out and I would smack them, or a smack on the behind, but never to injure. If I got upset with them or hubby did we would explain why but always told them that we loved them. They now know and I'm sure they did growing up, that our love for them was unconditional. We told them not to lie or they would be in more trouble and they seemed to accept that. Hubby is the problem, not the child. Therapy would help all of the family, it seems that hubby has some hidden issues from the past and is following through in the future. How will he react when grandchildren come along and one of his children want to strap them? Life carries what we teach. 

Yes his Father was not a good father. He has 2 older children that he raised by himself. He was very hard on them and he wiped them kids to much and to hard. When I would say something to him I was told it was none of my bussiness. Now that we have our children there is no way I will allow that. I was beat when I was a child and i know how it feels. I tryed talking to him about this and I told him it is better for him to sit down with his kids when there upset and try to help with the problem not to pull a belt out on them. We are already seperated over some of the things he does. But he is telling me  that it is the childrens fault why we are having trouble. I do not beleive that one bit. Thank You for your feed back and please if you want to say more feel free to.  

 We have 7 children. I gave birth to 4 and adopted 3..                Kathy 

Normally when this occurs it is or has been taken out on you. If he pulls out the belt on the children with no words exchanged I can almost read into your story that he is mentally abusive with you as well. The reason that you left is yes because of his behavior but he can't blame the kids for this one. You are smart to leave with your children, start over. Nothing is easy at first but it will get better. Don't fall into the trap of an abuser. You had mentioned that you were abused yourself and thats why you don't like it. Go for counselling to get you on the right path so that you don't find someone the same again. As for your husband visiting the children it should only be in the presence of someone of authority. Here we call it the Childrens Aide as I am in Canada, not sure where you are nor does it matter. He will con the kids and yourself to. If you need to reply or talk please don't hesitate.  Take care of yourself and kids first. 

Rita 

Your daughter seems to be a very bright and intelligent young girl. She is at an age where her hormones are running rampant. Your husband need not take everything away from her, especially her favorite items. Yes her math and language have to be brought up to a passing grade but if everything is taken away why would she want to improve? Sit down and talk with her. Is she willing to accept help from a friend or tutor. This just may be a bad spot at this time that she is having a hard time with. Sometimes sitting down with her and helping out, letting her know that you and your husband truly care helps. Lets face it, if she's having a hard time and can't do the work, why try when she's going to be punished regardless. What expectations does your husband want from her. We all can't be perfect. Has she always lagged in Math and Language, if so get her help. 

If he's calling her a liar, nothing is more demeaning. She needs that chance to talk, perhaps she wants to say I need help. This punishment will carry with her for a lifetime and its not fair. Speak with the school and see how she is doing and what areas she needs help. What do they have to offer. Those who accuse someone of lying are they themselves liars and don't trust people. 

Good luck to your daughter. I have raised 3 children, all out of school now. Some years were great and others weren't. They picked themselves up though and learnt by it. Keep in mind, Life is a Learning Lesson. She is already hurting inside she doesn't need the extra hurt and pain inflicted. 

Good Luck 

Rita 

No he has never put a hand on me. The way it is is that he treats me better than he does the children. He will buy something for me before he will buy for the children. That is only one thing I dont like. to me my kids come first before any man. He has never hit my children but he puts out the threats. I dont know if he really would have hit her with the belt that day cause I stopped him.  The main one that he shows hatred to is the little bot we adopted. He shows a big difference betwwen him and the other kids. That is the main reason we are not together right now. Christopher just turned 4 and he has proublems. We adopted him from my husbands daughter from his first marriage. When he looks at him I can feel the hate between them. I look at all these children as if they were my own and I show no difference. I just feel like the are to many proublems in this marriage to fix and thats why I am not with him. He does not take the children anyplace anyway so I have no worries. He comes and and sees them and does his yelling and he leaves.   

I do feel like I am doing the right thing..........Kathy 

Great post, I think this is what it's all about!! How can someone inflict pain on someone he/she loves??  

I really pray that you can convince your fiance that spanking is always wrong. We were never ever spanked at home and we turned out great. So there is nobody in the world that can convince me that spanking is ok. I don't have any children of my own so I don't have any experience on child care, but as i did put it on another board: spanking is inflicting pain on a child to get it to listen to you. As far as I'm concerned, the words 'inflicting pain' and 'child' should never be used in one sentence. It is my personal opinion that spanking is a form of child abuse. Other people may see it different, but for me it is. 

Thank you for your great post. I pray that it opens a lot of eyes here. 

  

Mikao 

I believe it is VERY imporant for parents to be on the samepage when it comes to raising our kids. For when there is unity, kids will see that mom and dad are working together and the rules/boundaries are a neccessary thing to have, and it doesn't give kids the opportunity to play parents against one another which they learn to doa t a very early age. So many paretns argue over their kids and I think that leaves the wrong message and can also cofuse them as to what is right and not right..............Parents must communicate to one another and figure out issues together, it would be a lot easier then arguing and bickering and all. My 5 year old on occasions have tried to ask for something knowing that the other said no and she has found out that it doesn't work and it casues her to be in trouble, she has pretty much decided not to go that route. Good parents, even those living apart can come up with agreements on discipline and boundaries, it i s just a matter of doing it and caring for the child enough to do it..................Parenting styles may be different, but when parents love and respect their kids, and work together in raising them, the kids will benefit a great deal from it as wella s the parents...........it's nice to have a smooth running home and mom and dad on the same page, it's a nice feeling to be able to go out in public knowing that things are going well in your home and your kids aren't going to be some obnoxious little things, they are still gonna make some wrong choices but there are certainly ways to help those choices become positive and it is possible for parents to be on the same page and it is possible for kids to know the difference and it is possible to have well rounded ids who know the difference between good and bad choices. It's possible to run a good, well balanced home with parents in charge and at the same time to have a loving and caring home tow here the kids are happy and know that they are loved and cared for, an abusive home isn't going to have these qualities, if a child is afraid of the paretns, and if a child is ALWAYS misbehaving, and can play parents against one another then something is wrong and it needs to change nad chances are, it is the parents who need to sit down togehter and communicate and figure out solutions, believe me, it works.

Quote From: mom121802

    My fiance and I totally disagree on our parenting.  My daughter is a typical 3 year old little girl.  I was not only hit I was abused by my mother. I feel you should never put your hands on a child.  They are so small Compared to an adult hands.  There is time outs!!! Be patient.!!!    

Taking toys away.  SPANKING IS THE EASY WAY OUT!!!!!!!!!!!  Would you hit someone your own size if they did not listen to you NO WAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!  So why hit a little person who looks up to us     

     My fiance understands where I come from but we disagree on spanking.   

  

  

I totally agree but when my son does something that endangers his life such as trying to run out in the road I will smack his bum. He knows right from wrong and knows that time out is his punishment, he looses toys when hes bold or disrespectful but I fell he needs to understand that he gets a smack when he could really hurt himself. Its a whole other level of punishment, I would never smack him just for talking back. 

Hi there. I am really confused and would love to get some advice or feedback. I have known my boyfriend for close to 6 yeras. We didn't commit until just over a year ago. He is the only man my children have met that I have dated besides their own father.

Unfortunately, I don't know how to get him to understand my position as the maternal parent and the fact that there are boundries that shouldn't be crossed.

Recently, he found his badge on the floor next to his night stand. (He is a detention officer) He turned and asked me what it was doing on the floor. I didn't know. He immediately suggested one of my two children (my girl is 10 and my son is 8) threw it there. I asked him if he could have dropped it there but he insisted he put it in the drawer of the night stand. I told him that I didn't see either of the kids get in the drawer but he still insisted one of them did because he was sure he put it in the drawer. He was extremely upset and wouldn't let me suggest that maybe by accident he dropped it there as he was putting the other items in there. He snapped at me and told me he was going to tell them when they got back home. I could see it in his eyes and hear it in the tone of his voice that it wasn't going to be a decent confrontation. He insisted one of them did it and he was going to tell them. I know my children wouldn't 'just' get in his drawer, get the badge and 'just' drop it there. They had no reason to. They were in my sights all morning. Anyhow...he got mad at me because when he said for the 4th time or so that he was going to tell them, I told him he wasn't.

He insisted AGAIN that he was. I knew he was too mad to confront my children and I knew if he did, he would just accuse them and upset them. Especially because he isn't going to take 'no' for an answer. Even if they told him the truth that they didn't do it. ~ As a mother that really loves her children, I couldn't stand the thought of allowing him to upset them like that. I would rather ask them myself knowing the mood he was in.

My problem is...he calls it opposing him. He wants to run the show here. He wants to be able to treat my children any way he wishes and what I have to say really doesn't matter. I don't know what to do because it has literally come between us time and time again. I tell him there are things he needs to leave up to me and that I do have the final say. I don't know how to get him to respect my position as the maternal parent.

I have set a goal to raise my children with respect, morals, values and a sense of being. I don't want to "control" them, I want to raise them. I don't want to hurt their feelings with rudeness. I want them to respect me as I respect them. Somebody please help me. I don't know what else to say to him to get him to respect my position.  If disciplining my children were up to him, he'd do more than just grounding them. He was raised getting his butt kicked. So was I. That is why I don't want it to happen to my children. I don't want my children to resent me as I did my own mother.

Please help me to find a solution. Thank you.

I think the two of you need to sit down and discuss rules and boundaries as well as discipline techniques and to be perfectly honest, if he wants a good relationship with your kids then he needs to chill and allow you to do the discipline because as the boyfriend, he has no rights, rather he wants to believe and accept or not,that is his problem, not yours. it doesn't mean that they shouldn't respect him and follow the rules, it just means, he better watch his step and he would be better off to allow you to to do the discipline. If he isn't willing to allow you to be the primary caregiver of your children, then I wouldn't be living with him, he sounds manipulative and selfish, and I surely wouldn't want some one like this around my kids. Believe me, he would gain a whole lot more respect from these kids if he would respect your role as their parent, he isn't even a step parent at this point and even then, a step paretn has to be careful.