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Topic : We Disagree On Punishment

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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:51:36 pm
Author : dataimport
"My husband is a spanker, but I don't believe in hitting my child." "My son knows he can run to my wife when I've told him no." Does this sound familiar? Tell us your story.

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tt4show
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August 14, 2006, 2:21 pm PDT

We Disagree On Punishment

Quote From: oviedac

Hi there. I am really confused and would love to get some advice or feedback. I have known my boyfriend for close to 6 yeras. We didn't commit until just over a year ago. He is the only man my children have met that I have dated besides their own father.

Unfortunately, I don't know how to get him to understand my position as the maternal parent and the fact that there are boundries that shouldn't be crossed.

Recently, he found his badge on the floor next to his night stand. (He is a detention officer) He turned and asked me what it was doing on the floor. I didn't know. He immediately suggested one of my two children (my girl is 10 and my son is 8) threw it there. I asked him if he could have dropped it there but he insisted he put it in the drawer of the night stand. I told him that I didn't see either of the kids get in the drawer but he still insisted one of them did because he was sure he put it in the drawer. He was extremely upset and wouldn't let me suggest that maybe by accident he dropped it there as he was putting the other items in there. He snapped at me and told me he was going to tell them when they got back home. I could see it in his eyes and hear it in the tone of his voice that it wasn't going to be a decent confrontation. He insisted one of them did it and he was going to tell them. I know my children wouldn't 'just' get in his drawer, get the badge and 'just' drop it there. They had no reason to. They were in my sights all morning. Anyhow...he got mad at me because when he said for the 4th time or so that he was going to tell them, I told him he wasn't.

He insisted AGAIN that he was. I knew he was too mad to confront my children and I knew if he did, he would just accuse them and upset them. Especially because he isn't going to take 'no' for an answer. Even if they told him the truth that they didn't do it. As a mother that really loves her children, I couldn't stand the thought of allowing him to upset them like that. I would rather ask them myself knowing the mood he was in.

My problem is...he calls it opposing him. He wants to run the show here. He wants to be able to treat my children any way he wishes and what I have to say really doesn't matter. I don't know what to do because it has literally come between us time and time again. I tell him there are things he needs to leave up to me and that I do have the final say. I don't know how to get him to respect my position as the maternal parent.

I have set a goal to raise my children with respect, morals, values and a sense of being. I don't want to "control" them, I want to raise them. I don't want to hurt their feelings with rudeness. I want them to respect me as I respect them. Somebody please help me. I don't know what else to say to him to get him to respect my position.  If disciplining my children were up to him, he'd do more than just grounding them. He was raised getting his butt kicked. So was I. That is why I don't want it to happen to my children. I don't want my children to resent me as I did my own mother.

Please help me to find a solution. Thank you.

I don't agree with the fact that he shouldn't discipline the children, yes you are their maternal parent, however, by you saying he shouldn't say anything to them is pretty much saying you can support my kids but you can't raise them. I do understand what you are saying about the way he is going about it and you guys SHOULD come up with good techniques on how to punish the children. He needs to know how to take it down a notch and you need to know that he is like a second parent to them and when he got with you, especially married you, he took these children too. Therefore you need to respect his aspect of the situation. When you undermine a man you are stepping into boundaries you shouldn't, this to him is disrespecting him, believe it or not. NOT saying he is right for not taking NO FOR AN ANSWER because he seems like he needs to take some parenting classes. It seems strange that he works with children all day and can't even watch his temper with his own.  I would suggest possibly finding some classes they will be having near you on parenting. You sound like you are doing a very good job with your children though and you sound like a really good mom. Keep up the good work.
 
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tt4show
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August 14, 2006, 2:29 pm PDT

To all members

You should all check into Phil and Cynthia Phillips on their Miracle Parenting, granted all children are different and react differently but all children should be disciplined the same. NOT using your hand to spank, not a shoe or a spoon. I can admit I have just about used it all. However, your children should never fear nor flinch toward your hand. Check into Phil and Cynthia, it is all biblical. The bible speaks of not sparing the rod on your child. This was a way God told us to discipline our children. If you research what a rod is it is pretty much the cardboard on a coat hanger, like the ones you get from the cleaners. take it off and use this. Children should NEVER be spanked out of anger, this is not discipline this is abuse. Not saying I haven't done it, I can admit to it but we as parents need to learn how to spank and when we should spank. Once they hit a certain age spanking should not be a method of discipline. Please check into Phil and Cynthia Phillips Miracle Parenting, all out of the bible and believe me you will love it and agree with it when you are finished!!!!
 
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dillybar34
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August 20, 2006, 10:10 pm PDT

We Disagree On Punishment

Quote From: jettav

I think the two of you need to sit down and discuss rules and boundaries as well as discipline techniques and to be perfectly honest, if he wants a good relationship with your kids then he needs to chill and allow you to do the discipline because as the boyfriend, he has no rights, rather he wants to believe and accept or not,that is his problem, not yours. it doesn't mean that they shouldn't respect him and follow the rules, it just means, he better watch his step and he would be better off to allow you to to do the discipline. If he isn't willing to allow you to be the primary caregiver of your children, then I wouldn't be living with him, he sounds manipulative and selfish, and I surely wouldn't want some one like this around my kids. Believe me, he would gain a whole lot more respect from these kids if he would respect your role as their parent, he isn't even a step parent at this point and even then, a step paretn has to be careful.
Hi, I have to say something in you boyfriends defense here.  12 years ago, when i was living with my husband, we had the same sort of thing happen to us.  I was diciplining my step son about something he did, and my husband came in and confronted me about it.  We went outside and I said to him, If you are going to start  second guessing me on everything I do with the kids, then we might as well call it quits now.  They were his kids, but I had a huge part in raising them, and I still do, full time mom here.  I told him, if he wanted to take over, go ahead, but I wasn't going to stick around, I would leave and he could do it his way.  He obviously knew he was being to defensive, (i wasn't spanking or anything like that) and backed off.  We still sometimes fight over how we deal with things, but 12 years later, we are still working together, but he knows, I treat my stepchildrent who live with us full time for over 9 years now with the same rules as I do with my own and his kids.
 
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56cindyz

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August 26, 2006, 6:32 am PDT

what would you do

What would you do if you caught your 14 year old mildly autistic child looking at porn on the internet and masterbating? My husband went bizerk! He made him feel as if no one does that.I think he should be punished but told that boys do do that.But going to porn sights is wrong.Please help me.my husband and i are fighting.
 
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la1787

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September 12, 2006, 1:56 pm PDT

Discipline Culture Clash

My daughter-in-law and family believe in old fashioned discipline, where it’s very harsh and very scary to me.  The children are in fear of her and so am I for them.  She was raised in a rural clan like family setting where I was raised in a more laid back setting with patience, tolerance and understanding.  She is neither intolerant nor patient with the children.

 

This has gotten me into trouble.  During one of her raging episodes I interfered and now they will not have anything to do with me.  My son was not raised this way, yet he follows her lead.

She says I do not respect her in front of her children, which is true I don’t.  I’m scared for them.

It’s my belief that she walks a fine line between abuse and a disciplinarian.

 

Because we have this clash of discipline cultures I don’t know how to repair it.  It’s very hard for me to be around them when they get on the children and it breaks my heart to see the children treated this way. 

 

I need advise badly because I want to see the grandchildren and will do whatever to be

part of their lives.  But I don't know how to begin.  I have been told she will never come to my house again, so I'll have to go to their home.   

 

Because I don’t see her rational or fair I don’t know how having a talk with help.  But I am willing to try.

 

What do you think I should do?

 

 

 

 
 
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tobey1
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October 10, 2006, 8:02 am PDT

Stepson w/ behavior issues:HELP!!

First, let me say thank you in advance for any help!!  My stepson who is 8, has anger, and behavior issues. Me and his dad have been together 3 years, and married for 2. My stepsons behavior has gradually gotten worse, even though the problems were always there. He has been abusive to me and his bio-mom and my 2 daughters. He also has been hurting our family animals on purpose...and continues to do so even though he has been punished for this. My husband says he's just a BOY and nothings wrong with the way he is acting. But me and his bio-mom know he has issues that are not normal for his age or any age for that matter. How do I handle this?? I think he needs counseling, but if I bring this issue up to my husband, it always ends in a fight, and that I just don't care about his son...which is the farthest thing from the truth!!! If my husband and his EX won't talk enough and can't agree on any kind of treatment, how do I get my step-son the help I know he needs??? Is there anything that I can do??? Any advice? I'm so lost!!!
 
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luvtorace
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October 12, 2006, 11:09 am PDT

We Disagree On Punishment

Quote From: tobey1

First, let me say thank you in advance for any help!!  My stepson who is 8, has anger, and behavior issues. Me and his dad have been together 3 years, and married for 2. My stepsons behavior has gradually gotten worse, even though the problems were always there. He has been abusive to me and his bio-mom and my 2 daughters. He also has been hurting our family animals on purpose...and continues to do so even though he has been punished for this. My husband says he's just a BOY and nothings wrong with the way he is acting. But me and his bio-mom know he has issues that are not normal for his age or any age for that matter. How do I handle this?? I think he needs counseling, but if I bring this issue up to my husband, it always ends in a fight, and that I just don't care about his son...which is the farthest thing from the truth!!! If my husband and his EX won't talk enough and can't agree on any kind of treatment, how do I get my step-son the help I know he needs??? Is there anything that I can do??? Any advice? I'm so lost!!!
I do not know too much about having a step child, however one of my friends had a similar issue, she actually took him to a doctor that specialized in natural ways to treat children with vitamins and supplements. the child also went through a series of  food allergy testing and found out he was allergic to some foods, when eliminated from his diet the child did at 90 percent turn around. It may be worth looking into.
 
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October 12, 2006, 1:17 pm PDT

Humiliating Discipline is School
 
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blm880
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October 12, 2006, 1:20 pm PDT

I am writing to find out what other schools use as a form of discipline in schools. The school my child goes to is using what I feel is a humiliating technique and facing the children towards the wall. This is being done in front of the entire class unt
 
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bajalg
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October 17, 2006, 6:59 pm PDT

Curiousity-porn and masterbating

Quote From: 56cindyz

What would you do if you caught your 14 year old mildly autistic child looking at porn on the internet and masterbating? My husband went bizerk! He made him feel as if no one does that.I think he should be punished but told that boys do do that.But going to porn sights is wrong.Please help me.my husband and i are fighting.

I found my son today on a couple different porn sites (both up at the same time). My son is only 12. I was very careful though in how I handled the situation. I didn't go ballastic though, I explained to my son that his curiousity is normal. I also explained to him that porn sites are not the place to go in order to satisfy the curiousity though. I told him that those women aren't real and that not all women look like that. I explained to him that I understand that he wants to know what a female looks like (right now apparently he is curious about female breasts) so I gave him an art book and took the computer away from him. That way he can fulfill the burning question in his mind and I don't have to worry about him getting sex education from the internet.

 

I feel like it is completely normal for children to be curious and explore. Unforunately with the internet it makes it a little too easy for children to get access to information that the parents need to give them first.

 
 
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