Topic : We Disagree On Punishment

I can understand why you feel that your husband is being too harsh, and I can understand why your husband has resorted to this threat; after all, it appears to be working- for now. It is so important that you and your husband be on the same page when it comes to discipline, because your child will pick up on any hesitation on your part, and she will use that against both of you. (Three years old is not to young to do it, either!) If you think threatening to throw out the toys is too harsh, its time to have a talk with your husband about trying a new technique. Instead of allowing her to get all of her toys out, make an agreement that she can only have a certain amount out at a time, three is a good number. If she is bored with them, she needs to put them away, and only then she can get out more. She will pick up on this quickly and you all should be happier!

            OK ,somebody tell me ....... Is yelling and cussing at a teenager ,respectful???

Yelling and cussing at a teenager a good approach to get there attention??

My name is rebecca and i'm a stay at home mom of 4 full time kids and the stepmom of 2 kids. My kids are 14,11,3,2. Sometimes they are great then they have their moments.the man i'm with does not agree with how i discipline the kids. The biggest problem i have is with the older ones and the way they treat me and Michael.

Lets begin with my oldest her name is Shanowa she is 14. Now the biggest problem with her is She is so disrespectful towards me and Michael. She swears alot and she never does what she is told. I have tried everything. Only now she is bigger then me and she thinks that her life is more important then everyone Else. She never does anything around the house, but she always has to go were she wants and always has to get what she wants. She has been rubbing off on my younger children. She calls me every bad name under the sun. She never cleans her room,She takes my makeup and my things. I know that her father Tell's her and her brother that they do not have to listen to me or Michael.

Now my older son Matthew,11 just is a little smart mouth boy. He hates Michael with a passion i have never seen in my life. He has a very bad temper and he has hit me several times. That is why i left my first husband. He was abusive towards me. He also swearers to extreme. They think that it is OK to sit around and do nothing and get everything they want. He is always hurting the younger kids. Now he says that it is not on purpose but it is happening more often then i like.He also does not respect me or Michael

Now the two little ones are not too bad they are Mya3 and Dalton2. They keep me going all day long and they get me upset very quickly. They are normal little kids but they are little sponges. My older kids mouths have rubbed off on them. My two year old walks around saying the F word. Don't even get me started on Mya's mouth and it is the older kids mouth.

Now don't get me wrong i don't want to pass all the blame on the older kids. I know that i have my moments of being upset and swearing.. I went to one of Robins book singeing.I wanted to speak to Dr Phil but he just walked away from me and my mom. I think he was on the phone or something. I hope with all my heart that he reads this. I could really use his help.

Hi - this is long - but I sure could use some input - badly !

Let me start this with my husband actually told me that if Dr Phil could see us he'd rip me apart!  He said "I'll hitch hike to get there to see him do it!" 

I have 2 boys now ages 16 and 14 - my husband and I have been married for 5 1/2 years.  Until 3 years ago I had joint custody of the boys with their father.  The my oldest son moved in with me full time and 6 months ago a prtective order was put in place and I now have them both full tim.  Their father is using drugs and having death threats based on an angry husbands who's wife is having sex with him. Anyway that's the background.

My boys have always had problems adjusting from one house to the other (we switched every other month) because there were no rules at dad's and lots at mine. 

My husband has always said I should have beaten them more when they were young. Then they wouldn't be out of control.  They wouldn't walk all over me and treat me like crap. They wouldn't play games between their two parents.  Well it's too late for all that now isn't it.  So he tells me I should take everything away from them.  I used to and sometimes still do.  They lose their tv's, internet, phone, going out privelages and my oldest even now doesn't drive even though he has his permit because of the way he acts sometimes and his grades.

My husband is standing firmly on the grounds that I let them do whatever the h@ll they want.  They use the internet and the telephone for hours at a time.  What have they done to deserve that....they don't pay for it in any way - they don't do anything to deserve it.  The boys do whatever I ask them to do and finish things before I will sign them onto the internet (password protected and located in the living room where they have no privacy) or allow them to use the phone.  They do NOT run the streets into all hours or disappear to wherever they want.  I always know where they are, I know all of their passwords on the computer and in my mind I'm thinking they could be so much worse.  I was worse as a teenager.  I was out running the streets and doing drugs and having sex.  If they are on the net or on the phone - THEY ARE AT HOME and I don't have to worry about where they are....at least at home I can monitor them.

DH says that I allow them to do whatever they want with no punishment or discipline because I say "I just can't handle the drama today."  This is true I have learned to pick my battles.  Working a full time job and keeping a family together and fed and clothed takes about 200% of my energy - and I am the main breadwinner for my family.  Some things just arent' worth the fight....while he thinks everything is a hanging offense and I should be policing them better.  While he stands back on his soap box with his arms crossed critiquing my every word and action.  When he gets involved it is not good.  My youngest sons table manners are ok - he'd be able to have dinner with the president and be ok but my husband has at this point refused to eat another meal with him.  He has called him names and has total disregard for the fact that all along it has been a huge priority to me to actually sit down as a family and have a meal every night together (believing that this is imperative to staying connected to my kids).  He has recently even mentioned that we all breathe funny when we eat.  HAHAHAHA I can't win here.

So now after our last huge fight over this he has just washed his hands of my kids and ignores them and I have resorted to letting them hang out more with their friends so they are out of his way.

I realize that I need to move on.....this is in the works.  But I guess I'd just like to have some validation.

By the way my husband has 4 kids in two states with 3 mothers...... he has never had custody of his kids and has never been a full time parent.  The last thing I said to him on the subject..."It's very easy for you to stand there in judgement of me when you have NEVER been in my shoes.  It is easy to parent by sending money and gifts.  Your kids would run screaming back to their mothers if you treated them the way you want me to treat mine."

Hello.  I was just wondering if anyone out there, knows anything about this subject?  I've tried going to book stores to read about this, but can't find any...I do remember, reading somewhere that when you are in the organization 'tough love', that they recommend NOT seeing or speaking to an 'older' child that is being disrespectful to one's parent...that, even if it's Christmas OR their b-day, that THEY are do NOT contact them...that the organization will be the one doing so...

Here's the situation:

My b/f is 44...His adult child is 24, was married, with 1 child...well, I went out to spend 6 wks. with this man, because we have a long distance relationship, and I needed to learn more about life being with him...BOY DID LEARN A LOT...here's what happen:

1.  This adult/child was SO disrespectful to me, to us...to him..the first day we were together, she attempted to call her dad...but, didn't get through..because, it was OUR first day together..we were alone..anyway, she was so mad at her dad...(my b/f) that she came over anyway...and knocked on the door, very angrily on why he didn't answer his phone...This was only the beginning of a LONG 6 wks...anyway, she was living out of a model...very disrespectful, and irresponsible...she or her husband, couldn't ever hold down a job..always, had excuses for quitting or getting fired...she wanted to come over, and wash her clothes are her dad's house..where I was staying...I did'nt want to, as I was resting as my b/f was at work...I didn't understand why she couldn't just go to a laundry mat...but, after feeling guilty about it..I actually, went to where she was working, and handed her the keys..so, she could come...and after all that, she didn't even come...and never even said why or thank-you...??  then, it was planned before I even came..that she, her husband, son, me and my b/f would have Thanksgiving all together...but, when the times we didn't answer the door or phone..(because again we were alone and just drops on over)...bangs on the door, etc...she, then said she wasn't going to go with us on Thanksgiving...anyway, this went on the whole 6 wks...till at the end, my b/f said enough is enough..and choose to do that tough love thing...even his pastor agreed...he knew how she acted even in church....loud and so disrespectful..she and her husband even called my b/f FU...and the daughter needed to borrow one of his cars..so, he did...and once, he wanted to exchange so we can take the truck...and ask her in the morning, to please have it clean..before, that evening...we had to leave a store we were in, just to get over when we said we were..and I was having fun...when, we go there..she didn't even clean it at all!  We had to stand out in the freezing cold, while she cleaned it out...She and her husband, told ME that I wasn't important, because I'm not the spouse..that the adult-child is, because he helped made her...Now, my question...do you believe in tough love in this situation?  IF SO, what or how does it work...when she called a few times, it was ONLY to get money from her dad...never to say sorry, never to say can we talk about it..work it out...sometimes, she'd come over at 10pm at night, pounding on the bedroom window, to let her in...she doesn't stop these things...and I bet she blames me...once, we went to Vegas..and he turned his phone off for 1/2 day..while, we were in the casino and having dinner/and listening to music..when, we got back to our room..I told him he better check for messages...of course, it was her...leaving all kinds of nasty messages, as why he didn't answer his phone...she even left a message on the hotel phone....she said she didn't give a dam I was there...she even had her g/f call him too, and she did the same..yelled and scream at my b/f...and said she'd like to ball me out....and they didn't even meet me then...all for what????

2. Now the Ex..which they live on minutes apart...(this is the mom of that daughter...but, they do have another 12 yr old together) well, she always calls him and gives her 2 cents...she even told him, that what WE are doing is NOT RIGHT...by ME staying with him..and I NEVER stay in the same room as him, when the daughter's there...he sleeps on the couch...OR I go in my camper that I bring to sleep in...giving them alone time together...I thought I was doing everything right...I was even trying to be nice to his ex...then, she had the nerve to say she doesn't owe me anything (to be nice) because I'm not his spouse...what's this about???  they all seem to hate me, and I haven't done anything wrong..just tried to get along...

3. Now his sister...when we were in Vegas a different time...she called him up, and said would he go with her to visit their relatives in Texas...knowing full well, he's with me..and we planned this trip...he's always good about letting ppl know where he is...and it was only our 1 st day together, and she had the nerve to ask him that???  to dump me...she at least could of invited me...what the heck???  since, he is having to live with her for the moment..he can't really get mad..although, they did discuss it and I guess she said sorry...and also, whenever he and I talk, she's always in the background talking to him..asking him to do this and that...I told him, doesn't she realize how hard this long distance thing is..and I need to have private talks with him, because all I have is phone...

Now, these are the things that goes on..Anyone, have an opinion, feeling, advise I certainly can use it...

Thank-You

Dee

You and your boyfriend have to get on the same page as far as discipline goes! The sooner, the better! My advice to you is when your boyfriend is disciplining, and you think he is overreacting, calmly say to the child, “go to your room for now, dad will be there in a few minutes,” and then, you and your boyfriend should go to your bedroom and calmly and rationally discuss the discipline that he was about to impose, why you think it was over the top, and then talk about what would be more reasonable. Explain to him that as a parent, we’ve got to pick our battles, and we’ve got to save the ‘big’ discipline for the really ‘big’ offenses. If you give out huge consequences for small infractions, the children will come to realize that it doesn’t matter what they do, they’ll get slammed; so why not go all out, since they’ll lose everything anyway? That isn’t how you want to raise your children. If you can’t convince your boyfriend of this, then you’ve got to consider move on- your children deserve guidance from respected adults. Best wishes.