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Topic : We Disagree On Punishment

Number of Replies: 185
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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:51:36 pm
Author : dataimport
"My husband is a spanker, but I don't believe in hitting my child." "My son knows he can run to my wife when I've told him no." Does this sound familiar? Tell us your story.

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May 3, 2007, 1:07 am CDT

We disagree on punishment

Quote From: patches45

I've heard DrPhil say that step parents shouldn't displine kids who aren't there own when the kid steps up and calls them every faul word in the book.I think that parent should have the right to correct them and come to there own defense.Why should the step parent run to the other to disipline them when it can be handle right then and there it makes that parent look like one of the kids themselves.
Look if the other partner is not disilining  thier child what do you think teh future will be? If you add children to the mix what do you think the outcome will be. Sure some children resent another partner because they want thier family to be together but the bottom line is look out for your own. Two parents weather thier own or new need to develope thier cornerstone in how to handle the children, It comes over time but two need to be united. Some things are important and need to be resolved but as adults we can choose the time. Sure the other parent has to negotiate as they know thier chld the best but we also can set boundries of how we will be communicated to . If we communicatre that elegantly then we preface what we need and want as  well as what we will tolerate. I have been in a relation where a son was hell and it hurt my child. Never again, So I am biased. There are many aspects to everyone but bad behavior needs to be adressed. Saying no is important. The consequence though is up to the other parent and if they are not willing to do that out of respect for you end the dance.
 
May 21, 2007, 3:14 pm CDT

smack

 This has just happened last wednesday.

My three year old boy was playing nicley when the door rings its my dad and my brother, after about an hour of chatting and stuff my son starts to get a bit wired and starts to throw his toys I tell him no throwing and if you do it again I will take them from you. So he does it  again I ask my dad to remove them but he holds the toys above his head I say no because he was teasing him, he then passes me the toys.Just as I put then down and out of sight my son in anger hits my dad catches his eye not badly mind. so my dad grabs his wrist smacks him hard pushes him into a chair then grabs him and pushes and pulls him to his bedroom and closes the door then heads straight to the loo. Me and my brother look at each other in amazement and I get my son who is banging and screaming out of his room and calm him down, my brother says 'wow that was out of order' but nieither of us is willing to call him on it out of fear.

I never spoke to him or looked in his general direction and he just says Im going.When they left I look at my sons wrist and it is marked and raised and he keeps saying he is bad the words my dad used at the time. Later that evening I decide to call my father for a reason as to why he was so over the top, I get my brother instead who tells me he has gone fishing and that dad did not even talk the way back- so i'm thinking in my haed that  he is reflecting getting the courage to say sorry etc I tell my brother to get my dad to call me in the morning.

He does ring in the morning and says that it was not his intention to mark him but your son is bad really bad. So I say look he is only three it was not meant and that im trying to teach him not to hit out of anger like you did and it was' hold on he is bad 'etc i tried saying that owen was really upset and thinks he is bad but he hung up and have not spoken since.

He was more worried what my son had done to him but he didnt mark him like he marked my son he is an angery man and I do not want that around my son, My mother rang to see how owen was on the wednesday I told her and she seemed upset, then I had gone to my nans at the weekend and had left a message asking me to ring her, while my son and nan are outside I phone and she is like' are you coming round 'I say no because I'm only staying for a while having dinner and getting  a cab back to where I live she then says 'oh this really is not affecting me is it this between you and your father why havent you called me' I say 'look I have been busy and why do I have to call you all the time why havent you called me' shes like 'ive been working' yeah 4 hrs a day and thats iT.I told her' I was not speaking i havent got the time I dont need it' and have not spoken yet to either of them.

Am i wrong for this I dont know any more.
 
May 22, 2007, 6:14 am CDT

We Disagree On Punishment

Quote From: ending

 This has just happened last wednesday.

My three year old boy was playing nicley when the door rings its my dad and my brother, after about an hour of chatting and stuff my son starts to get a bit wired and starts to throw his toys I tell him no throwing and if you do it again I will take them from you. So he does it  again I ask my dad to remove them but he holds the toys above his head I say no because he was teasing him, he then passes me the toys.Just as I put then down and out of sight my son in anger hits my dad catches his eye not badly mind. so my dad grabs his wrist smacks him hard pushes him into a chair then grabs him and pushes and pulls him to his bedroom and closes the door then heads straight to the loo. Me and my brother look at each other in amazement and I get my son who is banging and screaming out of his room and calm him down, my brother says 'wow that was out of order' but nieither of us is willing to call him on it out of fear.

I never spoke to him or looked in his general direction and he just says Im going.When they left I look at my sons wrist and it is marked and raised and he keeps saying he is bad the words my dad used at the time. Later that evening I decide to call my father for a reason as to why he was so over the top, I get my brother instead who tells me he has gone fishing and that dad did not even talk the way back- so i'm thinking in my haed that  he is reflecting getting the courage to say sorry etc I tell my brother to get my dad to call me in the morning.

He does ring in the morning and says that it was not his intention to mark him but your son is bad really bad. So I say look he is only three it was not meant and that im trying to teach him not to hit out of anger like you did and it was' hold on he is bad 'etc i tried saying that owen was really upset and thinks he is bad but he hung up and have not spoken since.

He was more worried what my son had done to him but he didnt mark him like he marked my son he is an angery man and I do not want that around my son, My mother rang to see how owen was on the wednesday I told her and she seemed upset, then I had gone to my nans at the weekend and had left a message asking me to ring her, while my son and nan are outside I phone and she is like' are you coming round 'I say no because I'm only staying for a while having dinner and getting  a cab back to where I live she then says 'oh this really is not affecting me is it this between you and your father why havent you called me' I say 'look I have been busy and why do I have to call you all the time why havent you called me' shes like 'ive been working' yeah 4 hrs a day and thats iT.I told her' I was not speaking i havent got the time I dont need it' and have not spoken yet to either of them.

Am i wrong for this I dont know any more.
it got a bit blown up i think. your son certainly isn't bad, and what you father has done is wrong. 3 year olds still have to learn boundaries, and they will sometimes hit, and throw stuff, and he will still sometimes hit another kid, when they have a fight when he's six or eight. there's nothing really wrong with that. as long as it get's consequences. i find the reaction of your father rather strange, there's probably something else bothering him, that he took out on the kid. if this happens more often, i wouldn't let him with your kid anymore, because this kind of behaviour will damage him. you can see that from the reaction of your boy. i would try to talk it out as much as possible, but your kid wasn't wrong or something.
 
May 22, 2007, 9:27 am CDT

We Disagree On Punishment

Quote From: miekje

it got a bit blown up i think. your son certainly isn't bad, and what you father has done is wrong. 3 year olds still have to learn boundaries, and they will sometimes hit, and throw stuff, and he will still sometimes hit another kid, when they have a fight when he's six or eight. there's nothing really wrong with that. as long as it get's consequences. i find the reaction of your father rather strange, there's probably something else bothering him, that he took out on the kid. if this happens more often, i wouldn't let him with your kid anymore, because this kind of behaviour will damage him. you can see that from the reaction of your boy. i would try to talk it out as much as possible, but your kid wasn't wrong or something.
 Thank you for your reply some times its just hard try to see the answrs if your in the mix of all the mess.

I felt able to talk to my mother but that really did not have the out come I hoped for, she does not think Im doing this for the best interests for owen- I have explained that they can both if they want to see owen but will not be allowed alone time with him, until I feel owen is ok and my dad has got some help.

I have had to explain to his playschool staff what had happened as they noticed the marks and I am now waiting for children services to contact me as they have informed them, it just gets better and better
 
May 22, 2007, 8:19 pm CDT

whinning, does it ever stop

My 4 year old son is a horrible whiner.  The problem is he only whines 'for us'.  When he is at our friends, he doesn't whine, he uses his big boy voice.  My husband and I disagree and have our differences on how to raise our children.  He wants to baby them and not allow them to grow up.  He still wants to rock our 4 year old to bed at night or allow them to make a choice 'movie or book'.  Me being a teacher, you know I don't give a choice!  BOOK!!  I feel that this whining is coming from daddy spoiling him and now I don't know how to stop it.  Any advice??
 
May 24, 2007, 1:11 am CDT

We Disagree On Punishment

Quote From: rshelton

My 4 year old son is a horrible whiner.  The problem is he only whines 'for us'.  When he is at our friends, he doesn't whine, he uses his big boy voice.  My husband and I disagree and have our differences on how to raise our children.  He wants to baby them and not allow them to grow up.  He still wants to rock our 4 year old to bed at night or allow them to make a choice 'movie or book'.  Me being a teacher, you know I don't give a choice!  BOOK!!  I feel that this whining is coming from daddy spoiling him and now I don't know how to stop it.  Any advice??

if your husband likes to keep him small, he's more likely to get something from your husband when he's using his 'baby voice' or whining. you can stop this whining, but it would be best if you both agree to stopping it. how you do it isn't that hard. you just don't respond to his whining. if he whines, you say i can't understand you, you have to talk normally, you say that once, or in the beginning maybe twice, and then wait for him to ask it normally. if he doesn't get anything anymore when he whines, and he does if he asks normally he will start to talk normally. but if he can still whine with his father, the behaviour will be difficult to unlearn, because it became a habit. i would try to talk to your husband about raising kids, maybe making some compromises, like he has to be read a book at night, but we will rock him to sleep or something like that.

hope it helps

 
May 24, 2007, 1:14 am CDT

We Disagree On Punishment

Quote From: ending

 Thank you for your reply some times its just hard try to see the answrs if your in the mix of all the mess.

I felt able to talk to my mother but that really did not have the out come I hoped for, she does not think Im doing this for the best interests for owen- I have explained that they can both if they want to see owen but will not be allowed alone time with him, until I feel owen is ok and my dad has got some help.

I have had to explain to his playschool staff what had happened as they noticed the marks and I am now waiting for children services to contact me as they have informed them, it just gets better and better

i think that would be a very good solution, i wouldn't let them alone with owen, but i would let them see him. if you can't talk to your parents very well, or if you get misunderstandings, just write them an email or a letter. make sure you write a very clear letter, so maybe you'll have to write it four times or something, so there won't be any misunderstandings.

 

for the children services thing: good luck

 
May 24, 2007, 10:03 am CDT

We Disagree On Punishment

My problem is somewhat complex, so bear with me.    Five years ago, while my husband was going through his divorce and seperation, through events that had occurred in his marriage, he was granted temporary custody of his two daughters by Children's Sevices.   The girls were 2 and 4 at the time, and were placed under a protective order by the county DSS.  We had flirted at work, and dated for a little while before all of this happened, so when he found himself with the responsibility of taking care of two girls, he asked for my help.   We both worked nights at the time, but he had switched his schedule to a mid-shift, so that he could get day-care for them.   I stayed with him on the days I worked, and eventually we grew closer, and I got pregnant, at which time I moved in full time.  The divorce process took roughly 2 and a half years, by the time the divorce was finalized I was actually Pregnant again.   Long story sort of shorter, the protection order stayed in place as well.  We were battling not only his EX, but also her parents, and they loved to drag us back to court everytime they did not get exactly what they wanted.  We finially decided the only way to end the madness was to move from Wisconsin to Maryland where my husband had family that he could lean on. The judge hear granted us the right to move, so we did.   But ot didn't end there, the three of them, (His Ex and her parents) followed us there.   We fought for another year in the courts in Maryland, and my husband was granted 100 percent custody.   But the mother still has supervised visits with the girls on holidays and durring the summer.   Her Parents are the ones that are to supervise her.

             Now, to the problem, because of the intervention of Child Services in the past, and the continued threats of more to come, my husband refuses to disipline the girls at all, while he feels nothing about disiplining our son or daughter that are ours together.   Sometimes I fear that the anger and frustration he feels toward his girls are being leashed on my son and daughter, which really isn't fair.     He doesn't hit them or anything, but he does yell quite a bit at them.  (my son is 4 and my daughter is 3)   And he chastises me for not being as close to the girls as I am to my other two.  I have tried to explain that there is a difference between them becasue I did not give birth to his girls.  He says that shouldn't matter, but I don't know how to explain it to him......it is different.

      Am I being too hard on the girls while to lienient to my son and daughter? O don't think so, but he does... we are stuck. should I just leave the disiplining for the girls to my husband and he leave the disipline of my son and daughter to me?

 

         PLEASE HELP!

 
May 25, 2007, 12:26 am CDT

We Disagree On Punishment

Quote From: h_driver

My problem is somewhat complex, so bear with me.    Five years ago, while my husband was going through his divorce and seperation, through events that had occurred in his marriage, he was granted temporary custody of his two daughters by Children's Sevices.   The girls were 2 and 4 at the time, and were placed under a protective order by the county DSS.  We had flirted at work, and dated for a little while before all of this happened, so when he found himself with the responsibility of taking care of two girls, he asked for my help.   We both worked nights at the time, but he had switched his schedule to a mid-shift, so that he could get day-care for them.   I stayed with him on the days I worked, and eventually we grew closer, and I got pregnant, at which time I moved in full time.  The divorce process took roughly 2 and a half years, by the time the divorce was finalized I was actually Pregnant again.   Long story sort of shorter, the protection order stayed in place as well.  We were battling not only his EX, but also her parents, and they loved to drag us back to court everytime they did not get exactly what they wanted.  We finially decided the only way to end the madness was to move from Wisconsin to Maryland where my husband had family that he could lean on. The judge hear granted us the right to move, so we did.   But ot didn't end there, the three of them, (His Ex and her parents) followed us there.   We fought for another year in the courts in Maryland, and my husband was granted 100 percent custody.   But the mother still has supervised visits with the girls on holidays and durring the summer.   Her Parents are the ones that are to supervise her.

             Now, to the problem, because of the intervention of Child Services in the past, and the continued threats of more to come, my husband refuses to disipline the girls at all, while he feels nothing about disiplining our son or daughter that are ours together.   Sometimes I fear that the anger and frustration he feels toward his girls are being leashed on my son and daughter, which really isn't fair.     He doesn't hit them or anything, but he does yell quite a bit at them.  (my son is 4 and my daughter is 3)   And he chastises me for not being as close to the girls as I am to my other two.  I have tried to explain that there is a difference between them becasue I did not give birth to his girls.  He says that shouldn't matter, but I don't know how to explain it to him......it is different.

      Am I being too hard on the girls while to lienient to my son and daughter? O don't think so, but he does... we are stuck. should I just leave the disiplining for the girls to my husband and he leave the disipline of my son and daughter to me?

 

         PLEASE HELP!

i don't know if you're being too hard on those girls, i'd think not. he would like for you to be as close to his girls as you are to your kids, and treat them the same, doesn't he? if so, you have to discipline them the same way. i think that he will have to discipline his girls too, he is their father. he can't favor them above your children, or your children abovve his. you discipline a kid out of love too. to make sure that they act normally, so they can have a normal live later on. a spoiled kid will have problems in his or her life later. so a good adapted happy kid, has to be disciplined.

i think you should sit down with your husband, and talk about how you will treat the girls. and what you will both do regarding discipline. i think you have to get on one line, and decide that you will discipline his girls, and your kids just as much. maybe it will mean your kids will be allowed more, i don't know. just sit down, want treating kids differently in the same family isn't good for the kids.

 
May 28, 2007, 1:48 pm CDT

Thanks for the Advice

Quote From: jaimie1974

Has your husband actually said that the reason he doesnt discipline is because of threats regarding child services? That just doesnt make sense to me. Being an outsider, reading your post, it seems like your husband is taking the convenient path. It is more convenient to not dicipline, and using child services as an excuse is convenient, too. But it is a recipe for disaster. These children being raised with no discipline/guidance will lead to a sense of entitlement and the belief that they do nothing wrong. They will go out into the world and they will fall on their faces; that isnt what you or your husband want for them! You want to raise self confident people who will contribute positively to society; to do that, they need to have firm rules/boundaries and parents who enforce them. There is nothing abusive about it. Discipline doesnt have to be abuse, either- you and your husband can create a reasonable set of rules for the kids and agree on what the consequences will be if they arent followed, then youve got to back one another up.

I dont think that having only you discipline the younger two and him the older two is a good solution, because it divides your home. You all need a sense of unity. You need a communal sense of respect. A suggestion I have is to have a talk with your husband about what rules you are going to set and enforce, and then have a family meeting with all the children, explain that from this day forward you expect X, Y and Z from them, and explain what the consequences will be if they dont follow the rules. Try to make it straight forward; you are the parents, you are running the place. Offer to be flexible with them if there are special events, etc., that might interfere with chores, etc.- but that you expect them to be flexible, too. Best wishes!

I have sat down over the weekend and talk to my hubby.  He said he is going to try to work on disiplining the girls more.

 

Here's Hoping that things improve!

 
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